After finding the young mage and helping her get to her family, Leigh made her way to the clinic. She had to see Anders. The look on his face when he ran from her back in the cavern disturbed her. It was look she normally saw on people who were at the end of their ropes, right before they hung themselves. She saw that look more often than not since coming to Kirkwall. It made her miss Lothering even more. Life was not perfect there by any means, but it was a lot less desperate. She stopped on the stairs near the clinic and took a few deep breaths. She had no idea what she would find when she opened that door and it scared her. With shaky hands she pushed the door open. The sight that greeted her worried her. Anders was rummaging through his things, discarding what he did not want on the floor. The clinic looked liked a dust devil tore through it, glass bottles, papers and cots were strewn everywhere. He had not heard her come in the room or if he did he did not acknowledge her presence. Leigh was torn between wanting to hold him or shake sense into him.
"Anders, please talk to me." He kept working on finding whatever it was he was looking for. Leigh was at the end of her patience, she grabbed his shoulders and spun him around to face her. "Look at me dammit!" His eyes glassed over and he slowly pushed away from her.
"You should not be here. I...I could have killed you. I am a monster Leigh. Everything has gone wrong, this is not how it was to be. I thought I was helping a friend and in turn he would help me, but I sullied him with my anger. I can't keep pretending that I am a good man anymore." Leigh took his face in her hands forcing him to look her in the eyes. He saw pain and sorrow, not revulsion which she should have. "How can you stand here and look at me like that. I tried to kill you!" His voice sounded like it did the first time she met him. A mix of him and Justice she never realized it before today.
"No Justice tried to kill me or should I say Vengeance did, you did not."
"We are the one and the same now so yes I did try to kill you, and this is not the first time it has happened. I will not let you put yourself in danger anymore. You need to stay away from me." He pushed her back gently and tried to get away from her, but Leigh was not dissuaded by his argument she pressed the issue.
"I told you I am not afraid. What more do I have to do to prove to you I will not give up on you? Do I have to sign it in blood, sell my soul, please Anders tell me what it will take to prove to you that your worth it?"
"Maker's breath you are a stubborn woman. Leigh, please listen to me. If you stay around me I will get you killed and that will kill me sure as any Templar would. I care too much about you to see you hurt especially if it is by my hands. I am not worthy of your trust or your compassion." Her eyes narrowed at him and her body shook with anger.
"I wish you could see yourself as I see you Anders. Maybe you would see you are worth my compassion and trust. I have felt like I have been beating my head against a wall with you these past three years, but I felt it was worth it. Your my friend, the one I feel closest to. I find myself falling for you and you keep me at arm's length. Now both my head and my heart are bleeding and I am at a lose for why."
"Better they metaphorically bleed than actually. I told you before I was not good for you and I care for you enough to not let you be dragged down with me. You deserve better."
"Who are you to tell me what I deserve? I have given up so much for others and the one thing I have ever wanted for myself I am being told I can't have!" Her world felt like it was crashing down around her and her heart felt like Fenris had just ripped it out of her chest. The tears she had been holding back burst forth and her body quivered with anger. "I wish I had died in Lothering it would have been kinder than feeling this."
"Never say that. This world would be a darker place without you."
"If I am such a bright light then why do I feel like a failure? I failed to help my father and ended up killing him. I failed to protect my siblings, Carver is dead because of me. Bethany is gone to the damned Circle because I wasn't here to protect her. How can I be this great person that everyone thinks I am when I can't even protect what I hold dear?"
"What do you mean you killed your father? I don't understand Leigh."
"The Templars found us one day. We had gone to Redcliffe for supplies just him and I. He heard someone needed his help so he went and I waited for him. When he was gone for hours I went to look for him. I found him surrounded by Templars, they drained his mana leaving him helpless. I screamed and flew at them, but I wasn't strong enough to stop them. They stabbed my father in the stomach and left him to die. I couldn't help him, I was no mage, no healer. I gave him a few potions and let him rest." Her eyes turned dark and haunted. A look of shame was on her face, but she continued. "I left my father and went after them. When I found them most were sleeping. They just stabbed a man and left him to die in front of his daughter and they were sleeping as if nothing happened. I found the one who hurt him and I slit his throat, but not before one of the others heard me. I killed them all and I enjoyed it. If I had not left my father's side I could have helped him stave off the infection that would later take his life, but I wanted revenge for what they had done. They took my father from us, but it was my fault because I wasn't strong enough to stop them.
"How old were you?"
"I had just turned seventeen."
"Maker, you were still a kid you can't blame yourself for that."
"Can't I? I failed him." Anders tried to console her, but she flinched away from him. "No, you have made yourself very clear that you do not want me around you. Don't make this harder for me. I have...I have to go." She stormed toward the door only to pause for a moment. "I have your proof of the Tranquil Solution. It was his and his alone and now he is dead. The mages of Kirkwall are safe for now. Good bye Anders and Maker watch over you." She ran from the clinic, taking the passage near the there to her estate. Her mother heard her footsteps and came to greet her. Leigh ran right by her mother and went to her room she slammed the door before collapsing against it sobbing uncontrollably. Her heart shattered and not even the sympathetic words from her spirit guardian could take away the pain.
It had been weeks since Anders had seen Leigh or any of their friends save Varric, who visited at least once every few days. He had wanted to go see her after their fight so many times, but knew it was too late. She most likely moved on to Fenris or even Sebastian, both of them had vied for her attention and could give her what he could not. He spent his days writing when he had no patients to heal. Normally he liked the solitude, but he missed her. Raven or should he say Ahslyn was right he really could be a selfish bastard at times. Just the thought of The Hero of Ferelden made his mood even more sour than it had been. Anders rubbed the bridge of his nose and tried to use some of his magic to stop the dull headache that was threatening to put a stop to his work on his manifesto. He finally gave up and went to lay down in his cot. His thoughts wandered back to his time with the Wardens. It wasn't long til he was fast asleep.
"Anders behind you!" Raven's voice made him turn his head and see a ogre running at him full bore. The spell he flung at the creature just bounced off of it armor and it kept coming. He knew there was nothing he could do against this armored giant, he was going to die down here in the Deep Roads. A flash of black flew past him, daggers bared. The small framed woman threw herself at the ogre digging her weapons into it's gray skin. The ogre roared in pain and fell backwards. With one quick movement the rogue stabbed the creature through both eyes before it could rip her off of it's chest. The ground shook under Anders' feet as it hit. "Come on the others need help." He was not given time to process what had just happened, they had to press on.
"Raven, they have us closed in there is no way around them. I counted over four dozen and at least three more ogres. We are not going to survive this." Nathaniel growled in frustration. He was not ready for this to be the end, none of them were.
"We have to bottle neck them somewhere then you, Anders and Velanna can pick them off. Oghren, Sigrun, Justice and I will keep them off of you. I fought the bloody Archdemon, I will not die at the hands of these creatures and neither will any of you." She put her hand on Nathaniel's arm and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "We can do this Nate, I know we can." She turned to her friends and gave them all a speech Anders will never forget. "I chose all of you for your courage and skill. Wardens do what must be done so that others can live as they are meant to. We sacrifice so our families might never know the horror that we face everyday." She rubbed her face with her cloak to reveal her unpainted face to all of them for the first time. Anders heard Nathaniel gasp and he wondered why. She was a beautiful woman with pale skin, dark blue eyes and dark red hair. "I could have stayed at the Palace in Denerim, but my place is fighting by your side. If I die I know my husband will still be alive to rule our kingdom. I do not fear death as much as I fear these bastards destroying all I hold dear. We can not give up without a fight."
"Ashlyn Cousland! Maker's breath!"
"Wait Ashlyn Cousland, you don't mean Queen Ashlyn do you?" Anders' mouth fell open almost comically as he looked between his two rogue friends.
"Yes Anders, she is our Queen." Nathaniel looked at the ground so as not to make eye contact with the woman whose family his father murdered.
"What is the name of the Maker are you doing fighting darkspawn?" The others were just as dumbfounded as Anders was. "Your a Queen for Maker's sake, what is this some kind of challenge because court got boring?" The commander rolled her eyes and sighed. Her fingers went to the bridge of her nose as she thought what next to say.
"I told you I would rather fight than watch them destroy everything. I had no choice in becoming a Warden, but I do not regret it. Ferelden needs it's King more than it needs it's Queen. The entire world thinks I am dead. I was only known as Raven to them, the Hero Of Ferelden. I knew if they found out I lived through something I should not have they would have taken me away. I couldn't allow that, not when I am needed here. I trust all of you with my life. Yes, even you Nate. Your father's sins are not yours. I want to see a day when the Couslands and the Howes are friends again. We all have things we are fighting for, whether it is for your clan or your country. We can do this, let's show them why Grey Wardens should be feared."
"I stand with you Warden. This corruption can not be allowed to go on."
"Thank you Justice. Your sword is always welcome." The rest of the Wardens chimed in and the battle was joined. They fought for what seemed like days. All of them tired and bloody by the time it was over, but very much alive. Anders wandered away from the group to think. He was exhausted, but Raven's or more properly Ashlyn's words rang in his ears still. She fought for love and to protect her kingdom. The others fought for things that meant something to them, but what did he fight for? All his life he had looked out for himself. He had friends in the Circle, but they were there and he was here. He never cared about anything except being free. Had his life been so empty that nothing mattered to him. "Are you alright Anders?" Ashlyn stood behind him still covered in blood and nursing a broken arm. She told him to save his strength for the others. He could heal her later after he rested.
"I am fine Rav...Your Majesty." She let out a friendly chuckle and sat beside him in the rock.
"You may call my Ashlyn or Ash. We have spilled blood together, you don't have to be formal." For all her ferocity on the battle field she was very soft spoken when it came to talking to them. This woman, this queen did not fit the stereotype of a noble. He had always believed they could care less about the common folk, especially mages. No one cared for the plight of mages, but here she was treating him like a equal. It had him at a loss.
"May I ask you something then Ash?"
"Anything."
"I know you gave us that rallying speech, but what are you really fighting out here with us for? You could be at the palace eating roast quail and screaming at your elven servants. I don't get it."
"I would never scream at our servants elf or otherwise. I have a dear friend I call sister who is a Dalish elf. I am here because my husband needs to be where he is. If the Orlesian Wardens had not all been killed I...I still would have come."
"But why risk your life?" He could not comprehend her reasoning.
"It is who I am. I can't stand by and not help if I can. You did the same when I first met you. I told you to run, but you stayed and helped get people to safety. I conscripted you to save you from that bitch of a Templar because I saw the bodies of those she claimed you killed. They died by swords not magic, but I doubt she would have listened. I stood beside you when she tried for a second time to take you away because you are my friend and a good man Anders. You have compassion in your heart, you just have to stop hiding it behind sarcasm. You are not that hard to read. Do you remember what happened at the Circle with Uldrid?"
"I still have nightmares from it. Wait, you were the Warden that stopped him and saved us. You had Wynne with you and two others."
"Yes, I remember seeing you there too. You worked tirelessly to heal those injured by even the Templars. I saw the good magic can do. I know there is a darker side to it too, but most of the mages I have ever met have been good like you."
"You have more faith in me than I do in myself." Her good hand gently rested on his shoulder and her expression was one of kindness.
"What do you want out of life Anders? What are you striving for?" He thought for a moment on what he did want. No one has ever asked him that before. It was always order after order in the Circle. He had not been allowed to dream of life any other way. He had had the thing he wanted over four years ago in the shape of a fellow apostate. His Dove had saved his life just like Ashlyn had, but also made him believe in true love for the first time in his life. The thought of her made his heart ache knowing she was in the south when the horde stormed through. He prayed she was alive, but deep down he knew not much survived down there.
"All I want is a pretty girl, a descent meal and the right to shoot lightning at fools without being pounced on by a Templar." He waited for her to tell him to dream on, but her answer surprised him.
"Then strive for that. Find that pretty girl who can cook and fight to see mages free so you can shoot lightning at fools and not get in trouble. Alistair and I are trying to change things for mages as well as the rest of Ferelden, but change is a slow process. With the country still healing from the Blight and Loghain's treachery we have a long way to go. Become a advocate for mages. Show the world how wonderful they can be. You have a kind soul Anders don't waste it being bitter, do something to change it. You have a friend in me and I am always here to help." She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and shook him in a friendly manner. He smiled at Ashlyn for lighting the spark in him. For making him believe he could change the world into a place safe for mages.
"My Lady your husband is a lucky man."
"Yes I know and so does he. I miss him so much, but having you all around me makes it easier. We are lucky to have good friends."
"When we get back to Vigil's Keep I will drink to that." They both laughed and went back to join the others by the campfire.
Anders awoke to a loud thumping noise at his door. He rolled out of his cot and grabbed his staff. If the Templars wanted him they would have to fight him.
"Anders, are you there...please you have to be there, oh this is bad. Anders, please it's Merrill." He ran ripping open the door before grabbing the elf's arm and pulling her in.
"Merrill? What in the name of the Maker are you doing here, alone?" He looked her over and she reminded him of a scared rabbit.
"It's Hawke, she has been hurt badly in Lowtown. You have to come and help." His eyes went wide, then he put a vice grip on her upper arms. His voice came out in a growl.
"Go and grab whatever potions I have in my back room and hurry." Merrill did as she was told then led him to where Leigh was. He was not prepared for the scene in front of him. Sebastian sat behind her holding her against him as blood dripped out of her mouth. She had at least half a dozen arrows in her torso. One was very close to her heart. He moved on instinct trying not to think about who he was healing. Her eyes opened and she smiled at him.
"Just cou...couldn't stay away...could you?" More blood ran from her mouth and she bit back a scream as he pulled one of the arrows out. Her blood covered his hands as his magic poured into the wound. He started with the worst one first and worked his way down. The pool of blood around her was alarming, as was how pale she was. Her skin was ice cold to the touch. Anders had to be quicker than her blood lose or Leigh would not survive. "Help me! I am losing her!" His answer came with a boost of power from Justice. One by one her wounds were closed, but she need to rest and so did he. He used all his mana and then some to save her. Leigh opened her eyes slowly and saw Anders fall over from exhaustion next to her. She weakly reached out her hand and brushed a lock of hair from his in front of his eyes. He was panting and shaking, but he gave her a lop sided grin before passing out. "Please Fenris help Sebastian carry Anders back to my home. Aveline and Merrill can help me." Leigh passed out before she got his answer.
Leigh opened her eyes and tried to bolt out of her bed, but firm hands gently pushed her back down. She rubbed her eyes to make sure they were working right for the person who was sitting next to her she never thought she would see again. He tsked her when she tried to sit up again this time she eased herself back down to her pillow. Her chest ached making her remember what had happened to her and why he was here. Once she was healed he would be gone. She let out a whimper when she shifted herself.
"Are you in pain?" Anders leaned over her checking her bandages.
"No, I'm fine. Not that I am ungrateful, but what are you doing here? I thought you did not want me to be around me."
"Did I say that?" She glared at him and he held his hands up in surrender. "Alright I did say that. I'm an idiot Leigh, always have been. I have spent most of my life looking out for just myself. It scares me to care about someone else, to have them rely on me. Then there is Justice who one more than one occasion has tried to hurt you. I would never be able to forgive myself if I let that part of me hurt you."
"You care about me?"
"Of course I do. How can I make this right? How can I get you to forgive me for being a total and complete ass?" Leigh closed her eyes trying to fight the urge to laugh and cry. A small sweet smile played on her lips.
"For starters I would like..." Her cheeks turned dark crimson and everything inside of her wanted to disappear through the floor. "a kiss." The last word come out softer than a whisper. She looked up at him waiting for him to tell her no, but he just stared at her. Before she could say anything else his lips were on hers. His kisses were soft, but made her head spin or that could be from the blood loss. She wrapped her arms around his neck ignoring the twinge of pain her ribs gave her. The sound of someone clearing their throat made them break apart. Leandra stood in the doorway with a tray of food.
"I am glad to see you are both feeling better. I have lunch if your hungry." Anders stood up and let Leandra place the tray on her daughter's lap. "Anders may I have a word?" He nodded and started following Leigh's mother out of the room.
"Eat up I will be right back." Once outside of the door he braced himself for the dress down that was surely coming. He decided to head it off for as long as he could. "She is doing much better, she will be back to saving Kirkwall in a week or two."
"She is very lucky to have friends like all of you. Though I am surprised that you were dragged back into the mix. She told me you were leaving Kirkwall because of the Templars coming after you."
"I was in the process of leaving, but I found I couldn't. There are so many people here who need me, I could not abandon them." As much as the lie shocked him, he was not going to tell Leigh's mother otherwise.
"She was right, you are just like my Malcolm. He was a healer also. Leigh use to watch him help people then come home and tell me that is what she wanted to be when she grew up, a healer. She was not swayed from it even though she was not born a mage. When Bethany started to show her powers Leigh was a little jealous, but she always took care of her sister. Bethany could no longer go to the sermons at the Chantry, but Leigh found a way for her to enjoy them without fear of the Templars. They would climb on the roof of the building and listen. Her compassion for others knows no bounds."
"We are all very lucky to have her as a friend my dear lady."
"She loves you, I hope you know that. The night she came home and told me you were leaving she cried for hours. Her eyes did not have the same shine they normally have. I think it broke her heart to see you go." A look of pain crossed his face. He had hurt her and he hated himself for it.
"She has nothing to fear I am staying. After what just happened she needs my healing skills. For as many people that love her, there are twice as many that want to hurt her. I wasn't there for her and she almost..."
"You got there in time young man do not think about the alternative now. She is here, alive because of you. Now go enjoy lunch with her. I am going out with Merrill to get food for dinner. I invited everyone to join us tonight. I am not as good of a cook as Leigh, but with Orana's help I should do fine." He went back into Leigh's room to find her standing up and fully dressed in her finery. She turned her body to watch him walk in and almost screamed from the pain her wounds caused her. Anders ran to her his hands glowed with healing magic to ease her pain.
"You should not be out of bed yet. You could reopen your wounds. I was only able to heal them so far the rest has to be due to taking it easy, giving you body a chance to rest." He helped her back to the bed much to her protest. She gave him the look of an annoyed child, but obeyed. "Why did you tell your mother I was leaving Kirkwall?"
"It was better than telling her we had a fight. She would have marched herself right down to the clinic and dragged you back here by your ear. I shouldn't have lied to her, but I did not want her to try to fix things when you don't want to be around me."
"She really would have dragged me back here by the ear?" Leigh giggled at his mock horror as he held his ears. "I do want to be around you. I have always wanted to be around you."
"Then why push me away?"
"I did that to save you from what I am. As much as I claim not to be, I am an abomination. I can't control it all the time and you have been on the receiving end of it more than once just for trying to stop me. I wish I had met you before I fused with Justice. I never would have done it if I knew I would have someone like you in my life."
"Why does Justice hate me so much?" Anders felt Justice squirm in his mind. "I do not hate her." "Could have fooled both of us there my friend. You have tried to hurt her at least twice." "I helped you save her life a few days ago. I find her a distraction to our cause, but I do not hate her." "Then you tell her you don't hate her." "Then I will." "Wait, shit!" The blue cracks started to form on his skin and Leigh backed away from him. "Justice?"
"Yes. I do not hate you Hawke. I find you a distraction for Anders and our cause, but I do not think you worthy of hate." "He will not hurt you, talk to him." The soft murmur in her head gave her courage to stand her ground against Justice.
"How am I a distraction to him?"
"He thinks of you often when he needs to be planning out how we can free the mages. You take him with you to traipse around Kirkwall, keeping him from our goal. His mind wanders to you more than often than not. Some of those thoughts are not proper and should not be thought of." Leigh's eyes widened and the blush began to crawl back up her neck. "For the love of the Maker, Justice please don't tell her this. I am begging you." "You told me to talk to her so I am talking." "She does not need to know I fantasies about her like that, thank you very much. She is going to look at me like a lecher from now on."
"I ask for his help because he is a healer, something no one else can do since we lost Bethany. If he would let me I would help him with his plans to free mages from the Chantry. I have always believed they should not be caged as they are. If they were allowed to be free while being trained maybe more of them would not turn to blood magic or demons. I want a world that Anders, Bethany and Merrill can walk down the street without worrying about being attacked for what they are. I know I am no mage, but I do understand more than you think. As for what ever he thinks of me or what he imagines, well just shut your eyes and cover your ears." The blue glow faded as Anders wrestled back control.
"I am sorry he caught me off guard. He didn't upset you did he?"
"No, he was on his best behavior. Though he told me you haven't been." He winced making her giggle.
"Tact is not one of his strong points. Again I apologize for all of it."
"No harm done. Here you better help me eat some of this so it doesn't go to waste." She handed him half a sandwich and he ate it down greedily. He had not eaten much while keeping his vigil over her. Leigh leaned her head against his shoulder. She still felt weak from her injuries, but her heart felt like it could soar. She had him with her again. The hole that had been in her heart the last few weeks was closing and she felt she could breath again.
"I am not going to push you away anymore. Once your healed we can talk about us if you want to. After dinner tonight I am going back to the clinic since you are out of the woods. I want you to stay in bed and rest for at least another two weeks. That is not a request you could set your recovery back if you try to move around too much. I will come and check on you when I can."
"I understand. I promise to behave myself, for you. If you need anything let Varric know and he will get you supplies since I am out of commission."
"I will, now you need to take a nap as do I. Healing is draining so no more running into arrows please."
"Believe me I don't want to know how that feels again." She stifled a yawn. He smiled and tucked her into her bed. "You can stay you know, the bed in the guest room is not as nice."
"I think your mother would skin me alive if she finds me in her daughter's bed even if nothing happened." Leigh's eyes pleaded with him to stay. "Alright turn off the puppy eyes I will stay, but you are resting or I will leave." He sat against the headboard and felt her shift herself to rest her head on his chest. The feel of her weigh on him felt wonderful. It did not take long for him to drift off. He loved her there was no denying it now. He wanted her in his life. It would be the one selfish thing he would now allow himself. Having her would keep at least a small part of him human. That part would always be hers as long as he lived.