Apologies for the delay but ... After wrestling with this chapter I thought I'd just post the rough and ready version before the need to delete the entire story became overwhelming. Cheers to reviewers. :)
Cassie dropped another mostly empty rum bottle into the rubbish bag beside her desk. One positive outcome of her sudden leave was that at least her office would be tidied. A pile of clippings of auditions for roles she thought would have suited her followed next - she'd never had the courage to apply for any of them but had still been unable to stop herself looking and occassionally daydreaming about how different things could have been. Her eyes swept round the office taking in the completely clear desktop and the plants lined up on a nearby shelf for easy watering. Whoever Carmen managed to organise to stand in for her, if she found anybody, would be able to use this space. She just needed to take dance 101 and then it would be off to the airport and a visit to her brother's because he was the only person she could talk to. Yes, she'd been friends for years with Carmen ever since they both appeared in an obscure off off Broadway show more years ago than she cared to remember, back when she was a young bright eyed talent with a glittering career ahead of her. She wasn't sure where she'd be now without Carmen pushing her to take a job as a teacher and to utilise her talents in a slightly different way to how she'd dreamed of doing since being a young girl. Carmen had always had faith in her, even when Cassie was being a self-pitying obnoxious bitch. Cassie sighed, but Carmen had a role as her boss so she really hadn't been able to confide in her what was really going on during their conversation yesterday. Cassie prided herself on saying what she meant but Carmen had learnt by necessity the art of saying one thing whilst meaning another so Cassie had run through their conversation several times in her head to try and discern Carmen's true motives.
As soon as Rachel had exited Carmen was busy pointing out how her judgment trumped Cassie's with a "Now you can see why I'm so confident about that girl's ability to succeed, not just highly talented but." Carmen paused to allow Cassie a moment's reflection," such resilience and drive in someone so young. Still think I overestimated her?"
Cassie sighed, " No I think you're right. She is definitely a big hope for the future."
Carmen smiled,"Good job I'm sitting down or the shock of you admitting I'm right and you're wrong might have knocked me off my feet."
"I never disagreed with you," Cassie objected knowing that she had never outright agreed with Carmen about Rachel either. It had just taken her a while to admit what she was actually seeing. She'd been captivated since the 'Oops I did it again' performance that she often reran in her head late at night.
"Rachel's other talent though is her phenomenal ability to get under your skin," prompted Carmen. Cassie feigned a sudden interest in her hands. What could she say? Rachel hadn't just got under her skin; she'd wormed her way into her heart too. Not quite what she'd expected from that eager-to-please, so-excited-to-be-here conservatively dressed, slightly awkward girl who came to her first lesson.
"I've been a bit distracted," Cassie finally decided to fill the silence. It was a truthful if not entirely honest statement if there was such a thing. Her attempt at defiance crumbled under Carmen's skeptical eyebrow rise.
"I know your methods can be unconventional and may seem somewhat tough," Carmen held up her hand to forestall the usual 'but I get results' comeback," but your treatment of Rachel has been harsh even by your standards and I've never known you to focus on just one student. It just begs the question why?"
"From lesson one day one," sighed Cassie running her hand through her hair as she cast her mind back to just where all this mess started," She dared to show displeasure after I made a remark about another student, understandable given what we know now about her school experiences, so I decided to focus my attention on her." Cassie was dismayed to find her voice wavering with emotion.
Carmen kept her disapproval in check. It wasn't often Cassie opened up so she was loathe to jepardise it now. Besides Cassie sounded suitably chastened about her own behaviour.
"It started as the usual critical comments and disparaging remarks but instead of being cowed she kept bouncing back, keen to do well and seemingly impervious to all that I threw at her and then when I wouldn't let her participate in the tango lessons because she lacked the sexiness.. Well Rachel was as ever determined to prove me wrong." Cassie paused to wipe away the tears that begun to make their way down her cheeks. A quick image of Rachel being manhandled by Brody sprung to mind, which she quickly replaced, by thinking of Rachel's red lips from that day.
"So did she prove you wrong?" prodded Carmen, wondering whether it was wise for her to pursue this. She couldn't remember a time when she'd seen Cassie in tears, obviously Rachel's revelations about being bullied had made Cassie at least reconsider if not regret her behaviour. Carmen was still quite surprised at this as she'd expected Cassie to make some casual remark about Rachel having victim written all over her.
"Oh yes," sighed Cassie," but I didn't tell her that. In fact that's why she called me jealous of them all and mentioned the youtube debacle." Cassie stopped again. Was debacle a strong enough term for the event that crushed all her hopes and dreams and so irrevocably changed her life?
"So when you were trying to remove her from your classes.." Carmen brought Cassie back from her painful memories. Carmen was recalling Cassie stalking up and down in front of her desk demanding Rachel's immediate expulsion from her class.
"Yes I'd provoked her and yes maybe it was unfair but I couldn't see how I could continue to have her stoic defiance in class without," Cassie paused to order her thoughts," well I didn't know what would happen and I was worried about my authority."
Worried about her inability to keep her emotions in check was more the case but she could hardly admit to that. She could feel Carmen's intense scrutiny on her. Fortunately her red faced look would be attributed to her outburst of tears.
"So the infamous dance off was about you asserting your authority," suggested Carmen her tone making clear her disapproval of the event.
Cassie had the grace to blush. What had that been about, it was hardly as if she was six years old and needed a 'my dancings better than yours' validation. Mind you, the way electricity coursed between them had definitely made the benefits of the encounter outweigh Carmen's unspoken disapproval. Her mind switched to the days repeated pliés fiasco, definitely a different tone to that. She was deliberately punishing Rachel without Rachel having a clue as to why. The memory of an outraged Rachel bursting through her office door sprang to mind.
"Rachel must hate me," Cassie moaned sinking her face into her hands and battled against her self-loathing. Everything that had happened had been her own fault.
Carmen studied her friend carefully. Since when did Cassie give two cents about what anyone else's opinion? She was rather worried about her.
"I think Rachel is self reflective enough to know that you partially if not wholly inspired her Winter Showcase performance," Carmen said," She even thanked you I believe?"
Cassie nodded. It had felt like a sarcastic thanks and only reinforced the idea that Rachel hated her.
"Besides she had the ideal opportunity just now to stop your teaching career in its tracks. She not only didn't take it she actively defended you and prevented you from ruining it for yourself," Carmen allowed her words to sink in." Hardly the actions of someone who allegedly hates you."
Cassie ran the words through her head again. Did she dare hope..
"The rest of your class though is a different matter," Carmen stated, as this was more Cassie's current major problem.
"They'll get over it," said Cassie dismissively waving Carmen's concern away with a flick of her hand. This was the Cassie Carmen was most familiar with but the sudden contrast was disturbing.
"Don't get me wrong, I heartily approve of the new sober you," Cassie's quick surprised glance at Carmen suggested she thought her drinking issues had been unknown about," but you seem more..emotional than usual. I have no idea what's going on between you and Rachel.." Carmen paused because she really didn't. The pair of them seemed to thrive on conflict with each other and yet it wasn't as straightforward as that.
"I ..it's ..well..." spluttered Cassie weary keeping secrets but well aware of the consequences of confession. Complicated was an apt description but rather over used. Besides there was nothing complicated about her motivations for giving Rachel a hard time in her recent lesson.
"And I don't want to know," Carmen's hands indicated she had no wish to hear Cassie's thoughts on the matter,"but I'm worried about the pair of you." Carmen waited for Cassie to look at her and then leaned forward across her desk.
"For all her resilience and drive there is still far too much vulnerability and self doubt in Rachel," she said softly. "Rather than being given lessons in how hard the entertainment business can be she needs the careful guidance of someone she respects who knows how the industry works and can protect her," Cassie made as if to object but Carmen cut across her," she just protected you. All I'm saying is she needs someone to do the same for her."
Cassie couldn't escape the feeling that Carmen thought that someone was her but that couldn't be right. She reran Carmen's comments in her head. The canny woman hadn't actually said anything out of order. It was about her having to draw her own conclusions. What did Rachel standing up for her in that meeting actually mean? Was it just about a driven student wanting to pass a particular class and not be seen as a victim or was it actually to do with how Rachel actually felt about her?
"Then there's you," added Carmen. " You seem more unsettled and less satisfied with your job here than ever before and yet," Carmen sighed," in some ways you seem to have started to let your true self seep out from behind your carefully crafted 'hard as nails' persona."
Cassie sighed but didn't speak. Rachel had wreaked havoc on her usually highly controlled self and even dared float the idea she should be auditioning for roles. No one else had ever suggested that. She knew she was just settling if she stayed in teaching but she'd been so devastated by all the furor around her broadway debut rant that she'd closed herself off for fear of the next hurt breaking her. Now she was just bitter and unloved, endlessly practising and keeping herself at the top of her dancing game for a role she daren't audition for. Even more pathetically she was busy obsessing over a student way out of her league in terms of talent, human decency and age.
"I think Cassie," Carmen placed her hand gently on Cassie's," it might be a good idea for you to take some time out. Think about what you really want," Carmen's steady look seemed to be trying to convey more than her words," and whether being here is the right thing for you. I want you working here because you are an amazing asset to the NYADA but far more than that as your friend I want you to be happy and less...fragile."
"Okay," mumbled Cassie, uncertain how having more time to hate herself would help.
Carmen was quickly round the desk and hugging her closely," I know you don't think it but you deserve happiness Cassie, you just need to be brave enough to reach for it."
Carmen's words about being 'brave enough to reach for it' had haunted her. Oh she'd been brave enough to reach for Rachel's hand in the conversation afterwards but she was sure that wasn't what Carmen had meant. Carmen meant trying out for Broadway surely? There was no way Carmen could have known or suspected about how she felt about Rachel was there? And even if she had, there was no way that she would encourage - Cassie always faltered at this point. Carmen was the consummate professional and any suggestion to the contrary was just an indication of how badly she needed time to pull herself together. Cassie gathered the rubbish bags at the door and glanced at her watch. Five minutes until dance 101 - should she go early as usual to the class or should she arrive slightly late just to ratchet up the tension amongst those spineless gutless wonders who'd dared to complain about her behind her back? Oh who was she kidding, she could hardly wait to lay her eyes on her favourite student and soak up as many memories as possible to tide her over the coming week. Then inspiration hit, she could video the lesson under the guise of wanting to give detailed feedback to everyone individually and at the same time not have to rely on just her memories. She reached for the tripod and video bag on her shelf. As an added bonus the video gave her an excuse for being less harsh with her class what with all that video evidence.
Rachel was approaching the lesson with some trepidation. She'd umm-ed and ahh-ed about wearing a dance leotard but had settled for her barely there shorts – the extra amount of leg covered up was minimal but worth the confidence it gave her. A loose top that slid off one shoulder or the other gave a false semblance of modesty and the bra she wore underneath had been chosen for the enhancement it gave to her cleavage. So overall more cleavage but back to the usual amount of leg. She could have asked Kurt for his help but that would have meant a conversation she really wasn't willing or ready to have. Besides she wasn't even sure whether she was just being set up by Ms. July for some hazing about her appearance. Rachel had spent the evening just thinking about yesterday's events. Kurt had been keen to discuss what had happened as he'd heard from Stefan about Ms July really going for her and the class being driven to talk to Carmen about it. She'd down played it and retired early to bed ostensibly with a headache but really to give her space to wonder which Cassie might appear in the lesson the next day.
Cassie was already in her room when Rachel arrived with a breezy "Hi" to her peers to disguise her nervousness. The tension in the room instantly increased and Rachel was aware of the scrutiny of her classmates suddenly focused on her and Ms July. Cassie was leaning back casually on the desk behind her trying to contain her delight at the return of confident, eye-pleasing Rachel. She was going to miss the emotional rush brought on by just laying eyes on her.
'Ra..Schwimmer." nodded Ms. July in her direction as her gaze swept up over Rachel loitering on her chest before finally meeting her eye. There was an approving smirk on her face that didn't shift even as Rachel stepped closer to talk to her dance teacher.
"I'm glad to see you can take my advice," added Cassie mischievously as the class became pin-droppingly silent to hear what was said.
"Thank-you for your attention and dedication to helping me improve myself," replied Rachel with a half-grin back.
"My pleasure," replied Cassie, a lazy smile still playing across her features," Your commitment to improvement is admirable even when the going gets tough."
Rachel recognized this as the closest to a public apology that Ms. July was going to make. The murmuring that was beginning to pick up around them suggested many of her peers had recognized that too.
Rachel stepped closer as the conversation began to pick up around them. Her next comment was only for Cassie.
"It isn't easy making cleavage out of pancakes," she said softly trying not to shift nervously from foot to foot. She'd decided that Ms. July needed reminding that she had more to apologise for than just picking on her in class without reason. Cassie took Rachel's comment as an invitation to survey the results of Rachel's efforts and she allowed her gaze to linger on the gloriously tanned swells of breast that peaked out of Rachel's casual top. She leaned forward to speak softly in Rachel's ear
"Well I think you've done an admirable job." Cassie husked and was pleased to watch a blush rise up Rachel's cheeks before adding," I hope you appreciate that I practice what I preach," Cassie shrugged off her cardigan and then needlessly adjusted her risqué top before casually ran her hands over her thighs as if readying herself to move. Rachel felt her mouth suddenly go dry and her ears redden. The glazed eye, mouth slightly agape look was all the reward Cassie needed. She had no idea what game they were playing but thought she'd just won the first round. However for now she needed to remember there was a class for her to run.
As Rachel made her way back to join her classmates, Cassie reluctantly dragged her eyes away from Rachel's delightfully pert derrier. The decision was made in an instant, no neanderthal in this class was going to have the opportunity to put their sweaty paws on that perfection and if one of those gloriously long legs was going to be wrapped around anybody it would be her. It was her last lesson for a while dammit so she was prepared to live a little dangerously.
"Pair up, beefcake you're videoing, Schwimmer you're with me," instructed Cassie not missing the fleeting look of alarm that ghosted across Rachel's features. She waited until Rachel reached her.
"Unless you'd like to swap roles with beefcake?" she asked trying to keep her apprehension that Rachel would jump at the offer under wraps. An adorable nervous lip lick later and Rachel was declaring her readiness to partner up with Cassie.
"Right people, close embrace none of this namby pamby arms length and now experiment, mix styles whatever. The basic theme is tango, a dance of seduction remember. Beefcake here will be videoing so I can feedback to you in detail. First half of the lesson is to plan and practise, second half to perform," with that she set off on task and refocussed on the rather nervous looking girl alongside her.
Rachel was feeling a mix of trepidation with a tiny hint of excitement. It was hard to ignore her fear that she was being set up for further ridicule.
"Ms. July, I hope you've taken your anti-nausea tablets," she muttered loud enough only for Ms. July to hear. She had hoped to come across as nonchalant but the waver in her voice betrayed her anxiety.
Cassie resisted the impulse to say something that would hurt Rachel as much as that remark had hurt her. She had said it after all.
"Two things to remember if we're going to dance effectively together," Cassie said as she moved to take Rachel in a gentle open hold," the first is you need to clear your mind of any distractions and focus purely on the task in hand and the second," she carefully drew Rachel into a closer embrace,"is that you can call me Cassie."
The sudden rush of excitement caused by pressing Rachel to her meant the 'call me Cassie' came out a little more huskily than she intended but judging by the way Rachel was so stiff and tense in her arms she reassured herself it had gone unnoticed.
An awkward basic eight step manouver later and Cassie knew she needed to do something to relax the girl she was holding if they were going to avoid making idiots of themselves in front of the class.
"Look Rachel, you need to relax and let me guide you. In order to achieve that, well, you need to trust me." Cassie said quietly as she brought them to a halt.
"My dads advised me never to trust anyone who actually said that to me," responded Rachel only to be surprised by Ms July's sudden bark of laughter.
"I'm not sure this is quite the scenario they had in mind," replied Cassie with a smirk. Rachel glared at her so Cassie reined in her amusement.
"Okay, close your eyes and picture yourself dancing with someone you trust implicitly," suggested Cassie. Rachel's list of whom she trusted implicitly was woefully short, dad or daddy. Neither of who would wear a perfume like that currently teasing her nostrils. It was a scent you'd expect Cassie to choose, not too sweet but definitely intriguing. With her eyes closed Rachel's other senses were heightened. Cassie murmured directions in her ear as her brain struggled to identify the scent she was detecting. In between Cassie speaking Rachel was concentrating on trying to hear her breathing, as it was oddly reassuring. Yet by far the most relevant sense was touch. She was suddenly fully aware of Cassie's firm hand on her back and although the thigh touching hold made her face flush it was bettered by the chest to chest hold that Cassie instigated with some comment about Argentinian versus American tango. She couldn't really focus on the words with all her nerve ends jangling and her pulse thudding loudly in her ears. Rachel found herself relaxing and allowing herself to be guided by Cassie through turns and dips. The rest of the room faded away as she focused herself entirely on the touch, sound and smell of Cassie.
"Now you need to open your eyes and focus on mine," murmured Cassie. Their eyes met and Cassie felt another wave of emotion crash over her. She tried to hide her nervous swallow. Dancing with Rachel was definitely one of her worst ideas in that it was an exquisitely sweet torture. Still, said her inner voice - might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. She allowed her hand to dip slightly from its lower back position to a very borderline regulation placement. Encouraging Rachel to wrap her leg round her as they moved across the floor had her libido shooting off any known chart. Judging by Rachel's slightly glazed look she either wasn't faring any better or had been stupified by fear.
Rachel fought to control her breathing so as not to give away any hint of the shortness of breath caused by the proximity of her current crush and the blatantly suggestive moves Cassie was choosing. She should have known what she was letting herself in for just based on Cassies's choreography of the dances Rachel had seen. A few snippets of the Dance Again/Americano routine sprung to mind making her a little more heated. 'It's just a dance' she kept chanting (to little effect) in her head. Cassie's intense gaze was suggesting it was anything other than just a dance and for a brief moment Rachel wondered whether she was misreading intentions yet again. So she switched the reflective part of her brain off and decided to just enjoy the moment, or rather, sigh, moments. It had been a while since she'd had a body pressed up against hers beyond the occasional hug and if she'd been allowed to choose who would end that drought then this was the person she'd have chosen. She just needed to enjoy herself and not let any of the moans gathering inside her actually escape.
Reluctantly Cassie called the class to attention to allow couples to show in pairs what they had prepared. She decided that Rachel and her would go last to allow herself time to recover and cool off. The dances prepared by her students were predictably unadventurous if technically very adept. She muted her criticisms trying to find something she liked about each performance to soften her feedback. Finally last two pairs were up, Lydia and her partner alongside her and Rachel. What Cassie had failed to realise was that Rachel Berry was a performer so put her in front of an audience and she couldn't help but up her game. The eye contact went from intense to smouldering, there was a little more attitude and sensuality in the turns and movements that they'd rehearsed. Cassie rose to the challenge admirably. As there bodies melded together they moved with greater fluidity, the dips were that bit lower, their faces just that bit closer and after the spins Rachel found herself held that bit tighter.
As the music drew to a close, Rachel allowed herself to be leaned back in the classic we're about to kiss pose of the old black and white movies. She could feel Cassie's uneven breathing on her face and realised she must be looking as flushed as Cassie if not more so. The hold lasted a bit longer than necessary but neither of the two were prepared to be the first to break their heated gaze. The sudden intrusion of applause broke them out of their stupor. Cassie righted Rachel and then stepped slightly away trying to regain her breath.
"Not bad Schwimmer," she finally managed, once breathing and speaking became a viable option.
"Not bad yourself," grinned Rachel back at her as there was a collective intake of breath around the room at Rachel's audacity, or was it stupidity? Nerves were instantly calmed by Cassie's laughter as she walked to her desk and waved the remark off.
The lesson was in danger of over running so the students hurried to grab their belongings as Cassie steeled herself to sip at her bottle of water rather than tip it over her head like she really wanted to do. Rachel was dragging her heels wanting to speak to Cassie but uncertain what to say. Besides she was a little overheated in more ways than one. She screwed up her courage; this might well be her last chance to say anything for a while.
"Cassie, I just wanted to say…" began Rachel before she was interrupted by Lydia poking her head round the door to hurry Rachel up or they'd be late for Drama class. Rachel scurried out the door leaving a disappointed but slightly relieved Cassie in the room. It was probably best they didn't talk about that dance. She was about to collect her things from the desk when the classroom door flew open and as she turned to see who it was she found herself enveloped in a brief tight hug.
"Thank-you Cassie, that was amazing," gushed Rachel before releasing Cassie and instantly turning bright red. Sometimes being impulsive wasn't a plus. She practically sprinted to the door "Um yes so.. um.. bye."
Cassie managed a "bye" as the door shut behind Rachel, uncertain whether she'd been heard. Suddenly going away for a week had become exponentially harder than when the day began. As Cassie headed to collect the video camera she noticed it was still recording. Knowing her luck, beefcake had probably missed recording the entire lesson and mistaken off for on. Sometimes she despaired at the sheer idiocy of some of these would-be performers. Sighing she gathered everything together and headed back to her office. She had just enough time to catch her flight provided she didn't dawdle. Memory card in her bag, a last look round her office and she was ready to go. Rachel was the reason she was heading off and Rachel was the reason she didn't want to go. Cassie sighed as she wondered when or if she'd be back. Time for her brother to work his magic again.
Rachel was idly gazing out of the window rather than joining in the improvisation activity her group had been set. She watched the distant figure of Cassie hailing a cab and felt suddenly sad. She told herself to stop being so pathetic but the feeling of sadness persisted. She wasn't sure when she'd see Cassie again although quite how much that affected her was rather surprising. Rachel looked around her friends in the group. There was nobody here she could talk to about what had been going on and not being able to talk to anyone was part of what made this so hard. Rachel sighed, not Kurt, not her dads, none of her NYADA friends. It only really left Quinn, or heaven forbid Finn, to confide in. Another sigh and was that a tear? Rachel squared her shoulders. Right, she needed to talk to someone and the least bad option was Quinn. No, on reflection that was a really bad idea – it wasn't like they'd been best buddies forever and there was still a small part of her that expected Quinn to use the information to ridicule her. Stoic silence was the only option. Rachel took in a steadying breath. She was an adult not a teenager in desperate need of peer approval or validation of her own judgments. She just needed to up her workout regime and keep herself busy and avoid too much introspection. Out of sight, out of mind was the way forward. Maybe a weekend in Yale wasn't such a bad idea provided she steered clear of alcohol and the need to over share. The idea grew in popularity every time she thought about it. Settled then, she was Yale bound with a heavy heart and a seal on her lips. A trip away from New York and a chance to build on her friendship with Quinn – what could possibly go wrong with that?