After Peeta leaves I busy myself with cleaning up my bedroom. Pillows are scattered around the floor and the bed's a complete mess. I think back to last night. I've never had a nightmare that terrifying, including the dark times after my father died.
My hands start to shake again as I think about my dream. Everyone died. Prim, Gale, Peeta, and my mother. Cinna and my prep team. Haymitch and even Effie. They were all executed. By me. I was watching myself murder everyone I know and there was nothing I could do about it.
It was Peeta who pulled me out of it. I don't know how it happened. One second I was watching myself send arrow after arrow through Prim and the next second I could feel Peeta's breath on my face, telling me to wake up.
And I did.
He stayed with me the whole night and my chest tugs annoyingly at the memory. I pause while making my bed. Peeta fell asleep before I did. Once I was sure he was asleep I allowed myself to move closer to him, even though I knew it was a terrible idea. I concentrated on the sound of his breathing and light rain on the roof. It reminded me of our time in the cave during the Hunger Games; the only time I felt relatively safe. I slept incredibly.
I touch the place in the bed where we laid together. It's still warm. I'm sure it still smells like him too. Sugar and vanilla and that strange smell I can't quite pinpoint. I don't smell the bed though, that would be pathetic. Instead I wash my face free of my dried tears and attempt to comb my hair, which has begun to resemble a bird's nest. I debate waiting for my prep team to do it themselves but I know I wouldn't be able to explain how it got that way.
Just as I am about to start attacking my hair I hear a knock on the door.
"Come in," I yell, although my voice comes out as more of a strangled noise. I guess it still hasn't recovered from last night.
"Katniss?"
Prim peaks her head around the side of the bathroom door. She looks at me like I might jump out and attack her, which is understandable after the way I acted last night.
"Hi Little Duck," I say in a false cheerful voice. I might as well start acting now, knowing I'm going to have to do it constantly for the next two months. Practice makes perfect, after all.
"You don't have to pretend with me, you know," Prim answers, her voice steady.
I stop brushing my hair and look at her. On her face is a solemn expression and her eyes are blood-shot, like she's been crying.
"Are you going to talk to me about last night?" she asks.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," I reply, turning my gaze toward the mirror again. That seems to be my answer to everything lately.
Prim stares at me a long time, watching me attempt to pull the knots out of my hair. After a while she walks over to me, takes the brush out of my hands, leads me to the bed and tells me to sit down. I'm confused by her sudden authoritativeness but comply anyway. She sits behind me on the bed and gently starts to brush the knots out of my hair.
"I thought a lot last night about what I've put you through," Prim says sadly.
I start to argue with her but am interrupted.
"Please, let me finish," Prim asks. I nod, causing the brush to snag on one of the knots in my hair, making me wince.
"If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have gone to the Hunger Games. You wouldn't have experienced all this pain. I wish you didn't volunteer for me sometimes. But then I realize that I don't know what would have become of you when I didn't return."
I stare at my hands, unable to stop the tears from trailing down my cheeks.
"I love you for giving me another chance at life, Katniss, because we both know I never would have made it out of the arena. I never said 'thank you'." Prim pauses, collecting herself. "So thank you. So much. I will never be able to repay you," she whispers to me. I can hear the pain in her voice. The tears on my cheeks are now falling steadily onto my lap. I deeply hope Prim doesn't have the same 'debt-owing' trait that I have. It gets complicated when we feel the need to repay those we care about.
"I know that I don't understand a lot about the Capitol and the way it works, so there are a lot of things I can't help you with. But I'm not a little girl, anymore." Prim stops brushing my hair, laying it flat across my back. I turn around to look at her, willing my tears to stop.
"But if there is anything you need to know, it's that I am here for you. You can tell me things and I will listen. I can try to help," she pleads.
I stare into her eyes. Her expression is steady and I realize that during this entire conversation, she never shed a tear. When did Prim become so strong? It's like we've switched roles. I used to be the one brushing her hair. I used to be the one comforting her. It's strange how things turn around.
I don't know what to say so I stare down at my hands. Prim waits for me to speak but gives up after a few moments.
"Peeta loves you. You know that, right?"
I nod, tears starting to prick at the corners of my eyes again and I pray they don't fall. I can still feel his hand, heavy on my cheek, and although I know I shouldn't over-think it, it makes my heart beat a little faster. Prim looks at me, deep in thought.
"And you have to pretend to be in love with him. To keep everyone safe," she states.
I nod again. I've given up trying to understand how and when Prim became so perceptive.
"Why don't you stop pretending?" she asks.
"What do you mean?" I can feel my brow furrow in confusion. Stop pretending and give up the act? And put everyone in danger again?
"Stop pretending and start to actually love him," she states again.
I stare at her, dumbfounded.
Prim, despite the seriousness of the situation, rolls her eyes at me and giggles.
"Just let yourself fall in love with Peeta, Katniss. I don't know why you keep fighting it. It's there. You just hide it so well that I think you've fooled yourself."
I start to bristle. Prim has been on my case about Peeta since day one and I don't love him.
"I'm not in love with Peeta, Prim," I tell her sternly. "Besides, it's better that I don't love him. Everyone I love is put in danger." Why can't anyone understand my dilemma?
Prim looks at me, her face sad. I remember her earlier comment. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have gone to the Hunger Games. You wouldn't have experienced all this pain. I automatically feel guilty and want to take back what I said.
"Katniss, he's already in danger," she tells me softly.
I stare back her, unable to respond. She's right. He is already in danger. And he already loves me. But I don't want to love him. Loving Peeta would make me just another one of Snow's puppets and that thought makes me sick. Everyone I love gets hurt. I can't do that to Peeta. There's no denying that I care about him. Peeta calms me. I feel safe with him. But I don't love him. I can't.
"I'll think about it Prim," I tell her. I know it's the only way to get her off my back for the time being.
Prim sighs and rolls her eyes at me again. I tug her braid and she swats my hand away. Back to normal, I think to myself.
According to my prep team, I am a disaster. Apparently the mere weeks we spent apart did a number on my hair, nails and skin so Flavius, Venia and Octavia need to work overtime to get me back to 'beauty base zero'. While they chatter around me, plucking, waxing, snipping and buffing away all of my imperfections, I have time to let my thoughts wander. I think about my conversation with Gale at his house in the Seam before my midnight meltdown.
I had run over there directly after Snow left and knocked incessantly on Gale's door until he opened it. At first he looked thrilled to see me. Maybe he thought I had changed my mind and wanted to declare my love for him after all. But then he saw the look on my face and he hurriedly pulled me into his house.
I told him everything. Everything that didn't involved Peeta, at least. I told him to not hunt again, explaining the gravity of the situation. Usually he would have been stubborn about it, but I believe my general state of absolute panic convinced him otherwise. I told him to be careful of hidden cameras or recording devices. But I also asked something of him. Something that I might regret: I told him to try and collect the materials needed for me to make my own bow and set of arrows. I told him he should do the same. For protection only. I just don't feel safe without them and knowing I won't be able to retrieve my originals, I needed to ask Gale this favor. I can't help but think it might have been a bad idea.
Octavia orders me to turn around and I do as I am told. It's like I'm their doll, I think.
I wonder what Peeta is doing now. He never takes as long as I do to get ready. He's probably on the train right now, waiting for me. I wonder if he said goodbye to his family. I frown, remembering our conversation this morning. How can his family treat Peeta the way they do? Peeta is one of the only inherently good people I know. The thought of someone treating him poorly makes me furious.
"Perfect. You can call Cinna now," I hear Venia tell Flavius and I am brought out of my daydreaming.
I'm still in the bathroom at my house. I think the Capitol made my bathroom enormous for the sole reason of housing an entire prep team comfortably. I look at my reflection in the mirror. I still look like myself, only...more attractive. Beauty base zero, I remember.
The door to the bathroom opens and Cinna walks in, wearing his signature black suit and gold eyeliner. I smile. I almost forgot that I actually like him. He's not a typical Capitol citizen—despite the fact that he works for the Hunger Games, he understands it's more than just a television program.
"Katniss," he says and pulls me into a quick hug. "I'm so happy to see you again. However I'm sure you wish it wasn't so soon," he says meaningfully. He motions for me to turn around in a circle.
"You look marvelous by the way."
I grimace.
"Yeah, well apparently you should have seen me before Venia, Octavia and Flavius did their magic," I tell him, a hint of edge to my voice. My body still hurts from their primping.
Cinna just smiles and leads me to my bedroom. He opens a small bag and takes out a pair of black pants and a simple white t-shirt.
"I want you to be comfortable so you'll find clothing similar to this in your compartment on the train. Wear them during your down time. I've prepared some things for your district tours and interviews as well as your time in the Capitol."
"Thank you," I tell him, relieved he remembered how I prefer comfort to style.
"I hate to cut our little meeting short but it's time to board the train. Effie is waiting until you to arrive before she explains the Tour in more detail."
I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat. I don't want to go back to the Capitol. I don't want to convince Snow of my love for Peeta. I don't want to relive the Games.
Cinna smiles and places a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"It's just the Victory Tour, this time," he says softly. If only he knew, I think.
I say my goodbyes to Prim and mother quickly and surprisingly there are no more tears for today. I remember that the Victory Tour is meant to be happy, exciting and fun. I will be able to see the country. To do and experience things I would never be able to do. But at what cost?
There are no Capitol photographers outside my house in the Victor's Village, or even at the train station; they are waiting for us in District 11. I'm happy that I get to delay that part of the experience because I can't say I'm ready to be assaulted by flashbulbs and video cameras yet.
I board the train and follow Cinna as he heads directly to the dining compartment. Once I arrive, Effie, who is wearing a lime-green pantsuit covered in tiny jewels, assaults me. Her hair is bright orange and arranged on the top of her head quite precariously. Her face has been tanned considerably since I saw her last and she is wearing green lenses in her eyes to match her outfit.
"Katniss, darling! I've missed you so much. You look spectacular, of course. Your signature style- what is it again, Cinna? Zero beauty or something? Never mind, sit and we can get started!"
Effie is talking a mile a minute and it's hard to understand her through her Capitol accent, which seems to have become even thicker since the last time I saw her. Maybe she feels more entitled now that she is the mentor to a winning district. Nevertheless, I try to be as polite as I can.
"It's nice to see you too, Effie," I say, a smile plastered on my face. The more I look at her, the more ridiculous she seems. I try to suppress my laugh.
I turn my attention to the table. I am the last to arrive and everyone is already seated. The first person I notice is Peeta, who is wearing an outfit quite similar to my own, only his shirt is black and his pants are tan. He grins at me and I try to smile back. His hair has been trimmed back to the length it was during the Games. Other than that, he doesn't seem different at all. This, at least, makes me happy. I don't want the Capitol changing him more than they already have. I note that he looks well rested too. I feel my cheeks heat up, remembering our last encounter.
Quickly, avoiding his eyes, I take my seat next to Peeta. I glance at Haymitch, who looks quite drunk. I don't blame him this time. Technically our lives aren't in the balance and I know he must need some sort of alcohol-lubrication to tolerate Effie.
"You don't look like you were tortured by your prep team this morning," I tell Peeta.
"That's because my prep team actually likes me," he jokes. I roll my eyes and look at Cinna. Maybe if I'm nicer to them they won't put me through all the waxing and plucking. Cinna just winks at me.
"Aren't you two lovebirds just the absolute cutest!" Effie squeals. I look up at Effie and put on my Capitol smile. She smiles brightly back at me, her teeth are almost blindingly white.
"The Capitol is dying to see you two again! You have been the talk of the town for weeks! Peeta, darling, I forgot to tell you when you came in before: your posters have been selling like crazy! Those Capitol women can't seem to get enough of you!"
My stomach drops to my feet and I can feel my face drain of color. I clench my fists and glare at the silverware on the table, remembering my conversation with Snow. He could very well become the next Finnick Odair. I look up to see Peeta grinning broadly at me, eyebrow quirked.
"Jealous?" he mouths.
I scowl and flick his ear. He winces, and then looks up at me, a mock-wounded expression on his face.
I hear Effie giggle and I look up at her.
"Don't, worry Katniss, they all know he's taken. That's probably the reason those posters are selling so well. Anyway, let's get started, shall we? First of all, I must say I'm so excited to go on this Tour with you. Remember it's my first time on the Victory Tour as well!" Effie gushes.
I forgot that this is new to Effie too. I guess she does have a reason to be excited. I wonder if her new look is for the Tour.
"We will spend approximately three days in each district, addressing the people, giving interviews, going on tours and such. You will have to make a speech in front of all the districts, by the way."
I blanche and look over at Peeta.
"Don't worry, I'll do it," he smiles at me and takes my hand under the table. His hand is soft and warm and I'm surprised that I don't want to pull away. Meanwhile, Effie continues to talk.
"Then you will spend about a week in the Capitol, going to events, doing interviews (with Caesar of course). The whole tour will end in a fabulous party and then we will come back to District 12. It's going to be amazing. We start with the less exciting districts so tomorrow we will be in District 11."
Usually the Victory Tour starts in District 12. I take no offense that 12 is considered the 'least exciting' by Capitol standards.
I stiffen when I realize District 11 is Rue's and I start to feel my hands shake. Peeta squeezes the one he is holding, a sign that he's still here. I hold onto it for dear life.
I peek back up at him and see him regarding me curiously. Last night was a massive turning point. From the looks of it, he can't pretend it didn't happen. I don't think I can either.
Does he think I'll break down again? I honestly don't know, especially when it comes to District 11. Can I face Rue's family after failing her? After watching her die in my arms? I feel my eyes start to itch. Peeta puts his other hand on my chin and turns me so I'm facing him. His blue eyes are penetrating.
"I will help you. You will be fine," he whispers. I want him to take his hand away but it just reminds me of last night. His hand is warm and soft and I believe him. Because that's what we do. Help each other.
Not three weeks ago Peeta and I were barely able to hold a conversation. Now I seem to be completely reliant on him to hold myself together. When did I become so weak?
I nod my head and quickly turn my attention back to Effie, afraid she will question our small exchange. Luckily she remains oblivious, still rattling off about the Victory Tour. She talks for about 10 more minutes but I'm not listening. My mind is with Rue in the field where she died.
Finally dinner is brought out. I'm ravenous and inhale everything on my plate, not caring what Effie thinks of my table manners.
After the dishes are taken away, Effie stands up.
"Lovely. You two need some sleep if you're going to be in perfect form for tomorrow. To bed, everyone!"
I try to remember when Effie developed the "Queen of the World" attitude she now possesses. I see Haymitch roll his eyes and Cinna smirk at Portia. They seem to be aware of this mood change as well, but tolerate it with much more dignity than I would.
Effie saunters out of the room, probably to her own compartment to look at herself in the mirror or spend hours planning her outfit for tomorrow. Cinna and Portia leave soon after, but not before telling Peeta and me that they will be at our rooms at 8 am sharp to prepare for our District 11 address.
Haymitch, unsteady in his drunken state, wobbles to the door but turns around just as he is about to leave.
"See you two tomorrow," he slurs. "You know what you gotta do." He looks pointedly at me and I nod.
I start to stand and realize I've been holding Peeta's hand through all of dinner. I look at him and see he's staring out the window, lost in his own thoughts. I let go of his hand and, suddenly, as if remembering where he is, he looks back at me with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
"This is going to be fun," he deadpans.
"Yes but only if I can get my hands on one of Effie's suits."
"I want one too, then," Peeta laughs.
I smile slightly, happy I am able to cheer him up somewhat. Sometimes I forget that Peeta has demons of his own. We aren't too different, are we?
"Listen," he pauses, searching for the right words. "About tomorrow…"
I look at him, relieved, thinking he was going to bring up last night.
"I know we agreed to be friends. And friends don't kiss and cuddle in front of the cameras, but it needs to happen, doesn't it?" He looks worried and his eyes are large, searching mine for confirmation.
"Yes, I know." I'm dreading tomorrow. I think over how I'm supposed to be madly in love with Peeta. I'm a terrible actress and apparently the people who matter know it.
"Ok," he says softly, almost as if he's relieved I agree with him.
"Just try not to fall too hard for me, got it?" he says with a glint in his eye. I know he's joking but his words hit me with a force I wasn't suspecting. I watch him close the door to the dining compartment with wide-eyes, remembering what Prim said to me earlier today.
The next morning passes in a blur. I didn't sleep last night, afraid my nightmares would wake up the whole train, so I'm sipping the coffee Octavia shoved at me waiting for Peeta to join me in the dining compartment.
I look out the window at District 11, wondering what lies beyond the train station. District 11 is in charge of agriculture and Rue said she worked in the fields so I know they must surround us. I just wish I could see them. I want to see the real District 11, not whatever false version the Capitol wants to show us.
I turn when I hear Peeta coming. The metal clink of his prosthetic leg is an easy way of telling his footsteps apart from others. He opens the door, greets me and sits down, helping himself to breakfast. He is wearing a loose-fitting white button-up shirt and khaki pants. His hair is combed back and held in place with a soft gel. He looks...good.
"Good morning," Peeta says. His eyes travel down my body before they rest on my own. "You look beautiful," he says before he tears his eyes away from mine, a blush creeping across his cheeks. He turns his attention back to his breakfast.
"Thank you," I reply.
I do look beautiful, thanks to Cinna and my prep team of course. I'm wearing a beige dress. The bodice is fitted and made to resemble woven stalks of grain. My hair is pulled back into a loose bun with thin braids holding it in place. Cinna, as promised, didn't put me in a lot of makeup, thank god, simply focusing on making my cheeks rosy and eyes pronounced.
I continue to sip my coffee and look out the window, thinking about Rue and mockingjays. I hate coffee.
"Have this," Peeta says, bringing my attention back to the table. He is holding a piece of bread with a caramel colored substance spread over the top.
I smile and take the peanut butter sandwich from him.
"I didn't know they would have this," I say happily.
"I told them you liked it," Peeta replies. I look up at him, and smile. This is by far my new favorite food. I like it even more than the Capitol's lamb stew. I grab the bread and take a giant bite, successfully making a mess of myself.
"Thank you, Peeta," I say through my chewing. He gives me a giant smile and points to my nose. I hastily wipe the peanut butter off my face before Effie can come and scold me- I hear her heeled shoes clicking down the hallway.
"Today is going to be a big, big, big day! Are you both ready? How exciting!"
I look at Peeta and he rolls his eyes. It's very uncharacteristic of him...I like it. Luckily he is facing away from her so she can't see him do it.
"Both of you follow me," she orders. I decide I hate this new controlling Effie much more than I hated the old one.
I shove the last bit of peanut butter into my mouth and get up from my seat.
"Katniss," Effie gasps. "Ladies do not eat that way, goodness! Peeta, I don't know how you deal with it. Manners." she complains as she makes her way down the hall.
I look up at Peeta and he just stares straight ahead, a hint of a smile playing at his lips.
We follow Effie out of the dining compartment and through the hallway. I see Haymitch waiting by the door looking worse for wear. He is sipping something but I'm not sure if it's alcohol or some remedy to cure his hangover. He nods at Peeta and me, not bothering to speak.
Peeta grabs my hand as we approach the door that opens to the station. I glance at him and give him what I hope is a reassuring smile. This will be fine, I think. Effie smiles gloriously at us before she exits the train. I can see the blinding lights of the cameras set up outside the train as they go off. They want to capture the star-crossed lovers as they first descend the steps into District 11, the first stop on the Victory Tour. Effie told us that every part of our Tour will be documented and every few days a recap will be given to the people of the Capitol. According to her, a 'magnificent' montage will play at the closing party the Capitol will throw us.
I hear Effie make a small speech introducing us before the doors to the train are thrown open and Haymitch nudges us out the door.
Instinctually I hold Peeta tighter and he brings me closer to his side. The cameras take a few seconds to get used to. I see a dozen or so Capitol reporters set up outside the station, all of who are shouting at Peeta and me.
"Katniss! This way Katniss!"
"Peeta! Look over here!"
I put on my Capitol smile and start waving with my free hand. The other is gripping Peeta's tightly.
"Kiss her, Peeta!"
"Why are you holding back, lovebirds! Give us a kiss!"
The demands don't seem like they are going to stop so I look at Peeta. He is still waving to the cameras, a glorious smile gracing his face. He's so much better at this than I am, I think.
"Kiss her Peeta!"
Hearing the Capitol photographers' incessant requests, he turns to me, letting go of my hand. We stare at each other briefly in a silent agreement. For the cameras.
Slowly, he brings his hands up to my face, placing one on my neck, the other on my cheek. I concentrate on his eyes as the world outside disappears.
Peeta's smile fades as he pulls me closer to him. He glances quickly at my mouth and licks his lips. I've stopped breathing altogether. I've kissed Peeta a hundred times, why is this any different? I can hear Prim nagging me in the back of my mind and hastily push her away.
I can't take my eyes away from his. He is holding me in this moment and time has stopped altogether. Peeta lowers his face to mine, and my eyes flutter closed.
His lips are soft, warm, and gone before I have time to fully register that they were there to begin with. My eyes fly open, my hands still around Peeta's neck. I hear a few photographers chuckle, probably at me.
We are still being photographed so Peeta smiles and plants a quick kiss on my nose.
Flustered, I turn back to the cameras and give the photographers another Capitol-worthy smile despite my newfound bewilderment. I'm completely dazed, staring off into space and waving my hand like a robot, so when Peeta whispers in my ear I'm startled.
"Wake up, sweetheart."
He's smiling at me with his eyebrows raised in question. My Capitol-smile falters for only a moment when I look at him. I hear Effie clicking towards us and I give the photographers one last wave before she escorts us to a car that will take us to the square where we will greet District 11 formally.
Peeta holds the door open for me and I clamber into the car, unable to focus on the task at hand. Snap out of it! I yell inwardly.
Peeta climbs in after me, drapes his arm around my shoulders and grabs hold of my hand again. He's warm. The door closes behind us and the noise from the station dies down. Effie chatters the entire ride into town but the only thing I can focus on is the feel of Peeta's arms around me. I rip my gaze away from our entwined hands, refusing to acknowledge that any of this is happening, and instead focus on the scenery of District 11.
It is warmer than District 12. While the leaves were just starting to turn up north, down here they are still green and the trees still full. Through them I can see what must be miles upon miles of fields where I know they must harvest the food that is transported to all of Panem. I note that District 11 is a lot more open than 12 is. While I need to escape into the woods to experience nature, it's all around us in District 11. It's beautiful. I wonder if the other districts are like this.
"I'll do the speech, Katniss. I know District 11 will difficult for you." Peeta whispers to me.
For a blessed moment I had forgotten my connection to this district. My hands start to shake and I can feel the corners of my eyes begin to prick again, unable to escape from my memories of Rue.
Peeta squeezes my hand tighter and holds my gaze.
"I'm here, remember?" he whispers. I nod, pushing my thoughts of Rue to the back of my mind.
For the rest of the ride I concentrate on building up my emotional wall that was so expertly shattered by Peeta's kiss. I can feel myself becoming more distant and disconnected. Just get through today, I tell myself.
We arrive at District 11's justice building, which looks much like the Justice Building in 12: large, concrete and grey. We are ushered through the large doors and down a long hall. I stare at my feet and look up only when Effie leaves the building to make another speech, this time in front of the people of District 11.
"And now, the moment you've been waiting for. Your very own Victors from the 74th annual Hunger Games: Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark."
The doors are thrown open again and we walk, hand in hand, to the podium, where we wave to the crowd, shake hands with the Mayor and then take a seat next to Effie.
The Mayor of District 11 is tall with dark hair and dark eyes. His speech is very much like Mayor Undersee's whenever the Victory Tour comes to District 12. There is no flowery language or grand gestures, we are too aware of the atrocities the Hunger Games bring to openly celebrate them like some of the other districts.
After a few moments, I can detect a small edge to the Mayor's voice. My years of hunting has made me perceptible to changes in tone and body language. The Mayor's speech is laced with a strange undercurrent and I can feel the people of District 11 responding.
I look out at the crowd and see a few men and women discretely taping three fingers of their right hand to their right leg. Strange.
I don't have time to observe this further because it's our turn to talk. Peeta and I walk toward the podium and I stare out into the sea of faces that surround us. I look around for Rue's family, trying to remember what she said they look like, but I can't find them.
"Thank you, District 11, for inviting Katniss and myself to your home. As you may already know, our fellow tributes from District 11 hold a very special place in our hearts."
I'm gripping Peeta's hand so tightly I know it must be painful but he pays it no notice as he continues to speak.
"Rue was very special to Katniss." Peeta pauses, squeezing my hand. There's nothing else he can say about her. Everyone watched us during the Games. They saw me break down after she died. They saw me send an arrow through the neck of the boy that killed her.
"I didn't know Thresh well. During our time in the training center, the Careers approached him looking to ally. Thresh refused. I respect him greatly for that."
I look up at Peeta, whose facial expression has become unreadable.
"The two tributes from District 11 saved our lives in many ways, as well. Their compassion didn't go unnoticed and I'm proud to have met both of them. Thank you, District 11, for providing Panem with such amazing children."
I tug on Peeta's hand and he looks down at me, alarmed.
"I want to say something," I tell him softly. He looks concerned but steps out of the way. I take a step forward and clear my throat. The sound reverberates throughout the square. I don't look into the faces of the crowd, scared that I might see Rue in all of them. Instead I look beyond the fields to the horizon.
"Thank you, District 11, for the bread."
I'm surprised to find my voice is much steadier than I anticipated. I hear a faint four-note tune from the back of the crowd and slowly, it starts to fill the square. I have nothing else to say because Peeta did it all so beautifully. I step back, clutching Peeta's hand tightly.
I look back at the horizon and focus on the way the wind pushes and pulls the stalks of grain in the wheat fields. The sounds of the Rue's four-note tune fills my ears and I can almost imagine her here with me until a single gunshot interrupts the melody.
I look around wildly to see where it came from but Peeta and I are being pulled away by two very menacing looking Peacekeepers. Peeta brings me to his side tightly, not letting me go even when we are behind the doors of the District 11 Justice Building.
I hear more gunshots outside followed by gut-wrenching screams. Terrified, I look up at Peeta, who looks equally alarmed. I glance nervously around the Justice Building. I can't find Effie.
Before I can start to panic, the Peacekeepers usher us to a different room, deeper inside the Justice Building, and I'm relieved to see Haymitch and Effie are already here. Both of them start to speak at the same time.
"Katniss! Peeta! Thank goodness! I was absolutely terrified. What in God's name is happening out there?" Effie nearly screams.
"What the hell do you two think you're doing?" Haymitch yells angrily.
Effie looks at Haymitch, alarmed.
"Listen up, sweet cheeks, that was nothing out there. District 11 is pretty rowdy. Just precautions."
Effie seems relieved but glares at Haymitch when she can't find an appropriate retort. She walks to the far side of the room, searches in her handbag and pulls out a small mirror before she busies herself with fixing her makeup.
"Meet me outside the train once we get back." Haymitch whispers to us once Effie is successfully distracted.
The car ride back to the train is quiet. Peeta holds me tightly and I sink into his embrace a little too willingly. Once we reach the train, Peeta and I tell Effie we need some air and walk a few yards down the tracks to wait for Haymitch.
Once he arrives Haymitch leads us even farther down, away from the prying eyes of the Peacekeepers guarding the train doors.
"What the hell was that? Are you trying to get yourself killed?" Haymitch bellows. It's a good thing the train engine is loud or else we would be overheard.
"What do you mean? We're supposed to make a speech, what did we do wrong?" Peeta asks, both worried and annoyed by Haymitch's tone.
"Do you honestly think the Capitol needs more reason to fire down on these people? They already had to squash two uprisings in District 11 since the last Games ended."
My stomach turns to lead. I had completely forgotten about the uprisings. I was so distracted with Peeta and Prim and Rue that the thought of spurring another uprising never occurred to me.
Peeta and I speak at the same time.
"How were we supposed to know if no one told us?" Peeta retorts.
"How did you find out about the uprisings?" I ask Haymitch quietly.
Haymitch looks at me suspiciously.
"My buddy Chaff is from District 11. Told me just now or else I would have warned you." Haymitch studies me for a few seconds. "You knew?"
I nod my head slowly, remembering Snow's threat. The Capitol has been doing everything they can to…suppress…these riots.
"You knew about this? And you didn't tell me?" Peeta asks me incredulously.
I stare at him and nod. I was supposed to tell him. Snow basically ordered me to tell him.
"Snow told me when he came to visit," I say quietly, regret eating at my insides.
Various emotions cross Peeta's face: fear, hurt, then anger.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he murmurs.
"I forgot. With everything that happened, I forgot to." I tell him quietly. I have no other excuse.
Peeta drops my hand and backs away from me. I didn't even realize he was holding it.
"You forgot. You forgot to tell me about the uprisings in District 11. Even after I told you I was going to form a speech?"
I'm unable to form words so I just stare at him, panic rising in my chest.
"Did you not think it was important for me to know?" he asks harshly.
I shake my head. "There was so much going on, I thought you'd be smart enough! Besides, I messed up too! I caused that out there too!" I just forgot, Peeta, I swear.
"Damn it, Katniss," he shouts. I'm surprised by his outburst. He's kept himself together so well these past few days that seeing him lose control is strange and alarming.
"It doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that you're keeping things from me! When were you planning to tell me, huh?"
I honestly don't know. There are a lot of things I discussed with Snow that I didn't plan on telling Peeta. I'm ashamed at my stupidity.
I open my mouth, searching for words.
"You weren't going to tell me." He states.
I shake my head, frantically. I would have if I had realized! I just forgot!
"I can't believe you." Peeta whispers. "This is so much bigger than you and me. Do you realize how much danger I put everyone in? I killed those people, Katniss!" Once the realization hits him, his face looses color. "If only I knew." His voice is pained as he turns away from me. I feel sick, desperately searching my mind for the correct way to handle this situation. But I'm not the one who's good with words. I look to Haymitch for help but he just watches Peeta warily.
After a few seconds Peeta turns around, his eyes steely and cold.
"You can be so selfish sometimes, you know that? I'm a part of this, too. I was in The Hunger Games, too. I have to go on this Victory Tour. I have to play the game. How can I play if I don't know the rules?"
I'm speechless. Peeta has never talked to me this way before. Usually I'm quite skilled at retorts but I didn't see this coming. The difference here is that I deserve everything he is throwing at me. I forgot to realize Peeta is a part of this, too. It's exactly what happened on our way home from the Games. Me, unable to explain my selfish, idiotic behavior, and Peeta, coming to terms with it.
"Peeta—"
"No, Katniss. You really don't understand. We're a team now. Whether you like it or not, we are a team. You can't keep information like this to yourself. You can't fight this battle alone and neither can I!" Peeta is shouting now.
He has been fighting this battle alone, hasn't he? At least I have Prim and my mother. His family is nonexistent. Peeta, despite his own problems, is even there to comfort and help me while I don't even try to return the favor.
"Peeta, listen to me!" I whisper frantically, afraid someone might hear us. Afraid he'll shut me out because I deserve it.
The anger disappears from his face and looks at me, heartbroken. This expression worries me more than his anger. I'm disgusted with myself.
I take a step toward him but he turns around and starts to walk back toward the train.
"Wait, Peeta," I plead, my voice breaking on the last syllable. I'm sorry. Don't leave me.
Peeta stops and looks back at me, his eyes even sadder than before.
"I need to think this over," he tells me, so quietly that I need to strain myself to hear him over the roar of the train engine.
Think what over? I want to ask. This information? The Tour? The act? Me?
"Let me help you," I plead. Let me help you like you've helped me.
"Not now," he replies.
I watch him walk away, back to the train, and wonder how I managed to ruin everything.