So sorry its been so long... Ermm, I think its two chapters left...
A huge thank you to bodybroke for being amazing...
Enjoy this chapter :) P.s Miley fucking cyrus at the VMA's... Gurl, pleeease.
22th September 2021
Santana stared at the plane tickets resting on the table in front of her. This was her opportunity to sort herself out, to sort her heart out, well more so her mind.
Her heart was safe, she knew that Brittany was the one for her. It wasn't even a matter of thinking of Brittany. It was a matter of sorting herself out. Her mind was filled with stupid fantasy words.
If only life was as simple as 'If you're a bird, I'm a bird'. Santana knew Brittany was a bird, and she knew this made her a bird. Santana couldn't hide the fact she loved Brittany, that she was in love with Brittany.
But the guilt was still there. Like a constant itch, she couldn't reach to scratch. The constant memories of her stupid decisions causing her to singlehandedly ruin her marriage. Her stupid insecurity about her not being enough for Brittany, her inability to forgive and forget, her liaison with Fran which only hampered any hope for a smooth reunion with Brittany. It all came back to Santana.
Santana couldn't try to have an excuse to not succumb to Brittany's pleads for them to be together. For Santana, the idea of Brittany pleading for them to be together wasn't even thinkable. She had paid for her mistake, if anything, it should be her begging for Brittany's forgiveness.
Letting her fingers skim over the edges of the plane tickets, she released a deep sigh. A heavy sigh, burdened with the thoughts of hurting Brittany by asking for more time.
When Quinn suggested she come along with the trip, she almost cried. The thought of leaving Brittany was almost painful, even though things between the pair weren't good. The hope of reuniting was so close, they both could almost taste it. Santana leaned forward, running her fingers through her unruly black hair; sucking in a sharp intake.
Her and Brittany weren't ready to be together right now. Santana knew that this was best for her and Brittany. She needed to sort her mind out, forgive herself and try to work on getting Brittany to forgive her.
"Britt, it's me..." Santana said, as she heard the familiar click of Brittany answering the phone.
"Oh... Hey, San." Brittany replied
Santana sighed softly; "Britt, is there any chance we can meet up? We need to talk… I need..."
"I'm actually busy working in a few minutes. If it's important, just say it..." Brittany replied
"I'm going away for a few weeks with Quinn." Santana said
"Are you serious?" Brittany asked
"Britt, I need this... I know you can't... I know it sounds stupid... but I need this." Santana said softly, "I need the time... I need this."
"Wow..." Brittany mumbled
"Britt, this isn't about us. I know we love each other... But the timing isn't for us right now. I'm stupid for wanting more time but... I'm just not ready, Britt." Santana replied; "I love you... You know this, Britt. I've never stopped loving you... But this is about me... I have to sort myself out."
Brittany sighed deeply; "What about us, Santana? I love you... You don't need to change..."
"It's not... I love you, but there's gonna be a time when we're both gonna click... That moment when both of us know this is it. We're just gonna wake up one day and know that 'I want all of you, forever, you and me everyday.'" Santana said
Brittany sighed sadly; "I want you now, Santana. I want us forever now."
Santana licked her lips; "Britt, I've already messed us up once. I don't wanna miss my second chance by rushing in too soon, holding things back, regretting how badly I treated you."
"Santana, you'll never miss your second chance. It's called tomorrow... You should do what's right for you... I'll love you whatever... Just know that I'll always be waiting, Santana. I love you, and that will never change. Time will never change that." Brittany said softly; "Will you let me know that you're okay?"
"I'm not gonna lose you, Britt. I will never lose you." Santana replied softly
"I love you." Brittany murmured
"I love you, too." Santana murmured in response, her fingers coming up to wipe her cheeks; "I have to go... I'll call you before we leave."
"Okay... Have fun." Brittany replied
Santana smiled softly; "Okay, talk soon."
"Wait, San..." Brittany said; "You… You're in this with me, for good right?"
"Yeah, Britt... We're forever." Santana replied
"Please don't... I never want a break from you... I don't want... I don't want you to see other people." Brittany said softly
Santana redrew a shaky breath, "Baby... Britt, I'm not gonna... I won't do that, Britt."
"I... Thank you." Brittany replied; "I should go... I'm needed... Please call me before you go."
"I will, Britt." Santana said
"Good... I have to go..." Brittany said
Santana nodded, "Yeah... Go ahead, B."
"Yeah... I love you." Brittany replied
"I love you, too." Santana murmured
With a soft click, Brittany hung up the phone. Santana sighed deeply, placing the phone down.
5th October 2021
"So you guys talked?" Quinn asked, folding her gossip magazine as she turned to look at Santana
"Yeah... A little bit." Santana revealed softly; "You know when you just wake up one day, look around your life, and realize your life is nothing like you want it to be."
Quinn nodded; and Santana shifted in her seat.
"I woke up, Quinn. Alone in bed... and I looked for Britt... Call it whatever you want... but I felt so... lonely. I just wanted Brittany. I wouldn't call it a moment of revelation... But it felt like it. I've been so wrong, Q. So wrong."
"What?" Quinn asked
"I haven't exactly been acting in the right mind set for a while..." Santana said, with an embarrassed smile; "I've been in the wrong, Quinn... Since the very start, Brittany knew she made a mistake, and she was sorry... and I used it against her. I hate myself for what I've done."
"San..." Quinn started
"No, Quinn... I've been so fucking stupid. God, it's pathetic, considering how badly I've acted over what? Brittany wants me, she's always wanted me... I hated her, Q. Not literally... but when she finally got the chance to dance... I hated it." Santana said, with a deep sigh; "I know how badly she needed that, how badly she deserved it... I know this now... but it doesn't excuse how I acted, Q. What I said, she didn't deserve that."
Quinn sighed deeply, tugging a strand of loose hair behind her ear; "Look, I get how you feel."
"No, you really don't, Quinn. I've been single-handedly ruining my marriage, on the inane belief that I was in the right." Santana replied, slapping her palms against her thighs causing a sharp slap to emit in the almost silent plane ride; "I was never right, Q... I have been... It's been three years, Quinn. Since everything, and I've been such a fool."
"I get it, San... You wanna... You hate how you treated her, and you think you're a bad person..." Quinn said; "You know, and I know, that Brittany would take you back tomorrow, no questions asked. She'd forgive everything, San. You know this."
"Don't you see how that makes this worse?" Santana asked, turning to glance out of the window, before sighing softly; "I get that Britt loves me, and I understand she'll forgive me easily but it makes it ten times worse... Knowing that I've been so angry, how hurtful I was to her... That she'll forgive me so easily, when I couldn't..."
Quinn nodded softly; "Maybe this trip was a good idea for you. To forgive yourself, before getting back with Brittany... Don't wait too long, though. Britt has been waiting three years."
"We married for forever, Q. Time apart hasn't changed that. Regardless of my own actions, Brittany's my wife, and I would never change that. To give the last three years some credit, this has tested us, and I know that no one compares to Brittany." Santana said
Quinn nodded; "As long as you know what you're doing... I just don't want you to lose Brittany, or waste too much time without her."
Santana nodded, with a small smile; "I know... I won't risk anything, Q. I just need to figure my own head out."
Quinn let her eyes rake over Santana's face before nodding and turning to reread her magazine. "Just be careful, San."
Santana nodded lightly before letting her head rest against the window.
16th December 2021
Brittany wiped her snow covered hands together, trying to warm them up. She was currently in Vancouver. Since her parents were visiting Europe for the holidays, she had decided to see Kitty.
While her first choice was automatically to spend the holidays with Santana, that wasn't to be; as Santana had been rather distant since she arrived back a month ago. Quinn had kept in contact with her, about their trip; and a daily update on Santana; and even she couldn't come up with any idea about why Santana was being distant.
Letting out a deep sigh, Brittany looked down at the snowman she was trying to make, before pushing the head off until it fell on to the ground.
"What's wrong?" Kitty asked, with a concerned face
"What's the point, Kit?" Brittany asked
Kitty furrowed her eyebrows; in confusion; "What are you on about, B? I'm not a mind reader."
"Waiting for Santana. I mean... Why?" Brittany asked
"You love her, B..." Kitty replied, with a small smile; "I'm sure you just miss her."
"Of course I miss my wife... I just... What if all I'm waiting for is a divorce?" Brittany asked
"She loves you, right? She's told you this..." Kitty said
"She loved me years ago. It's stupid to be apart. I love her; I wanna be with her." Brittany replied; "I don't wanna waste time when I could be with her."
"Well, maybe you need to talk to Santana." Kitty mumbled
Brittany sucked in a sharp intake of breath; "I can't... I don't wanna seem like I'm rushing her... because she might regret even wanting to be with me."
"Well, you deserve to know where things stand." Kitty added as she turned and walked inside the house.
Brittany sighed deeply; and dug into her pocket before flipping out her phone. Wasting no time, she began calling Santana.
"Hey, it's me." Brittany said when she heard Santana pick up
"I know, caller ID." Santana replied
"Oh... Yeah." Brittany mumbled
"Is there something wrong?" Santana asked
"No." Brittany said, slightly confused that Santana would ask her that; "I'm actually calling to see if you were okay..."
"Yeah, I'm... okay." Santana finally settled on saying
"Okay... Just okay?" Brittany mumbled in response
"Yeah, I'm okay. What else do you expect me to say?" Santana asked
Brittany sighed; "How are your parents?"
"My dad's been ignoring me for the past few hours... and my mom keeps asking about us." Santana said
Brittany nodded to herself, crunching on the snow. She tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear. "I miss you."
"I miss you too, B..." Santana murmured
"Are you free for New Years?" Brittany asked
"I should be..." Santana said
"Can... Can we spend it together?" Brittany asked
Brittany bit the inside of her cheek as she heard Santana sigh deeply.
"That... It sounds good." Santana finally said
"You don't have to, San." Brittany offered halfheartedly
"No, I want to... We haven't seen each other in a while." Santana replied; "It will be fun."
"I've missed you." Brittany murmured
"I've missed you, too." Santana said softly
Brittany rubbed the back of her neck; "See you soon?"
"I'll see you soon." Santana replied
31st December 2021
Brittany released a shaky breath as she sat beside Santana; she watched as Santana rubbed her hands together. "Are you cold?"
"It's fine." Santana mumbled as she took a small sip from her cup
Brittany placed her hand on Santana's lower back, over the material of her hoody. Santana eyed her slightly from the corner of her eye before tipping the cup back and sipping the cool liquid.
"The fireworks will start soon." Brittany muttered as she glanced down at her watch.
"Yeah..." Santana breathed out, looking over the surroundings; the snow which covered near enough everything.
"I should get a blanket... I mean... They will be on for a little while." Brittany mumbled, before standing up and walking inside.
Santana placed her cup beside her feet; running her fingers through her hair. Releasing a shaky breath, she gasped softly when she felt a blanket being placed across her shoulders.
"Thanks." Santana said
Brittany sucked her lips into her mouth before nodding lightly and sitting down beside her. "You're welcome."
Santana looked over at Brittany who was staring at her watch before instantly flicking her eyes to meet Santana.
"Are you okay?" Brittany asked
Santana nodded silently, almost dumbly; "Yeah, B..."
Brittany's lips lifted up into a small smile; obviously glad by Santana's response. Brittany shifted closer to Santana, her knee pressing against Santana's. "I... I'm glad you came."
Santana smiled softly; "Me too..."
Brittany rolled the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth, trapping the skin as her eyes danced playfully over Santana's face. "You know... I've been really nervous... about tonight, today."
Santana smiled; "Really?"
"Yeah, I was so... worried." Brittany revealed
"You don't have to be worried about spending time with me..." Santana replied, leaning down to pick up her cup.
"Santana, things aren't the same between us, are they?" Brittany asked
"Aren't they?" Santana questioned, her eyebrows nearing together in a confused frown
"You've been turning me down. I... I love you." Brittany said
"And I love you, Britt... but look at us. We're... I'm terrible right now. Believe me when I say you do not want to be with me right now." Santana replied; "Britt, baby... Give me a little more time. I love you. That will always be true."
Brittany's head sunk a little, in disappointment.
"Britt, I'm not trying to hurt you." Santana said
"Well, you are, Santana. You're hurting me." Brittany replied
"Then maybe this was a bad idea." Santana snapped, standing up; and throwing the blanket on the ground; "I never should have came. I'm not ready to be with you. Just accept it. I'm not ready... You keep pushing me to be with you."
Brittany shook her head; "I'm not forcing you, Santana. I haven't forced you to do anything. I'm just... I want to know the truth."
"The truth is I'm not ready." Santana murmured softly
"And when will you be?" Brittany asked
"Britt, I can't... I don't know when I will be. I... I don't wanna rush things... but you keep pushing me." Santana said
"I'm not trying to." Brittany muttered
Santana ran her fingers through her hair, barely acknowledging the fireworks going off in the background until she turned to see them. Letting out a dry scoff; "Happy New Year, I guess?"
Brittany wiped her eyes softly; "I'm sorry..."
Santana sighed deeply, sitting beside Brittany; she placed her hand on Brittany's forearm. "No... I'm sorry. I'm not even thinking how difficult this is for you."
Brittany smiled weakly, covering Santana's hand; "You know I just want you... I don't care about the past."
"Britt, I'm not ready." Santana whispered, intertwining her fingers with Brittany's; "I want to be... but I can't rush this. I can't rush us, not like last time."
Brittany let out a disappointed sigh, letting her eyes turn to look at the last remaining fireworks still burning across the midnight sky. "I thought tonight was... I thought you were ready. I got... I got my hopes up, San. This is... I'm in this marriage too, Santana."
Santana cupped Brittany's cheek, gently turning her to look at her. "I'm sorry, baby... I really am."
"I'm in this marriage, and you're treating this like... It's just affecting you... I'm in this too." Brittany mumbled, her voice trembling on the last words
"Shush..." Santana whispered gently, letting her thumb come slowly across the curve of Brittany's cheekbone, wiping the light teardrops away; "I get it, sweetie... I understand."
"I need... reassurance." Brittany said; "I need to know that you're not gonna wake up one day, and ask me for a divorce... I need to know."
"I love you..." Santana said
Brittany ran her fingers through her hair; "I can't... I won't wait forever, Santana."
Santana nodded; rubbing her hands together; "I don't... I know you won't... And that's why I'm trying to figure myself out... Be better for you, for us."
"You've been trying for so long, Santana... And you can't keep stringing me along and expecting me to just be there when you figure your shit out. It's been three years, and we still aren't together... You've been with someone else in that time, while I've just waiting around like a puppy." Brittany said, watching as Santana looked away from her, wiping her eye with her forefinger; "I love you and I want to be with you, but maybe you don't want to be with me as badly as you say you do, or else it wouldn't be taking you so damn long to figure it out... What do you expect me to think, San?"
"I get why you think I'm stringing you along. But I'm not, Britt." Santana said, reaching over to grab Brittany's hand; "I love you... baby, I wouldn't be trying..."
"I'm tired of fucking waiting." Brittany snapped, pulling her hand away from Santana; "Three fucking years..."
Santana covered her mouth with her hand, as she turned away from Brittany; "Britt, I heard you the first time."
Brittany sighed; "I'm fed up, San... What am I waiting for? What-"
"I get it." Santana interrupted; "You don't wanna wait... And you shouldn't have to... I feel terrible for even asking you... but please."
"Santana, I don't even know what you have to figure out. What is there to figure out?" Brittany asked, her eyebrows slightly furrowing together in confusion. "I'm so... I'm so fucking confused, San... Like what are... Are you still trying to figure out how to forgive? Do you have to figure out if you even want to be with me? If you want someone else?"
"What! Britt, no... I don't want someone else... I want to be with you... It's me, I'm sorting myself out." Santana replied
Brittany sighed deeply, slapping her hands against her thighs; "Sorting yourself out? How Santana? By ignoring me... By trying to solve things by yourself..."
Santana released a sigh
Brittany licked her lips; "Santana, you've been trying to solve all these problems by yourself... and it hasn't been working. Our relationship is based on a partnership... and it just feels like I'm in this on my own, you know?"
"Britt, I want you to help. I do... but this isn't you, Britt." Santana said; "You love me, and you forgive me... Too easily, Britt... That makes me feel worse about myself."
"I... I wanna help." Brittany mumbled
"And you will... Baby, you're helping me so much by being like this... So understanding... It's helping me." Santana replied, reaching over for Brittany's hand; "You know this isn't permanent, I'm gonna be with you soon."
Brittany shook her head; "I love you, Santana... but I need you to be more... I need to know what's going on with you. I need you talk to me..."
Santana nodded, turning to place her hand on the top of Brittany's thigh; "I'll talk to you more. I promise... I will, baby."
"I swear, Santana... You need to try with me... I'm so out of loop with whatever is going on in your head." Brittany replied
"I'll be more... I'll talk to you..." Santana said softly, squeezing the musclaurly thigh underneath her fingertips; "I will be better at talking to you... I promise, baby. Just give me a chance, I'll fix myself, and I'll be a better wife."
Brittany let out a soft gasp; her eyes dancing from Santana's to the ground before reluctantly nodding. Santana smiled, pressing her forehead against Brittany, releasing a nervous breath.
"Thank you, baby..." Santana whispered