Massive thanks to Eyghon for the fabulous proof reading - if there are any errors it'll be me and the iPad not getting along. Thanks reviewers, it might not seem like it but it does spur me on!
Quinn was reluctant to release Rachel from the hug she had her in to let her return to whatever it was that had caused her to suddenly seek sanctuary with Quinn in New Haven. She wanted to just hold and be held by Rachel forever - that wasn't too much to ask was it? She'd spent the past few days internally debating the wisdom of actually letting Rachel know how she felt but deep down she knew the timing was just so wrong. Rachel was in a fragile state despite her efforts to present a facade to the contrary and although Quinn didn't know what or who - disappointment in love and Sandra were her best guesses - had led Rachel to run to her, she knew comfort was what was being sought. Maybe not the type of comfort she was keen to offer but her moment would come. Now was not the time to spring on Rachel the surprise of her attraction to her. Even if that sad face of Rachel made her heart swell with affection and the temptation to try and hug and kiss her to a better place was almost overwhelming. She was able to restrict herself to hugs although iron willpower was required not to then run her hands through those dark locks or hold Rachel tightly against her and dare to move her hands away from the safety zone of Rachel's mid back. Quinn just needed to wait a suitable amount of time, a few weeks maybe?, and then she promised herself she'd be visiting New York to finally confess her feelings to this wonderful woman currently snuggled in her embrace.
The hug ended abruptly as Rachel pulled away to look at her vibrating phone and then reject the call. Their brief time together had been punctuated by rejected phone calls. The frequency had diminished from a frantic every five to ten minutes on that Thursday evening to roughly once every half an hour. Quinn had determinedly refrained from commenting about it, the pair of them had both studiously ignored the phone calls, pretending they weren't happening. The one time the phone had rung whilst Rachel was in the shower Quinn had itched to answer it, desperate to find out what was going on. Somehow she didn't think screaming "what the fuck did you do?" at whoever was on the other end of the phone would have helped even if it would have made her feel a little better. The opportunity passed as Rachel, clad only in a towel, snatched the phone from the table and with her best attempt at stony-faced indifference rejected the call. You didn't need to know Rachel well to see the pain she was trying hard to hide. On that occasion Rachel had returned to the shower only to emerge suspiciously red-eyed sometime later. She had waved away Quinn's "is everything okay?" with a far too cheery and adamant "yes of course, why wouldn't it be?" Quinn had to bite back the urge to list all the reasons why everything obviously wasn't okay starting with that insincere smile.
"They're very persistent," commented Quinn nodding at the phone still held in Rachel's hand. She felt like a bit of a bully as Rachel's eyes immediately became teary.
"Ummm," croaked Rachel in reply as she hastily slid her phone into her pocket. Quinn had been true to her word about not pushing Rachel to talk for the entire duration of her visit. It seemed odd she wanted to mention it now just when Rachel was about to board the train back to NYC.
"It just feels like there's unfinished business going on at the moment and maybe you need a conversation for closure," ventured Quinn hesitantly.
"I don't want to talk about it," whispered Rachel with a wobble in her voice.
"I know Rach," soothed Quinn reaching out to stroke Rachel's cheek, "but maybe you need to. At least think about it. I'm here if you need me. I can be with you within two hours. Whatever you want."
"You're a good friend Quinn," managed an emotional Rachel as she suddenly hugged Quinn tightly.
"And you're a beautiful, talented woman who so deserves to be happy," responded Quinn just wishing she could be the one Rachel would be happy with, "Anyway you need to board the train unless you want to wait another hour to catch the next one."
Rachel reluctantly released her grip on Quinn. Much as she wanted to continue to avoid facing up to what was bothering her she knew she needed to return.
"Thanks Quinn, you've been great," Rachel said sincerely as she turned in the doorway of the train.
"Glad to be of service," grinned Quinn before adding timidly after a furious debate in her head. "It's just...well...running away isn't an answer."
"I'd like to think of this weekend as more of a time out or a tactical retreat," replied Rachel before noting Quinn's worried look, "I'll be okay. If necessary I'll channel Santana."
Quinn laughed at the image in her head of Rachel going all Lima Heights with perfectly enunciated street talk. Suddenly reality was even stranger.
"Yo sis don't youse laugh at me, I haz razor blades in here," said Rachel indicating her hair as she moved her head from side to side in an exaggerated attitudinal manner. Quinn burst into loud laughter at the incongruity of the vision before her.
"Promise me," Quinn gasped trying to breathe through her amusement, "you'll take lessons from Santana before attempting that again."
Rachel mock pouted. She had managed to make Quinn laugh which would make the goodbye less sad. The train was on the verge of leaving so with a smile and a wave Rachel made her way to a seat.
Quinn waved as the train pulled away feeling a mix of emotions. Her phone distracted her with a new text from Rachel
Shame we didn't have time for me to channel HBIC Quinn Fabray for you :)
Quinn texted a reply wondering whether deleting texts had become an automatic reaction in Rachel and so hers was destined never to be read.
Careful, you don't want me breaking out the sexy librarian chic look to aid my channeling of you ;)
The speedy response to that was enough of a reassurance that Rachel hadn't developed a Pavlovian-like delete response to texts…yet
Maybe next time. Thanks again, I really appreciated your company.
Quinn sighed wondering whether the time would ever be right for her to reveal how she really felt.
No problem, it was my pleasure. Let me know when you're safely home.
Will do xxx
Quinn smiled at her handset. For now she'd just have to settle for those hypothetical kisses.
Rachel put in her earphones, chose her chilled playlist and closed her eyes. Her sudden trip away had merely pressed a pause button on all the things she didn't want to deal with and was now heading back into the middle of. She tiptoed around the edge of just what all that was and instead decided to reflect on her weekend. Quinn had met her at the station and they'd had a quiet late night meal in a companionable silence interrupted only by the frequent vibrating of her phone. Quinn's raised eyebrow and a look from the phone to her was the closest she came to asking Rachel about what was going on, That first inquisitive eyebrow raise had had her shifting uncomfortably in her seat and asserting "I meant it when I said I didn't want to talk about it." Quinn had reached forward to gently place her hand on Rachel's and said softly, "okay. If you change your mind I'm here." That had been when she was most tempted to share her pain but the moment quickly passed. She balked at just how much background would be needed to set recent events in context and she wasn't ready to receive sympathy or pity on just how easily she'd been played.
Quinn had skipped lectures the next day in order for them to take a train to Newport for a walk recommended by one of Quinn's friends. It was an invigorating cliff top walk to 'blow the cobwebs away' although such was the wind it was lucky only cobwebs were dislodged. The views had been amazing even if there was a chill in the air. They'd sat huddled on a bench eating the lunches they prepared, listening to the roar of the waves and being buffeted by the wind. It had been an inspired choice of activity and Rachel had sat on the train back feeling rejuvenated and just all round happier. Maybe leaving her phone at Quinn's had helped. That evening she'd opted to see a movie with Quinn rather than going out with a group of Quinn's friends. It was a sci-fi action blockbuster - not her usual choice of genre but, as Quinn had pointed out, there was nothing like the possible destruction of Earth to put your life in perspective. To no-one's surprise, the earth was saved by a small ethnicly diverse band of misfits triumphing over the odds in a fearless wisecracking style. Quinn had pitched the movie idea of their Glee club saving Earth against a violent, seemingly unstoppable race of aliens whose only weakness was a susceptibility to perfectly harmonised singing or maybe a top F causing instant destruction on a molecular level. They'd chosen harmonised singing to allow more of the Glee club to star in the movie, then spent time choosing the right songs and deciding who needed to be the early upsetting fatality (when nervousness in the face of an alien onslaught led to disharmony in the singing) and which characters would be the love interest. The escapism was just what Rachel needed and she actually managed to sleep reasonably well that night with Quinn's suggested film titles running through her head, 'I know what you sang last summer' losing out to Arma-Glee-Dom for being her favourite.
On Saturday she'd chosen cultural over physical activities so Quinn produced a list of museums and art galleries they could visit. Quinn mentioning art galleries reminded Rachel of that then embarrassing but now amusing misunderstanding with Kurt when he'd accused her of watching porn. She'd been about to share the amusing anecdote with Quinn before she realised she couldn't really explain what she had actually been watching that had led to her highly suspicious behaviour. Then her eyes were suddenly tear filled as she remembered what that video had actually led on to. Quinn had quickly hugged her and reassured her that the artwork she might see really wasn't that bad. Rachel had found herself laughing through her tears. She again left her phone behind and her cultural day, along with viewing art that actually wasn't too awful, was topped off with accompanying Quinn to watch some live music at a nearby venue. They'd returned back to Quinn's room late that evening partially deafened by the loud music. She could remember being almost on autopilot as she checked her missed calls first then moved on to delete texts and emails before bed. Quinn had seen what she was doing but didn't comment and that respect for the boundaries she'd set made her feel a surge of affection for her friend.
They had risen late, well relatively, on Sunday and a gentle jog around the local park was followed up by a leisurely brunch and perusal of the papers at Quinn's favourite cafe. They were joined at various intervals by Quinn's friends for light-hearted conversations and affectionate teasing of Quinn. Rachel did her best to try and work out which if any of the many people who joined them might be Quinn's secret crush that she'd once alluded to. It was a fruitless activity. Rachel could identify who might be interested in Quinn but despite knowing Quinn for years she had no insight on whether Quinn returned the interest. Quite frankly, Quinn spent more time interacting and looking at her than she did at anyone else so her very presence was distorting that which she was trying to observe. Her science teacher would have been proud of her remembering that although the straightforward name applied - the observer effect - did rather aid the memory. Rachel had looked up to catch Quinn's trademark raised eyebrow in her direction and worried that maybe she hadn't been quite as discrete in her observations as she'd hoped. Her apologetic grin had been met by a shy grin back from Quinn. It had made Quinn seem oddly vulnerable for a moment but then their order of yet more coffees had arrived and the opportunity to ask about that expression was lost with it.
From the cafe they'd eventually made their way to the station with her spirits dropping with every step closer to the journey home. Quinn had sensed her trepidation, had taken her hand and insisted on seeing her on to the train. Rachel smiled at the memory of Quinn's expression when she'd deliberately hammed up her Santana impression. She wanted to leave Quinn with a smile on her face rather than worrying about her. After all, there was no reason for them both to feel down. Rachel hoped Kurt would be out for her return but knew the chances of this would be incredibly low. Of course he'd be torn between wanting to berate her for her sneaking away for the weekend and wanting to pump her for details about her non-existent romance with Quinn. Rachel sighed, there was no way around it, she'd just have to endure it. It might serve as a useful controlling-your-emotions rehearsal for her dance lesson tomorrow. This time her sigh was heavier. Maybe now was the time to rationally think about what was going on?
It didn't require much thought. She had been led on a merry dance - unfortunate but highly apt phrasing - by her beautiful but heartless dance teacher. She'd been her usual susceptible self whilst Cassie had amused herself by building her up to tear her down. What Rachel couldn't figure out was the timing. Of course the let's keep it a secret routine was obviously to ensure she'd be more isolated when Cassie finally reverted back to form – and it had worked. She hadn't felt able to talk to her closest friends about what was going on and the timing was such that it made a complaint to Carmen a pointless exercise even if she had had the nerve to do so. The flowers, the phone calls, all an elaborate build up – an impressive amount of time had been dedicated to setting her up. Perhaps she should be flattered. But the timing just didn't make sense. Surely the best lesson for tearing her down would have been their last lesson ever rather than some unremarkable midweek class? She still had time to arrange the ultimate in-your-face last word by whatever she chose to sing at the farewell to Cassie performance. If she sang that was, at the moment Taylor Swift's Mean was a rather tempting choice particularly if she could adapt the words to something about having Broadway ahead of her unlike Cassie. Rachel sighed, not really her style and besides, despite everything, she didn't really want to hurt Cassie – if that was even possible. No, the timing was just odd. Maybe Cassie hadn't been able to stand the pretence of caring about her any longer? But then why all the phone calls, texts and e-mails? Perhaps she shouldn't have been so quick to avoid them all.
Rachel sighed again. She'd learnt the hard way at school to ignore texts, e-mails and messages from people who wanted to hurt you. She didn't even want to think about the number of times she'd been stood alone outside a film, seated at a diner or worse on the doorstep having a conversation with a bewildered parent apologising but their daughter was away. All these happened after apparent messages of contrition and then fake offers of friendship. Rachel stamped down ruthlessly on that train of thought before self-pity could set in. What was there on the plus side about recent events then? It took a moment but on the plus side she wouldn't need to tell her dads that she was dating a woman - she'd always been determinedly straight - who was over ten years older than her - and her dads treated her as younger than she really was so that only emphasised the difference - and who had once been her teacher - her dads were more in tune with conservative small town views than they'd like to admit. Her overprotective fathers had never been keen on anyone she'd dated, however briefly, although the advantage of Finn was that he'd never noticed the subtle sly digs her dads threw his way. She could hardly imagine just how outraged they'd be that an older manipulative woman had 'abused' her position of trust and ensnared? entrapped? defiled? - if only - their innocent naive baby girl. Oh yes, it was a massively major plus point that she didn't need to worry about all the emotional housework that would be needed to keep her dads from trying to wreck her relationship.
Rachel had two weeks of lessons left to survive. She was in a better place now to ignore whatever Cassie chose to throw at her. She should focus her energies on her Broadway plans and just leave the inherent messiness of relationships well and truly alone for the foreseeable future. She didn't need someone else's approval to validate her. Rachel's resolve wobbled slightly as an inner voice muttered about how nice it would be just to be loved for herself. There was plenty of time for that later - although if she couldn't find someone to love her in NYADA's huge pool of potential partners maybe she was unlovable? Still, thought Rachel as the train pulled into Grand Central Station, here she was living in the city she dreamed about from childhood, attending the College she'd more recently dreamed about and on the cusp of fulfilling her lifetime dreams. Maybe it was greedy to expect personal relationship happiness on top of all that.
Cassie's weekend had passed infuriatingly slowly with more than enough time to reflect on her thoughtless actions and all the ways in which she didn't deserve happiness. Friday had been one long sleepless night plagued with regrets and startling clear hindsight of how she should have handled things. Her unanswered phone calls, texts and emails only added to her growing desperation. By Saturday morning she was ready to travel to New Haven and comb the streets looking for Rachel even if it was an exercise in futility. If searching was a lesson then finding the needle in the haystack would be the gentle warm up task and finding Rachel in New Haven would be the difficult extension task for the most able searchers. She briefly considered turning up at Rachel's apartment and dragging wonderkid's address out of the self-centred gay boy flat mate but that seemed to require her to reveal her relationship with Rachel just at the time when it had ceased to exist. Kurt might have been happy to out Rachel to her but even she could see the inappropriateness of outing Rachel and her to him. She just wanted to be doing something rather than moping about all forlorn and powerless.
It had taken a phone call from her brother to bring the semblance of rationality to her sleep deprived thoughts. He argued that if Rachel had headed off unexpected to New Haven the chances were she wanted to get away from everything which at least included Cassie if not consisted exclusively of Cassie. In the unlikely event Quinn was Rachel's girlfriend and if, even more improbably, Cassie managed to locate them, then nothing apart from all round awkwardness would be achieved. She accepted the logic of that but Paul wasn't finished. He then proceeded to look at events from Rachel's perspective. How her experiences of being bullied online and at school would have made Cassie's sudden unexpected attack all the more hurtful and obviously she wouldn't answer calls or read texts as she'd be expecting more of the same. He had ruthlessly knocked back Cassie's half-hearted attempts to justify her behaviour. From Rachel's viewpoint she'd entered into a secret sort of relationship only to be suddenly attacked. She couldn't even go to friends for support, as the relationship was secret. And anyway speaking of Rachel's friends, what kind of friend would 'out' her to her supposedly hostile dance teacher?
In Paul's opinion, the 'girlfriend' in New Haven was a red herring although if that woman did have feelings for Rachel then Cassie was making it extremely easy for her to be a supportive, caring and sympathetic friend which would be a huge step along the road to being something more. Cassie hadn't thought she could feel worse but Paul proved her wrong. His advice was, if Rachel even deigned to talk to her again and quite frankly he wouldn't blame her if she didn't, they needed to have a conversation on neutral territory where Cassie needed to apologise profusely and repeatedly for her insensitivity and the unintentional hurt she'd caused. She also needed to put aside her jealousy and suspicions around this Quinn woman as the current situation had come about as a direct result of Cassie's actions alone. Everything else was just a distraction. It was a chastened, tearful but also more determined Cassie who finally ended the call. The inklings of a plan were beginning to form.
Rachel was heading across the main hall of Grand Central Station debating whether she would splash out on a cab when she first heard her name called. She was turning to locate the speaker as a second relief filled "Rachel" met her ears. As her eyes alighted on the speaker a few feet away from her, her brain finally put together the aural and visual information it was receiving. Cassie. Suddenly Rachel's pulse was racing, her mouth was dry and the ability to form a thought other than 'Cassie' had fled. She realised she was gaping and that it was a look that made her lose thirty IQ points from her actual score. Her eyes were busy drinking in the dishevelled and tired looking woman in front of her. This wasn't a version of Cassie she had seen before. Cassie was casually dressed in jeans, trainers and a well-worn sweatshirt topped off with a dark jacket. She had minimal to no make-up on resulting in a softer look that emphasised her red-tinged, tired eyes. Rachel had the immediate urge to hug her but fought with her automatic need to provide comfort and instead managed a rather squeaky
"W...what are you doing here?"
"Waiting for you," replied Cassie trying to inject affection into her tone as well as give a reassuring smile. She was relieved that Rachel wasn't, for the moment, ignoring her.
"But how did you know I'd...I mean," Rachel waved her arm generally in the direction of the train platforms and hoped Cassie could discern the question she seemed unable to formulate.
"Kurt mentioned New Haven, I've met every train today hoping to find you," explained Cassie as she watched a mix of emotions play across Rachel's face.
Rachel was trying to process what she'd been told. Cassie had spoken to Kurt? She wasn't sure what she felt about that. Cassie had met every train? An immature romantic part of her was impressed - she stamped down on that feeling quickly. It wasn't her problem if Cassie had nothing better to do with her time than passenger spotting. There was still a tiny miniscule part of her that remained touched. Ignoring electronic attempts to communicate was one thing but ignoring the person in the flesh was a whole different ball game particularly when you harboured a huge crush on them like she did. Not so much a flight or fight response but more a flight or surrender choice. Rachel, perhaps for the first time ever, now understood how difficult it was to be indecisive.
"Please can we talk? Please let me explain," pleaded Cassie reaching out for Rachel and then deciding against it. Her hands returned awkwardly to her sides. Rachel looked as if she was ready to run on just the slightest pretext and maybe her unwanted touch would have been enough to trigger flight. The round brown eyes that met Cassie's gaze gave little away and Cassie's optimism wavered in the face of Rachel's studied neutral expression. She could feel her anxiety and fear levels rising - maybe there just weren't any words that could undo the damage she'd caused? When Paul had said he would understand if Rachel never wanted to talk to her again she'd reassured herself it was just hyperbole. Now, faced with such a calm expressionless Rachel, she wasn't so sure. She didn't have a plan for dealing with Rachel refusing to talk to her. In fact she didn't have a plan beyond apologising profusely and hoping for the best.
"At least let me apologise. Please. You deserve an explanation even if it is too late and you've moved on," Cassie fought down a sob as her voice trailed off. Tears gathered threateningly in her eyes. This was probably her best opportunity to persuade Rachel to talk to her and she was failing to make any inroads on the now stony faced woman in front of her. Beyond dropping to her knees and pleading for the chance to explain, she was all out of ideas.
Rachel was torn with conflicting desires. Rachel Barbra Berry of old would have relented after the first 'can we talk?' and would no doubt have been working hard to ensure Cassie didn't feel too bad. In fact she'd have apologised for her own behaviour by now. New York Rachel was meant to be older, wiser and better at protecting herself from others. Okay, it was still a role she was adapting to because whilst changing her outside was easy the inside was much more tricky, but surely she had to learn something from all her High school experiences otherwise what had all that pain been for? She glanced again at the teary anxious Cassie in front of her. And yet, one glance of someone in apparent distress – apparent because Cassie was an actress after all – and her resolve to be more resilient and tough was already crumbling. Did she owe it to both of them just to listen? Would that be reasonable? Listening didn't necessarily mean capitulating did it? Rachel recognised though that she was a sucker for a sad story and combine that with the fact that really, she was desperate for Cassie's justification to allow them to get back on track, then the danger of just stopping to listen became all too apparent. Would a half-hearted apology be all that was needed for her to be satisfied? It was simple really, did she leave now when, although the pain level was higher than it had been for previous relationship endings, it would be manageable eventually. Or did she, despite all her experiences to the contrary, allow Cassie the benefit of the doubt making herself susceptible to yet another and potentially far more painful put down? To let Cassie draw her in yet again so that she could stomp on her feelings one more time? Just what did it take for her to learn to toughen up? Would she, in two weeks time, be cursing herself for her weakness in letting Cassie back in? Rachel's eyes flickered to where the cabs were. If she left now would she be plagued with what ifs later? Maybe it came down to her judgment of Cassie's possible motivations. Rachel looked at the increasingly nervous woman in front of her. It boiled down to a simple choice, stay or go?
A poster from her dads study suddenly sprung to mind. It was an Einstein quote defining insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It was time she grew up and toughened up. Decision made, Rachel seized the handle of her weekend bag and began to stride purposely towards the cabs. Her sudden movement caught Cassie by surprise but she quickly scurried after Rachel desperately wondering what else she could say. Her repeated pleases and let's talk were having little, make that no, effect. Rachel hailed a cab and continued on seemingly impervious to Cassie's pleas. She was about to climb into an annoyingly available cab.
"I was only trying to protect you," blurted Cassie in an unfortunately accusative tone. She'd finally managed to force a reaction out of Rachel although the stare wasn't one she ever wanted to be on the receiving end of again. Disappointment, resentment and maybe a touch of outrage in that look? For a moment she thought Rachel wasn't going to speak but she was mistaken. Rachel turned just before she entered the cab. Her voice laden with emotion she finally managed to choke out
"Maybe the only protection I need is from you."
Cassie stood in disbelief and shock watching the cab drive away carrying any hopes of sorting out this mess with it. Despair was threatening to move in and crush her. What now?