AN: Pretty much all the vampires and a bit of the wolf-pack belong to SM.
I don't even own Trisha, Ethan, David, Taylor, or any of the other wolf kids, except Jesse. They belong to yay4shanghai. She's just letting me borrow them for a little while because she is the epitome of coolness!
Sorry it took awhile to update! School is crazy right now, with this being the last week of school and all…But you guys keep me motivated, so thanks for that!
Big shout out and Thanks to my very awesome friends yay4shanghai (the best beta in, well, this solar system—which I still contend includes Pluto) and KupKakes09, both of which keep me on task and give me the very best ideas! Don't forget to show them some love!
Also, check out these other authors: She's A Boozer, Call Me Embrys, Zuzak, Augustblack, and NataliaNicolette.
AND: If Spanish translations are not quite right, blame Google Translator!
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Chapter 17: "Diarios de América del Sur"
ETHAN'S POV
"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."—Prince Gautama Siddhartha, the Buddha
As I board the plane, with the familiar wolf beside me, I pick up my diary. The first thing written in it isn't an entry. It's this quote. This quote has been my mantra during my time away from home. I had to forget about the cards I had been dealt in La Push and find my way now in the world. I had no intention of returning home, not for a very long while, not until I knew for sure that everything had blown over, that Trisha and David were happy and I was no longer a threat. My Trisha, whom I loved so much, I was willing to let her be with another wolf, because that's what she wanted. She occupies a lot of my thoughts in this diary. From the first entry to the last, the one I did last night at the hotel in Quito. The diary that is so much more than words, but my journey of self-discovery.
*February 16: I had never realized how wonderful airplanes can be for meditation. Usually I have to be in a completely silent, isolated area to truly feel a sense of calm, but this plane to Quito worked quite well…Bought a book in the airport in Dallas about Buddha…Found my favorite quote and soon-to-be mantra right away. "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." Now, I can only wonder if I will ever be able to let the past go, to let Trisha go, to lose my friendships and to let the shame I've caused my family go. Will I ever be able to truly live in the present? We shall see.
*February 18: Had an epiphany today on the interesting bus ride from Quito to Guayaquil, Ecuador (where I've heard there's an organization that works to stop the deforestation in the Amazon rainforest area to the east, maybe a possible job?)…I met a girl named Zaira, she was beautiful, and I thought to myself, maybe this trip will be good for me, maybe I might imprint, maybe on a gorgeous young lady like Zaira or Aunt Leticia…That wouldn't be so bad, right?
*February 22: Not sure how long my money's going to last, but luckily I got a job today. I've been renting a room from a family here in Guayaquil, the Zaragoza family. It's really just a husband, his wife, and their three-month old daughter, as well as Raymundo, an artist from Mexico City, and Marissa, an English tutor from Florida. The family has a large house and Julietta, the wife, is a wonderful cook. I'm going to start working with Raymundo at his booth at the Mercado Artesanal art market. It should be good money and I'll get to meet interesting people. Marissa offered to take me around the city tomorrow and show me interesting sites. I have to admit, it's nice to have another American around.
*February 24: Met a guy at the market today that agreed to take Raymundo and me east to check out the rainforests. He said a lumber company has been buying up large chunks of the land and chopping down whatever it can get its hands on…basically destroying hundreds of square miles of virgin land, and the habitats of animals and some tribes of peoples not yet known by others…all in a days work for those assholes, I suppose…
*March 3: I've started to settle into a routine, making my transition to life in Ecuador much easier. I tend to wake up early in the morning about 6 and go for a run (it's been great for keeping me from phasing, which I have no intention of doing, ever again). By the time I get home, Julietta usually serves breakfast. Then, after a quick bath, it's off to the market with Raymundo, where I spend my days peddling original art work and pottery. Some days we sell lots of paintings, but there have been days when we've come home empty handed, selling nothing. Julietta has dinner for us. I have yet to eat anything she's cooked that I didn't like. It's different than food back home, but I like the unique qualities of it, with my favorite being an Ecuadorian ceviche.
As the sun sets, and Manuel (the husband) returns home, we reflect on our days, listening to Marissa talk about her students or Manuel discuss his days working in the business district. (I have yet to discover exactly what it is he does, but it has something to do with international stocks. It obviously pays well, but not well enough to keep up the very large house he and Julietta have, being forced to rent out rooms to total strangers.) They accepted me into their little "familia" quite easily and I'm thankful for that. Though, I admit Julietta is no substitute for my own mother, who I miss more than I could ever put into words.
Sometimes when I see mothers with their children on the streets, I get jealous. I want to tell those children to hold onto to their mamas with all their might (and to stay away from girls that belong to someone else…but that's another story). I miss Mom's quick wit and sometimes find myself saying things that remind me so much of her that it hurts. Before I go to bed, I look up at the moon and close my eyes, remembering that the same moon is seen all over the world and hoping that maybe Mom's looking at it too, and we're sharing that moment. I miss Dad, too, wishing I could have made things right with him before I left. And my brother and sisters…Amber's hugs would sure be wonderful right now…So, off I go to stare at the moon, before crawling to bed and waiting to start a new day…tomorrow will be fun. Marissa and a few of her fellow tutor friends are taking me to the Parque Centenario for a picnic tomorrow afternoon. Then tomorrow night is Carnavale…
*March 5:I am all kinds of hungover this morning…I didn't think alcohol was supposed to have the same effect on wolves, but I guess since I haven't phased in awhile, my body couldn't really tolerate it…I've determined the reason why today, Ash Wednesday, is such a solemn day is because no one wants to make any noise because they all have splitting headaches…That's not really why, but it's a good theory…I skipped the run this morning, feeling too sick to move out of bed until noon…Raymundo took the day off from the market, saying no one would be out shopping anyway…It was intriguing watching the people pass by the window as I ate breakfast (I was the only one that ate…the others said they were fasting for Ash Wednesday)…Most of the people were either on their way to or from church, either with ashes on their foreheads, or on their way to get ashes on their foreheads, even little baby Anysabella had them…I loved observing the culture of the people here in Ecuador, even if most of it was semi-foreign to me. I was willing to learn and the people were willing to teach me…
Yesterday before Carnavale I went to the picnic with Marissa and her friends…the park was magnificent and a relief from the equatorial sun, covering four blocks with shade trees. We had "American food" as we called it, ham sandwiches and Julietta had made us her version of potato chips, made with purple potatoes and perhaps the most delicious thing I have ever tasted…We walked around the city and decided to plan a trip to Peru for later in Spring. We talked about politics, philosophy, conservation, you name it. They explained the influence Catholicism had on Ecuadorian culture (the majestic churches and even the celebration of Carnavale) and I told them about my decision to become Buddhist and life growing up on the reservation…It was the first time I spoke freely of my life in La Push…I drank a lot that night trying forget the life I was no longer part of.
*March 7: It's amazing the diversity of people that come through the market, everything from American tourist to teenagers skipping school, still dressed in their Catholic school uniforms, to mothers with their babies. I can actually blend in to a certain extent. It never gets old, watching the American tourists who assume by my complexion that I'm Ecuadorian. Most of the time I play along with it, wanting to watch them make fools of themselves, massacring the beautiful Spanish language. "¿Cuánto de este?" That's what they intend to say, but it comes out very loud and very poorly pronounced.
I love to play along, using my perfect Spanish and acting like I have no idea what they're saying when they speak in English! The other day I listened to two American college students describe my body in great detail, thinking I was clueless. I believe the exact words were, "Do you think he's that big all over?" To which the other responded, "Yum… We could find out." They both smiled as the first said, with lust in her voice, "Oh, yeah, the things we could do to him." That was the first time in my life I have been invited to participate in a "conjunto de tres." I politely declined the invitation, surprising them because not many other men on the face of the planet would decline sex with two women, but I'm not like most other men…and I was still very much in love with someone else…
*March 17:Spent tonight with Marissa and her friends at an Irish pub in the middle of the city, drinking green beer and wondering why the hell there is an Irish pub in Ecuador…
*March 18:Found out today that Raymundo had to move back to Mexico City…some sort of family emergency…so now I am unemployed…Marissa said she thinks she can get me a job tutoring even though I explained to her that I didn't even have a high school diploma. She said that some families don't mind as long as you're willing to teach and that if push came to shove, we could always lie…We shall see…
*March 20:Started my new job today, working in an orphanage here in Guayaquil, where they really didn't care if I had graduated grammar school, as long as I was willing to teach (just like Marissa said)…I am teaching English to some of the kiddos and missing home, as the students remind me so much of the wolf-kids…hoping the wolves and La Push are all safe…Marissa and I are going to dinner tonight. It's a date…I haven't been on a date, unless you call hooking up in a garage a date…We're going to dinner and then back to park for stargazing…should be fun…
*March 21:Marissa…She is wonderfully magnificent…So smart and opinionated…she laughs and I can't help but smile…she numbs the pain…We're going out again tomorrow night and then planning the Peru trip…
*March 30:Tonight, Marissa and I talked about our past relationships. She was quite surprised that I had only ever really dated one person. I didn't tell her how much Trisha had meant, still means to me. I explained that she was my first everything and that she chose my best friend over me. Obviously I didn't explain the whole concept of imprinting or the wolf thing…Marissa had her own story of love and loss. She was engaged to her high school sweetheart, who joined the military right after graduation. They were set to get married when he left for basic training, until he met some girl at a bar and decided that Marissa was not what he wanted. She left the US and headed to Ecuador. She's been here for a year and a half, trying to get over her loss…Perhaps we can be better for one another than I first thought.
*April 3:Magic…Marissa and I went to the park again, watching a meteor shower. I couldn't help myself. I leaned over and kissed her softly. She was much more forceful in returning the kiss, pushing me down and straddling me. I was as hard as a rock! It was the first time I had felt this way in so long and I wanted her, but I needed to be cool about this. I wasn't going to screw this up. So, when she moved her hands to my jeans button, I stopped her. She looked a little defeated but I assured her, all in good time…she thought maybe it was because I didn't have protection, to which she made sure I knew she was on the pill…it was good information to know but not what I needed to convince me. I told her it would happen, just not yet…We continued to make out before eventually returning home…
*April 10:Peru equals perfection! It is muy bonita, more beautiful than I could have ever realized.
*April 17:I slept with Marissa last night, had sex with her, fucked her, whatever you want to say…I can't figure out how I feel about it. At the time it was wonderful, in the hotel, overlooking downtown Cuzco. We had spent all day doing the touristy thing, walking around Cuzco, listening to tour guides tell us about the Incan Empire. Everyone else had gone out for the evening…Marissa and I stayed. It started with soft kisses again, then rough kisses.
She was much more experienced than me, more experienced than I had ever thought about being, and I felt my wolf-senses kick in when she leaned on the bed on all fours, begging for me to take her. I complied, thrusting into her. I could get lost inside her, feel her tightening around me, not have to worry one iota about being gentle. I was rough and she liked it. We didn't take things slow and she was all for repeat performances. Three times. Once with her on all fours, once with me on top, and once with her on top. But, then, the last time, as I was about spill inside her I did the one thing no man should ever do during sex: I called out someone else's name. "Trisha!" I don't think she was hearing clearly, because she thought I said "Marissa!" (She even said, "I love when you call out my name like that!" afterward.) I knew, though, it wasn't her that I wanted like that. She was there, a warm body to take up a tiny space in my broken heart. I like her enough. But I don't love her, I can't.
*April 20:Majestic Macchu Picchu! Who knew it could actually be a turn on? As Marissa and I stood hand in hand, both in awe at the amazing site before us, she leaned over to me and said, "Inca Schmica, I want you…" That's all it took. We had sex, her laying on the green grass of the mountain, with me on top of her. She didn't complain about my heat or the fact that we were both almost completely clothed. I didn't say anything this time, just groaned and grunted, listening to her moan, worried I might stick my foot in my mouth again. The way Marissa looks at me, I'm worried she might be thinking there's more to our whole relationship then there actually is…
*April 23:Went for a final walk through downtown Cuzco. Taking the bus back to Guayaquil tonight…I'll be sad to leave, though I have to admit I'm ready to have the routine of my life back…Marissa held my hand all through town and I let her, kissing her here and there, becoming a bit coupley. But I don't say anything, because I have to admit that I like it. I like being in control, for once. I feel like only in a matter of months I've managed to mature and I don't see myself as the same 17-year old kid that left La Push. Sometimes I don't even call it "home" anymore…It's the place I grew up, but I don't belong there…I wasn't wanted there. At least Marissa wants me…At least I don't have to contend with the mind of an angry, possessive wolf pack…At least I don't have to sneak around for months to no avail…
*April 30:Been back in town for 6 days now, back to work at the orphanage, and talking to a few people about going east to spend a week with a native tribe in the Amazon…Who would have thought? A Quileute boy with an Amazonian tribe! Dad would be proud…Billy Black would be proud…Mark would be proud…Trisha, the old Trisha, she would be beaming…
*May 2:Marissa and I went for a walk this afternoon and she told me she's leaving next week to go back to the States. She asked me to go with her…Said she feels like we really have a connection…I was at a loss for words. I don't want to hurt her, I know what that's like. How can I explain to her that I do like her, but not enough to move away with her, I know I don't love her. She said her friends, Lucy and Vanessa, are taking over her and Raymundo's rooms. I'll be living in a house full of women! Not that I'm entirely complaining about it.
*May 7:I said goodbye to Marissa today. We slept together last night, our last big hurrah before she headed back to home. I missed her this evening, wishing she were here to go to the park and stargaze with. I went by myself instead. I found a peaceful little corner, with no distractions and allowed myself to drift off, looking at the stars, then the moon, and thinking of La Push…Marissa had been a distraction from thinking of that part of my life I had lost. Now that she's gone, anytime I try to relax, La Push floods my memories…
It's funny to me how much I wanted and waited for years to become a wolf, so excited that it happened and that I was sharing it with my best friend. It makes me think of the talk at Quil's, where David and I plotted ways to speed up the transformation. We would have given anything to phase…it seems like a lifetime ago, and a world away. In a way it is both. I am not the same person as I was when I sat on Quil's couch telling him how much I loved Trisha and was sure that she would be my imprint…and La Push feels about as far as Mars from Ecuador. And as much as I try to tell myself that I don't miss it, or that I don't regret my decision to leave, I know that I do. I miss my family, my friends, and my wolf-brothers, even though I know they don't miss me. I recite my mantra and try to forget the past, and not worry about the future, all that matters is the present…
*May 14:Finalized plans with a local priest at the orphanage to go to the rainforest…They are doing a bit of missionary work, but I'm going to research, observe, and help with whatever I can. I leave in two days and can't wait to make my mark on the less-traveled world. If La Push could see me now!
*May 22:Returned to Guayaquil today…didn't have time to write from the wilderness…It was amazing! I'm covered in mosquito bites and think I might have malaria, but it was quite possibly the best thing I have ever experienced! Better than sex, better than phasing, better than anything! Seeing these people, so unknown to the world, so remote and isolated, and seeing them look at my skin, seeing the similarities. The kids liked me the most and one little girl held onto me the entire time, making me think of my sisters, knowing Annabelle probably has no idea who I am…a few spoke a little Spanish and no one spoke English…They were what I imagine we Quileutes were like, long before, well we know when…It was communication at the most basic, hand gestures and pointing, but it was so sincere and the connection was unbelievable! (Oh, and I was just kidding about the malaria…I think.)
*May 25:I dreamt of my Trisha last night…God, it's been so long since I've called her "my Trisha." It was her, but not her now…she was older, she looked just like Rachel, but I looked the same…We were both smiling, we both seemed happy…she was in the garage, our garage, and her face was so serene…I've spent all day trying to figure out what it meant…No, I don't care, right?
*June 3: ¡Viva la Revolution! Well, at least in Peru…I'm glad to have been there earlier and not now…Peru has suddenly found itself in disarray with a military coup. Something that some say has been in the makings for weeks. It has caused a huge influx of refugees to our part of Ecuador and the orphanage/church has served as a temporary home for many of them. I've helped a lot of them contact family back in Peru, and even some in the US, to let them know they've arrived somewhere safe. This afternoon one of the Peruvian refugees asked one of the boys from the orphanage who I was. The little boy said, "Él es nuestro maestro, nuestro amigo, y nuestro protector." Roughly translated it means I am their teacher, friend, and protector…it has been so long since I was referred to as a protector…I used to protect people from vampires, now I protect little children from the cruelties of the outside world…Yo soy el protector…I am the protector… and I start to embrace this path, this is my present this is my life.
*June 17:Things at the orphanage have kept me busy. I haven't been writing like I should but maybe that's because there's so much I've seen and felt that I can't put it into words. The images we've been getting from Peru are not good…horrible, even, seeing old colonial buildings destroyed or converted to use by a greedy military…My work never seems to end, as I am no longer just an English tutor, but a counselor, a friend, and a protector, as well. I watched an old man, who reminded me so much of Old Quil, cry into his hands, wailing for his lost homeland. He just kept asking "why?" And the look in his eyes made me wish for a love of a homeland so deep that I could cry…Did I still feel it? Was La Push still my home? Did I have a home? Did it really matter? Could I keep denying the wolf-part of me that was my destiny? Was that my destiny?
*June 29:Military coup over…peace returned in Peru…Walked a group of kids over to a local shop to watch parts of the cleanup on television…While we were there, another TV had CNN playing and there was a story about a group of teenagers gone missing from the town of Port Angeles…Just disappeared while on a camping trip near Forks…the kids identified the area as my former home…My wolf instincts caught up to me, as I immediately worried about creatures that were only legends to these children watching television. I thought for sure it had to be vampires, and I wondered if the boys were on high alert, patrolling around the clock, and I wondered if Trisha was safe…
*July 4: Independence Day…Well, at least in the US…I can't help but wonder about the grand celebration I know is almost surely happening at the Wise house in La Push. What I wouldn't give to see the fireworks, to see Trisha, to see my family…
*July 5: I phased today…I hadn't been that mad in so long…I walked into the house after a long day at the orphanage, to hear Julietta screaming from upstairs…I ran up the stairs, listening as the baby wailed in its crib and Julietta kept yelling, "¡No, por favor…mi bebé!" He was clearly trying to hurt her, my family. And I…I was so angry…I couldn't stop the shaking, the anger, the hatred…I had to protect them…He had no idea what was coming as I ripped him from the bed and threw him at the wall… I chased the punk outside, intent on ending his miserable life…I only got as far as the woods on the edge of town, before I felt the familiar shivers…It didn't take two minutes before I could hear them…I could hear my "brothers"
"Dude… Ethan, is that you?" I recognized Quil's voice, "Where are you?"
Nothing…I said nothing, but thoughts were harder to conceal. I thought of the only thing that could make me calm enough to phase back quickly, opening up the hole in my heart I remembered Trisha's beautiful face.
*August 4: I know one of them is here…I can smell the scent trying to track me down…Damn me for phasing!
*August 7:I'm going up to the a mountain that overlooks the city for some meditation this evening…Don't know when I'll be back…
I found my way into the solitude of the wilderness just like I always could. I knew he was there, knew why he was there, and what his intentions were. He was behind me, not saying anything, just standing there.
"Hola, Solace," I said.
"Hey, Ethan," he came to sit next to me, looking me over. "You look good. I guess that means you've been taking care of yourself."
"Uh, thanks, I guess I have," I sighed.
"Ethan, you know why I'm here, right?" Solace asked. He didn't have to ask it. I knew, I knew the moment I phased it wouldn't be long and one of them would be knocking at my doorstep. I nodded to him. "You know I have to take you back, right?"
"I know…doesn't mean I want to go," I said, not necessarily to him, more to myself, trying to figure out what was going on inside my own head.
"If you go back, I can promise no one will hurt you," he said.
Like that was what I was worried about? An act of wolf death match was the last thing on my mind. "I don't care," I mumbled.
"You can't let yourself get like this over a girl, dude," Solace said. Of all the wolves, I knew that he more than anyone would be able to understand why I had left, why I was staying as far from my wolf-life as possible. His own experiences with imprint nonsense, him sleeping with another wolf's imprint pre-imprintation and then backing down from his own wolf death fight.
"It's not just about Trisha. This is my home now. You can't just take me from my home. What'd you want a thank you or something?" I practically spat at him, raising my voice.
"Ethan, this isn't your home. You let yourself get settled here…You've embraced it cuz you think this is all you have. But you know it won't ever be home, you know where your home is. You're lucky—" I interrupted him.
"You want my home! You can fucking have it!" I yelled at him, feeling the urge to get up and punch him, punch him for ruining my wonderfully exotic life.
Solace responded with the same force and anger. "You don't think I would! They don't want me, you little fucking ingrate!"
I shook my head at him. "You know what? You don't understand."
He scoffed. "That's rich! I don't understand?! If there is anyone in this fucking world that understands, it's me! You've been betrayed by your friends, your brothers. You've lost the love of your life and now you're the enemy of the pack. Been there, still dealing with that shit…I have to admit, I owe you," Solace said, as I gave him a questioning look. "Yeah, you're little fit has taken the heat off of me a little. I mean, at least I fucked the imprint before the actual imprinting occurred. You were rude and inconsiderate enough to do it after. I'm looking pretty good right now."
"Inconsiderate…" I mouthed to myself.
Solace shook his head a little. "How do you think he feels?"
"Huh…you think I give a fuck how he feels? Cuz I don't."
"Then you're an ass. David's your brother. No matter what he did to you or how he feels about you, he's your brother—you share something sacred. If you could quit thinking with your dick for a second—" I cut him off again.
"Says the world's biggest playboy," I sputtered with venom in my voice.
He shook his head again. "The pack always comes before women. Always."
The irony in that statement… "And you abandoned the pack," I pointed out.
"The pack didn't want me anymore," Solace said.
"But they want me?" I asked.
He laughed. "They probably don't, but at least you have what I didn't—a family that loves you and misses you. Do you realize what you've done to them?"
I shook my head. "Is it bad?" I asked in a small voice.
"Huh! Bad doesn't cut it. Your mom has been a mess since you disappeared. She's miserable, which makes your dad miserable. And what about Taylor, huh? He needs you, he needs a big wolf to look up to and you just left him. Ethan, dude, sometimes life isn't just about your pain. Sometimes you gotta suck it up and be a man." Solace's speech could mimic Washington's Farewell to the Troops. When he was finished, I knew where my place was. But I also knew there was one other thing stopping me.
"Solace, if I go back, he'll kill me," I said.
Solace put his arm around my shoulders. "Nah. Hate you forever? Yes. Kill you? No. And you get used to it after awhile."
I grinned at him.
"So does that mean I can get two tickets to Seattle?" Solace asked.
I took a deep breath, inhaling the wonderful South American oxygen, realizing it was time to say good bye to my adopted home.
"Yeah…I guess so," I gave in.
I was going home to face the music.
And now I find myself sitting on the plane, waiting to return, trying to decide what the first thing I will do is when I get back. Solace says Mom and Dad want to see me, but then it's off to a little meeting with Billy, Sue, Sam, and the other elders. I have a feeling they will be surprised to see how I've grown and matured over the last few months. I'm not the same lovesick puppy I was when I left. One look in my journal will prove that. I have a feeling, though, that my return is only the beginning of things to come.
*NEXT CHAPTER: "The Prodigal Son Returns"
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Second AN: I wish I could take credit for the Ethan/Solace discussion. Most of the words are Yay's (as I call her). I put them in a more detailed form but the content is mostly her's.
AND, this story has maybe two chapters and an epilogue left…BUT, I promise there will be a kick ass sequel to follow…
Thanks for your support! You have no idea how wonderful you all are!