Cassie leant on the balcony of the verandah looking out over the moonlit lake. Every year her family spent christmas week here since she was a child. She was trying hard not to wonder if somewhere the same night sky was being observed by a certain student of hers. How pathetic. She was spending her a lot of her time running around the lake in a bid to exhaust herself and stop herself thinking about the return to College and all that would entail. She immersed herself in board games with her nephews and chopping vegetables for her mom trying to ignore the surprised looks her family exchanged when they thought she wasn't looking. She even tried reading as a means to escape from her thoughts that invariably circled back to that near kiss by the auditorium. Cassie sighed, She'd nearly had a drink, after all one would hardly kill her, in an attempt to escape her thoughts but as she brought the glass to her lips she could hear a whisphered "lush" in her head and a vision of Rachel miming holding a bottle to her lips filled her mind. No escape from her thoughts heard the door squeak open behind her and knew without having to look that her brother Paul had now joined her, leaning alongside her and also taking in the view. A few minutes of silence passed.
"Mom's worried about you," Paul said quietly.
"Mom's always worried about me," Cassie replied. ever since she left home her mom had worried about her. It was one of the reasons she rarely contacted her parents, having to listen to her mom's litany of concerns, legitimate or outrageous always tired her out and made her feel guilty.
"You're not touching alcohol," stated her brother. Cassie laughed a little bitterly.
"Surely a reason to be pleased," she said. Only her mom could find not drinking alcohol a reason to be concerned. Paul sighed.
"Come on Cass. Usually your coping strategy for the family get togethers is to be at some level of inebriation and keen to share your insights on our failings. Your new sober and taciturn self is incredibly worrying even if somewhat more pleasant company."
Cassie was glad the darkness hid her embarrassment. She always felt she'd been such a disappointment to her parents and then annually behaved in a way that gave them little choice other than to be disappointed in her.
"Mom thinks you've found religion," Paul broke the silence again trying for a neutral tone. Cassie's sudden outburst of unrestrained highly amused laughter indicated Mom was way off the mark with her theories.
"Why?" managed Cassie once she'd managed to bring her laughter under control.
"She says you've been listening to religious music in your room late at night," explained Paul.
Cassie laughed again before she suddenly found herself sobbing. She'd recorded Rachel's winter showcase performance on her phone and sometimes, okay then often, when her thoughts were confused and racing, she'd listen to the songs with a racing heart and then be reminded of what so very nearly happened. Trust her to forget her earphones. Maybe O Holy Night on repeat was a reason for her Mom to be concerned although the Striesand number could hardly be considered religious. She knew she was behaving irrationally. She wiped her eyes and muttered an "Oh God."
"Is that confirmation of a religious epiphany?" teased Paul trying to hide his concern at Cassie's emotional fragility.
"You idiot," she said fondly turning to hit him gently on the arm. Her thoughts raced. It would be a relief to talk to someone about what was going on for her and yet...Her big brother didn't need to hear about her obsessing over one of her students, someone over ten years her junior. He had two school age children and he'd have a parents viewpoint of just how unprofessional her feelings were even if she'd managed (just) to avoid doing anything about it. She sighed heavily.
"You know you can talk to me about anything?" Paul ventured. He could almost hear her debating in her head whether to confide in him or not. She gave him an unconvincing smile.
"I know. It's just.. I.. It's nothing important," Cassie managed to splutter as a fresh wave of tears made their presence felt. Paul stepped closer to pull her into a hug.
"Thank goodness it's nothing that has you in this state otherwise I'd have to worry," he said dryly. He felt her laugh against him.
"Oh ignore me, I've only recently thrown away my alcohol crutch so I'm a bit fragile at the moment," Cassie said as she pulled away from the hug.
"Usual end of the year blues" she offered as she wiped her eyes. His look conveyed his scepticism as he gave a non committal "Okay" in response. She could feel him scrutinising her as if he could discern her problems by looking. It reminded her of how protective an older brother he'd been when they were at school. She knew her resolve wouldn't last long.
"I've met someone. I don't know but I think they might like me too," Cassie blurted before adding," It's complicated."
"like he or she is married complicated?" asked Paul
Cassie laughed,"I wish it was that simple," She paused. How much to say? He never had a problem with her sexual fluidity but.. ," She's at Nyada too but our positions are a bit different in the heirarchy. Power imbalance would be the phrase."
Paul looked shocked before managing to say incredulously," You and Carmen?" His sister never ceased to be able to surprise him.
Cassie laughed heartily again," No, not Carmen, please!," she paused," Probably be easier if it was."
She could see him trying to puzzle his way through her statements - more complicated than being married, more difficult than being her boss. He didn't get to be a partner in a Law firm on his looks alone; she feared she'd said too much.
"Maybe just early on set of mid-life crisis," she joked to distract his steel trap brain.
"Feeling the need to trade your car in for something faster, sportier and with less seats?" he asked. She shook her head.
"Considering cosmetic surgery as a way to roll back the years?"
"No," she replied emphatically.
"Definitely not premature midlife crisis then," he concluded with a slight smile.
He looked at her carefully before asking, "So just what are the rules about teacher student relationships at NYADA?"
She knew he'd work it out. At least she hadn't had to say it. Cassie tried to hold the tears thet sprung to her eyes back with her fingers. Self-pity wasn't ever attractive.
"Breach of trust, frowned upon at best with age difference helping that condemnation, sackable offence at worst, depends whether there's a direct teaching relationship and anyway nothing's going to happen," groaned Cassie as she rested her head in her hands. She was trying hard not to think about that particularly poor piece of judgment that led to her bedding Brody. It would be really ironic if that got her fired.
"You could wait three years," he suggested.
"Four or three and two thirds" she corrected. She had thought about it but doubted she could survive feeling like this for much longer. She needed to...just move on emotionally.
"You could change your job," he ventured.
"Who, other than soft hearted Carmen, would employ a broadway joke like me?" Whined Cassie. She held her hands up to forestall his protest. He'd always advocated getting back out there and making that disasterous debut an amusing anecdote of her hotheaded youth. She'd preferred to retire to lick her wounds and not give anyone the opportunity to bring it up again.
"Nothing's happened, nothing's going to happen. It's just harder than I thought it would be," Cassie stated unequivocally. If she thought a one-night stand would cure her then she'd probably go for it, god how she'd go for it, but what she felt wouldn't be that easily resolved and besides Rachel hardly deserved such callous treatment. She deserved so much more than that.
"So tell me about her" Paul looked at him in surprise,"You obviously haven't been able to talk about her to anyone else," he added.
"Her name's Rachel and she's a phenomenal singer," Cassie waved her phone at him before adding," my late night entertainment," She smiled just thinking about her," An unconventional beauty with the most expressive brown eyes and an air that is a mix of vulnerable innocence and confident self-assurance," various images of Rachel in her classes flashed through her head. "Never one to back down from a challenge," she laughed at the memory of Rachel being determined to prove she was sexy,"Has a steely resilience, no-one and nothing gets her down for long," Cassie sighed as she smiled fondly.
"So impervious to your charms then?" asked Paul. He knew his sister was a hard taskmaster and sparing with any praise.
"We might have clashed a bit. Maybe had a dance off," Cassie's smile again turned into a sigh,"She's the reason I've stopped drinking."
"I like her already. And you think she might like you because..?"prompted Paul.
"it's the looks we share, the prolonged eye contact, the way she watches me oh and this," Cassie waved her hand," werid tension in the air between us. I don't know, maybe I'm just imagining it."
She ran through yet again the closing of Rachel's eyes as she'd moved closer intent on kissing her the last time she'd seen her before common sense had prevailed. No, she wasn't imagining it. That wasn't a memory she wanted to share with her brother.
"Anyway enough. I'm going to ask Carmen to re timetable me so Rachel's not in my classes and hence not in my life," Cassie explained.
"You're going to confide in Carmen?" Paul asked. Cassie looked justifiably horrified.
"No!" she exclaimed. Now that was a conversation she couldn't imagine having. 'Please change my timetable because I have an enormous crush on one of my students' was hardly a statement to encourage confidence in her abilities as a teacher.
"You think you can avoid this Rachel for the next nearly four years?"asked Paul looking doubtful.
"Maybe not but these feelings will fade and wither. It's just a matter of time." Said Cassie hopefully, doubting the truth of her statement. Not seeing Rachel would just make it easier.
"Well if you ever need to talk you know where I am," he offered.
"Thanks," Cassie hugged him," and thanks for not judging me."
"Well I'm just relieved it's not religion. You haven't done anything wrong Cass, you can't help how you feel. Just promise me you'll look after yourself," he said.
"I'm trying to" she replied," in the meantime want to hear a phenomenal singer? Mom will think I'm trying to convert you." She held her phone up as the first few notes played. It wasn't her place to be proud of Rachel but she was.
Rachel spent her winter break following a rigourous daily workout regime to ensure she remained supple and flexible so there was nothing for Ms July to pick on once lessons resumed. She'd tried to keep herself busy which was incredibly easy on the cruise her Dads had organised for them all. Physical exercise was a major part of her day with the occassional film and copious amounts of reading. Rachel tried extremely hard not to think about events at NYADA which proved quite difficult considering that was practically all her dads wanted to talk about, that and whether she was getting back into the dating game. So she settled for detailed accounts about everything except her dance classes and made non-committal noises about whether she had time for a romantic entanglement. Needless to say her dads then dragged her to a kareoke event so she could perform her Winter Showcase numbers for them. That was it, suddenly she just couldn't get that post performance Cassie moment out of her head.
Rachel would find herself waking in the morning with a racing heart and her body positively throbbing with unsated arousal. The remnants of one of two dreams would be running through her head. Each started outside the auditorium where she'd bumped into Ms July after her winter showcase winning performance. In the first Cassie (at some point she'd murmur 'call me Cassie' with a husky growl) would gently replace her finger on Rachel's lips with a featherlight touch of her own lips. She'd then caress Rachel's cheeks murmuring how amazing Rachel was, how beautful, how delicate and then she'd gently kiss her again. A hint of a tongue would brush against her lower lip, yet more whispered words of how desirable she was, how her kisses were addictive interspersed with soft kisses around her face as a gentle hand on her lower back pressed her against Cassie's firm body. The hand would dip from her lower back to squeeze her buttock at the same time as Cassie's warm wet tongue gained entrance to her mouth. How long the gentle teasing continued varied but the net result was always the same. Rachel would awaken suddenly, heart pounding, nipples taut and incredibly turned on. In the second dream everything started the same but Ms July (she never said 'call me Cassie' in this version) forcefully crushed her lips against Rachel's and backed her into the wall behind them, pressing their bodies together. Her tongue was demanding, swiftly gaining access to Rachel's mouth as her hands quickly freed Rachel's breasts from the confines of her dress and her fingers roughly tweaked her nipples. Ms July's thigh was soon pressurising her centre as she recounted all the ways 'schwimmer' annoyed her in between crushing Rachel's lips with bruising kisses and then sucking on her nipples. In the meantime the pressure of that thigh would be edging her closer to...and then she'd wake up in the same highly aroused state as the other dream caused, desperately sucking air into her oxygen deprived lungs.
Rachel initially was embarrassed at her highly imaginative sub-conscious and would leap up for a quick dousing of cold water as she tried to forget the heated images in her head. However on careful reflection she decided that maybe sexual frustration was the issue so if she awoke halfway along the road to release maybe she should just finish off the job and perhaps the highly erotic dreams would stop? It was incredibly easy to bring herself to a climax, she just needed to think about the way Ms July looked at her during the 'All that Jazz' routine. Soon she was imagining her own scenarios with a surprisingly high number of guest appearances of the piano. She'd have to stop once she returned to New York or she'd never be able to enter the dance studio or face Ms July or the piano even without blushing.
Rachel's good intentions didn't last longer than her first evening back on her own in her shared apartment. Kurt had delayed his return so Rachel had the place to herself. She'd done everything she could think of to physically exhaust herself, the run round the block had been rather quicker than she'd intended (as she'd begun to recall Kurt's tales of muggings and drug deals once she'd set off) and yet as she lay in bed her mind was racing occupied with its usual thoughts about Ms July. She hadn't spoken to anyone about how she felt about the woman. How could she, she wasn't even completely sure what if anything was going on. There was always the possibility that Ms July had just been trying to stop her speaking or gloating about her triumph when they'd bumped into each other and she'd had the manners to use a finger rather than clamping a hand over Rachel's at times rather big mouth. Besides they'd be all 'oh you mean the woman you keeping going on about hating you' which to be fair she did and besides there was the minor issue of everyone thinking she was straight. She rolled over again. Right, this was ridiculous. She needed to find out where she stood and then decide on a course of action once she had the full facts in hand. Although the semester had yet to start College would be open so tomorrow she'd go in and find Ms July's office. She'd march in, place her hands on her hips, look the woman in the eye meeting her narrow eyed gaze and ask - no she'd demand - why exactly Ms July had put her finger on her lips and whether.. Here Rachel faltered a bit because asking someone if they were attracted to you seemed to be socially unacceptable judging by some of her hard learned lessons from High School. Maybe she'd just gather all her courage up and she'd press her lips to Ms July's and just see what happened from there. It would all be sorted out tomorrow no matter what and with that Rachel drifted off to sleep with a slightly different scenario running through her head, that of her as the instigator of a steamy encounter.
Rachel finally found her way through the maze of corridors to the solid door of an office where a gold sign was set at eye height with black type boldly proclaiming 'Cassandra July'. She could feel her pulse quicken at just reading the name. She ran through imagining herself assertively demanding answers from Cassie once more in her head. She could do this.
On the other side of the door Cassie sat aggressively inserting pencils into the electric pencil sharpener and muttering swear words under her breath. Fucking Carmen and her endless fucking reasonableness and need to understand fucking motivations for every fucking thing. It was a simple request, she just wanted to be moved off of teaching Dance 101, how difficult was that? Okay so slightly rotund, no longer supple as she used to be Lydia Fairweather might need to swap away from dance theory to accommodate the change but it was hardly complicated. It didn't take a genius to work out a straightforward swap was needed. Instead Carmen was all about why the sudden need for change and the only excuse she could come up with on the fly like that was some ramble about being tired with running the same class year in, year out. Carmen had leant across the table and then asked why that hadn't been mentioned at her performance appraisal at the start of the academic year? Did she not take the appraisal process seriously or was it her reluctance to teach dance 101 was only recently acquired? Carmen leaning over the desk, resting her hand on Cassie's and asking if there was something else going on that she should be aware of caused a wave of embarrassment to crash over her. She'd managed to shrug and be non-committal even as Carmen scrutinised her yet more carefully. Her heart had stopped in shock when Carmen had asked her quietly whether this had anything to do with Rachel Berry being in her dance 101 class. She'd gaped at Carmen desperately trying to work out what to say as her mind raced trying to figure out what Carmen actually knew when she'd barely worked things out for herself, surely Carmen... Carmen had laughed at her and said the dance-off had been the talk of the school as well as tales of Rachel Berry standing up to her and walking out of her lesson after Cassie had poured scorn on her ability to triumph at the Winter Showcase - surely Cassie could cope with not being right this one time? There was no loss of face to worry about, in fact in Carmen's opinion she'd probably inspired Rachel to a higher standard of performance than she'd have managed otherwise. Cassie had managed to clamp her mouth shut even as Carmen chuckled at her discomfort. Unless Cassie could come up with a better reason other than a very recently discovered dislike of teaching dance 101 the timetable was going to be unchanged. She'd just need to bite the bullet and teach her class the valuable lesson that even teachers sometimes got it wrong. Cassie snarled as she put another pencil into the sharpener creating an impressively sharp point. Now she needed a plan B.
Rachel took a deep breath and tried to steady herself. Her hand was shaking slightly as she raised her fist to knock on the door. She paused, took another deep breath and ran through her lines again. Then gathering all her courage together she knocked firmly and clearly on the door.
The moment of truth had arrived.
Anyone interested in letting me bounce ideas off of them PM me - cheers