Well it seems a hint of faberry persuaded readers to review (thanks) but also knocked me off my stride a bit - the lure of faberry is strong! However this is posted as Julyberry for a reason even if it's taking a while to get there! Thanks reviewers :)
Time might be a great healer for most people but an entire weekend of having time to think about just what Rachel might be up to with her perfect companion hadn't healed Cassie in the slightest. She'd given up on a reasoned response to recent events very early on, Rachel ignoring her and finding fulfilment with someone else was the ideal outcome her head insisted. The emotional part of her violently disagreed and although she'd made it crystal clear to Rachel that she was in no way attracted to her, it didn't mean Rachel should move on quite so quickly. Or quite so effectively with a woman who made Cassie pale into utter insignificance when directly compared on almost any criteria. Cassie had re examined every interaction she had with Rachel with a fine toothcomb trying to discern whether she had been guilty of projecting her feelings on to Rachel and assuming she felt this electricity between them when in fact the girl was immune and harboured no such thoughts towards her. She was certain, then strongly convinced followed by reasonably sure and finally moderately hopeful that the attraction between them had been mutual. Cassie was pinning her hopes on that hard to describe atmosphere generated between them during the 'all that jazz' performance and the fact Rachel didn't back away when she stepped into her personal space and that her eyes had fluttered shut when Cassie had for a brief moment leaned in for a kiss. Surely that meant something?
There was only so much time she could spend in the gym and unfortunately physical exhaustion didn't seem to slow down her thoughts. Her flat had never been cleaner and she'd watched subtitled shows on her TV to just stop her mind dwelling on other things. Cassie considered phoning her brother before deciding there wasn't really anything helpful he could say. He'd just ask her logical penetrating questions and point out the contradictions in her behaviour, thoughts and feelings. He'd make her acknowledge how irrational she was being – she'd wanted Rachel to be out of her classes which effectively she was, there was just a shadow of her former self attending. She'd wanted Rachel absolutely clear that nothing could go on between them, which Rachel was obviously absolutely clear about as Rachel had not only dared to move on but had done so with a vastly superior far better suited for her female. Cassie had no right to be so, well, livid - with herself for being so fucking spineless, with Rachel for believing her at her word for fuck's sake and with that woman for being so fucking perfect. What had she been thinking? She'd already crossed the professional line with one student – like anyone would even accept her tale of trying to save Rachel from a mistake with Brody by her actions, she scarcely believed it herself – why not just make a play for Rachel? Just the thought made a thrill pass through her. Ignoring the trail of burnt bridges and boats behind her and the fact Rachel had already moved on just why was she fighting being involved with Rachel so hard? She knew deep down why yet it took the whole weekend before she would even allow herself to think it. Rachel was destined to be a big star and the last thing she would need would be rumours of a tawdry involvement with one of her College tutors during her student days following her around – the lesbian aspect would merely add to the titillation. It was the early hours of Monday morning before she finally admitted to herself that she actually she wanted something longer lasting than just some sort of quick fling with Rachel. She let out a humourless laugh – just when did she become so sappy? Her current emotional turmoil was payback for how she'd treated some of her previous partners - karma was indeed a bitch.
Rachel was filled with a warm glow as she lay on her bed that Sunday evening. She'd had a fabulous weekend helped by her and Quinn getting along famously. They'd giggled, laughed and hugged their way through the weekend. They'd even managed to fit in everything on Rachel's list from the picnic in central park to the ascent of the Empire State building. Quinn had vetoed the Staten Island ferry trip on the grounds of seasickness so they'd visited MOMA instead. Admittedly the off Broadway show had been a bit of a disaster on the Saturday evening. Kurt had obtained tickets through his Vogue contacts and it quickly became apparent just why the tickets were given up so readily. The nonsensical plot, highlighted by earnest but rather poor acting had Quinn asking her if being on stage no matter what was really still her life's ambition. Rachel had laughed and said she hoped she'd be more discerning in her choice of roles but a show was a show and that she expected Quinn to be there supporting her regardless. Quinn had responded she'd be there although the thunderous enthusiastic applause she gave at the end of the show might be relief that the end had finally arrived rather than a testament to the quality of the performances if Rachel chose to appear in something similar to what they'd just witnessed. It was a declaration of friendship no matter what and considering their rather colourful history it had made Rachel beam with happiness.
In fact the whole weekend had been a real ego boost. She hadn't realised that some of Cassie's insults had seeped through her shields until Quinn's frequently expressed pleasure at being in Rachel's company made her feel a little taller. They spent almost the entire time hand in hand or Quinn would have her arm round her shoulder making witty remarks in her ear. Rachel had felt on top of the world as they stood at the top of the Empire State building gazing out on the city beneath them. Quinn had commented on the amazing view and for a rather long moment their eyes had met. Time froze until Rachel quickly mentally slapped herself and diffused the moment with a hug. She really should have learnt from her Cassie encounter and then feedback that an intense exchange of looks when faces were close together in no way meant the other person wanted to kiss you. Quinn's lip bite just before she'd dived in for a hug had been rather adorable though. So Rachel had settled for frequent hugs to express herself. There was nothing quite like the warmth of someone hugging her tightly to make her feel valued and loveable. Kurt's hugs were cool, distant and paled into insignificance in comparison. It would be worth travelling all the way to Yale just for a Quinn hug.
The weekend had flown by and it seemed all too soon that she and Quinn were back at the station but this time for a goodbye rather than a hello. They'd hugged and then held on to each other's arms as they'd exchanged another intense look while Rachel struggled to find the words to verbalise her feelings. Kurt's arrival with coffees had distracted her so she turned to look at him just at the moment Quinn had leant forward and Rachel was surprised to feel Quinn's lips on her cheek. As she glanced at Quinn she could see her cheeks flushing a rather bright red so in order to lessen Quinn's embarrassment at the impulsive gesture Rachel leant forward and kissed her lightly back on the cheek. If anything she was unsuccessful in her plan as Quinn's cheeks only glowed brighter. A stilted conversation as the coffees were consumed followed with Rachel promising to visit Yale in the next few weeks - she laughed off Quinn's lighthearted suggestion that she should visit the next weekend. They'd hugged one last long and intense time before Quinn finally headed to catch her train.
"You know it's almost like you and Quinn.." Kurt started to say with that expression on his face that Rachel classified as his mischievous gossip face.
"Don't," Rachel cut off what he was going to say and used her hand to gesture he should stop.
"I was merely going to point out that from an innocent bystanders point of view it would look as if," Kurt struggled to come to the point partly out of nervousness at Rachel unexpectedly cutting him off.
"Stop," said Rachel emphatically her hand now up in his eyeline,"Please don't spoil what has been a wonderful weekend."
"All I was going to say was," he tried to defend himself.
"Kurt!" Rachel interrupted firmly and this time he finally got the message. Rachel's reluctance to discuss her relationships of any sort still held firm.
Quinn took her seat on the train and closed her eyes to reflect on what had been an unexpectedly wonderful weekend. She hadn't anticipated such a surge of joy when she'd first spotted Rachel in the station and the fact that Rachel was so pleased to see her too only added to her delight. Quinn had been surprised in her homesick moments at Yale to realise that what she really missed most wasn't her Cheerio friends or the chance to perform in Glee club but the endless optimism, enthusiasm and sheer drive of Rachel. She was the only person who never treated her differently after the birth of her daughter, the only person who had never judged her and found her wanting. In return Quinn had always been hateful, hurtful or dismissive of Rachel's attempts to offer friendship until the very last part of their school career. She didn't know if she could ever make up for what an absolute bitch she'd been but, God, seeing the new look confident exuberant New York Rachel had made her desperate to want to try.
On that first evening as they'd chatted with a group of Rachel's friends Quinn had realised just how good New York was for Rachel. She was more relaxed and confident, relating funny self- deprecating tales with perfect comic timing. Quinn had felt such affection for her and once they'd agreed to sing together she realised that actually being Rachel's best friend was the minimum she'd settle for. She'd seen Brody's surreptitious longing glances at Rachel and realised it was something more than protective friend that made her want to rip his head off. She'd dared to be just that bit more tactile as she and Rachel danced about performing their duet. Rachel had matched her smile for smile, laugh for laugh and touch for heavenly touch. Quinn had been floating in a haze of delicious anticipation of what might be as they'd all headed home. She hadn't reckoned on Kurt being ever present for almost the entire time. Okay he shared an apartment with Rachel so maybe she couldn't begrudge him that but did he really have nothing better to do than accompany them everywhere? Her request to visit MOMA was inspired – she could remember Kurt's often stated disdain of what passed for modern art so she hoped he wouldn't want to come – it was an inspired choice. She even managed to persuade Rachel to visit the Empire State building without waiting for Kurt to catch them up.
Quinn sighed. There had been a moment, a tiny split second moment, when she and Rachel had been looking intently at each other on top of the Empire State building and Quinn had been trying to screw up the courage to just lean in and place her lips on Rachel's. Her hesitation had been too long as the moment passed with Rachel suddenly impulsively hugging her. It had taken a while for her heart rate to return to normal. That near miss and the resultant rush of emotions had convinced Quinn that there was something between the pair of them that they really should be exploring. She just needed to choose the right moment to talk to Rachel about it. Unfortunately Kurt's leechlike qualities were then in full force so time with just her and Rachel were only brief moments. Still, Kurt was useful for persuading Rachel to share details of her NYADA life that she'd been rather reticent about, particularly her clashes with her dance teacher.
"So Quinn," said Kurt conversationally in the cab after the off Broadway show to forget," who do you think is most bitchy Sue Sylvester of Cassandra July?"
"Hard to tell seeings as I've never heard of Cassandra," replied Quinn looking to Rachel for help in time to see her eye roll.
"You mean Rachel hasn't told you about her New York welcome in her dance lessons? Or that when she asked Ms July why she was on her to be picked on list Ms July told her she was the list?" asked Kurt enthusiastically.
"Kurt, she's just a bit misguided in how she thinks she should prepare us for the pressures of a life in performance," said Rachel hoping to end the conversation before her confusion around Cassie was noticed.
"Pah," scoffed Kurt," Calling you Schwimmer is going to help prepare you for future pressures?"
"It's no worse than the name calling at High school," replied Rachel defensively. Quinn looked shamefaced.
"So she wasn't the reason you were crying down the phone before I got here," Kurt responded
Quinn could see Rachel was embarrassed.
"And there was me thinking all those early morning renditions of you being Titanium were about steeling you for your dance classes," ventured Kurt.
"I just had the song stuck in my head," explained Rachel unconvincingly.
"Or the reason I had to go shopping with you to find the right outfit for you to prove to her you could do sexy" Kurt was warming to the theme.
Quinn's raised eyebrow made Rachel rerun Kurt's comment in her head and then turn an even brighter shade of red.
"It wasn't like you're thinking," Rachel explained hurriedly," I did a Brittany number.."
Kurt cut off Rachel's explanation
"And then got kicked out of her class for telling her like it is," crowed Kurt.
"And then got reinstated by recognising how out of order my behaviour was regardless of the provocation," asserted Rachel forcefully.
"Only to resist all future provocation hence the infamous dance off," smirked Kurt. He leant over to Quinn conspiratorially; "Quite why Rachel thought having a dance off against her dance professor was a good idea.." a casual wave of the hand was enough to indicate doubts to Rachel's sanity.
Rachel sighed," She may have out danced me,"
"May?!" Interjected Kurt. Rachel scowled at him and ignored his interruption.
"But I out sang her and besides it gave me the idea for the Winter Showcase," stated Rachel.
"Which she said you had no hope of winning," added Kurt, "Shame she wasn't there to see your triumph."
"Oh but she was," blurted Rachel as another wave of embarrassment washed over her as she remembered their interaction. Kurt was looking at her wide eyed as opposed to Quinn's narrow eyed gaze.
"You never said," spluttered Kurt.
Rachel bit back the childish 'you never asked' on the tip of her tongue and settled instead for a dismissive wave of the hand and an attempted nonchalant "It wasn't important. I think I caught a glimpse of her leaving."
Quinn wasn't fooled by Rachel's attempted breezy attitude. Kurt and Rachel had a long exchange of looks.
"So this Cassandra, a middle aged plump harridan envious of any young talented student?" queried Quinn focused on Rachel for her response. There was something awkward about how Rachel was behaving but she just couldn't quite figure out what the problem was.
"No." stated Rachel a bit more emphatically than she intended. She tried again a bit more softly," not old or plump."
"She's in amazing shape," gushed Kurt," such toned abs, great flexibility. A real piece of eye candy maybe early thirties, highly attractive but definitely a total bitchy blonde."
"Hmm," agreed Rachel picturing Ms July in her head as they squared up on all that jazz," she's incredibly," Rachel had to bite off the 'sexy' she almost said and squeeze "talented," out of her mouth instead. She could feel Quinn's scutinising gaze on her.
"Talented?" inquired Quinn, eyebrow raised to indicate her total skepticism at Rachel's fumbled and rushed choice of word.
Rachel settled for nodding rather than trusting her voice. Fortunately the cab arriving at their destination saved any further interaction on the subject. Quinn just stored the conversation away for future scrutiny.
In the end Quinn made a rather ill judged somewhat poorly thought out move when they were momentarily Kurt-free as he went to fetch coffee while they waited for Quinn's train. Quinn groaned at the memory. Guerilla kisses, or rather Gorilla kisses, were more Finn's style and yet when she found herself tongue-tied and unable to put into words how she was feeling, she'd thought demonstrating how she felt was a good idea. She mentally slapped herself - not really the actions of a high functioning adult. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you looked at it, Kurt timed his arrival impeccably so Rachel turned just at the precise moment she'd moved in for her guerilla kiss. A gentle peck on Rachel's cheek and her wide-eyed surprise as she turned back to look at Quinn left her embarrassingly humiliated. Rachel then leaning in to kiss her on the cheek had left her incredibly bewildered and breathlessly hopeful. If only Kurt would take another walk rather than glancing between the two as if they were a tennis match. She was left with a rearguard action of trying to persuade Rachel to visit her at Yale, the sooner the better - as long as she came without Kurt. She couldn't tell if Rachel's laughing off of the invitation to come the next weekend was meant to be a hidden message or not.
Cassie had thought she'd put all her resentment and negative feelings behind her until, at the very last moment, just this side of on-time, Rachel slunk into her lessons as meek as a mouse in an outfit suitable for everyday Armish wear – oh okay then, without the hat. Cassie was immediately annoyed although Rachel's peers commenting on her exuberant/amazing/fantastic performance at Callbacks was hardly helping to bring her ire under control. She didn't need to be reminded of that performance thank-you very much and the demure slightly embarrassed yet mute way Rachel was accepting their comments only irritated her further. Maybe Cassie's planned lesson on different turns had been slightly ambitious or maybe the entire group was just totally incompetent whichever it was became irrelevant. She vented to the class generally in increasingly caustic terms before insisting they master the basics of pliés before moving on to something remotely appropriate for their alleged ability. Cassie couldn't stop herself from just standing close to and scrutinising Rachel's increasingly nervous attempts.
" Schwimmer, I've seen more graceful dancing bears. At least make some effort if you're going to bother to turn up. Again," she said trying to keep a lid on her general annoyance with Rachel.
Rachel managed another turn aware Cassie's proximity was in fact hindering her attempts to improve.
"Sort out your posture," growled Cassie before giving in to the urge to pull Rachel's shoulders back slightly and then lift her chin so their gazes met. A second of total concentration on each other as the rest of the room faded away. The 'do-your-worst' challenge she perceived in Rachel's gaze was enough to spur her on.
"Again and this time with some effort," instructed Cassie harshly.
It was an above average attempt and Rachel knew it. Unfortunately her self-congratulatory smirk was spotted by Cassie and only served to irritate her further. She slammed her stick on the ground.
"Okay everyone stop," she ordered," form a circle I want you all to see the appalling standard of performance that I'm meant to drag up into the category of dancer. Schwimmer, if you could just butcher a plié for us."
Rachel resisted the temptation to take Ms July at her literal word, settling instead for her best effort despite the focus of the class being on her.
"See what I have to deal with?" beseeched Cassie to the class,"Sometimes it's just hard to make a pig's ear out of a pig's ear."
Cassie paced around an unmoving Rachel. Rachel fixed her gaze at a point on the far wall and tried to think happy thoughts.
"Maybe, just maybe, if you spent all your spare time practising rather than acting as a tour guide to your country hick friends," Cassie tried to rein the venom in her tone in,"there'd be a slight hope of dragging you up to the standard of being ready for this class."
Cassie stopped pacing and stepped closer to Rachel.
"Focus on your core and try again. The rest of you I want you to think about what Schwimmer here needs to do to improve as she doesn't seem ready or willing to take advice from me."
Cassie stepped away and Rachel concentrated on performing the best plié she'd ever done. The dramatic sigh of exasperation from Cassie let her know she'd been unsuccessful. Cassie scoured the class
"Muffin top, what advice for the heffalump here?" demanded Cassie.
"Er..I..um" squeaked an embarrassed Lydia before she managed to whisper,"I thought it was good Ms July,"
"And that's why you're never going to make it," snapped Cassie,"Still if you can't see how Schwimmer here could improve maybe you need to join her in practising."
"Lydia, weren't you going to suggest something about the position of my hands?" asked Rachel with a meaningful look at Lydia.
"Oh um yeah," managed Lydia.
"Do they need to be more like this than this?" encouraged Rachel as she rotated her hands slightly.
"Um yes," a highly embarrassed Lydia squeaked.
"Thank-you'" said Rachel glancing at Cassie to be given the nod to try again. Rachel completed another near perfect plié. There was a tension in the room as all the students tried not to be chosen by Cassie to offer advice. She glared at the miserable lot of them trying not to meet her eye.
"Well plenty that needs work there then, don't worry people if Schwimmer continues to perform like this you'll all have the opportunity to offer your advice" she smiled coldly,"So let's get a move on, thunder thighs your pearls of wisdom."
One by one each student would offer Rachel spurious advice on how to improve, she would thank them for their advice and then perform yet another plié. Cassie would make a disparaging remark and move on to the next student. The atmosphere in the class quickly shifted to an uncomfortable pin-dropping silence and the sweat began to build on Rachel's brow as the effort of holding her posture and composure became harder. Rachel early on realised this wasn't actually about the standard of her turns so would sometimes allow herself to lapse on something to make it easier for the next advice giver. If they were struggling she'd offer a suggestion under the guise of a question. She was beginning to tire and she felt slightly dizzy but she was determined to see the lesson through.
"Maybe Schwimmer you need to take a water break," said Cassie neutrally. Rachel was beginning to look tired and Cassie's irritation had melted away for concern to take its place. What was she hoping to achieve? She'd punished the girl and vented her anger so how to end this? She couldn't quite believe she'd painted herself into this corner. She couldn't see how to end this without a loss of face on her part. The class were obviously increasingly unhappy about what was happening and as ever Rachel showed no signs of backing down. Why didn't she just storm out in protest for goodness sake? This offer of a water break was the best idea she could come up with to end whatever it was she'd started.
"Thankyou for your concern Ms July but I'm fine," Rachel assured her with her Broadway smile " and eager to put the effort in to improve with the aid of my peers."
The offer of advice, its polite acceptance, the performance of a plié and then some indication of disapproval from Cassie continued. Cassie could feel the discontent of the class growing, not enough for open defiance but she caught the odd mutinous look in her direction. She knew she needed to put an end to this.
"Okay people let's call it a day here, there's obviously no hope for bringing Schwimmer up to speed,"she announced only to be interrupted by Rachel.
"Oh please Miss July, there's only three people left to offer suggestions and who knows maybe one of them has the vital advice that will change everything," Rachel met her gaze evenly,"You wouldn't want to deprive me of the chance to improve would you?"
Cassie felt powerless; after all she'd let things progress this far so she bowed to Rachel's request. The final three pliés were of an equal standard to her first efforts. Cassie managed an unusually brief "Class dismissed," as soon as the last plié was completed. She hurried out of the room and made a beeline for the sanctuary of her office. What was she doing? What had she been thinking? She managed to barrel through her office door and shut it before collapsing in the nearest chair with her head in her hands. She wasn't quite sure what her tears were about.
Rachel controlled the urge to run for a towel and a drink and instead walked at normal pace to her belongings. Two weeks of being relatively unnoticed in class and then this? What had changed? She gulped down some water then towelled her face and neck dry. And what was that remark about being a tour guide to country hicks meant to mean? Her fellow students were busy being outraged on her behalf and now full of ideas about what they should have done or said rather than the silent acquiescence they'd actually managed. She laughed off suggestions that she should make a complaint and joked that she could now do pliés in her sleep. Internally though she was less sang froid about everything. Once her temperature, heart rate and breathing were back to normal and she'd managed to bat away suggestions of joining the others at a local coffee shop she headed purposefully to Ms July's office. She might only be slightly better prepared for what to expect but this time she had righteous indignation on her side. She didn't even break stride as the Ms July sign came into view. She opened the door to the office with vigour and stepped in.
"Just what the hell was that all about?" demanded Rachel before she'd even ascertained whether Cassie was in the room. A startled pair of tear-filled brown eyes rose to meet hers and Rachel suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable.
"Oh come on, my pliés weren't all that bad," Rachel added trying to ease the tension, "Honestly thought I was getting better after the eighteenth repitition," she added only for Cassie to seem to be fighting a fresh wave of tears.
Rachel dropped to her knees next to her visibly upset dance teacher and placed what she hoped was a calming, reassuring hand on her knee.
"Is there anything I can do?" asked Rachel concern clearly etched on her features. Her natural empathy for anyone upset taking over her need to demand answers.
'Hold me, kiss me, love me' screamed Cassie's inner self as she struggled to pull herself together, wiping her tears and trying to ignore the warmth of the hand on her knee.
"No, I'm fine really," she said as a fresh batch of tears was unleashed and she tried to mop them up with her hands. God, what was the matter with her?
"Em yes I can see that," muttered Rachel stroking the knee under her hand with her thumb as she wondered what on earth would leave Ms. July in tears.
Her movement was eventually stopped by Cassie's hand settling firmly on hers. Rachel's gaze moved from their hands up to Cassie's slightly watery eyes. It was another of those heart-racing moments that Rachel chanted to herself in her head meant nothing.
"Rachel," said Cassie firmly,"I'm fine. Really. I just need, would appreciate really, some time to myself."
Rachel stood up abruptly pulling her hand free from Cassie's light grip, embarrassment clearly visible over her features.
"Sorry, sorry. I shouldn't have..I mean..I just..sorry," apologised Rachel as scurried head down across the room and out the door.
Cassie stared at the closing door and sighed. She'd just handled that incredibly badly leaving Rachel embarrassed and apologising when it really should have been her in those shoes. She hadn't asked for the girl to follow her. On the other hand she deserved to be confronted about her behavior. Not that Rachel had managed much confronting. She couldn't leave things as they were she needed to, well do something to sort things out. She took a deep steadying breath. Fortunately her crying outburst seemed to be over. Cassie headed to her computer and called Rachel's timetable up on her screen. Rachel's last lesson of the day was a singing class with Carmen; maybe she could catch her up after that? It would give her time to get over whatever this emotional outburst had been all about, tears of self-pity, tears of despair or tears of regret? It would also give her time to think about what she wanted to say beyond apologising for her behaviour in class today. Oh and the misunderstanding just now and maybe she could apologise for her harsh words earlier in the year? Cassie took a steadying breath, whoa, steady on she told herself. Maybe , for today, just apologising would suffice.
and there's so many different ways this story could now go...