CHAPTER THREE – ADMISSION
"I am worried about you. It's been what…five months? And you haven't made any attempt to replace Morelli in your life. He moved on in a matter of weeks and here you are still in a holding pattern. That's not healthy, Babe. You can't marry that showerhead of yours no matter how good it makes you feel." He held her gently by both of her shoulders. "I can take up the slack. But you need to find a permanent relationship. You aren't made to be alone. You need someone."
"Take up the slack! Take up the slack! Is that what I have been to you…a pity fuck?" She pulled out of his grasp. "I thought I was investing in a relationship. You just said we had a relationship!"
"You are the most important woman in my life. I have never trusted or cared for anyone the way I do you. The other night with Tasha was planned. I was hoping you would follow me. I needed you to see. I wanted you to know exactly what I am and what I do. Babe, I'm not what you need." He hoped the sincerity and not the desperation came through in his voice.
Between the buzzing going on in her head and the shattering of fragments from her heart, Steph wasn't sure if she could hear the sound of her own voice. "I don't understand. I just don't understand." Yep, voice works. But it sounds so tiny and weak.
"Come. Sit back down and just listen. I don't want you to talk. I just want you to hear me through. Can you do that for me? Please?" With those words he walked her back to the couch and he took a seat on the coffee table in front of her.
"When I first met you, I wasn't sure if I even liked you. You had quite a chip on your shoulder back then." Steph's eyebrows arched and she started to open her mouth. He gently put his fingers across her lips and gave her an admonishing look. She closed her mouth and let her body sag in compliance. But her mind was making a list. You just wait until it's my turn to talk, buddy! If you think I had a chip on my shoulder back then, you better check now…it's a frigging boulder!
"As I was saying…our first meeting was about business. The challenge of training you to be a bounty hunter was too much to pass up. Then, when I started working with you, I found more and more about you that I liked. You kept your eye on the prize. When you were scared you kept going. When it got hard you toughened up and pushed yourself. But what really got my attention was how hard you tried to please the people in your life. You would bury your needs and wants to make them happy. I watched you struggle trying to balance your own best interest while keeping your family and friends placated if not satisfied. And it killed me to see you in such turmoil and know that I could easily help you. You were the perfect submissive. As your Dominant I could make those decisions for you. I could protect you from all that emotional pain. You just didn't know what you were. I just needed the right timing and the right atmosphere to approach the subject and everything would work out fine. At least that's what I thought."
By this point, Stephanie's brain was on "download". She was absorbing his words in detail but processing the information would have to wait. For the moment simply breathing on a regular basis, keeping her heart beating and not allowing excessive fluids to build up in her bladder and tear ducts were her primary concerns. Where is this going? Is he telling me goodbye? I don't understand!
"The first night we spent together was well planned on my part. Or so I thought at the time. You were vulnerable. You were scared. You were horny." He couldn't help but let a smile sneak across his face. It quickly went away with one glance at the not-too-pleased woman sitting in front of him. He cleared his throat and continued.
"Anyway, the prospect of training you as my submissive had been all consuming for days and I wasn't waiting any longer. In your bed, the first time we had sex, something went wrong with the plan. Vanilla sex is, or should I say was, not my style. What we shared was beyond lust. I couldn't put words to what it felt like. I just knew I had to stay longer and ride those feelings out. I found myself lost in you. I wasn't in control. Babe, when you make love it's with every fiber of your being. Sex with you is raw and honest and open. I was suddenly drowning in emotions I had long ago drained from my mind. I realized I had made a big mistake. You didn't need to be broken. You needed to be free. And so did I. I left that morning vowing that we would never share a bed again and knowing that I would always want to."
She couldn't hold her words or her questions back any longer. They were bursting from every pore and fiber and were yelled out in no particular or logical order. "Submissive? You thought I was submissive. What do mean by my Dominant? Why do you still make love to me if I'm so damn bad for you? Are you telling me we are through? And how the hell do you know about my showerhead?"
"OK. I see this hasn't quite cleared the air then. Let me try again. Step by step. Slowly." He took her hand in his and softly kissed her knuckles. "This is going to take a while."
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"I like to be in charge both in my public life and in my private life. I especially like to be in complete control of my sex life. The Dominant/submissive lifestyle has been the one constant for me for a long time. I know what I want and I know that I will get it. There are no arguments or surprises. My submissives get what they want and need. And everyone goes home satisfied. I am a Dom. Do you know what that is?"
"I'm not stupid. I look things up. You tie your women up and beat them before having sex with them. It's just disgusting." She was quite sure that she sounded sufficiently indignant.
"Whoa. You need more than Wikipedia, Babe. These damn internet sites get Bondage and Sadomasochism mixed up with D. and s. all the time. It's not the same. In fact violence and harm to the submissive goes completely against the Dominant's role. We are about the exchange of power. The submissive willingly and happily gives her Dom power over her decisions and ultimate sexual pleasure. It is an honor and a gift the Dom treasures and doesn't take lightly. It's about trust, Babe not about pain." His voice betrayed the frustration he felt at this frequent misconception of his lifestyle.
"But I saw you. I saw you beating that woman Tasha. You were really hitting her. And you really liked it."
"Tasha is one of those types of women who need more than strokes and kisses to get their 'juices' running. She trusts me to take her only as far as she needs to be aroused. I enjoy making her happy and I trust her to tell me if I start to go too far. None of my submissives have been seriously harmed at my hand and none ever will. That's not my thing."
"I trust you. I trust you with my life. We've had sex a bunch of times. I thought you were as satisfied as I was. If you weren't why did you keep coming back? Why did you just use me if you knew I couldn't satisfy you?" Tears glazed her eyes and she fought them back valiantly. This is an adult conversation, damn it. Act like one!
"That's the problem, Babe. You do satisfy me at so many levels. I'm the one that is lacking. I'm the one with needs that now I know you can't meet. I cannot and will not ask you to change. And the way things are I can't be monogamous. You deserve someone's '100%'. I wanted you to see. I wanted you to realize that you are not lacking. I'm the defective one. It's my fault. I've hurt you and used you and I am so sorry. "God, please make her stop looking at me like that.
"I can try. I can try harder to be what you want me to be. Just tell me what I have to do. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose us. Please. I'll do anything. I'll let you do anything. Please, Ranger, let me try to be your woman. Let me try." She was sobbing by this point. The sudden realization that she was losing him caused actual panic throughout her entire body. I can measure up. I can be what he needs. I won't go away without a fight.
"You need to be what you are, not what I want you to be. Don't you see that? A sub needs to be totally honest with her Dom. And pretending to be something you are not, just to please me is harmful to both of us. If you trust me as much as you say you do, you will let me make the right choice for both of us. We need to end this now." He had been holding her by her upper arms and could feel himself squeezing tighter as he spoke. Sighing deeply he released her, turned and walked away.
He kept his back to her listening for her footsteps and the inevitable slamming of the door. He heard neither. After a few silent minutes he turned and what he saw ripped his heart from his body and shattered it into icy pieces.
There in front of him, in perfect submissive posture, was a kneeling Stephanie. Her head bowed. Her eyes cast downward. Her hands open and placed on her thighs. Where did she learn that? She has no idea what she is doing. This has to stop, now! Pure anger boiled up inside of him. What the fuck have I done? I have to make this right. Now!
Gathering himself up in full Dom mode, he walked deliberately to her side. Grabbing her by the back of her hair he pulled her to her feet. "This! This is what you want?" Without giving her any chance to reply he pushed her towards the couch and threw her head-down over its back. Without ceremony or warning he stripped both her pants and panties to her ankles. "This. This would make me happy. Is this what you want? Is this how you want to make me happy?" His words were hissing through his clenched teeth. There wasn't one ounce of gentleness in his voice or his actions. Make her scared. Make her hate me. Make her go away. Please!
Her face buried in the cushions, Steph found it hard to speak. He was holding her head by her hair. His other hand was tightly gripping her left hip. She was pinned and physically helpless. But she knew Ranger. All she would have to say was "stop" and he would. But did she want him to stop? As frightening as this was, it was turning her on something fierce. God, help me. Yes. I want this. I want this. She turned her face as best as she could and screamed back at him. "Yes! No! Fuck! Yes! I need this. You fuck me, and you fuck me now!" Damn, where did those words come from? I'm so hot I may explode!
In one fluid movement, he unzipped his pants and slammed into her with enough force to rock the couch. A combination of raw lust, frustration and anger made every movement of his hips just slightly less than violent. It was quick. It was almost brutal. It was a punishment fuck. A show of total dominance. A physical statement of power. His last chance to make her run. He felt her cum after only a few strokes. He had no intention of letting her get that far. Her response combined with his emotions swept away all control. He literally growled as his release coursed through his member. Keep it together a little while longer.
Pushing himself back, he zipped up. "Get up," he ordered. Steph stood. Tears stained her cheeks. Her hair was a mess. She looked wanton and sexy as hell. Damn. "Pull up your pants." She did as she was told. "Now, get out." He kept his gaze as cold as ice.
"But..." she started to argue.
"Out! You do as you are told. Get out now." He turned his back on her and walked into his study. He could hear her sobs and eventually heard the slamming of the door.
He leaned on his desk and pounded it with his fist. The only sound he heard was the sound of his own heart…breaking.