It is well into the afternoon by the time my apartment is cleared and things finally begin to calm down in my head.
Dorme took the liberty of fashioning me into a simple, dark blue linen dress for the remainder of the evening. It does not do well to hide my secret pregnancy, but it should not matter, since I'm not expecting any other visitors, and the only one who would turn up unexpectedly would be Anakin.
Still, for the purpose of taking caution, Dorme adds an elaborate array of beaded jewelry to my neckline and waist, just above my largely growing baby bump. She also hands me a dark shawl to wear, to add extra volume to my arms and chest, in hopes of making my belly look smaller. I laugh when she instructs me on this. Sometimes I think she takes hiding my pregnancy more seriously than I do.
I walk around the apartment, idly straightening up anything that may appear out of order from the recent company.
Like a shadow, I barely see him breeze through the entrance and into the apartment.
"I wanted to surprise you." Anakin says, greeting me with a smile and a soft kiss.
"Any visit from you comes as a pleasant surprise. What are you doing here in the middle of the afternoon?" I reply to him, adjusting the end tables in the vestibule area.
His tone suddenly drops and I see the smile fade from his face. I want to apologize to him. I almost hate myself for wasting out precious time with a greeting that makes his presence sound like such a burden.
"I had some time before I needed to go see the Chancellor. He tells me he has an important upcoming meeting with a group of Senators in a few days. Do you know about it?" He asks me. There is an alarming hint of skepticism in his voice.
"Yes, as a matter of fact I'll be there. I think it's his—"
"Last meeting of the day," He interrupts me, "I'll be there too. I sit in on most of his meetings lately. You should hear some of the nonsense people come in and complain to him about. They expect him to solve their problems when he has—"
"Enough Anakin," I interrupt, without wasting any time wondering why. I don't want to hear him defend the Chancellor like he's some sort of demigod. I don't know how I want to think of the Chancellor right now.
Anakin looks at me with eyes of disapproval and a mouth that suggests I may as well have just slapped him across the face. He turns away and takes a seat on the couch where Obi-Wan and I had our emotional conversation hours ago. I wonder if he can feel any trace of his master's presence.
My questions are answered. In the long, silent moments that follow, Anakin looks darkly around the room. He closes his eyes and I can see pain and trouble making his facial muscles twitch and writhe.
He must be thinking of the dream again, I think to myself, watching him while finishing any cleaning that remains.
When he opens his eyes, he continues to look straight ahead, presumably contemplating the visions that haunt his mind. I take off my shawl and begin to fold it in my arms, walking through the apartment to the bedroom.
"I sense someone familiar. Obi-Wan's been here, hasn't he?" Anakin asks as I walk past him on the couch.
"He came by this morning." I say with a smile, running a hand lightly across his shoulders.
"What did you talk about? You told him about us, didn't you?" He asks, sounding bothered.
"Anakin, why are you acting like this?" I ask, turning and placing a hand on my lower back for support.
"What did you talk about?" He repeated, sounding increasingly angrier.
"We talked about you." I answered, feeling suddenly small and insignificant since he stood up from the couch and looked down upon me.
"What about me?" He pressed on.
"Anakin will you relax? He's worried about you." I say, turning again and continuing to the bedroom. "He says you've been under a lot of stress."
"And he's not?" He continues to bombard me with this barrage of questions.
I take a moment and study him before I answer. I could say a lot of things to him right now, and I might if I was as hotheaded as he is. However, being so practiced in the Senate, it has become second nature for me to know when to hold my tongue and say only the appropriate.
"The way you've been acting since you got back, it's just…" I begin, but trail off. I can't say anything to him without him exploding on me. I want to blame the stress, but I can't help but feel it has to do with something else anymore.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm in a free fall. The Council doesn't trust me; the Chancellor doesn't trust the Council. They're plotting against each other and I don't know what to do. I don't know where I fit into it all anymore. I feel lost." He admits, looking out the bedroom window as if he will find himself and all the answers he needs out in the vastness of the city.
"Lost? What do you mean? You've always been so sure of yourself." I say, halting at the closet. His comment caught me off guard, and I stopped moving to look at him just before placing my shawl in the open closet space.
"Obi-Wan and the Council don't trust me." He repeats blatantly.
I continue to look at him, feeling suddenly sorry. I didn't mean to be angry or short with him earlier. Maybe he is under a lot of stress with the missions and fatigue he's surely going through. There's something in the way he looks at me with those big, deep eyes that screams pain and trouble. Are his nightmares really affecting him so badly? Is his complicated status in the Order really putting so much strain on him?
If he would only know the support he has that he just doesn't realize. I would support him until my last breath. I will be here for him at the end of every day, waiting to comfort him and help him with whatever I can. I wish he would see this in others too. He takes Obi-Wan's visit as an act of sneaky secrecy and betrayal, yet he doesn't know that Obi-Wan came here solely to find a way to help him and have me help him through these troubling times.
"They trust you with their lives. Obi-Wan loves you like a son." I say to him, hoping that he believes me and sees that we're not all against him.
He pauses for a moment and looks back to me, "It doesn't matter. Obi-Wan's on his way to Utapau to be the hero."
There is resentment in his voice. I want to roll my eyes. I want to tell him that its OK for him to not be the hero all of the time. I want to tell him that he can let Obi-Wan have this mission and he can get the next one. He is still as much a war hero as his master. But I hold my tongue, because I don't want to wake the beast within.
"What is this really about?" I ask him, sounding worried.
"I don't know," Anakin replies slowly, "I don't know anything anymore. Something's happening. I'm…I'm not the Jedi I should be. I'm not satisfied. I want more, and I know I shouldn't."
I look at him with worried eyes. I've only ever heard him speak of power once before: on Tatooine when he brought his mother's body back to the Lars' Homestead, and he broke down before me in the garage. It was horrible to see him, so young and innocent at the time, twist into something so troubled and resentful. This is how he looks now. Only there is calmness to his speech and facial expression, which worries me even more.
"You expect to much of yourself." I walk over to him, placing my hands on his firm chest.
He wraps his arms around my waist and I look deeply into his eyes, hoping to tame the beast and bring back my Anakin.
"I found a way to save you." He says to me as if I don't understand why he's feeling so inadequate.
"Save me?" I ask him. I know he's referring to the nightmares of my death, but I ask anyway.
"From my nightmares." He clarifies, giving me a determined look.
I give him a sad smile. I can't believe that all of this is still over the nightmares.
"Is that what's bothering you?" I ask him.
"I won't lose you, Padme." He grips me tighter, as if clinging to life left in me.
I have to calm him down. I have to put his mind at ease. I have to end this. Not just for us, but also for Obi-Wan, the Council, the Chancellor, and everyone else who this has burdened.
"I'm not going to die in childbirth, Ani." I say to him with the most honest and serious face I can give him. I have to force the facts as blatantly as I can into him.
"No, I promise you." He says, barely letting me finish. "I am becoming so powerful with my knowledge of the Force. I will be able to keep you from dying. I will be able to keep you safe with me. Forever."
His promise hits me with a daunting and threatening tone. I hesitate and take a deep breath.
"You don't need more power, Anakin." I say, looking away from his intense eyes. "I believe you can protect me from anything, just as you are."
We embrace and he kisses me, but it's not the same kiss I've felt on his lips before. I feel apprehensive. I feel passionless. There is no music, no crescendo of our love theme. There is just silence and an increasing amount of worry that rises within me.