Thanks to the volunteers who let me bounce ideas off them, big thanks to the select few who managed to review and thank goodness for extended holidays :)
"Come in," snapped Cassie allowing her bad temper to lace her response. What idiot would dare to knock on her door before term started without an appointment? She pulled a fiercely sharp pencil out of the sharpener and tested the point before roughly inserting another pencil into the sharpener and allowing herself to be temporarily soothed by the electric hum.
Rachel faltered for a moment as Ms July's annoyed voice reached her. The woman sounded angry, mind you, when didn't she? Rachel noted her hand was still trembling slightly as she reached for the door handle. Nothing to fear but fear itself, she chanted in her head as the door swung open and she dared to step in. Shoulders back, chin raised. She could do this.
Cassie looked up mildly curious at the identity of her unexpected visitor. Her heart instantly began to thunder in her chest and her breathing hitched as she took in the sight of a gloriously radiant Rachel. Cassie's memory hadn't been doing the girl justice to the way her dark tresses flowed, framing her face and falling onto her shoulders. Her lips were just as full and inviting as Cassie had imagined. She involuntarily tightened her grip on the now sharp pencil in her hand The sound of the pencil nib snapping sounded like a gunshot in the eerily quiet room. Whatever the reason for Rachel being in her office, it couldn't be a good one. That determined look and the way she was checking out the upper part of Cassie, visible from behind the desk, without any attempt at disguise suggested she wasn't here to discuss dancing. Cassie's mind raced. She knew she needed to seize control of the conversation and her first move would be to regain a height advantage by standing up. She walked round her desk
"So Schwimmer, wish I could say it was a pleasure to see you but it isn't. I was expecting a few more days free from your visage," drawled Cassie. Not her most penetrating insult but the fact she'd spoken first had knocked Rachel off-balance. She could see the girl was building up to speak so she beat her to it yet again.
"Should have known you wouldn't be able to wait until the first dance lesson to rub my nose in your triumphant. You were lucky Alexandria was having such an off day," Cassie added watching Rachel's eyebrows draw together in the classic sign of bewilderment.
"I wasn't.. I wouldn't...I didn't..." Rachel managed to stutter annoyed at her sudden lack of eloquence.
"Come along Schwimmer I haven't got all day to listen to you declining random verbs," Cassie moved around the desk to stand on the same side as Rachel,"What is it you want?"
Cassie arched an eyebrow as she positively purred the final question, leant against her desk and lazily crossed her legs. She was pleased to note how the combination of sultry tones and flashing of legs flustered the girl. Keeping her off-balance was the name of the game. Maybe she'd give up on whatever she'd come for and just scurry away with her metaphorical tail between her legs. Cassie was close enough for a hint of vanilla to reach her. She watched as Rachel swallowed and tried to gather her wits. When she looked like she might be going to speak again Cassie over rode her with a
"Schwim, spit it out," she made a show of checking her watch," so far it's been three minutes of my life I'm never getting back and believe me every moment is precious at my age."
Cassie knew she shouldn't be enjoying a flustered Rachel quite this much but there was something endearing about watching Rachel trying to gather her thoughts and not be disconcerted by Cassie's closeness. She wiped an imaginary piece of fluff off her chest aware of Rachel's eyes tracking her every movement. She'd hold the lip licking back in reserve.
Rachel was berating herself for not factoring in Cassie dominating the conversation during her numerous visualisations of how this exchange would go. It was hard to concentrate with the object of her misplaced desires looming over her with a mischievous if not somewhat predatory look on her face; she hadn't factored that in either. That lazy smile was making her weak kneed and her thoughts were jumbled. She needed to stop being distracted by the close proximity of that taut toned body next to hers. Desperate times called for desperate measures, she needed to channel Barbra. A quick eye close, a long inhale and a mustering of the remnants of her courage. She was a talented assertive woman not a mouse for goodness sake.
"Why did you put your finger on my lips after the Winter Showcase performance?" Rachel finally managed to blurt out. It was a bit more hurried than intended and didn't have the tone of mild curiousity she'd been hoping for, more a squeaky breathless one but... she'd done it. Conversational ball planted firmly in Ms July's court and now she could focus on the slight twitch in that smooth cheek and enjoy the sound of Ms July trying to muffle her involuntary gasp. Ha!
Of all the things Cassie had been running through her mind that Rachel might say, that was definitely not one of them. Trust her to cut straight to the chase. Cassie's already racing heart speeded up further but this time fear was the reason. The conversation was teetering on the edge of extremely dangerous territory, she needed to be calm or at least project the semblance of calm. Attack was the best form of defence and she needed to start now, she'd already hesitated a beat too long and could almost feel Rachel's confidence returning. That hint of a smirk playing around those luscious lips was a big clue as well as those pools of brown finally being able to hold her gaze.
"Quite frankly you'd said enough after your first 'being good isn't good enough'. I was just saving myself from having to listen to yet more of your incredibly irritating, somewhat ridiculous, whiny voice," Cassie responded watching Rachel's eyes narrow as she formulated a reply but rather than stop there, it did after all look as if Rachel was going to argue the toss, Cassie decided to push the conversational boundaries a little bit further. Rachel needed to back off, permanently.
"Why?" she leant into Rachel's space and dropped a voice to a husky growl pleased to note all traces of a smirk had disappeared from Rachel's face to be replaced by an expression she couldn't quite discern," Did you think I was going to.." her face was now the same small distance it was from Rachel's that night. Now was the moment for some judicious lip licking ," kiss you?"
The flare of bright red across Rachel's cheeks was instantaneous along with the immediate averting of her eyes and a giveaway swallow. She was practically squirming with discomfort and humiliation. Cassie stepped away from her and her tone was waspish.
"Oh this really is too precious, you seriously thought..." Cassie threw in a snort of derision for good measure and left that thought unfinished. Now would be a good time for her to exit the conversation but her better judgement was overridden by a need to continue the exchange. Her opponent was on the ropes and bleeding but she, in all her wisdom, just couldn't leave it there.
"Your arrogance is breathtaking," she asserted with a humourless laugh," first you accuse me of being jealous of you as if in someway you might have a modicum of talent for me to be jealous of. News flash honey, big voices are a dime a dozen and the big nosed ethnic look has yet to ever be in demand."
Rachel raised her tear filled eyes to meet Cassie's willing her tears not to fall, the woman wasn't telling her anything she hadn't heard a hundred times before and she'd be damned if she'd let her think it was getting to her. Well, maybe it was a bit hence the tears but it wasn't crushing her spirit. She hadn't come this far by listening to the doubters and naysayers. She was the first freshman to ever win the Winter Showcase and that had to count for something.
"Not only that though you then convince yourself that I what, what is it?," Cassie stooped so she had eye contact," Have a crush on you or are madly in love with you?" Rachel flinched slightly at each statement," What fantasy world are you living in, have you looked at yourself in a mirror lately?"
Rachel just glared at her, unsure how to defend herself. She could feel her anger beginning to build. Cassie didn't have to be such a bitch about everything, there were easier ways to send her away with a flea in her ear. She needed to remember this was her dance teacher and she needed to pass this class. Some self-control was needed.
"Well sweetheart let me spell it out for your deluded self in words of one syllable so your small town brain can understand," Cassie had closed the gap between them again and was working hard to ignore the voice in her head telling her to quit while she was ahead. She decided counting off her points on her fingers would be more dramatic. It helped that Rachel winced every time she counted off a finger.
"One, I like a partner who's pleasing on the eye, not one who threatens to take my eye out with their nose if they suddenly turn around quickly," it was a clumsy insult so Cassie was keen to move on.
"Two, I like a woman with all the womanly features," her eyes swept down Rachel's body," not some boyish slip of a thing with pancakes rather than breasts."
Cassie realised focusing too long on those breasts which were decidedly more than pancakes might be her undoing so she hurried her talk along. Her playground insults weren't effective enough, she needed to up her game.
"Three, I want a partner with the sexual maturity to match me in the bedroom. I don't want some virginal novice fumbling and bumbling around with little clue what to do who orgasms at the merest hint of foreplay." A pause to allow a wide eyed Rachel let the insults sink in.
"Four, your whole being screams inexperience and incompetence. You lack any sexual allure, you can't hold a rhythm or follow even the simplest of instructions."
Rachel's gaze had shifted to the floor.
"And Five your deadbeat ex boyfriend, the one with no future, dumping you tells me all I need to know about your inability to sexually satisfy a partner, even one with the lowest possible standards. So in summary" Cassie raked her eyes up and down Rachel, keeping a look of distaste on her face, "I wouldn't even go there if you dosed me up on anti-nausea tablets and paid me a fortune."
Cassie could see the impact of her words immediately in the slumped posture of the girl in front of her. Rachel was fighting a losing battle against the onset of tears - she should have been the one dumping Finn not the other way round.
Cassie had to steel herself against the urge to blurt out an apology, beg for forgiveness and wrap the hurt young woman in her arms. She needed Rachel to lash out verbally at her. It was what she deserved. It would help her move on. The silent tears were killing her, she needed angry recriminations. Where was the feisty in your face girl who always bounced back - oh yeah, she'd just totally crushed her. Maybe an onslaught on looks, dreams and lovability was harder to come back from than just a savaging about poor dancing ability? Cassie couldn't quite bring herself to enact the grand finale of throwing Rachel out of her office but she wasn't sure she could watch the repercussions of her harsh words for much longer.
Rachel tried to gather her thoughts together. It had been a mistake to come but at least now she knew precisely where she stood which had been her intention even if she hadn't anticipated quite how crushing an experience it would be. The idea that Cassie liked her back had just been her stupid immature imagination and her lack of experience had led to her humiliatingly revealing that. She fought a futile battle to halt her tears and then gathered herself together. Her dads had brought her up to have manners and she now needed to make a hasty exit so she could reflect on what she'd learned.
"I'm sorry Ms July," Rachel's voice trembled with the effort of fighting back the urge to lash out but she persevered," for troubling you during your holiday."
Cassie hadn't expected an apology and it just made the urge to throw her arms round Rachel and plead for forgiveness even stronger.
"I'm sorry too if I've said anything that's caused you any embarrassment or awkwardness," Rachel's attempt to convey sincerity was hampered by the need to keep wiping yet more tears from her cheeks. Cassie hadn't thought she could feel worse but Rachel was proving her wrong. Rachel walked towards the door and then turned yet again to face Cassie. This time she made no attempt to staunch the steady flow of tears - sometimes once she'd started crying it was almost impossible to stop.
"Finally I'd like to thank you for your honest, if somewhat brutal, feedback," She managed to muster a tight smile, "Hopefully now we can move forward with mutual respect and clarity about where we stand," Rachel's voice gained confidence as she spoke. She'd wanted to know where she stood and now she knew without the slightest hint of ambiguity. Maybe she hadn't needed quite such detailed feedback on why Ms July found her so unattractive, if not somewhat repulsive, but things were as they were.
The incongruity of the smile and the tears jarred on Cassie. She couldn't quite believe she was being sincerely thanked for her cruelty and she kept waiting for the sting in the tail when there wasn't one. This was her last chance to undo the massive hurt she'd caused. A battle raged in her mind and by the time she managed to call out a strangled " Rachel, wait" it was too little, too late. The office door had already closed behind the retreating somewhat devastated student. Cassie dragged herself round the desk to collapse weakly in her chair as the phrase 'honest if somewhat brutal feedback' played in her head accompanied by images of a tear filled face. Bitch didn't even begin to do justice to her behaviour. Cassie was no stranger to self-loathing but seemed to have now plumbed new depths. She tried to tell herself it was all a necessary evil to ensure Rachel kept her distance from her, maybe even gave up her class - it didn't make her like herself any better.
Rachel hurried back to her shared apartment, the burn in her cheeks gradually fading and slumped on her bed berating herself for her almost obsessive need to clarify things. If she'd only had a modicum of patience she'd have been able to judge for herself over the course of her interactions with Ms July during the next few weeks whether she'd been imagining things - she obviously had. But oh no, she'd decided she couldn't wait and had instead headed into that lions den like some kind of sacrificial lamb. Her preparation had been woeful and her anticipation of likely scenarios had been appallingly amateurish. She should have anticipated Ms July seizing control of the conversation and going on a highly personal attack. Right, she was going to visualise a different outcome to the interaction in order to deal with her currently high levels of humiliation and embarrassment. In reality of course there was no way she could afford to get the wrong side of the only teacher delivering dance 101, not if she was ever going to be considered a triple threat in the future. However somewhere in a parallel universe she could unleash badass Rachel without consequence. So she'd let her imagination off the hook in this far more predictable universe and then it would be time to move on from the quite frankly school girlish fantasies she'd been harbouring. She needed to catch up with her friends, just enjoy being in New York, maybe visit Yale or finally persuade Quinn to visit her here.
Right, that was all for later for now she was going to imagine how in an ideal world she'd have bested Ms July rather than done a very good impersonation of a Cassie July personal punchbag. She blinked away the remnants of tears. So all would have been the same up to the point Ms July had stated never in a million years or whatever the phrase was. Her anger would have suddenly fired her up to the point she was ready to ignore the consequences of her actions. She'd have marched up to Ms July and pushed her firmly in the chest so that she was leant back, supported by her hands, on the desk. The startled dance teacher would have had a mild look of alarm and fear on her face, uncertain of what Rachel would do. Rachel paused, she was a little uncertain herself of what she should do. Play the woman at her own game maybe? Ms July's chest would be rapidly rising and falling and she'd be too busy trying to control her breathing to continue her exposition on all Rachel's failings. Cassandra July alarmed and silent was a bit of a stretch for her imagination but she was up for it. Rachel would step closer so their bodies were almost touching, tension would be thick in the air and then she'd say
"Okay sweetheart," Rachel's tone would drip venom in a manner that made Cassie's previous attempts amateurish in comparison ,"First off," she'd wave a finger dangerously close to Cassie's face causing the woman to flinch, although maybe that particular finger would be a little crass - Rachel was undecided ," the only way I'd be involved with an old washed-up, dried-out, never-was like you would be as a charitable move on my part."
Even though it was in her head she couldn't bring herself to say 'charity fuck' even if it would have been more in character with the role she was portraying. Rachel paused, would she need to expound on why it was a charitable act? She decided against it. She'd only have Cassie silenced in shock for a limited amount of time and besides Cassie was an intelligent woman, she'd be able to expand on the insult herself.
She'd wave another finger threateningly " and secondly," she'd drawl as she skimmed her hand over Cassie's body from thigh upwards to her cheek, barely making contact but causing the woman to shiver and her breathing to become shaky. Maybe run a finger along Cassie's sternum and then raise her chin so their eyes met She'd cup Cassie's cheek and moved in so there was only a hairbreadth's distance between their faces. Cassie's breathing would hitch. She'd watch her swallow nervously as she felt Rachel's breath on her face. Rachel would then move to whisper in Cassie's ear and be pleased to see the involuntary shiver her honeyed tones caused.
"I have no use for Brody's well worn cast offs besides, news flash honey, his feedback was hardly complimentary which is suprising considering just how much practise you've had."
Rachel paused again, was that too obscure a way to intimate that someone was a bit too free with their sexual favours, should she add a 'at spreading your legs'? She could hardly bring herself to even think of the words whore or slut and she was definitely too much of a feminist to use them even in the privacy of her own head.
She'd lean back to look a rather flustered Cassie in the eye and then place a finger on her lips to replicate that moment in the auditorium with roles reversed."I really don't think it's cold enough in here for your nipples to be quite that erect." Did she need to brush said nipple? She'd purr watching a blush work its way up Cassie's cheek. Then she'd finish with a "frankly sweetie," a gentle tap on the cheek as Cassie squirmed under her to try and initiate some contact between them, the sounds of her ragged breathing filling the air," your words say one thing but your body says another."
With that she'd stroll jauntily out of the door, leaving the office door ajar so a flustered, hot, bothered and definitely frustrated Cassie was available for anyone who cared to look in to see.
A couple more run throughs in her head and Ms July wasn't the only one left hot and bothered by the imaginary encounter. Rachel now felt much better about her rather disastrous day. She needed to put the whole sorry incident behind her. Her ridiculous fantasies about Ms July liking her had been well and truly squashed so she could move forward with renewed focus on her Broadway ambitions. She could easily ignore those hurtful remarks, she didn't need to imagine battering Cassie round the face with her alleged 'pancakes' to make herself feel better. The nose jibes and the why she'd never make it speech weren't anything she hadn't heard before. The allusions to her lack of sexual experience and possible ineptitude in the bedroom weren't based on anything other than groundless suppositions designed only to inflict damage. No different really than the 'tranny', 'RuPaul' and 'manhands' remarks she'd endured throughout High school. The only disappointment was that this time the remarks were perpertrated by an adult rather than jealous teenage peers.
Oh and thinking of jealous teenage peers now turned friends, she really needed to contact Quinn and arrange a date for a visit. Rachel quickly dismissed sending yet another e-mail. No, she needed to Skype. After all, if High School had taught her anything it was that Quinn had a great deal of difficulty saying no to her face-to-face. Besides, the fact she'd obviously been crying, which she'd firmly deny, would also play in her favour. Calendar in hand she settled herself in front of her laptop. Quinn Fabray in New York, distractions didn't come much better or much prettier than that.