CHAPTER SEVENTEEN – RECONNECTION
Steph could feel her meltdown coming. Claude's gentle conversation and avoidance of mentioning the hell she had just lived through was only making matters worse. Hell, he's part of this crazy lifestyle. Vicky was sweet too…until she turned traitor. I must have been nuts even considering this.
"Would you like more tea or something to eat?" Claude asked innocently.
"NO! I don't want tea or food or a comfy chair for that matter. I want explanations. I want to understand. I want out of here." Steph was surprised at her reaction to Claude's simple question. Her body began shaking in an uncontrollable rage and tears began their way down her cheeks.
"I cannot imagine the fear and degradation you must have suffered in that horrible place, little one. But I can assure you that what was done to you and around you is not part of the D&s lifestyle. It was an aberration and nothing less than criminal. Animals like Gwyneth and her crew are just the sort to give the lifestyle a bad name."
"You use whips and chains and beatings and worry about someone else giving you a bad name? Oh, please!" Disgust flowed in her words. She was pacing now, wearing a path across the hardwood floor. Anger pulsed from her every fiber. She wanted to hit something…anything.
"Tell me, Stephanie, who are you most angry with? Gwyn? Carlos? Me…or yourself?" His words halted her pacing activities immediately. She stared at Claude, mouth agape. She could find no words to reply. Claude continued his questioning in a soft, non-aggressive tone. "Did you find a forbidden activity that unexpectedly turned you on? Did you see something in yourself that you didn't know was there? Did you find a strange comfort in being totally subjugated by Carlos? Whips and chains aren't what D&s is about. It is about mutual trust and the willing transfer of power of one's self to another. Did this blind and total giving of yourself to the power of someone else scare you? Is that what you are the most angry about?"
"What do you know about how I feel?" She was still angry, but found herself in awe of Claude's insight. These were the very questions she had asked herself on the ride to Hermitage. The abuse she witnessed was not condoned by anyone…she knew this. The actions of Gwyneth and her goons were part of a sex slave ring that had no connections to any alternate lifestyle. They used the promise of education in that lifestyle as a gateway to their own selfish and criminal gains. Why she trusted and welcomed Claude's support was something she would have to think about at a later, calmer time. She just knew that right then, in that cabin, with her soul as bare as her feet, she needed to hear him out. She needed explanations to both Ranger's actions and her reactions. Somehow she perceived a brutal honesty in Claude. He had nothing to gain or lose in gaining her trust and therefore she trusted him.
Claude took her hand gently and led her into the kitchen where he began preparing another pot of tea. As he busied himself with the proper English tea ceremony he began an edited lecture that he had given uncounted times before. "Humans are an amazing species. Unlike other mammals, our sexuality comes in many flavors. You are aware of heterosexual and homosexual and bisexual, but do you know that there are people who are merinthopic…they need to be tied up to feel full sexual arousal? Or algolagnic people who need to feel a certain amount of pain in or near their erogenous zones to find orgasmic release? There are even people with diagnosed biastophilia who need the fantasy of consensual rape to reach climax. I use the term diagnosed not as if the person has a disease to be treated…but as a medical explanation for their sexual needs. Where are these people to go to find their sexual pleasure? They are not sick. They are not criminals, although in many states, they are treated as such. These people and many others with different needs find their partners in the BDSM community."
Stephanie sat in silence listening to this grey-haired, bespectacled man. Here he was, so prim and proper, preparing tea and speaking of the kinkiest of sex practices as if he was discussing the weather. Where did Ranger find this man? Did he counsel Ranger? Is he counseling me now? Damn, I can't help myself…I like him.
"Carlos is a Dominant. He needs complete control in bed. As you might have noticed, he also likes complete control in his life." Claude explained as he handed Steph a cup of perfectly prepared Earl Gray tea. "From what I have observed and overheard, you…Miss Stephanie…are quite the independent one. Certainly not the kind of woman Carlos seeks out for his sexual pleasure. Yet here you are, completely in his head and heart. It must be quite the challenge for him to justify his feelings with his chosen lifestyle. I imagine you scare him quite a bit." Claude chuckled at his last statement; his eyes twinkled behind his glasses.
I scare Ranger? I think you've got that in reverse. "If I mean so much to him, why did he use me and throw me away? Couldn't he have just sat me down and explained himself?" She was speaking normally again, not shouting out every word.
"I cannot speak for Carlos, nor can I explain his actions. Those are things for the two of you to work on. I can only guess. In my humble opinion, I think Carlos wanted you to see him at his worst to give you the excuse to leave. I don't think he could send you away on his own. But again, that is just my opinion." From somewhere, Claude had found cookies and busied himself arranging them on a saucer. "Think about it, little one. Carlos has been acting as your Dom since the beginning of your relationship. He protects you from outside threats and from yourself when needed. He supports your dreams and aspirations and helps them to grow to fruition. Your health and wellbeing are his top priorities. He gives you all the sexual and sensual experiences that you need. But this relationship is one-sided. What needs of his are realized or fulfilled? He knows that your independence is a key to your personality. He could never or would never ask you to make such a drastic change. It probably never occurred to him that you might want or need this change. Do you? Do you feel the need for change?"
It was such a blunt question that for a moment Steph's mind went completely blank. Am I as independent as I pretend to be? Am I tired of a disorganized and serendipitous life? Am I tired of always pretending to be in control? I've never thought about how selfish I have been with Ranger. What have I given him besides grief and an occasional laugh? Do I complete him as much as he completes me? God, I'm such a idiot!
"I don't know, Claude. I know that I'm feeling things with my body that I never felt before. The things that should frighten me are the things that are really turning me on. It's all so confusing." Steph sat down at the table and took a sip of the delicious tea. She received a smiling approval from Claude as he continued.
"The physical things that you are feeling are not unexpected. After all, the forbidden fruit always tastes the best. Part of a Dominant's job is to take you to those new places and allow you to experience exciting pleasures. But the physical side of a healthy D&s relationship has just as much to do with the emotional trust between the two partners. And have no doubt…it is a partnership. The sub has just as much rights and power as the Dom. The sub can halt any activity and refuse any punishment simply by saying 'no'. The Dom must respect her wishes."
"Ah, you touched on just what I was worried about…punishments. We're back to the whips and chain thing again. Why would any relationship need violence to make it work? Why would you want to hurt someone you love?"
Claude's brow furrowed as he gave his reply much thought. "Give me your hand." Steph complied with just a bit of hesitancy. Claude placed her hand, palm up on the table. He then began to gently pinch and tickle the fleshy mound just under her thumb. The tickling sensation became too much and Steph involuntarily pulled her hand away. "You see, before this became too pleasurable, you pulled away. Now let us try again. This time I am going to hold you hand so that you cannot take it away." He again started playing with her palm and again Steph tried to pull away. Only this time she could not and had to continue to bear the simple assault. Surprisingly the irritation suddenly gave way to distinct pleasure and she found herself becoming aroused. The shock showed on her face to the delight of Claude, who ceased immediately and released her hand.
"Bondage is sometimes used to help the submissive keep in position. The Dom may want her to experience something so intense that simply relying on pure physical determination may not be enough. He may want to introduce her to a new position that would require immense physical control to maintain. Bondage would take away the attention on limb placement and focus all the attention on the physical pleasure given to a more erogenous area. Not all chains are bad. And furthermore, few Doms use chains. They prefer more sensual and softer bonds such as leather or lace." How can a man who looks as sweet as any grandfather talk about bondage and make it sound loving and exciting?
"Well, that explains the tying-up part. But what about the whips and punishment and shit like that?" Steph was getting more of an education talking with Claude than she had gotten with all her computer research.
"When a Dom and his sub agree to a relationship, they sit down and together agree on certain rules. These rules lay the baseline for how both partners will act and react when certain situations arise. They agree on how far the sub wants to be pushed into new activities. They set lines that are not to be crossed as far as activities both in and out of bedroom scenes. And they may include the repercussions of breaking those rules. Mental reminders are good. But just as a parent may spank an unruly child, a Dom may use a physical punishment to act as a secondary reinforcement to help the sub remember the importance of a rule or improper action. The punishment is, or never should be, overdone and should fit the 'crime', so to speak." Claude was busing himself with cleaning up the kitchen and seemed to be in his own world, lecturing to an unseen class in some faraway classroom.
Steph sat silently enthralled with the old sex-professor musings. He certainly gets wound up in these things. You would think he was on some sort of PR campaign!
Claude put his hands on his hips and continued. "Whips and such are an entirely different matter. They are used by consenting adults who need and want that type of intensity in their sex play. They are not for everyone and are used mostly by the hardcore BDSM community. Although, the soft sensations of a gentle flogger are used by just about everyone in the 'Kink' lifestyle. But that is for another time and place. We have talked way too long about this. You need time to yourself to think and process the past days events. I'm going for a walk-about. Care to join me?"
Just like that, the deep discussion was terminated and a bouncing Claude was on his feet and heading for the door. "No, you go. I think I'll just stay here and rest," Steph tried to sound upbeat and positive. She felt neither.
After Claude left, Steph began her pacing again. This is just all too much. Two weeks ago I knew who I was and what I wanted. Well OK, so maybe I wasn't real sure but I had a pretty good idea. Now I don't know myself. I don't know Ranger. I don't know anything about anything…and I'm so tired! With those thoughts pouring through her mind, Steph crumpled to the floor. Sitting and holding her knees to her chest she started to rock herself and cry. In her well of self-pity she didn't hear Ranger walk in.
He removed the afghan from the couch and gently draped it over her shoulders. Then silently and gently he picked her up from the floor. He sat on the over-stuffed rocker with Steph on his lap and tucked in the afghan. With both his arms surrounding her and holding her closely against his chest and beating heart, he let his lips rest tenderly on the top of her head and rocked her slowly into a deep and peaceful sleep.
There was no doubt they both loved each other. There was no doubt there were many wounds to bind and bridges to cross. But there was also no doubt there would be a tomorrow for both of them. Tonight, as he always did, he would rock his Babe in his arms and protect her and comfort her and love her.