I've no idea why it's such a challenge to translate the ideas in my head into written word - so thanks for your patience with me. Cheers to reviewers; it might not seem like it but it does keep me on task! Apologies for any errors, there's only so many times I can bear to read this through...
Rachel's anticipation for this moment had been nearly unbearable. As she tried to stride confidently down the corridor towards the dance studio her insides were churning and her thoughts were racing. NYADA jungle drums had been full all morning of the news; Cassandra July was back and looking to feast on the fear of freshmen. Rachel fought to rein in her excitement; discretion was the name of the game. Or it was until she entered the room and was suddenly frozen to the spot as her eyes desperately drank in the vision in front of her. Cassie was wearing her usual figure hugging black dance outfit with her blonde hair loose in a tussled effect. Rachel stood motionless as her classmates bumped into her, surprised by her sudden halt in the doorway. Their complaints or apologies were drowned out by the thundering of Rachel's heart. It was Lydia's gentle tugging on her hand along with her whispered," Don't worry we've got your back" that finally snapped Rachel out of it. She hastily dropped her bag on the seat and begun her warm ups determinedly avoiding having Cassie in her eye line. The cartoon version of this encounter would have her eyes out on stalks, heart beating out of her chest and body in the air and drawn as if by a magnetic force towards Cassie. Fortunately she could hide just how profound the effect of Cassie's proximity on her was. Rachel allowed herself a quick peak at her teacher - the effect on her system was as strong if not stronger than when she first walked in the room all those months ago. Or more accurately since that moment Cassie crawled towards her mid-dance and she realised her sexuality was more fluid than she thought. Rachel was suddenly doubtful about surviving one lesson of this, never mind four weeks. Cassie momentarily catching her gaze and her almost imperceptible eyebrow raise was the only acknowledgement of what interactions had preceded that day's lesson. Rachel licked her dry lips; now to put all those acting lessons to good use.
Cassie's eyes swept over her students who were practically standing to attention in front of her after she'd called them away from their warm ups. No welcoming smiles, just hints of fear and resentment on their faces - bar Rachel who's attempt at a neutral expression could only be described as an unsuccessful cross between a cat who got the cream and a startled by headlights rabbit. Still, if that were the only sight of Rachel she was going to get all day, she'd take it. Cassie swung her stick behind her shoulders and sauntered along the line of nervous students in a parody of a general inspecting her troops. Maybe there was a fallback career option in the army for her.
"Sorry to disappoint Michael, but I haven't been fired for alcoholism," drawled Cassie. She couldn't decide whether his shock was because she used his first name rather than 'beefcake' or if it was because she knew what he'd been saying about her during her absence. The rising red on his face and neck was all the response she required. It was perhaps a little unfair that she'd found out from Rachel who had said what in her absence.
"Nor, Tamara, have I been drafted in to play all parts in the Mean Girls sequel 'bitchy women'," said Cassie evenly, gratified to note Tamara was close to collapsing from embarrassment. Such a herd follower, she'd be lucky to make the chorus line of some third rate show.
"In fact rumours that I'm abroad servicing all our brave troops in Afghanistan, and not just with my dancing." Cassie stopped in front of Julian pleased to note he was unable to meet her eye," are merely the product of a rather misogynistic imagination aren't they Julian?"
The silence was uncomfortable and, as Cassie sauntered along the students' occasionally stopping and making as if to speak before carrying on, the tension mounted. Rachel was looking awkward but for a different reason. She hadn't realised Cassie would actually use the information she'd inadvertently provided her. She'd just been countering the far more vicious suggestions that Cassie had made, albeit in a jokey manner, with the truth. Although her classmates deserved being called out on what they said she still felt uncomfortable about it.
Cassie walked to the front and broke the silence by thumping her stick on the ground.
"So, let's see if you've devoted as much time in my absence to your dancing as you have to your salacious, inventive and amazingly inaccurate gossiping.." and with that Cassie put them through their paces with a strenuous routine. No one dared catch anyone else's eye even if they were desperate to talk about the incongruity of Cassie using their actual names rather than the nicknames they'd grown accustomed to. When Cassie called the rehearsal to a halt only a handful of students were able to remain standing, all of them from the group Rachel had cajoled and bullied into working with her during Ms Fairweather's sessions. Cassie stood, barely out of breath and without a hair out of place as she surveyed the carnage around her.
"In my absence I can only suppose that the majority of you were slacking off." Her contemptuous gaze swept the more exhausted class members. "While I was away perfecting a variety of dance routines," here the sweat free Cassie managed a surreptitious wink at Rachel - Rachel nearly laughed as the One direction routine sprang to mind - " you've been.. well, over-exercising your mouths and under exercising your bodies."
Cassie paused to fit in a rueful shaking of her head; "Unless there are plans for a musical adaption of Dumbo for the stage in the next few years you'll all be having careers waiting tables. Your ears might suit you for the part Adrian but your dancing isn't up to that of playing the role of an elephant. You're not nearly graceful enough."
Cassie's eyes swept the class again. Everyone was just waiting, almost eagerly, for the obligatory Rachel put down. After all, Cassie had brought up Dumbo so surely she'd be drawing a parallel between the size of Rachel's nose and that of an elephant's trunk and knowing Cassie it wouldn't be in a way that favoured Rachel. The moment passed. Cassie had a final gaze around the room before heading for the exit being careful to keep her eyes away from Rachel. She wasn't sure how much more self-restraint she could display in the face of such extreme provocation - that top that allowed glimpses of tanned abs and those clingy shorts were leaving little to the imagination. If she 'd thought she could get away with it she'd have added a handstand into the routine just to see if the top would slide down to reveal a glimpse of Rachel's no doubt lacy bra. God, when did she turn into a teenage boy? As she walked down the corridor she could hear the classroom explode into sound behind her. Cassie smiled; she was back and exceeding everyone's expectations.
Lessons continued in a similar vein for the next few days. Cassie called everyone by their first names and made minimal personal remarks, preferring instead to focus on aspects of performance that didn't quite reach her stringent standards. Beyond prolonged eye contact, the briefest glancing touches and the odd word of advice on improvement, Cassie and Rachel's interactions in the classroom were minimal. It wasn't quite the same outside the walls of NYADA. A daily morning text greeted Rachel, always commenting on her beauty. Every evening they had long chats on the phone catching up on each other's day. Rachel had taken the opportunity to discuss why Cassie quoting information she'd given her in confidence was so unsettling. What if her peers realised Rachel was the source? Cassie had, to Rachel's surprise, quickly apologised for putting her in a potentially awkward situation. Rachel, who was used to her feelings or fears being trivialised by her previous partners, felt her affection for Cassie increase further.
There was even one aborted attempt at Skype-ing before Cassie's technical incompetence and Kurt's nosiness thwarted their efforts – not that Rachel had many complaints when Cassie's attempts to fix her in built laptop camera had provided a lot of unintended cleavage shots. She'd laughed at Cassie's increasing irritation, resisted the urge to make some quip about old people and technology, before calming her by providing her version of what she'd seen during Cassie's first aid attempt on her camera. Kurt's inherent nosiness meant once technical issues were resolved, a jumpy Rachel abruptly cut off contact when he suddenly appeared in her room and she'd slammed her laptop shut. They'd agreed after that that phone calls were just less hazardous to their health.
On Thursday Rachel had returned to find yet another tasteful bunch of flowers had been delivered to the flat in her absence and the similarity in the choice of blooms left little room for doubt in Rachel's mind of who had sent them. Kurt however had been unable to contain his curiosity and his blurted, someone frustrated, 'there isn't even a card" had been enough for Rachel's smile to grow wider. She wasn't sure whether her enjoyment at Kurt's obvious irritation at being kept out of the loop made her a bad person. The thought was merely fleeting; she needed to make a call to purr her gratitude to the woman who was currently doing an excellent job of maling her feel incredibly special as well as incredibly sexually frustrated. Rachel's knowledge was admittedly limited on that actual logistics of what two women would do in bed but that didn't deter her rather fevered imagination giving it its best shot particularly as she lay in bed at night still in a state of mild disbelief about recent events. A dominant demanding Cassie in the dance studio was currently her fantasy of choice, the risk of being caught somehow giving the imagined encounter more of an edge.
Finally, at the end of the college day on Friday and with the prospect of a weekend free of Cassie sightings, Rachel found herself heading towards Cassie's dance studio without any particular purpose in mind. Her purposeful stride gave way to a hesitant walk as she neared the permanently open door of the studio. A conversation raged in her head. An annoyed voice insisted she'd agreed not to see Cassie outside lessons for the next few weeks whilst a gentler more manipulative voice insisted there was nothing wrong with her wanting to catch a glimpse of her...teacher? Secret admirer? Potential love interest? Girlfriend? Despite their numerous and long conversations they'd never actually defined what they were to each other. Should she be worried about that? Surely asking someone to be your girlfriend was immature high school behaviour? Cassie hadn't really said anything specific. In fact they were the modern day equivalents of pen pals just with additional bunches of flowers and songs thrown in. Rachel was beginning to think her slowed down acapella version of "I will wait' probably needed the disclaimer attached of 'if I don't die of sexual frustration first'. Her train of thought was disrupted by her walking into the studio and realising that Cassie was in fact there. Rachel's racing heart and suddenly dry mouth meant her ability to speak was momentarily impeded.
Cassie looked up from the pages scattered on the table in front of her when she heard the footsteps entering her room cease. A stunned looking Rachel was gaping at her seemingly in a state of shock. Cassie was immediately concerned and had taken an involuntary step forward even as she managed to speak
"Rachel," concern laced her voice," Are you okay?"
"Oh yes I um it's just," replied Rachel dragging her eyes away from Cassie to focus on her nervous clasping and unclasping hands.
"It's just?" prompted Cassie gently, heart hammering in her chest. Was Rachel giving up on them already? Had someone said something?
"It's just I wanted to see you one more time before the weekend," Rachel was so softly spoken that Cassie had to lean forward to hear her words. She didn't dare close the gap between them, as the urge to hug Rachel was almost overwhelming. Cassie also tried to hide her immense relief. Experienced women of the world she reminded herself.
"I'm glad you popped in so I could see you too," reassured Cassie. Rachel's gaze rose from her hands to meet Cassie's eyes. Her hesitant step forward caused Cassie's heart to begin racing again.
"Could we, would you just hug me? Just briefly, just for a moment?" asked Rachel softly. Cassie groaned.
"Rachel we agreed," she replied, knowing the tiniest amount of persuasion was needed for her resolve to crumble.
"No-one would know," pleaded Rachel braving a small step forward as Cassie took a hesitant step back.
"We'd know," Cassie was even less convincing," Look Rachel this really isn't fair.."
Cassie's gaze switched to something behind Rachel before she added, " Well at least promise me you'll think about it. The Winter Showcase winner performing would mean a lot to me and make the whole event bearable."
Rachel's bewildered expression was adorable but quickly disappeared as Cassie continued with, " So Carmen, to what do I owe the pleasure?"
Rachel spun round so fast she nearly lost her balance. If Cassie had succumbed to Rachel's request then Carmen would have caught them mid-hug or who knows, maybe doing something even more incriminating like kissing. Somehow Rachel doubted she could carry off Puck's well used response from school of "I was helping her look for her chewing gum.' The massive fallout that would have resulted had Carmen caught her and Cassie …well it didn't bear thinking about.
Carmen briefly acknowledged a pale slightly scared looking Rachel before focussing her attention on Cassie.
"I was coming down to see if you'd changed your mind about refusing a farewell gathering on your last day although if you're asking Rachel to perform.."Carmen smiled happily switching her gaze between the two women. There was an awkwardness in the air that Carmen couldn't quite place. Her smile faded slightly, "Unless I've misunderstood.."
"No, no" Cassie hastily over compensated to give Rachel a moment to catch up on the conversation,'' If you can persuade Rachel to sing then I'm happy to agree to a farewell do. At the moment she's proving reluctant to show off her talents."
Rachel could see Cassie smirking as Carmen's attention switched to her.
"In that case," Carmen's voice was warm and friendly, "Rachel if you explain to me the reason for your hesitancy maybe I can allay your concerns?"
"Well," prevaricated Rachel as she desperately racked her brains for a reason to turn down the request to sing. It was just so far out of her realm of experience, why would anyone turn down the opportunity to showcase their talents? Cassie's smirk was widening as the moments passed and she still couldn't think of a reason," I ..um.." Rachel delayed further.
"Carmen if I may interject," a sincere Cassie offered,' but I think it might be because Rachel has strong feelings about me," Rachel's surprised gasp rather reinforced her point. "She doesn't particularly like me." Cassie hurried on before dropping her voice and adding regretfully," In fact I think she might even hate me."
Carmen's glance at Rachel coincided with her suddenly flushing bright red, which Carmen wrongly interpreted as confirmation of Cassie's suggestion.
"And although I can't say I'm not disappointed or even a little hurt," continued Cassie as she put her hand to her chest and pulled a pained expression. Rachel's narrowed eyes were enough to warn her she was pushing her luck," I just don't think that's a reason to deprive others of the opportunity to watch her perform."
Carmen could feel in her bones that something was off but Rachel's glare at Cassie hardly contradicted what she was being told. Cassie's smile was perhaps a little wider than it should have been but then Cassie smiled so rarely it was hard to make a definitive judgement with so little data to work on. Better instead to focus on the task in hand, Rachel. It was time for her to offer the wisdom of her years as a performer to the potential star in front of her. Personal feelings needed to be pushed aside if one was going to have a successful career, like she'd had, in the entertainment business. She'd smiled so many times at people she disliked over the years that she'd almost trained her face into thinking that was the appropriate response. Hide of an elephant, the patience of a saint and more faces than a dodecahedron – never mind talent, looks and the ability to smile at people you detested - these were all minimum requirements for a shot at success.. Perhaps she should be the one to clue Rachel in.,
"Rachel, why don't we retire to my office for a brief chat over a cup of tea?" said Carmen as she headed to the door. Rachel knew it was an instruction not a request. Brevity wasn't a quality usually associated with Carmen sharing her experiences as a performer.
" I hate you," she muttered to Cassie as she headed after Carmen.
"That's what I said," grinned Cassie managing to fit blowing a kiss into the moment when Rachel glanced her way before leaving the room. If she were going to be stuck with a leaving party that she really didn't want then at least Rachel performing would sweeten the whole experience.
Rachel was lying on her bed Skyping with a slightly down Quinn when Cassie's usual 'Is now a good time to call?' text came through. Rachel's conversation with Quinn didn't falter even as she texted back suggesting a delay of half an hour. She was pleased she could disguise the fact that seeing a Cassie text always caused a thrill to run through her. Her smugness would have evaporated immediately had she realised how badly she had under estimated Quinn's expertise in reading her body language. Any idiot would have noticed the sudden face splitting grin and twinkle in the eye as Rachel checked her phone but less than a handful of people - in fact maybe only one person, who had been conducting an intensive undercover field study on the Berry phenomena for years - would have realised Rachel using her right hand to sweep some of her hair unnecessarily behind her right ear accompanied by a small momentary smile of disbelief, was an indication of someone Rachel liked actually returning her interest. Quinn had been trying to provoke that reaction for a while now.
"So," Quinn said conversationally keeping her tone light," who was that on the phone?"
"Oh, that was er," Rachel couldn't believe how easily she was knocked off balance. If only there was a Subterfuge 101 class that she could take and retake and retake. "Just someone from NYADA." Despite her thumping heart Rachel managed a nonchalant tone with a throwaway hand gesture to reinforce the message. Quinn waited patiently, because Rachel always struggled not to fill a silence.
"You wouldn't know them," blurted Rachel trying not to face palm at the idiocy of the statement. Of course Quinn wouldn't know them, she was in New Haven for goodness sake. Quinn raised an inquisitive eyebrow but this time Rachel resisted the urge to plunge in conversationally.
"Do 'they' have a name?" Quinn prompted watching Rachel shift nervously on the screen in front of her.
"Um yes, of course," Rachel laughed unconvincingly,"It's...um...Sandra." she couldn't quite hold Quinn's gaze even if she was telling a partial truth.
Quinn quickly recovered from the fact it was a female name and launched her next question while Rachel was still off balance and looking a little uncomfortable. Suddenly Quinn was desperate to know everything about this Sandra.
"A new love interest?" asked Quinn
"Um, no I'm focussing on my studies," lied Rachel eyes fixed on her laptop keyboard.
Another extended silence as Rachel bit her lip to resist the urge to confess everything.
"So is this Sandra in one of your classes?" Quinn eventually asked.
"Oh yes," Rachel replied with relief now on firmer truthful territory, "She's in my dance class."
It was Quinn's turn to be stumped. Rachel rarely discussed her dance class so she had little to go on to try and keep the conversation flowing. If Kurt hadn't mentioned it on her last visit she wouldn't even know Rachel had a dance class apart from the fact it had to be a staple for an academy of dramatic arts. For all Rachel's verbosity somewhere between Lima and New York (or Finn fixation and adulthood) she had learned not to discuss what was really important to her. Sometimes Quinn felt the more Rachel said, the less she actually knew about what was going on for her emotionally. Rachel's silences spoke volumes but she'd only recently begun to realise that. The moment had passed and as Rachel began asking her about her Yale activities she knew she'd have to chat to Kurt if she wanted further information. Rachel's phone interrupted their conversation and that smile was back.
'Catch up with you later Quinn?" asked Rachel waving her phone about. Quinn kept her disgruntlement about being abandoned so Rachel could converse with Sandra to herself. Maybe now was an ideal time to contact Kurt and wheedle information out of him.
So while Cassie fought to keep her irritation that Rachel had been skypeing with wonder kid Quinn under control – skypeing or Quinn she might be able to handle, but both was severely testing her – Quinn was phoning Kurt.
"Sorry to interrupt your conversation with, what was your friend's name again?'' asked Cassie in a deceptively casual tone.
"Quinn,' offered Rachel, 'and we were just finishing" Cassie's relief was short lived, " Besides we usually Skype a few times each week" added Rachel helpfully in a bid to stop Cassie feeling bad about interrupting the conversation.
"She must be a good friend." Floated Cassie.
"Well, we're working on it," replied Rachel
"A fellow Glee club member from school?" asked Cassie and Rachel was immediately chuffed that Cassie was showing an interest in her non-NYADA friends.
" Oh Quinn's more than that, she's amazing. Captain of the cheer leaders, Valedictorian – although I think that was a mistake and should have been me but my demand for an investigation was overruled - scholarship to Yale.." Rachel allowed pride at all Quinn had achieved to seep into her voice," and beautiful too."
Cassie wished she hadn't asked. Of course Rachel would hold in high esteem anyone who was a friend during her bullying at school and cyber bullying out of school. Cassie had yet to discuss this matter with Rachel because she felt it needed a face to face conversation in a safe environment and she also needed to have made amends about her own behaviour.
Rachel reran her words in the momentary silence that followed.
"Not as beautiful as you of course," Rachel amended but it was too late to undo the seeds of doubt that had taken root in Cassie's mind even as she replied a jokey "Of course" to Rachel.
The conversation lightened as Rachel recounted her conversation with Carmen, forced on her by Cassie's teasing. Cassie's apology was anything but contrite although her amusement lessened when a serious Rachel shared Carmen's advice of putting her strong feelings about Cassie aside. Fortunately Rachel's pretense of carefully considering that advice was shortlived. She had perfect recall of the name dropping that had accompanied Carmen's tales of who she really couldn't stand in the entertainment circles she moved in, much to Cassie's amusement. Rachel had eventually agreed to perform at Cassie's leaving event but had failed to persuade Carmen that Cassie needed to perform the dance routine she'd been working on during her absence from NYADA. Cassie had laughed partly with relief before a slightly more serious conversation followed on why Cassie was so reluctant to have a leaving do. She eventually shared her fears that no-one would want to come to see her off, staff or students - it was hardly as if she would ever have won a popularity contest at NYADA in all her time there. She listened to Rachel's spirited defence of her methods and glowing description of her talents feeling her affection for the young woman grow. Rachel's rose tinted view of her might not be shared by many if any of her students past or present but it didn't stop her feeling that having someone standing up for her was something she could get used to.
Quinn's attempted conversation with Kurt was equal parts infuriating and uninformative. His insistance that if she didn't have anything she wanted to share ' and honestly Quinn Fabray bare in mind how terrible Rachel is at keeping secrets' then he didn't have anything he wanted to share. His smug knowing air was still irritating even over the phone. She couldn't care less about his highly attuned Gaydar and his reflections on the usefulness of Finn as a smokescreen. In fact once suitably exasperated by his vague insinuations she'd asked him directly what it was he thought he knew. It had stopped Kurt in his tracks. He'd stumbled and fumbled over his words briefly before drawing to a silence. Quinn seized the opportunity to ask about Rachel's 'new friend Sandra'. She couldn't tell whether his curt ' never heard of her' and other statements of ignorance were due to his annoyance with her or because he genuinely didn't know anything. The conversation ended with both sides feeling dissatisfied. Kurt was annoyed Quinn didn't just give up on all the secrecy rather than treating him like an idiot and as for all this Sandra nonsense...
By the time Monday rolled round Rachel was almost relieved to see the back of the weekend. Kurt had been grumpy and permanently annoyed with her for the entire weekend and she hadn't been able to ascertain why. At one point he'd asked her to name all the female students in her dance class based on a highly suspect recollection of a conversation he'd had with some girl who wanted him to pass on her regards. The fact Kurt couldn't describe anything about the girl and, even more suspiciously, couldn't remember what she'd been wearing – seriously, like Mr Fashion Police had 'forgotten'… he could name every outfit Rachel had ever worn to sing any song she named - it would have worried Rachel if she could have seen a reason why he'd want to lie. In between the classmate conversations 'maybe her name had begun with an S?' he'd been making pointed remarks about her and Quinn underestimating his emotional intelligence and scowling at the flowers on the table. She was quite happy not to up her emotional intelligence if doing so meant interacting with flora in the manner he was doing.
Meanwhile Quinn had been putting her under pressure to name a weekend when they'd next see each other and she'd been fobbing her off with increasingly pathetic excuses. Partly because she felt shark Quinn could smell blood in the water around her vagueness about 'Sandra' and she didn't want to be subjected to a fullscale Fabray interrogation and partly because an overly optimistic side of her still hoped Cassie would maybe arrange to meet her away from NYADA, say at Cassie's apartment? Besides Kurt and Quinn meeting up didn't bear thinking about so if she was going to see Quinn it would have to be on Quinn's territory and being in New Haven would put her at a massive disadvantage. Then there was that odd vibe from Cassie about Quinn as she tried to put words in Rachel's mouth about how amazingly talented her best friend from school was. Did she have a boyfriend or was she interested in girls? If Cassie hadn't been such an experienced woman of the world Rachel would have thought she was jealous. Instead she upped her Cassie compliments, avoided mentions of Quinn whenever possible and decided once everything was out in the open she'd need to organise a meeting between the pair of them. She was sure they'd get along famously with so many personality traits in common.
To top it all off, her Dads had been in touch and overly inquisitive about her love life - or rather their perception that she didn't have one. All their well meaning platitudes of 'the show must go on' 'getting back on the horse' and 'don't hide your light under a bushel' had been almost as irritating as their well meant advice on how to meet suitable boyfriend material i.e.'a nice young man'. The fact she wasn't interested in finding a boyfriend and that her perspective girlfriend didn't meet, in their eyes, any of the criteria they'd outlined as Rachel's ideal partner (nice, young or man) only made the distance between them seem greater than ever. She had no idea of when or how she would broach the topic of her current romantic interest, she just knew it would be a while away. Rachel found herself retreating into distraction provided by researching the ideal song for Cassie's fast approaching leaving party and for the rest of her time wishing the weekend away. She spared a glance at the flowers on the table as she headed out the door. A big plus with weekdays was that she'd get to see Cassie even if it was only from afar. Just over a week into the whole shenanigans and she was struggling to keep up with what piece of misinformation she'd fed to whom. Obviously a career in espionage was off the cards. Still, there were now only three weeks left of Cassie's employment at NYADA and things could only go more smoothly and become easier from here right? She had a feeling this was going to be a good week.