A/N...Thanks for reading...playing with my Dark Princess, hoping I'm dark enough here. It'll get happier...later! Thanks always to Arifa!
Burke tends to call on Michael in the early morning and late night, leaving the daytime open for him to drink and try to escape the pain that suffocates him when he is alone. Michael's drinking becomes heavier, even though Burke threatened to kill him if he took another drink. He hides it well, remembering all the tricks his father taught him about pretending to be sober.
After a meeting with Burke and then Strong, who complains he isn't working fast enough, Michael returns to his apartment and grabs his whiskey bottle. Tired of the dingy four walls he constantly is stuck staring at, he gets up and leaves his home. He walks to dock, sits down with his back against the wall of an abandoned building. He notices a figure that keeps walking back and forth in front of him. At first he pays no mind to the figure, thinking its a dock worker. It's only when Michael raises his eyes and focuses on the figure, he feels his heart leap from his chest.
"Nate!" Michael calls out.
There is no response. Letting the figure walk past him, Michael studies the form and is positive its his brother. Forgetting the obvious, Michael scrambles to his feet and steadies himself. Nate passes by again, this time Michael calling his name louder than before. When he doesn't respond, Michael chases after him. He grabs Nate's arm, but he quickly loses his grasp. Nate runs and Michael chases after him.
Grabbing Nate with both hands, Michael calls out Nate's name again. He won't answer. Michael spins Nate around, seeing him turn, but somehow is still looking at the back his head.
Michael turns Nate again, but still can't see his face. "Nate, look at me." Michael begs. When he won't look at him, Michael says in a forceful voice "Nate, stop this. It's Michael. Let me see your face!"
Nate slips away again, walking into a building. Michael follows him and realizes he is now in Atlantic City. He closes his eyes and opens them again, hoping the scene changes. He's now on the beach, the same beach where he and Fiona spent an entire night sitting and talking after Nate's death and her release from prison. He sees Nate in front of him smiling proudly while holding a gun to Anson's back. Michael knows what comes next, but still tries to prevent it from happening.
"Nate get down!" Michael screams, but it's too late. Michael hears the gunshot in the distance and watches Anson, then Nate fall to the ground. He rushes over to Nate and gathers him in his arms.
"I'm scared Michael. I'm so scared."
Michael feels tears forming in his eyes. "You'll be ok. We'll get you to the doctor and you'll be ok." Michael feels Nate getting colder. He feels Nate's blood on his hands. He shakes Nate and says "I can fix this. I can make this better. Give me another chance!"
Michael feels Nate become limp in his arms. He pulls his little brother close to him and begs "Come back Nate. Come back. I don't want it to end this way." He notices all the blood that surrounds him, causing him to release a loud anguished scream.
"Maybe you should have thought about that before you sent my baby to his death." a familiar voice says.
Laying Nate gently on the sand, Michael get up and see Madeline is there. Stammering, Michael says "Mom, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Nate's gone. He was helping me..."
Madeline shakes her head and yells "No! You killed my baby! How could you do that? You were supposed to protect your baby brother Michael!"
Michael stands up and rubs his face. He is surprised because he doesn't feel his beard and he can't remember shaving. He hopes he can make his mother understand. "Mom, he wasn't listening to anything I said. He was jeopardizing the whole entire mission. I had to get rid of him and I kicked him off the team. I thought that was the best thing to do for him."
"No Michael, you did what you thought was the best thing to do for your mission. It wasn't about what Nate was or wasn't doing. Don't you dare pin this on Nate. His death is all your fault." Maddie screams. She smacks Michael across the face so hard it leaves a red handprint on his cheek.
He reaches out and tries to grab onto Madeline, but she slips out of his grasp. She walks through a door and Michael follows her. He's now standing in the kitchen of Maddie's house. Michael inhales sharply as he sees Frank pushing Maddie around the dining room. He sees a young Nate trying to protect his Mom, but Frank shoves Nate to the ground.
Frank shouts "I told you this is between your mom and me! You need to learn to listen better boy!" Michael watches Frank make a fist and land a punch on Nate's jaw. Maddie sees the pain Nate is in, and tries to comfort him. Frank grabs Maddie by her hair and stands her up against the dining room wall. He begins to slap her.
Michael feels a rush of terror fill his body. He remembers this scene. Now a scrawny thirteen year old Michael rushes into the dining room from outside, shouting "Leave Mom alone! She didn't do anything wrong!"
"You better watch your mouth. I need to teach your Mom a lesson about respecting my authority and not buy needless toys for you boys. After I told her that you ungrateful kids don't deserve presents, she goes and buys you crap. I will not be disobeyed like that in my own house!" Frank shouts.
Adult Michael watches the child version of himself stand between his mother and father. Young Michael yells "Mom and Nate are not your punching bag. You want to hit someone, you hit me."
Frank makes a fist and says "You better be careful what you wish for boy." Adult Michael tries to get behind Frank to grab his arms and immobilize him, but Michael realizes his feet are stuck to the ground. He tries to yell, but he has no voice. Instead he helplessly watches Frank punch young Michael over and over again, until Michael loses his balance and falls to the ground. Frank grabs Michael's shirt and hits him more shouting "How does it feel to be a punching bag?"
Michael becomes limp and Frank drops him to the floor. Maddie rushes over to Michael and realizes something is wrong. She runs to the phone and dials for an ambulance. Frank sits down and has a beer. "When they come, you tell them he came home and passed out. You don't know where he was or how he got those bruises."
Michael closes his eyes as he remembers stepping in front of his father that day and taking blow after blow. He opens his eyes, is relieved to see Frank gone and says "I was just trying to protect you and Nate."
Maddie responds in a sad voice "I thought he had killed you. Those few days you were in a coma were pure torture for me. I was the cause of that fight and I will always live with the knowledge that you ended up in the hospital because of me. However, I still don't think you realize how much you are to blame for Nate's death."
He sighs and says in a broken voice, "You don't think that I know this is all my fault? I live with the thought that my baby brother was killed because I asked him to help. I had no one else to help. I needed him then and I wish to God he was still alive because I need him now."
"Well, you can't have it that way Michael. The fact of the matter is that Nate is dead. No matter what you say or do, he will always be dead. You will have to live the rest of your life knowing the results of your actions."
Michael hung his head and sighed. "Everyday I realize I am alone and I hell. I'm stuck Mom. I can't get out and I feel like I am going deeper and deeper into the fire."
He was surprised when Maddie took his hand and said "Part of me forgives you, but I won't forget what happened. Let's sit down and talk."
Michael allows her to guide him into the dining room. He sits down at his usual seat, at the head of the table. He leans forward and rubs his face hard with his hand, hiding his mouth as he talks. "I tried my best to be a good soldier, son, boyfriend and friend, but I've failed at all of them. I was only trying to do what was right."
Maddie takes Michael's hand in his and gently rubs her thumb across his rough knuckles. "Michael, you are a good man with a good heart. Lord knows how you turned out that way. I wasn't always the most supportive or patient mother, but I always loved you. I always will love you. I just want you to find some sort of happiness."
"My life with you guys was my happiness, but I went too far and lost it all." In a small voice, Michael says "I have nothing."
Michael is trying his best not to break in front of his mother. She gets up and walks over to him, taking him in her arms. He rests his head against her.
Maddie tells her son "I hate seeing you so miserable."
Michael unwraps her arm from his frame and says "One day Mom, I won't be so miserable. The pain has to end at some point." He puts his head down on the table and shuts his eyes.
He's not sure how much time has past, so he opens his eyes. When he realizes he is still in the Dominican Republic, he curses loudly and throws his bottle of whiskey against the wall. All he wants is to be home and out of this nightmare. He looks at the picture he has of Sam, Jesse, Fi and his Mom and runs his finger over the image. Michael keeps the picture to remind himself of why he's there and his family is back home. Home. Eventually Michael knows he'll make it back home and the nightmares will end.