Author's Note: I seem to have forgotten this earlier, so I do it now:

Disclaimer: I do not own Fate/ Stay Night, obviously.

Edit: Bazett's half of the chapter has been redone. To better fit my writingstyle, the story now moves a bit more into the "Adventure" category, rather then "Humor". Sorry if you dislike this, but I'm not fully satisfied with the way I did the first chapters, and the over-all quality may improve now. Hope you'll keep enjoying this!

Snowstorms and Slip-ups

Illyasviel von Einsbern did not like the cold. This is ironic since she lived in a place where it snowed all the time. At least according to the local tourist information, which was scarce to find indeed and the odd sneak-photos that had been taken by intruders- nonono, I mean taken by uninvited houseguests that then had managed to leave the area undetected and thus alive- I mean unscathed . And since it, according to the trivia that was to be found, snowed all the time it was also cold outside all the time.

So Illyasviel didn't go out if she could help it. But now she was out, and she was out because she couldn't help it. She wasn't out alone though, her Servant was with her. Berserker. You wouldn't think of her as a Berserker when you met her though, in fact the only thing that revealed that she was a heroic spirit at all was the horribly out-of-fashion dress, hairstyle and hat she wore. It was as if she had lived 220 or so years ago.

Berserker hadn't told her name yet, when asked she instantly went on to talk about extraordinary clothes, unbelievable parties, amazing artwork and opinions about politics and philosophy that apparently was as old and out-of-date as her taste of fashion. From the long monologues she held of her favorite things in life, Illyasviel couldn't help but wonder even more who her servant was.

The reason for this, apart from the strategic value in knowing the powers of her servant and boring shit like that, which the very few people in the von Einsbern family who actually cared about the Holy Grail Wars considered so important, was that she had told her personal maids, Sella and Leysritt, to make a rough estimation of how much the things her servant boasted about having possessed in life may have costed, and the rough, more-or-less-but-hopefully-less-accurate-because-i t-is-so-huge-it-is-silly-sum they had reached simply blew Illyasviel's mind.

If everyone of Berserker's social class had spent this much, it would be enough when counted together to send the economy of an entire country to ruins! Just who was this woman!? You'd think a person spending this much would be well known! "Then again" Illyasviel thought as she stood with her servant who once again had gone into monologue about her clothes and what-not. "Maybe I'm just not thinking in the right direction. Maybe she-"

Before Illyasviel could let her train of thoughts reach station with a conclusion, it was sent off the rails by the sound of howling wolves, a little too close to comfort. They had probably been howling for quite some time too, how could she possibly have missed it? Then her train of thoughts derailed once again, when she turned her head slightly to the right and saw her hopefully loyal Servant still ranting, and got an answer to at least one question. And while she wouldn't mind scolding Berserker for not paying attention to her surroundings, staying alive long enough to do it was slightly higher on her list or priorities. "Berserker", she began, "could you please stop talking and deal with these-"

Once again she was interrupted though, when a wolf pounced at Berserker. Why it picked Berserker first and not Illyasviel like normal wolves would do was anyone's guess though. Maybe it didn't like the dress, or possibly it disliked the out-of-date opinions. But pounced it did and tore a good portion of Berserker's dress to shreds. Then a lot of stuff happened very fast. First Berserker said something incomprehensible, possibly in a different language. Then she slapped the wolf, eyes glowing red. Then all of the sudden the entire wolf pack had been slapped to death or fled. Few of them had been able to get away though. Illyasviel's mind tried to process these turns of events as Illyasviel herself found herself in the arms of her Servant, who seemed to sing a lullaby in a foreign language. Illyasviel tried to get a hang of what had happened, but inevitably failed, and settled for stop trying to fight the sleepiness and indeed, fell asleep. Berserker on her hand smiled and the red color disappeared from her eyes.

[Roughly Two Months Later, Somewhere in Fuyuki City]

Bazett Fraga McRemitz was what you in a standard shounen-manga would call strong. She had to be, of course, since she was an enforcer of the Mage's Association it kind of came with the job. In addition to that she hailed from an old family of Magi, so she was expected to be good from the get-go, and her body-build became the icing on the cake. It was therefore not a surprise when she was became chosen as a Participant in the Fifth Holy Grail War. That it was supported by the Association was not entirely surprising either. I mean, an artifact that could grant any wish, what would you expect from a bunch of greedy geezers- I mean such well-educated gentlemen.

This was the reason she now was in Fuyuki, or to be more precise, an overly large manor in Fuyuki. The reason for this was that the Gee- Gentlemen from the Association thought that as their unlucky sou- choosen member, Bazett should stay in a place befitting her position. Bazett herself had preferred a small, cozy room in Fuyuki City Hyatt Hotel or something, but whatever. No risk of someone walking in on her summoning at least, there was an uncountable amount of sizeable rooms to choose from.

The room she had chosen was indeed big, and for good reason. After all, the house wasn't hers, and if it was damaged she may have to pay, and there was no way she'd be able to afford that. In a bigger room, there was less risk to cause unwanted and untold damage after all.

Bazett'd lie if anyone asked if she was nerous and she replied "No". After all, she was about to summon a Heroic Spirit, and even if she didn't summon the one she hoped for, Cú Chulainn, it'd still be an amazing character. Being amazing in any way was a requirement for Heroic Spirits after all. Therefore it was with a certain nervous tremble she drew the circle. However Bazett wasn't alone in the room. With her was also Kirei Kotomine. He was the local priest and mediator of the Fifth Holy Grail War, as well as a man Bazett trusted quite the lot, even if his eyes seemed a bit empty. He had offered to be there to help if needed during her Summoning, and Bazett had accepted gratefully. This was the reason he now stood in a corner of the dimly lit room.

"Ye first, O silver, O iron.
O stone of the foundation, O Archduke of the Contract.
Hear me in the name of our great teacher, the Archmagus Schweinorg.
Let the descending winds be as a wall."

Bazett began the Summoning. Her heart was pounding with anticipation.

"Let the gates in all directions be shut, rising above the crown, and let the three-forked roads to the Kingdom revolve.
Shut. Shut. Shut. Shut. Shut.
Five perfections for each repetition.
And now, let the filled sigils be annihilated in my stead!"

Kirei Kotomine watched in silence, with lips that curved ever so slightly that it nearly resembled a smile. anyone who had spent any time with him would know otherwise though. Bazett was elsewhere occupied anyway.

"Set.
Let thy body rest under my dominion, let my fate rest in thy blade.
If thou submitteth to the call of the Holy Grail, and if thou wilt obey this mind, this reason, then thou shalt respond.
I make my oath here."

The Cirlce had started to glow now and a gentle wind started to blow.

"I am that person who is become the virtue of all Heaven.
I am that person who is covered with the evil of all Hades.
Thou seven heavens, clad in a trinity of words,
come past thy restraining rings, and be thou the hands that protect the balance!"

Light. The room, for it's great size, was consumed in Light. The before so gentle wind was now roaring through the room, flinging objects all over. The noise of the wind filled Bazett's ears and she couldn't see a thing from the Light. It took nearly a full minute before she could see again and her ears worked again. In the centre of the circle stood a tall man. He was dressed in Simple, elegant clothes and had white hair reaching his shoulders. In his hand was a long, black spear. It would appear that she had managed to summon a Lancer, only not the Lancer she wanted. Ah, no matter. "I ask you." His voice was coarse, but a certain class. This was no average Johnny. "Are you My Master?" Bazett's voice seemed to be stuck in her throat, so all she could manage was a nod. The man seemed pleased though.

It was then a soft shuffle was heard. It was Kotomine who finally moved again, Bazett had nearly, no, she had forgotten about him. She turned, with a growing smile on her face. Then, a flash. Movement. All of the sudden, Lancer was in front of her, holding his spear with one hand to block a blow that had come against her. For some reason though, Kirei Kotomine was on the attacking end, holding one of his Black Keys. Bazett's brain couldn't quite keep up. Neither, apperently, could Kotomine. And then Lancer spoke. "Get out of this house. You taint the Clothes you wear. " It was just two sentences, but it was enough. Lancer's voice and gaze said enough. They promised pain unfathomable if Kotomine stayed any longer. Therefore, Kotomine left. It started as a stumbling shuffle backwards, but soon he ran out of the house- sorry, manor. Lancer turned to Bazett and kneeled. "What is your command, Master?" Despite the coarse quality, a certain softness could be heard in his voice. Bazett's reply was a sound that probably was meant to be "I need to sit down a bit, excuse me." It was hard to tell though, since her legs gave way, followed by fainting. But what can you expect, it had been a trying day.

Omake:

Catasros: And another Master has preformed the Summoning. Thus, a new Servant who was removed joins me in this Omake. Today, it is Cú Chulainn! Welcome!

Cú: ...Why am I here?

Catasros: Because you are not in the story, so you get to show up here instead. Obviously.

Cú: I don't want to appear. You will ruin my character!

Catasros: Rude. Whatever, what do you think about your replacement!?

Cú: He'll do. Can't be as good as I, but he'll do. More importantly, just what is this crap? What are you up to?

Catasros: Well, I woke up one morning after having read quite the lot of fanfiction the night before, and thought "Why is it that everytime someone writes about the Fifth Grail War in a different way, Shiro still summon the same Saber, or at least a Saber? So I thought about what kind of servant he'd get if it wasn't a Saber of King/Queen Arthur/ Arturia. Not in a serious manner though, since I enjoy fanfictions with a healthy dose of humor. Then I tought of Rin in a similiar situation, and from there it simply snowballed.

Cú: I see. So that is why you took it to yourself to horribly mutilate the original story. By the way, why do I feel like we already have done this?

Catasros: *Knocks Cú unconscious* Ooops, we're out of time! See you all in the next chapter!