Chapter 6 – Inspection
"Are you okay, Hermione?" asked Harry at breakfast the next day, watching his friend as she shoved food into her mouth as fast as she could. Receiving a shrug in reply, he groaned. "It's not Spew again, is it?" he said, wincing.
"Spew!" Ron spluttered, half chewed bacon spraying everywhere. "Hermione, please tell me you're not working on that again!"
Swallowing hastily, Hermione glared at him.
"Of course not, Ronald, I've just got some other research I've got to do before science today," she said, before standing up and practically ran out of the Great Hall.
Harry and Ron exchanged dark looks.
"If it's something to do with Spew, I'll kill her," Ron said crossly, spearing a fried egg with his fork.
Hermione's Spew-esque behaviour continued for the rest of the day, but nothing anyone said to her would make her divulge the exact details of her activities.
"All will become clear in science," was her mantra, and that was all anyone got out of her.
"You look happy, Hermione, why do you look happy?" Ron frowned as they entered classroom for their final science lesson of the week.
"All will become clear in science," Hermione replied cheerfully, sitting down at a desk in the front row.
Ron rolled his eyes. "In case you hadn't noticed, it's science now! Come on, tells us what's bothering you."
"Hello, everyone!" Professor Smith said, jumping down the stairs that led to his office. "How are we all, ready for some more genetics, yeah?" he said excitedly, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.
The class mumbled in agreement, but Hermione shot her hand into the air.
"Yes, Miss Granger? Do you have a question about something I haven't taught you yet? Or is it something from last lesson?" Professor Smith asked eagerly.
"Sir, last lesson," Hermione said, taking out a notebook, "you said that the fact that magic was a field with charged particles would not be common knowledge for another one hundred and one thousand, four hundred and sixty-four years, correct?"
"Well, yes." Professor Smith looked slightly surprised that she'd remembered all of those details.
"Um, then could you please explain to me and the class, in detail, how you managed to travel into the future, then make it safely back to the present? Particularly when the extensive research I have conducted on wizarding methods of time travel, none of them mention any way to travel into the future. Sir?" she asked confidently, sitting back down.
The class was shocked. Hermione Granger had actually asked a teacher to explain himself, and essentially accused him of lying! What was going on here?
If Hermione had expected Professor Smith to be put off by her demands, she was wrong. Instead of the pausing, thinking and stuttering she expected him to do, Professor Smith rattled out an answer straight away.
"Wormholes, obviously," he said unconcernedly.
"I'm sorry?" Hermione said, eyebrow raised sceptically.
"Wormholes. I visited the, err, Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland a few years ago. They succeeded in making a wormhole by slamming a few particles together, and had recently made it traversable. I volunteered to test it, and, after entering the thing, ended up one hundred and one thousand, four hundred and sixty-six years in the future."
The class just stared at their teacher with extremely blank faces; not one of them had understood a word Professor Smith had said. Hermione, however, frowned.
"So how exactly did you get back?"
"Easy, I used one of those...things, the um, spinny things, the ones that go tick," Professor Smith said, miming a winding movement with both hands.
"A time turner?" Hannah Abbott suggested.
"Yeah, them," Professor Smith agreed, pointing at Hannah.
Malfoy laughed. "HA! Do you know how many turns it would take to get back to your present? Pur-lease."
"Just because you can't turn the thing almost nine hundred million times!" Professor Smith pouted. "I had to keep count and - oh, shut up!"
All of the class, excluding the Slytherins, giggled, while Malfoy flushed red.
Professor Smith turned to Hermione. "I hope that satisfies you, Miss Granger? Now if it's all right, I do have a lesson to teach."
Hermione bit her lip, but nodded.
"Excellent! Now, right, let's move onto Natural Selection, one of the most powerful natural forces in existence, and is responsible for wizards existing. In fact, it's responsible for most, if not all of the current genetic variety. Simply put, natural selection will make sure that an organism with the best genes will survive, thus, in the long run, will better the species by making them adapt to their environment. Following so far?"
The class nodded.
"OK. There is one downside to natural selection though; it decreases genetic variety in a population. For example, if you had a group of dogs with short and long fur, and it got really cold..."
"So that's what you've been doing all day, Hermione!" said Lavender Brown as the class left the room. "You were researching on time travel in an effort to humiliate him!"
"But it didn't go as you'd hoped, did it?" giggled Parvati.
Hermione flushed. "Well, no. But honestly, wormholes? Who thinks of this rubbish?"
"Him, probably," replied Lavender coolly. "Just because you haven't thought of it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. There are plenty of people who are a lot smarter than you, Hermione, and Professor Smith is one of them!"
And with that, Lavender grabbed Parvati's hand and pranced off down the hallway, leaving a very hurt Hermione behind.
'Encrypted signal detected. Decryption of signal...2% completed.'
The Doctor frowned at the TARDIS' monitor as the machine began deciphering the signal. Hopefully it was just a weird method of wizard communication; he really didn't need another alien menace. Knowing his luck, however...
A gentle knocking on the TARDIS' door interrupted his thoughts. Surprised, he activated the TARDIS' scanner screen and was annoyed to see Professor Umbridge standing outside.
"What does she want?" he muttered, jumping down the steps and opening the door.
"Ah, John," Umbridge said as soon as the Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS. "You should have heard that, as of today, the Minister has appointed me to the position of Hogwarts High Inquisitor."
"Uh - no," the Doctor said bluntly. "So?"
Umbridge frowned and looked a little offended. "It is now my job to inspect my colleagues at this school. If I find them...unsatisfactory," she gave a little laugh, and indicated a clipboard under her left shoulder, "I fire them!"
The Doctor was taken aback at her enthusiasm of potentially firing her fellow teachers, but something else drove that from his mind almost immediately. Inspection? An Inspection? He hadn't been inspected for a long time, not since his days in the Academy!
"Oh. Well then," he said, adjusting his bow tie and puffing out his chest, "inspect me! What do I do?" he asked excitedly, surprising Umbridge. She hadn't encountered anyone who wanted an inspection before.
"I just need to ask you a few questions before class. Firstly, if you don't mind me asking," she said sweetly, "what's your age?"
"That's a personal question," grumbled the Doctor indignantly.
"Yet one that has to be answered, John," Umbridge replied, a tad impatiently.
"Fine. One thousand, three hundred and thirteen."
"I'm sorry...?"
"One thousand, three hundred and thirteen."
"Don't be absurd!"
Professor Smith frowned. "Who says I was?"
Umbridge stared intensly at him for a moment, before sighing, raising an incredulous eyebrow and making a note on her clipboard. "And you have, of course, been teaching for two weeks today?"
"Yeah, but I do have previous teaching experience...sort of."
"Do tell," Umbridge said, looking up at him expectantly.
"I taught at this school once, back in two thousand and seven. It was going quite well really," he grinned. "Until I, err," his smile slid of his face and was replaced with a grimace.
"Yes?" Umbridge said.
"Until I, err, well, blew it up," he finished lamely, looking anywhere except at Umbridge.
"You...you blew it up?" Umbridge shrieked, taking a step backwards.
"Yeah, some bit of trouble with the Krillitanes, had to get my robot dog to, uh, shoot a vat of oil." He winced. "I probably shouldn't have mentioned that."
Umbridge, however, wasn't listening. Instead, she was scribbling furiously on her clipboard. She continued this for another few minutes before finally looking up. "What has been your curriculum thus far in the term?"
At this, the Doctor visibly cheered. Science was what he loved talking about.
"Well, the First Years have been learning stuff like energy; the basics. The Second Years are currently doing geology; the Thirds are just about to start ecology. Fourth Years are enjoying the basics of Chemistry, whilst the Fifth Years have just finished genetics and are moving onto Astronomy-"
"Astronomy?" Umbridge interrupted sharply. "Why? Astronomy is already taught by Professor Sinistra."
The Doctor snorted. "Professor Sinistra wouldn't know astronomy if were dancing in front of her! Did you know," he said, leaning in confidentially, "that she thought the Proxima Centauri system was made up of just one star! I know!" he said, misreading Umbridge's expression of scepticism for one of pity. "Poor woman, you'd think after all the time she's spent in the business that she'd know that it's a ternary star system. Honestly!"
Umbridge nodded and wrote a few more notes.
"But really," Professor Smith continued, "All this stuff's easy, I mean, the things I was taught at the Academy are way more interesting than this - Intestellar Engineering, that was a laugh, that was. And your good old Temporal Mechanics..."
Umbridge frowned and resumed her scribbling on her clipboard. This Professor Smith was extremely eccentric. Cornelius would have to be notified immediately.
Harry shivered as he glanced at Umbridge upon entering classroom six that afternoon.
"Never mind her, mate, mind him," Ron said darkly, pointing to Malfoy, who was sniggering as he took his seat at the back of the class. "Idiot, probably thinks Professor Smith is going to have his pants kicked off by toad face."
"Ron!" whispered Hermione, shocked. "How can you? I for one hope that she stops Professor Smith from telling all these lies."
Ron rolled his eyes. "Still don't believe him about the DNA thing, do you? You're hopeless, Hermione, honestly."
"Hmph!" Hermione replied crossly, and she folded her arms and waited for the class to begin.
"Hello, everyone!" Professor Smith said exuberantly. "You may have noticed that we have a guest today, Professor Umbridge, who's actually going to be inspecting me!" I know!" he said, misreading the anxious looks on most of the class' faces. "Anyway, moving on. Today we start a new unit: astronomy, and the related sciencey bits. So, first up is gravity, does anyone know what it is?"
Silence.
"No one?" asked Professor Smith. "Perhaps you need a hint. So, gravity is the force that keeps your feet on the floor, and stops you from floating off to Zeta Minor, which is a terrible planet, you really wouldn't want to go there. Too much antimatter," he whispered to Umbridge.
Hermione chewed her lip for a second before raising her hand. "Sir, is gravity the result of charm performed by the thirty-five warlocks of the tenth Contingent of Egypt in fifteen thousand BC, which made physical objects bind to each other?"
Professor Smith burst out laughing. "Gravity is created by warlocks of the tenth...that was a good one! You know," he said, grinning, "You know, you almost had me convinced that you believed that load of dalek droppings!"
"But sir..." said Terry Boot hesitantly. "We do. Professor Binns told us in History of Magic last year."
The rest of the class nodded, though the majority of them couldn't remember anything Professor Binns had taught them, let alone something about Egyptian warlocks.
Professor Smith facepalmed. "No," he groaned, removing his hand from his face. "That is no more the truth than I am a dog from Barcelona. The planet," he added.
Hermione was scandalised. "Sir, I know I'm right, it's in all the history books, History of Magic, Great Wizarding Inventions..."
Professor Smith ignored her and raised his voice to talk over her. "Gravity is created by mass. Well, no, technically, it's created by energy and momentum, but that's for seventh year. So, for you lot, any object that has mass creates gravity. I'm creating gravity, as are all of you. Gravity pulls objects together; this is what keeps the planets and the Earth in orbit around the sun. The sun pulls on the Earth, and the Earth pulls on the sun. Neither can escape from the pull of the other. That same principle applies to us. The Earth pulls on us, and we pull on the Earth."
"So is that why we can't fly?" asked Dean Thomas.
"Correct, Mister Thomas, ten points to Gryffindor! Yes, we can't fly without aid because the Earth's mass, and henceforth its gravitational pull, is too great," Professor Smith explained.
Hermione frowned. "But sir, if the more mass an object has means that its gravitational pull is greater, then why doesn't the Earth crash into the sun?" she asked.
"Because the Earth is travelling too fast in space to crash into the sun. Its velocity is precisely what is needed to keep the Earth in a sustained orbit. If we were going too fast, we'd zoom off into space, sort of what the Daleks were attempting to do to this planet. Or will attempt..."
The class neither knew nor cared what daleks were, and just sat there dumbfounded as Professor Smith continued to ramble on about gravity, one of the four fundamental forces of the universe. Professor Umbridge, meanwhile, had been busy scribbling in her notebook. She finally stopped this behaviour after three quarters of the lesson, and proceeded to walk around the class, asking questions.
"Do you find these lessons interesting?" she asked Susan Bones.
"Umm, yes I do, but I don't understand much of what Professor Smith says," was Susan's tentative reply.
"I see," said Umbridge with a satisfied smile. She turned to Pansy Parkinson. "Do you think the information you learn in this class will help you after you leave school?"
"No, because no one I know cares about this gravity stuff," snickered Pansy.
"Quite right," Umbridge replied, patting him on the shoulder as the bell rang. The class immediately began packing up.
"Professor Smith, a moment please!" cried Umbridge over the chattering students; Professor Smith went over to her. Upon seeing this, Harry, Ron and Hermione mimicked their actions in Transfiguration earlier that day, and hung back to eavesdrop on their teachers' conversation.
"When I came to see you before class, you were in that blue box over there. What is it and why does it say 'police'? Isn't 'police' the muggle term for an auror?" Umbridge asked.
"The box holds my equipment that I'll need for the sixth and seventh years," Professor Smith said, "And before you ask, no, you can't see it, it's extremely delicate. As for why it says police, well, I found it in a London junkyard in 1963, took a liking to it, bought it, and have used it as my storeroom ever since."
Umbridge seemed satisfied with those answers, but had one more question. "You said you were...how old, exactly?"
"One thousand, three hundred and thirteen. Why, is there something wrong? Am I a bit too old?" he trailed off, looking worryingly at Umbridge.
"Oh, no reason," said Umbridge sweetly. "Thank you for your time today, John. You will receive the results of your inspection in ten days."
She quickly exited the classroom, not even noticing Harry, Ron and Hermione, who were standing outside, shocked.
"Well, that was...enlightening," whispered Hermione.
"Yeah," agreed Ron. "Quick let's get back to the Common Room before Professor Smith comes out and finds us. Harry and Hermione nodded, and all three tiptoed to the moving staircases.
Back in classroom six, Professor Smith had realised a terrible reality.
"How could I have forgotten?" he asked himself in surprise. "I'm one thousand, three hundred and thirteen years old! One thousand, three hundred and thirteen, with only one regeneration left! I have to visit her, yes, I must go back. Yes. Now." With his mind made up, Professor Smith strode over to the blue box, and stepped inside. A minute later, it wheezing, groaning sound emanated from the box, and it slowly began to disappear, startling Mrs Norris, who ran yowling back to her beloved owner.
"What's that?" Harry asked, as he paused and cocked his ear on the staircase leading to the fourth floor. He swore that he'd just heard a weird wheezing, groaning sound.
"What's what?" asked Hermione, concerned. "It's not the, you know, basilisk again?"
"No, it was more mechanical..."
Ron shrugged. "Must be hearing things, mate. I didn't hear a thing."
"And besides, mechanical things don't work at Hogwarts, there's too much magic in the air," said Hermione reassuringly.
Not convinced, Harry frowned all the way back to the Gryffindor Common Room.
Author Note: Just like the original, the end of this chapter leads into my DW story 'One Day I Shall Come Back', where the Doctor visits his granddaughter, Susan. And I'm assuming that John Hurt's Doctor is the true 9th Doctor, hence why Professor Smith says he only has one regeneration left.
Replies to reviews:
shtoops: Thanks! I don't intend to explain the magical field any more than I already have, I just wanted to make it more believable that the DW & HP universes could be the same. That being said, the magic being charged particles in a field will have further uses (plotwise) down the line.
aronpuma: Would you believe it, but there's a fanfic called 'A Very Potter Sequel'! I didn't even realise the one you were referring to was a musical until yesterday (even your review didn't make it click), when I found it quite by accident. Although I loved it, there'll be no Draco/Hermione; only cannon pairings in this story and the sequel...save for one! It's actually interesting, but I feel that the Doctor I've written is very 11, so I suppose it's all subjective. Still, I'll look back at the story and see if I can make the aspects you pointed out more prominent. And sorry, but no fezzes or Captain Jacks will be appearing (Though a fez will be in the sequel).
Henny14: Thanks!
PureWhiteFire: Thanks, I hoped you like this one too! The only reason I've got regular updates for this story is because I've already finished writing it, something I intend to do with all my future stories.
Insanityisgood25: Thanks! The sequel will be published either four days or a week after this one's finished, I haven't decided yet. It will only be a sequel to the rewrite, as there's stuff found only in the rewrite that sets up events for the sequel. That and the fact that I've changed the fates of a few of the characters...