Apologies for the delay but training for a new career in dental extraction would have been easier. Rather than wrestle with this any longer here's where I've got to ( thanks to the Anon requesting an update). Cheers to anyone sparing the time to review. Pace should pick up a bit next chapter
Rachel found it difficult to fall asleep that night, partly because of a need to re-live the conversation she'd had with Cassie several times, searching for nuanced meanings she might have missed and partly because just thinking about being held by Cassie and holding her caused her heart and thoughts to race. So many sensations to reconsider and meaningful exchanges and looks to ponder. She wondered whether a kiss would have made her sense of disbelief more or less acute. Finally she'd sneaked in to the living space and chosen a few flowers from the rather impressive bunch dominating the table to take back to her room. Now, when the sense of disbelief grew strong, she could just turn her head, glance at the flowers and wonder at her luck. Cassandra July had indeed turned up, uninvited on her doorstep to present her with flowers and request a much-anticipated dance.
She had toyed with her phone quite extensively, debating whether sending a text message so soon would smack of the desperate insecurity that she actually was suffering from. Rachel knew her obsessive need for reassurance and her clingy behaviour had put previous relationships under pressure but she couldn't quite believe that given the immense array of talent and beauty available at NYADA that Cassie would choose her. In her (admittedly limited) experience it wasn't how the world worked. Finn settled for her but spent his time regretting his mistakes with Quinn, comparing her unfavourably with her and trying to change her into something less...well, her. Why would a stunning experienced woman like Cassie even look at her twice? Never mind resign from a perfect job on the slight chance that Rachel might be interested in her. Rachel would then begin to doubt everything and suspect some kind of grand humiliation plan. There would be a moment of resignation then she would recall the way electricity seemed to fill the air between them as she and Cassie danced that tango. Now that kind of tension was impossible to feign. Cassie as an ex Broadway performer could no doubt turn the tears on and off at a moments notice so her tearful moments in their conversation could be treated with suspicion but the air positively vibrating with a tension that made goosebumps appear on your arms - well that couldn't be faked. But why her? Then Rachel's thumbs would hover over the keypad of her phone. Would one brief reassuring text be so bad? And if a text was okay why not a brief phonecall? Or maybe that would come across as a bit desperate...and then Rachel's thoughts would cycle round again. It was hours before exhaustion defeated her racing thoughts and she finally succumbed to sleep.
It would have greatly reassured Rachel if she could have seen into a certain dance teacher's Soho apartment. Cassie's euphoria that maybe, just maybe, for once in her life something was going to go her way lasted the cab ride home and an evening of Paul's good natured teasing. She kept the details sparse although her appearing with a bunch of flowers and requesting a dance seemed to provide Paul with ample comedy material. However once he'd retired to bed Cassie sat at the kitchen table sipping a glass of water and allowing the doubts to creep back in. Rachel was barely an adult, an incredibly talented and rather attractive 'barely adult' admittedly but surely their life experiences were so vastly different, their expectations from a possible relationship so widely divergent, that there was no possibility of whatever it was they were going for working out? Was it really sensible for her to throw away steady high status employment for a teenager who would eventually see her for the jaded bitter old woman she was? How long would it take for that youthful enthusiasm to become deadened by exposure to her well-worn cynicism? How long before someone else eminently more suitable with similar hopes and dreams and, more importantly, of a similar age captured Rachel's attention? When she went through their conversation she realised Rachel hadn't actually made any statements that demonstrated unequivocally an interest in something long term with Cassie. She'd initially suggested a one-night stand and, apart from later saying she wanted something more than that, it had been Cassie talking about feelings – Rachel worryingly hadn't volunteered anything back. Okay she'd asked for a hug and had teased Cassie a bit but beyond that she hadn't actually said anything about being attracted to her, liking her, wanting to be involved with her.
Her phone remained stubbornly silent. Cassie tried not to be disappointed - had she set some ground rules about not contacting each other? Would a 'sleep well' message really be so bad? She started and then deleted several different messages. She made an effort to change the direction of her thoughts from what hadn't happened to what had. Twenty-four hours ago she only had stolen moments from a class dance routine and a few friendly e-mails to rest her hopes on but now ...The memory of a gentle thumb stroking her back, the reassuring feel of Rachel's hands in hers, the heavenly sensation of a body pressed lightly against hers and a head resting on her shoulder were all vivid in her mind. It was all heart-warming stuff that made the last weeks of NYADA employment stretch out in a seemingly infinite manner in front of her. How was she going to be resilient enough to last all that time when she was finding just a few hours enough to plague her with doubts? Would it be harder or easier to see Rachel in her lessons practically everyday for the next month knowing she could look but not touch? It was late, she needed to be up early and reasonably coherent for the various viewings and meetings her brother had planned for the pair of them. She resolved that the first thing she'd do in the morning was text Rachel. Faint heart never won fair lady, or dark one for that matter, and the meek only inherited what no one else wanted. Feeling more secure now with a plan of action in mind she finally headed to bed, smiling at herself in the bathroom mirror on the way for the first time in ages.
Rachel eyed the rather beautiful flowers in front of her on the table as she munched thoughtfully on her cereal. She was aware of Kurt grinning at her as if he knew something he shouldn't and she had a momentary panic that Cassie had left a signed card amongst the flowers until the more sensible and awake part of her brain pointed out she'd been given not sent them. She still inspected the flowers carefully aware of Kurt watching her. As she smiled a cautious greeting at him – she didn't want to give the impression she wanted to talk about the flowers - her phone buzzed with a text.
Morning beautiful
It was enough to send her pulse racing and almost caused her to splutter on her mouthful of cereal. Kurt watched Rachel positively glow with happiness as she read the text. And there was him thinking Quinn didn't do early mornings.
You are beautiful and I'm going to keep telling you until you believe me and then I'll keep telling you because you believe me.
Rachel managed to resist the urge to squeal and settled for hugging her phone as a telltale tinge of red coloured her cheeks. She was speechless or rather textless, uncertain how she could possibly match that.
It's Cassie by the way
Rachel smiled. Of course it was, it was hardly as if she had a myriad of admirers sending her cute texts. She began to formulate a rather tame reply when her phone buzzed again.
I hope this is the right number.
This time Rachel laughed and, ignoring Kurt's inquisitive looks, began to hurriedly send a response.
A good morning to your lovely self, yes this is the right number and your messages have brightened my day immeasurably.
Rachel wouldn't have worried about what she considered to be a rather boring message if she'd seen the momentary relief and then face splitting smile of the recipient. She'd have been less impressed by the single finger gesture that Cassie immediately needed to direct her brothers way after his being sick impersonation. The gesture was short lived, as Cassie needed all her fingers to text.
And yours has just brightened mine - have a good day at college. Let's talk later :)
On receiving the reply Rachel's happiness quota raised another notch. She didn't think talk actually meant talk but at least it meant she could look forward to another exchange later in the day.
Look forward to it, have a good day too. R x
She knew the R wasn't needed but decided the x looked a bit odd on its own. Her heart raced at her audacity. She wasn't sexting was she?
Cassie gazed long and hard at the text. Probably that was just the usual way Rachel signed off all texts but given the lack of anything else to hold on to she was going to interpret it as an indication of Rachel liking her. Her brother asking her if he needed to confiscate her phone in order to get any sense out of her for the rest of the day was enough to snap her out of her Rachel centred thoughts. Well for the moment at least.
A distracted Rachel muddled her way through her lessons with her thoughts fixated on a song she wanted to perform and record. Sometimes when an idea took hold it was impossible to shake and nothing could be achieved until she'd at least acknowledged the idea. She spent her lunchtime calling in favours and sorting out a backing track with the help from some of the band. Once lessons finished she was busy trying various combinations of instruments for a backing track before settling on a stripped down acoustic guitar only. It was silly her spending so much time on a song that would only be heard by one person and that didn't count towards anything but she couldn't help herself. She might not be good at expressing her feelings in words - despite an extensive and she liked to think sophisticated vocabulary - but she was good at expressing herself through song. Rachel finally left NYADA with the song finished and her phone filled with increasingly terse texts from Kurt demanding to know exactly where she was. She hadn't realised it was quite so late. Headphones in, she made the journey home and tried to decide as she listened to her song whether she could send it without being too .. too whatever it was she usually was – clingy, needy, desperate. On arriving home she threw caution to the wind and sent her song in an email to Cassie along with a text
Look at your email. This is for you because I say things better through song. R x
Now the drive to do something had lifted and been replaced with the fear of rejection or ridicule.
Cassie was sprawled on the sofa waiting for Paul to return with takeout when the text came through from Rachel. When she realized an audio file had been attached she rolled off the sofa to retrieve her laptop despite having previously vowed not to move. Her feet ached from all the walking about she'd reluctantly done thanks to her brother's lack of appreciation about map scales. Cassie wasn't really sure what she expected as she finally opened up the audio file on her laptop but Rachel's very personal interpretation of 'I could have danced all night' wasn't it. She hadn't expected Rachel to be actually singing herself although when she thought about it it would have been stranger if she hadn't. She knew within a few words in that it was Rachel and the effect on her was just as powerful as it had been at the winter showcase. She closed her eyes as she played the song again allowing herself just to focus on the sound. Rachel had taken a well-known often-sung tune of excitement and managed to reinterpret it so that a hint of melancholia ran through it, an almost painful thread of disbelief provided a counterpoint to the upbeat lyrics. It captured perfectly the excitement mixed with trepidation of their current situation. Cassie was immediately reaching for her phone without even pausing for thought.
A slightly breathless Rachel answered after only a few rings.
"That was amazing," enthused Cassie.
Rachel released the breath she hadn't even realised she'd been holding and managed a rather shy "thanks"
"Was that an audition piece or something from your school days?" asked Cassie. It was obviously a carefully planned and rehearsed piece.
"Um no it was.. It was something I put together to day after college," said Rachel so softly that Cassie had to strain to hear her, "for you" finished Rachel almost apologetically.
There was a moment's silence as Cassie tried to understand what she was being told and Rachel wrestled with the fear of having done something wrong. It was Cassie's turn to be softly spoken
"No one's ever sung a song just for me before." Well, she hardly had a back catalogue of successful relationships to draw on and she didn't think she'd been involved with a singer before although if she couldn't remember names there was little hope of her remembering their professions. Maybe she'd had more than her fair share of insults to counter the lack of songs.
"You don't mind?" Rachel's question was hesitant as if fearing her response.
"No of course not," Cassie struggled to vocalise what she was feeling,"I'm touched," (possibly in the head said an inner snarky voice)," it makes me feel," she paused, maybe it was a little soon to be sharing how she really felt," makes me feel like I want to rush over there and hug you." She amended. A hug was the PG version of what she wanted to rush over and do.
"Please do," said Rachel hoping she didn't sound quite as pathetic as she feared she did. There was another pause as if Cassie was weighing up the feasibility of such a trip. The moment was broken by a somewhat forced laugh on Cassie's part.
"So tempting," she said softly before her tone became a little firmer, "Instead I'm going to focus on how waiting until I'm not your teacher is the right thing to do. Every time I waver in that I'm going to play this song to remind me of your prodigious talent."
"I didn't sing it to keep you away," mock grumped Rachel as she savoured the word prodigious in her head.
"No but at least I can extend my listening from 'Being good isn't good enough' and the now unseasonal 'Oh Holy Night,'" responded Cassie forcing a reluctant laugh from Rachel.
Cassie recounting her recording Rachel's winter showcase performances and then her mother thinking she was discovering religion because of her playing them late at night in her room followed, as Rachel bemoaned how poor said recordings must be and they both steered clear of the herd of elephants in the room by not discussing their post performance encounter. From here the conversation meandered into Rachel inadvertently revealing the link to more songs from her youth on her MySpace page. In return Cassie jokingly referred Rachel to the best of the various youtube clips dedicated to her downfall only to instantly regret it when Rachel's soft empathetic "oh Cassie" brought a lump to her throat. Their conversation covered college, Cassie's dance studio search and finally - with Kurt calling Rachel at one end of the phone and Paul insistent that Cassie's dinner was getting cold at the other - they finally managed, on the third attempt, to end the conversation.
Rachel sat on the sofa initially amused at Kurt implying he knew the identity of her flower giving not-so-secret admirer. She adeptly side stepped his questions about her returning home so late as just by being far too detailed in her response about what she'd actually been doing meant Kurt lost interested before she needed to reveal what song she was working on. However he wasn't so easily moved on from his musings about expensive bouquets of flowers and the rather small pool of potential Rachel admirers. She really didn't need him pointing out the dearth of candidates for a 'fancies Rachel' short list. Her amusement at his cluelessness ceased abruptly and the smile instantly disappeared from her lips once an insufferably smug Kurt began his impression of a psychic. He had started by closing his eyes and massaging his temples before saying
"I can see ..it's a woman...a blonde woman." It was rather perturbing to realise that Kurt had a fall back career of charlatan psychic.
Rachel, although mildly perturbed by this, had hidden it well with a sarcastic - or her best attempt at sarcastic, as it was a tone she found difficult to master -
"Amazing Kurt you've narrowed it down to 20% of the population."
Kurt was unperturbed at her scepticism and with a bit of over acting added
" She's older than you."
Rachel felt her amusement begin to drain as Kurt opened his eyes to grin at her. It was too easy to read Rachel he thought before closing his eys again again and adding
"Oh and she used to disguise her feelings by picking on you."
Rachel was trying hard to disguise her panic. Maybe not such a charlatan after all. How could Kurt possibly know? He was now grinning at her, reveling in her inability to hide her discomfort. Fear was beginning to seep through her as her mind raced to calculate the dire consequences of Kurt knowing about Cassie before her employment at NYADA had ended. How did he know her inner voice wailed? What had she done wrong? Were Cassie and her going to be over before they even started? Could Kurt be trusted to keep a secret? – daft question, of course not. Her thoughts raced faster than her heartbeat. Fortunately Kurt was so keen to show off his insight that Rachel was only left on the edge of terrified for moments before he felt compelled to add
"I'm seeing Pom-poms, an ex-cheerleader perhaps?"
Her laughter was slightly too loud as she struggled to disguise the extent of her relief. Kurt was obviously under the rather absurd misapprehension that Quinn was her secret admirer. Rachel grinned at him, suddenly genuinely amused. Kurt had a brief moment of doubt before reminding himself about the worry he'd seen on her face at 'blonde', 'older' and 'picking on her'. She'd pulled herself together by the mention of pom-poms so maybe the NYADA acting lessons were having an impact.
" My lips are sealed," Rachel assured him," flowers to brighten the apartment is my story and I'm sticking to it."
Kurt smiled back," I give you a week, tops before you crack and need to reveal all."
Rachel's confident smile contradicted his prediction. She began humming 'Once I had a secret love' as she headed to her room. She could keep a secret for four weeks, no problem.
It was very late by the time Cassie accessed Rachel's MySpace page to watch a painfully earnest, yet still endearing, younger Rachel sing her heart out. It was an eclectic mix of genres with a high proportion of standard Broadway classics, numerous Barbra numbers and then pop songs that spanned the decades. Rachel sang them all with the same gravitas from an emotionally draining 'my man' to a bubble gum pop 'oh ah just a little bit'. Somehow her total emotional investment in whatever the song never veered into ridiculousness. She switched effortlessly from a painful vulnerability on some tunes to a knowing playful coquettishness on others without the quality of the singing ever diminishing. Cassie wondered briefly whether her feelings were clouding her judgment before concluding that wasn't the case because she could recognise that Rachel was wearing some of the most hideous outfits she'd ever seen. Although admittedly there was something oddly engaging about the prim knee high socks paired with an almost indecently short skirt and topped off with some absolutely horrific blouse or jumper that demanded to be declared illegal. She'd need to know Rachel a lot better before she teased her about her those.
When Cassie turned her attention to the comments she was expecting fulsome praise about the singing, maybe some teasing about the clothes and suggestions for future songs. Instead she was shocked to read vicious, spiteful attacks unrelated to the performances. The mildest suggesting Rachel should be sterilised and the more extreme referencing why her mother abandoned her and directing homophobic abuse at her family. Cassie sat stunned, staring at the screen in disbelief. She wanted to race round and hug Rachel tightly but it was extremely late and any hurt caused by these comments was inflicted a long while ago although maybe the damage was longer lasting. The hate campaign seemed to be spearheaded by a 'Sky Splitz' who had managed to comment on every single video. For someone who professed to hate everything about Rachel they seemed to spend an awful lot of their time commenting on absolutely every single song Rachel had uploaded, sometimes more than once. Cassie's anger also managed to include a little irritation at Rachel for not deleting these comments and for inadvertently leading her to see them. Why hadn't she deleted these comments rather than leaving them there for others to read. Although Cassie had heard Rachel briefly mention the relentless bullying at high school seeing these comments in black and white just made the whole thing far more real. It also forced Cassie to think about all the various names and remarks she'd directed Rachel's way in the brief time she'd known her. She tried to reassure herself that her comments had not crossed the line in the same way these vitriolic highly personalised attacks did, but she knew their office encounter contradicted that argument. So instead she sat as the laptop screen became blurry as her tears of regret? shame? guilt? clouded her vision. Rachel deserved so much better than she had to offer. Maybe she should step aside for the Yale wonder kid Quinn? Cassie headed to bed in a pensive mood. She was tired. Everything would look different in the morning. Maybe.