Cassandra sat at her desk flicking a pen between her fingers and letting the rhythmic tapping fill the space. She knew what she wanted to do but she wasn't completely sure of her motives, or rather was finding it quite hard to get her head round the fact she would be acting out of concern for the welfare of one of her students. She sighed. The last two weeks had been a roller coaster ride with her thoughts and emotions veering all over the place. She'd managed to put behind her the harsh words she'd said to Rachel - well, not quite put behind her then but repeated them in her head often enough to have become immune to their savagery. Cassie knew if that had been said to her when she was nineteen she'd have crawled back to her parents and changed her career. In the gap between the unplanned conversation with Rachel and the start of the second semester she'd vacillated between dread that Rachel would just quit her dance class, if not NYADA, and fear that the girl would just bounce back into her classes unaffected by anything that had passed between them. After all Rachel did have a phenomenal ability to just brush off withering criticism and turn up quivering with enthusiasm and eager to learn despite whatever Cassie threw her way. She still had flashbacks to a tear sodden Rachel thanking her for her candid feedback – then her belief in Rachel's ability to bounce back would waver. Cassie's anticipation levels before that first lesson had been through the roof, fear and trepidation proving a potent mix. She wouldn't have been able to verbalise what she wanted to happen, she told herself she just wanted Rachel to be less intense so she could begin to not notice or care about her - although really some reassurance that she hadn't in fact broken the girl was more what her more guilty self was after.
The lesson had finally arrived and a nervous but hiding it well Cassie hardly recognised the subdued version of Rachel who slunk into her room barely on time and kept her eyes averted from Cassie. Her clothing was less revealing but still practical, her hair back in a functional ponytail and her make-up minimal. She did exactly whatever was asked without any hint of any emotion. She didn't acknowledge any of the other students or Cassie for the entire class. Cassie had been simultaneously relieved and worried. The lesson had gone better as well as worse than she expected. She focussed on the positives, Rachel hadn't left Nyada, hadn't put in a complaint about her and had obviously received Cassie's message loud and clear. That had been what she wanted to achieve so she should be at least satisfied even if she couldn't manage pleased.
By the third lesson of a ghostlike Rachel in her lesson Cassie could no longer persuade herself that this had been the outcome she wanted. She was beginning to worry that she'd permanently psychologically scarred the girl. This timid mouse of a student showed no discernible reaction to the criticism of others around her and was blank faced for the entirety of each lesson. So Cassie bided her time, decided a change of tactics was in order and waited for the right opportunity to berate Rachel directly. In truth Cassie felt as if she was being ignored or was in some way no longer of any consequence and she loathed that feeling with a vengeance. She was used to evoking intense dislike in the first year students that would eventually move into grudging respect and then finally an appreciation for her methods by the final year. Indifference was not an option or at least hadn't been before now.
By lesson six in the second week Cassie decided enough was enough and that her only objective for the lesson was to provoke a response from the dancing zombie she had had a hand in creating. She wanted to see a flash of defiance in those brown eyes, the tell tale flick of the hair indicating disagreement with something Cassie had said. So she created a criticism where there wasn't one, calling Rachel out on her timing. Rachel stood with a relaxed posture facing Cassie but her eyes didn't meet her teachers. Instead she looked slightly to the right or left of Cassie's face whilst maintaining an expressionless mask. Cassie cycled through her usual collection of insults, the clueless small town girl, the impact on her aerodynamics of having such a large nose and the standard 'no co-ordination, no talent and no hope' jibes. Rachel didn't even blink; she just stood impassively in front of Cassie without the slightest hint of tension in her posture. Cassie was torn between the urge to slap or kiss her – either would get ta reaction that she now found herself beginning to crave. She had to settle instead for thumping the floor loudly with her stick as she walked away from the danger zone. Rachel even had the pwer to infuriate her by doing nothing.
Cassie toyed briefly with the idea of asking her fellow staff if they'd noticed a change in Rachel's general demeanour and attitude. She stopped herself when she realised just how out of character her showing a hint of concern for one of her students would be. Fortunately she overheard Brody making some remark about intending to win the unofficial Callbacks competition later that Friday evening by duetting with Rachel. It didn't take her long to decide she'd make a low key visit to the popular students bar just so she could observe Rachel interacting with her friends and hence decide whether further intervention, counselling maybe, was needed. She could worry about how to make that happen later once she'd ascertained the nature of the problem. It was the best plan Cassie could come up with now that guilt and concern were gnawing away at her. If only she'd reined in her big mouth rather than lashing out at a young inexperienced girl guilty only of correctly interpreting Cassie's behaviour - a wave of shame crashed over her again. Sometimes she wished she'd just kissed Rachel outside the auditorium, consequences to her employment be damned.
Rachel tried to contain her excitement, after all she was no longer a giddy schoolgirl but a Winter Showcase winning NYADA undergraduate with poise and patience. Her carefully controlled restraint and poise lasted no longer than a glimpse of blond hair and Rachel found herself running across the station's concourse and crushing Quinn in an excited and enthusiastic hug. The last two weeks had been difficult for Rachel if not exhausting. She hadn't realised how tiring it would be to tone down her natural exuberance, to swallow the need to always answer back and to keep her emotions off her face even if it was just for Ms July's lessons. To all intents and purposes she'd tried to make herself blend into the crowd and avoid being noticed and hence not present herself as a target for the vitriolic teacher. It had, for the best part, been a successful strategy as Cassie had hardly picked on her at all. The only problem was Rachel didn't think she could keep this act up for the entire semester. She was now giddy with excitement and bursting with excess energy that needed expressing hence her currently holding Quinn in a bone-crushing hug. Fortunately Quinn was hugging her back with equal vigour. Quinn then spun Rachel round causing Rachel to squeal with delight, which quickly morphed into laughter.
"Please to see me by any chance?" deadpanned Quinn as Rachel impulsively hugged her again.
"Well to be honest I was just looking for an excuse to skip a lecture on 'the role of effective stage management in Broadway's biggest hits'. I'm sooooo grateful you gave it to me." Rachel's grin was infectious as she hugged Quinn again.
"My God, who'd have thought it, Rachel Barbra Berry, aspiring Broadway star, McKinley High's most perfect student ever, has learnt to skip lessons." Quinn clutched her heart, pulled a face to indicate excessive shock and staggered about as if she were about to collapse.
"I can see the Yale drama department are going to have their work cut out trying to train that over acting tendency out of you," replied Rachel to a delightful chuckle from Quinn.
"You look fabulous Rachel, New York obviously agrees with you," said Quinn as she took in the new more sophisticated looking and attractive Rachel in front of her.
"It's called living the dream," responded Rachel as a hint of a blush appeared on her face at Quinn's appraisal of her," Not looking too bad yourself, Fabray."
"From being the prettiest girl you'd ever seen to not looking too bad, well I s'pose it had to happen," teased Quinn. She noticed a momentary flash of something cross Rachel's face before she found herself engulfed in yet another hug.
"Quinn you look as stunning as always, in fact I think I'd forgotten quite how pleasing on the eye you are," Rachel told her grabbing hold of Quinn's bag and then taking hold of her hand to pull her towards the subway. "Now come along, there's no time to waste."
"Let me guess, you've a packed itinerary planned for us," Quinn suggested as she allowed Rachel to lead her along, enjoying the feel of Rachel's hand holding hers.
"Of course, it's the only way to fit everything in. There's just so much I want to share with you. Tonight a group of us are going to Callbacks just to give you a little taster of the NYADA experience so I hope you're ready to sing in front of an audience," enthused Rachel, " and before then I want to hear all about Yale and what you've been up to."
"Fine, provided I'm singing a duet with you," laughed Quinn," but you'll need to tell me all about NYADA. Knowing you I expect it's been far more interesting than any of my experiences."
Rachel had turned so their eyes met and again there was a brief look of,,,(Quinn settled for pain) before Rachel moved into beaming mode.
"Nothing much to tell really, dance, sing, sing a bit more and act," Rachel offered.
"Umm never mind your morning routine what happens once you actually get to College?" joked Quinn. Rachel's laughter was her reward, unguarded, loud and reverberating around the platform. How she loved that sound.
"Changed your major to comedy?" asked Rachel, eyes sparkling with amusement. Quinn's reply was cut off by the arrival of the train. She settled instead for smiling at Rachel, she'd forgotten how much being in Rachel's company uplifted her. Her enthusiasm for life was just contagious. Quinn mentally scolded herself for resisting the urge to visit sooner; she already knew this weekend was going to be unforgettable.
Cassie decided to dress down, jeans and an oversized shirt fitted the bill, and to time her arrival at Callbacks so the crowd was large enough for to disappear in but small enough for her to gain a seat in an out of the way location. It all worked swimmingly so here she was nursing an orange juice and soda in a darkened corner that gave her a view across the entire venue. She briefly toyed with putting up the hoodie but rapidly decided against it, there was no reason for her to be looking like an extra from the Hobbit. Cassie scoured the room looking for any sign of Rachel. She just needed to know that Rachel was supported by good friends and was recovering from the encounter with her, and then she could leave. Some sign she was gradually returning to the focussed dare-you-not-to-notice-me self of the last semester rather than the lifeless, joyless shadow of herself that she had become. Cassie's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of raucous gleeful laughter and she automatically searched for the source. As soon as her eyes alighted on a highly amused, shaking with laughter Rachel her heart stopped. The room faded away as just the sight of a radiant Rachel, positively glowing with happiness, filled her vision.
Cassie snapped her mouth shut and desperately sucked air into her lungs. The distinctive loud laughter was Rachel's and of course she hadn't recognised it, there had never been any cause for Rachel to smile let alone laugh in her lessons. The only memory of an amused Rachel was that inelegant snort after she'd called her a platypus. She was watching an exuberant Rachel interacting with a group of NYADA students and realised slowly that the bland emotionless Rachel she had wasted so much of her own time worrying about probably existed solely for her lessons. She resisted the impulse to march over to the group and drag Rachel outside to demand answers and some kind of explanation for making her worry so much. Or rather just to kiss the irritating girl senseless with relief because she hadn't broken her and besides, Rachel was looking stunning under the slightly subdued lighting. Instead Cassie opted for a long sip of her drink to steady herself and to allow her racing pulse to calm down. She'd found out what she needed to know, she could go home now. She idly inspected Rachel's friends, her incredibly camp flat mate, muffin top, brainless Brody, six-pack Stefan (somebody from her last year's class0 and a rather beautiful, at least from this distance, blond girl she'd never seen before.
Another sip as she watched the group for the dynamics. Rachel was relating some story that had the others hanging on her every word and then laughing as she hit the punchline and pulled an adorably bewildered expression before beaming at them all and basking in the glow of their approval. Brody made a remark that had muffin top over amused and pawing at his arm. Cassie internally did a fist pump, at least Rachel and Brody looked an unlikely combination so she had achieved something with all her self-sacrificing. Besides, muffin top was more in Brody's league. Camp kid was arching a brow at six-pack Stefan and the double handed limp wrist wave in Stefan's direction was such an enormous giveaway of precisely what was going on there. Cassie scrutinised Stefan's face and body language, the feelings were mutual as far as she could tell. That left...
Cassie turned her attention to the blond bombshell and Rachel. They were sitting pressed up together, thighs touching - probably just a result of the rather crowded conditions. Brody getting up to go and buy drinks gave them the opportunity to spread out a bit, which to Cassie's annoyance they didn't take. Bombshell was probably some nobody from Rachel's home town of Hicksville, probably worked as a full time waitress at the local diner and this was her first venture into the big city, judging by that wide eyed slightly dazed look. Yes that would be it, Rachel's best buddy from childhood being dazzled and regaled with tales of New York. Probably called some hyphenated first name like Mary-Sue, Betty-Ann or maybe Tinker-bell (Bim-bo?) by parents who thought two names the height of sophistication.
Rachel's sweeping arm gestures gave little clue to the topic of her earnest conversation with the blond but Cassie could lip read 'winter showcase'. Bombshell was delighted for her although maybe all that hand squeezing was a little excessive. Cassie could feel her hackles rise. Then Bombshell managed to string a couple of sentences together and was rewarded by Rachel throwing back her head and laughing - surely tales from the diner weren't that amusing? - and then Rachel spontaneously threw her arms round the blond and hugged her tightly to her. Bombshell's evident surprise quickly morphed into a delighted smile as Cassie wrestled with a sudden onslaught of mixed emotions. Anger, regret, jealousy - she wasn't really sure. She had to remind herself that this was what friends who hadn't seen each other for a bit did. Laughing, smiling, touching and hugging - youngsters these days were just more demonstrative. It was only a half-hearted attempt at persuading herself; Cassie could feel her ire rising on every touch or significant look. Any thought of leaving had disappeared completely and when the blond girl headed towards the restroom unaccompanied, Cassie was quickly out of her seat to follow her.
A fierce argument raged in Cassie's head about her sanity levels and what on earth she hoped to achieve as she took a circuitous route to the restrooms to avoid any chance of being spotted. At best she hoped to discover the bombshell was on closer inspection acne scarred, suffering from halitosis, clueless about the dramatic arts and, this was an extremely long shot, Rachel's sister or cousin. She snuck stealthily into the restroom trying to put out of her head just how suspicious and inexplicable her current behavior was. Cassie timed her exit from the stall meticulously so that she just followed the blond and chose the sink adjacent to hers. There was only the pair of the in the room. Cassie ran her hands under the cold water as part of her brain idly wondered whether holding her head under the tap might be a better move – what was she thinking? Looking in the mirror she caught the girl's eye and with a broad smile opened the conversation.
"Hi, you must be new to Nyada this term as your face is unfamiliar," said Cassie lightly. The blond turned to look at her. The clear hazel eyes set in a flawless pale complexion appraised her carefully before a small smile transformed the beauty in front of Cassie from pleasing to stunning. No acne scars then. She really couldn't fault Rachel's taste.
"Oh I'm just visiting a friend. I'm currently studying at Yale," replied Quinn politely. Cassie crossed bimbo, sister and cousin off her rather hopeful list. No doubt wonder kid here was studying astrophysics or something. Still, astrophysicists and aspiring Broadway actresses didn't really mix.
"That's impressive. What are you studying?" Cassie asked keeping all her disappointment and envy out of her voice.
"Drama. I'm visiting a friend - you probably know her if you're," Quinn eyes swept over the woman in front of her. Surely slightly too old to be a mature student? " Studying" Quinn felt a bit guilty at the scepticism in her tone but there was something a bit unsettling about the intense way this woman was staring at her, "at NYADA."
"Oh," Cassie cut her polite laughter short when it sounded a bit forced to her ears," I do bit of teaching now and then. What's your friend's name?" She leaned in to look at herself in the mirror and drag her eyes away from the visual perfection presented by Rachel's friend.
"Rachel," responded Quinn before realising there might be more than one Rachel in all of NYADA,". "Rachel Berry." Quinn had the feeling the woman knew who she was talking about although she was unsure what to make of the momentary eye closure at the mention of Rachel's full name,"She's incredibly talented so if you don't know her I'm sure you soon will. We'll be singing later, Rachel's far better than me but, well, she's rather difficult to say no to."
"Oh I know Rachel," said Cassie softly and again Quinn was uncertain how to interpret the expression that flitted across the woman's face, "She.."
Whatever Cassie was about to say was cut off by the sound of Rachel's raised voice as she came through the first of the pair of double doors leading into the rest room.
"Quinn? Hurry up, we're up to perform next," Rachel's voice carried through the next set of doors.
Quinn turned to face the door as Rachel bundled through it smiling as soon as she saw Quinn.
"Sorry Rach, I was just talking to.." Quinn looked around in puzzlement. The woman who had been chatting to her only moments before had seemingly disappeared into thin air. She lost her train of thought as Rachel impulsively hugged her again.
"I'm so please you came to visit. I don't think I'd realised how much I've missed you," said a softly spoken, serious voiced Rachel.
"Same here. Everything seems to have changed so quickly since High School," replied Quinn hugging Rachel back," I think I'll be making better use of those Metro passes from now on though."
"Me too," enthused Rachel as she gently encouraged Quinn towards the exit,"I'm expecting you to show me round the sights and delights of Yale - beyond yourself of course."
"Of course," grinned Quinn,"Next weekend too soon?"
Cassie didn't here the rest of the conversation as the door swung shut behind the two girls. She leant back against the door of the stall she had hastily hidden in and drew in a shaky breath. So blondie was called Quinn. An intelligent, beautiful, high school friend (maybe more) of Rachel's who just happened to be studying drama. No doubt Cassie would dance the spots off her but a dance-off wasn't really on the cards. Cassie sighed as she clung to the slight hope that as good friends who had known each other years they would of course be quite tactile. Rachel's 'sights and delights of Yale beyond yourself' nagged at her. Definitely flirtatious. Maybe they just always bantered like that? One thing was for sure, there was going to be a compulsory dance 101 rehearsal next Saturday in the late afternoon and that would scupper any return visits to see wonder kid's Yale. She decided it wasn't worth examining her motives too closely at the moment as she was just running on instinct, her instinct being to keep those two apart.
As Cassie made her way back into the now heaving bar she could hear Rachel introducing herself and 'her good friend Quinn' to an enthusiastic crowd. Rachel's showcase triumph had raised her status to unprecedented levels amongst the student body hence the rousing reception. Cassie's eyes were drawn to the slight stage where the pair of girls stood microphones in hand grinning at each other. As the music started and Rachel began singing the first verse of 'you're just too good to be true' with her eyes fixed on her companion, proving the truth of 'can't take my eyes off of you' and a smile lighting up her face. Any comfort Cassie had been taking in the thought that the two girls were just friends fled as the song continued. A knife to the heart didn't begin to describe the pain in her chest as the performance unfolded in front of her. They sang to each other with big smiles on their faces. The looks they exchanged were hardly difficult to decipher even without how closely their bodies pressed together as they danced, laughing, through the musical interlude. Their voices blended pleasingly together.
Cassie was hardly surprised at this point to find wonder kid could sing. Probably walked on water and cured terminally ill babies with her smile too.
Cassie realised she was the only member of the audience scowling. She slowly unclenched her fists. She could hardly decipher the swirling mass of feelings coursing through her but she knew a quick exit was imperative before she said or did anything she regretted. Currently the most likely candidate for inadvisable behaviour was for her to consume copious amounts of alcohol and yell her rage to the skies. She'd never really developed an alternative strategy for coping with strong feelings of disappointment or anger. Somehow she knew a confrontation with Rachel was off the cards after all what could she say? How dare you take me at my word? Why settle for this same aged, beautiful, paragon of virtue here when you can have bitter, old, borderline alcoholic me? Cassie headed quickly out the door - a brisk walk home might help clear her head, she didn't have a strategy for healing her heart.