Author's Notes: This has been so slow in coming together. I decided to insert a canon scene (or rather, the story decided it wanted this particular scene and no matter how many monies, boobies or cakes I offered in sacrifice, it wouldn't be persuaded) and let me tell you, it's a lot harder to make a story "canon compliant" when you are inserting actual canon. There's also what appears to be a small discrepancy between something that is said in Prisoner Of Azkaban and this particular scene. I had to decide whether to go with POA's version, the DH version or try to concoct some explanation that bridged the two, which would be the most difficult of the three. And, of course, I chose the one that meant the most work, genius that I am. Lupin, in POA, alludes to the fact that Snape knew that he was the werewolf Snape stumbled upon while at Hogwarts, but the conversation Snape has with Lily in the scene from DH makes it sound as if he still hasn't completely got the whole picture. My brain was severely stunted when trying to find a plausible way around that and I wrote continuously this entire time, but it usually little spurts because I was so frustrated with how to work this out.
All that aside, I'm pleased with how it turned out and I'm glad I didn't rush it. I feel bad that it took so long but the end product is over twice as long as chapter 1 and nearly that of chapter 2, so hopefully that makes up for my pace. My lone editor also got sick last week and left me high and dry for about four days, prompting me to start thinking about looking for a second or even a third. But I don't know… #1 is so good on her own, I almost don't trust a second opinion. ;P
Chapter Four has some of the material I've really been looking forward to, so I'm hoping that one will be quicker in coming. Maybe I shouldn't even say that lest I jinx myself. Ah, well, too late now.
Disclaimer: All characters included herein are property of JK Rowling, Scholastic and Bloomsbury (and others I'm not aware of), who all kindly look the other way when we want to play in their world. This story, however, belongs to me.
'Becoming'
Point Blank Fuchelli
Chapter Three
If the ambiance outside had been unpleasant, it was nothing compared to the overwrought tension of Albus Dumbledore's quarters.
Sirius Black, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew and Severus Snape were all seated in various states of unease opposite the headmaster himself, who appeared quite relaxed in the surroundings, given the circumstances. He peered over rimless spectacles at the quartet, a bemused expression dancing in his eyes, as if he'd caught them amidst a food fight rather than out of bounds, past curfew and fresh from a werewolf's layer.
"Now, gentlemen, if one of you would volunteer to enlighten me on why you were where you were, it will allow me to avoid prying the information out of you."
Silence. Severus, James and Sirius had obvious reasons for staying still but Peter looked rather dumbfounded, as if he had just been drug along for the ride.
"No one?" Dumbledore said and shook his head. "Well then, Severus, we shall start with you." His eyes had been glued to his lap up until that point and now he gave the considerably older man a hesitant look.
"Er…" He started. All things considered, Severus had quite a few well-chosen things to say regarding the events of the evening but he knew that none of them would be received kindly from his classmates sitting beside him, much less Dumbledore.
"It's all right, Severus," he nodded evenly. "Please begin," Dumbledore said these last words in the same calm voice he was known for but in such a way Severus understood that it was not so much a request as a command.
"Well, sir," he began after clearing his throat, "I was in the hall earlier, um, during the feast and found Black and Lupin..."
"Spying is more like it," Sirius muttered under his breath and Severus chanced a violent glare in his direction for the first time since they'd entered the office.
"I was not…" He started automatically but Dumbledore held up a hand.
"Mr. Black, you had the chance to offer your side of the story first and you chose silence. Please show some respect."
Sirius looked as if Dumbledore had asked him to eat raw Gillyweed but his refutations ceased for the moment.
"Continue."
"I was accosted, without provocation, by Black while on my way to the library. He made some rather choice comments about various aspects of my appearance," Severus said snidely, pointedly avoiding Sirius' glare. "Then suggested that I take a trip to the Whomping Willow, making it a point to mention the fact that it was a full moon, which I should think makes it obvious he knew what I was going to find and what would likely be the outcome."
"Yes, a logical assessment to make," Dumbledore nodded. "However, let us not make hasty assumptions about the views and motivations of others, Mr. Snape. Especially when the parties in question have not yet had a chance to defend themselves."
Severus felt his cheeks burn at the reprimand and turned his eyes back to his lap. "Thank you, Mr. Snape. And now, Mr. Black, since you seem most eager now to say your piece, please enlighten us as to your version of the events."
"Well, Professor Dumbledore – sir – I was walking through the south corridor with Remus – Remus Lupin, sir – when I saw Snape tailing behind us, not saying a word. And I've seen him before, trying to follow us, probably a dozen times for no good reason!" Sirius began to gain momentum and Severus fought the urge to interrupt with his own denials and rebuttals, but he kept his fists clenched in his lap. "So, really, all I did was – basically – tell him to mind his own business. He has no reason to…"
"Please try to keep to the matter at hand, Mr. Black," Dumbledore said, still calm and smooth. "The most pressing question, it would seem, would be whether or not you did, indeed, suggest that Mr. Snape leave the castle after hours and attempt to get past the Willow."
Sirius' mouth snapped shut and he looked, to his credit, abashed for the first time all evening, though Severus suspected it was more due to being caught rather than guilt. He inhaled deeply and, without making eye contact, nodded slowly.
"Yes sir."
"Thank you." Dumbledore said quietly. Rather than ranting loud castigations, the elderly man's voice got very small and tight; it was as if it consumed every effort to control it.
"Mr. Potter, I would now like to hear about your involvement," he said, turning those penetrating eyes to James unceremoniously. The younger man fidgeted, trying to avoid his stare.
"Well, er, I was on my way back from the feast when I ran into Sirius outside the portrait hole." At this point, he cast his eyes to Sirius on his left and paused, apparently deliberating something. "He – well, he mentioned that he might have, um, told Snape something about the Willow and how to get past it…"
"No," Snape interjected reflexively. "He didn't –"
"Mr. Snape, please," Dumbledore said, clearly getting aggravated by all the interruptions.
"And, well, sir… I couldn't, you know…" He stopped, censored himself and stumbled over his phrasing. "I mean, it's dangerous and stupid… and he should have been smart enough not to listen to Sirius because Sirius loathes him and the feeling is more than mutual, so why in bloody hell would he think anything Sirius would tell him to do is a good idea?"
"That is a valid point, Mr. Potter, and one that I will follow up on, I assure you." He paused and then turned to Peter, who practically jumped ten feet in the air. Out of the four of them, he seemed the most distressed and yet had played the smallest part. Severus rolled his eyes. "Mr. Pettigrew, it seems that you might have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time, am I correct?"
"Well, when James ran off I, um, followed him. To see if, you know, anything had happened to Re-"
"PETE!" Sirius bellowed, shooting him a look of pure death. Peter turned 19 different shades of purple in the span of about 3 seconds before clamming up.
"Quite understandable," Dumbledore nodded and then clasped his hands together over his desk, giving each of them a piercing glare before continuing. "Is there anything else pertinent to the situation?"
"Um, sir…" Severus began nervously. He'd been safe from harm for almost an hour now and the entire episode was beginning to sink in. With his wits about him once again, he was reviewing all the details and something refused to add up. "The werewolf…?"
"Yes, Mr. Snape, well-informed as I am about the goings-on at my school, I am aware of the matter."
"But… Professor, sir, I can't-."
"Mr. Snape-"
"It's a werewolf."
"Yes, I know that."
"But the school – the students…!"
"Mr. Snape – Severus – please."
It was the first time he'd ever seen the headmaster uncertain. He appeared deep in thought with his eyes closed, drawing in steady breaths. Less than a minute later his lids opened again but rather than addressing Severus, he instead turned to James, Sirius and Peter in turn.
"I believe that it will be impossible to keep this secret any longer, at least from Mr. Snape."
"Sir, no!"
"The whole school'll know by morning!"
Again Dumbledore held up a hand. James and Sirius fell quiet yet appeared disgruntled and, Severus was taken aback to see, fearful.
"I do hope you will put more trust in me than you do Mr. Snape. It is unfortunate that he has become privy to this sensitive information, but what is done you cannot undo. We must now work to repair the damage." Dumbledore turned to Sirius before adding, "And before you protest too hard, Mr. Black, I suggest you keep in mind who it is that put him in the position that provided such an opportunity.
"Mr. Snape is, however, an intelligent young man and he has been given enough information tonight to put two and two together if afforded enough time. I think it rather prudent that he be entrusted with the entire story from someone close to the source so that it can be impressed upon him how important secrecy is."
Sirius looked properly abashed and James stayed still but unbelieving. Peter, apparently, hadn't blinked for 5 minutes and appeared about to wet himself. Severus had the entire night laid out in his mind's eye, with bits missing like a jigsaw puzzle, and he waited hungrily for the entire scene to be complete. If it had Potter and Black on such tenterhooks it must have been big.
"The werewolf you saw tonight, Mr. Snape, is a student at Hogwarts."
"A… a student?" Dumbledore nodded.
"I believe you are familiar with Remus Lupin?" He cocked his head benignly to the side.
Severus was stunned into incoherence. "That's …Lupin?" Again, he nodded.
"An unfortunate accident in his youth, I'm afraid, left him with this particular malady." His voice was tinged with sadness as he spoke. "Hogwarts has always prided itself on being a haven for students from all walks of life and there is no reason to exclude Mr. Lupin provided we offer the proper provisions."
"But… the others… It's unsafe!"
"Mr. Lupin is no more a threat than any other student on the grounds, save for three nights out of each month. During those few hours, Mr. Lupin is escorted out of harms way and out of reach."
Severus, while trying to remain respectful, saw a gaping hole in this arrangement.
"Professor Dumbledore – sir – obviously tonight-."
"Unfortunately, the biggest uncertainty in any experiment is the introduction of new variables, particularly ones that can think for themselves. Mr. Black exemplified this aspect tonight. Therefore, the flaw is not with the plan itself but with Mr. Black in particular and will be dealt with thusly."
Severus couldn't help it – he looked over at Sirius, who couldn't have appeared more startled if Dumbledore had pointed his wand directly at his face. He smirked.
"Mr. Snape, the world is not nearly so kind to those who are different. Whether or not we can help the things that separate us from our fellow man makes no difference in the long run. It will not be trouble-free outside the sheltered walls of Hogwarts for even those who blend in easily and much less so for those who garner attention. For this reason, I choose to give Mr. Lupin the chance to live as normal a life as possible, for as long as it is in my power to do so." The sentiment was compassionate and still his tone was firm so that the others understood that these were instructions to be followed without question. There was a pause as the Headmaster allowed his words to settle before continuing.
"It would be my hope that this needn't be said, however I feel it must be abundantly clear and so I take the risk of sounding repetitive. The last thing I want is for a problem to arise in the future because I made implications when I should have been making statements.
"This school is under the authority of the Governors and myself. With the exception of one or two, this does not include the parents or family members of students nor does it include the students themselves. The circumstances regarding Mr. Lupin's condition and the special accommodations he requires have been discussed at length between the parties responsible for this institution. We agreed that it was within everyone's best interest to keep the matter private and strictly on a 'need to know' basis; the potential for widespread paranoia, prejudice and panic was too great to make the information public.
"Mr. Lupin chose to personally tell his friends about his being bitten and they've kept his secret out of respect. I ask you to do the same thing, Mr. Snape, however I do so because it is not your story to tell and, quite simply, because I am your superior for the next two and a half years. I have a certain right to expect obedience."
Severus listened and stubbornly held onto the gaze of the older man without interrupting. As soon as Dumbledore had admitted prior knowledge to the beast he'd been expecting to hear something like this, but it was still just as hard to swallow as it would have been, had he not such foresight.
"All four of you have become privy to the same information and I therefore expect you all to follow the same rules. The decision to house and educate Mr. Lupin at Hogwarts is completely and unarguably under the jurisdiction of its governing body, and although you may possess the same knowledge on the matter, it does not necessarily allow you the same liberties. To disclose it without permission is grounds for permanent expulsion."
There was a quiet unlike the awkward tension that had filled the room before. Severus could tell by the identical looks of shock on the other three faces next to him that they were just as surprised as he by the severity of the punishment they would face if a careless word were to slip. Apparently Potter and his pals had been keeping the secret based solely on Lupin's request alone and this was the first they were hearing of just how deeply entrenched Hogwarts was in the situation.
"Now!" Dumbledore exclaimed, clapping his hands together and adopting a less severe expression. "I believe there is only one thing left to cover before you're dismissed to your Houses." His eyes twinkled in a way unbefitting of the next words he uttered. "Your respective punishments."
"Oh God, brilliant Tom!"
The common room was sparsely populated as Severus entered it and the bulk of its occupants were clustered together near the fire, though it seemed not just for the warmth. Tomas was at the center of the crowd, regaling them with something apparently quite entertaining.
"Purple, I swear – it was bloody beautiful."
Fresh peals of laughter erupted from the dozen or so students mingling about at this and Severus, mildly curious and wanting something to take his mind off of his own exploits, joined the outskirts of the group and caught Tom's eye.
"Severus!" He bellowed, reaching through a few shoulders and pulling him in. "Severus, where in hell were you? Can't believe you missed all the fun." Several people nodded or nudged each other; among them were Avery and Wilkes, and the absolutely towering seventh year Rodolphus Lestrange. The four of them were notorious for getting away with the most outlandish practical jokes and it was no big shock that they had planned a rather large one for Halloween. Severus wondered who the poor bloke on the receiving end had been.
"Sorry," he muttered, giving a half-hearted shrug. He was suddenly glad that his mates were known for being self-absorbed. They didn't press him further when there was a bit more bragging to be done.
"Honestly, those Gryffindors are pathetically trusting. It was pitiful how easy it was to lure one out," Wilkes chimed in.
"Well, I've never known a Gryffindor to be anything but pathetic or pitiful," came a feminine voice amongst the gruff chatter. "Have you, Snape?"
Somehow Severus always avoided seeing Suellen until the shrill lilt of her voice managed a well-placed slur and forced his eyes to her own. And even though the rest of his mates didn't approve of Lily, they never really caught on how much she meant to him. But Suellen was a girl and a clever one at that; she wasn't fooled. Every sentence she directed at Severus dripped with a backhanded aggression he understood far too well. Not directly involved in the mischief-making with her boyfriend, Suellen was sitting on the edge of the stone fire-place, pretending to listen dutifully and laughing in all the right places but her eyes darted every so often to Severus.
"Really, they'll talk about this one for decades, they will," Avery said. He gave Tomas a hard, approving thump on the back but the larger boy's frame hardly moved. "We should leave the pictures somewhere so that future generations can one day stumble upon 'em and marvel at our acumen."
"Pictures?" Severus queried, suddenly a bit more interested. "Don't tell me you were thick enough to take pictures."
"'Course we took pictures!" Avery beamed, presenting Severus with a padded envelope.
"Sue let us have her camera for the evening," Tomas grinned, but behind him Suellen scowled openly.
"Sue didn't know you were going to be at the top of the Owlery," she huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. "That camera costs 200 galleons and my mum would skin me alive if –."
"Aw, stuff it! We got it back to you didn't we?" Avery sneered, rolling his beady little eyes. "Not a scratch on it."
"That's not the point, Milton – I asked, specifically –"
"I swear to God, if you call me that one-more-time, you two-sickle slag –"
"HEY."
All six feet of Tomas Mulciber were now staring down at the much less impressive shape of the Slytherin Prefect who'd dare utter the derogatory affront and the latter seemed to suddenly grasp what he'd just done. The camaraderie of the previous night paled in comparison to whomever one were snogging at the time. Avery, who managed to look kempt but sinister, was perpetually preoccupied with things other than hormones and didn't quite comprehend what it was that got a hold of his mates. Still, he wasn't so dim that he didn't seize an appropriately apologetic simper to avoid the wrath of the larger boy.
With the rest of the group distracted by the melee, Severus pulled a few meters away and dug into the envelope for the half-dozen moving photos. The first couple were of one or more of the boys mugging for the camera; Tom holding a rope up and wiggling his eyebrows or Ivan Wilkes juggling a couple dung bombs before they exploded in his face.
But in the third one, Severus felt his fingers go a little numb. He'd expected the victim to be someone like Potter or another of the Gryffindor Quidditch members, but instead he found them dragging a bound and gagged petite fifth year girl that he recognized as an acquaintance of Lily's. Avery must have been behind the camera, but the other three Slytherins appeared positively ecstatic while the cowering blonde looked petrified. Almost afraid of what he would find, he flipped to the next photo and saw a scene familiar to some of the recent newspaper headlines; Tomas led the way with the other two single file behind him, their Gryffindor prey suspended in the air just above their heads. The fifth photo was the girl, suspended upside down from one of the highest perches in the Owlery and as the blood drained to her head she was, indeed, a vivid shade of purple. The final picture showed her being ushered back to the portrait hole, eyes still wide with tears, slung like a sacked deer over Tom's shoulder.
"Damn funny, eh?"
Severus looked up and met Avery's gaze, intense with glee. Inside was something unreadable and something that he wasn't sure he really wanted to understand.
"Who's the girl?" he asked mildly, handing the photos back.
"Macdonald something, I think." Avery shrugged. "No idea, though. We just grabbed whoever the first person was who took the bait."
"Mary Macdonald," Suellen chimed in.
"Don't matter." He waved her off. "Although she did squeal quite a lot. It certainly made it more entertaining."
"So where were you, Snape?" Suellen trilled, suddenly turning her full interest to Severus. By the glint in her eyes he could tell she knew full well – or at least thought she did – where he'd been, but she much preferred to play games rather than accuse him outright. "I don't believe I saw you at the feast at all."
Severus realized then that she'd been waiting for the most opportune moment to spring the question on him. Tomas was still glaring at Avery for his slight toward Suellen and the excited attention that had been focused on the four involved pranksters was waning into a fresh silence that she purposely broke. A few heads turned back towards them, Tomas and Avery in particular, curious.
"The library, working on Charms. Unlike Tom, I had to do my own essay," he sneered, but gave a good-natured laugh that he hoped hid his rapidly rising temper. Riding low on sleep deprivation, Suellen's coy baiting was about the last thing he felt in the mood to deal with that morning. He'd forced himself not to think about that evening after he tossed and turned for three hours, his brain conjuring up painful punishments and humiliations for both Potter and Black that he knew he could never carry out. Dumbledore made it clear that the matter was closed and though Severus was tempted, he knew better than to test the resolve of the Headmaster.
"I'm sure you could have found help somewhere," Suellen stated innocently and again, Severus gathered her meaning loud and clear. Luckily the mass exodus of the remaining students to the Great Hall saved him though, and no one else appeared the least bit interested. Tom, exchanging another anecdote from the evening's activities with Rodolphus, pulled Suellen towards him and away from Severus but she offered him a knowing smile before tossing her curls over her shoulder and sauntering away with a frustrating sashay. He had an alarming desire to hex the hair off her head but, unlike his mates, found it uncouth to take advantage of a girl – even one as unashamedly evil as Suellen Parkinson. It did, however, make him grin to think of Lily pointing her wand at that up-turned nose and watching it clean fall off.
'Lily…' He thought with a jump to his heart as he grabbed his own bag and scurried after the scattered students now filtering into the halls. '…Bugger.'
"Alright, you have 75 minutes. You may begin… now!"
The temperature in the Potions class rose immediately as thirty students simultaneously lit fires underneath their cauldrons and began mixing ingredients. Severus, who was annoyingly attentive under normal circumstances, was trailing behind the rest at the moment. He'd gotten to class just a hair too late and found, to his great fury, Sirius Black occupying the space next to Lily. It had been his plan to set up shop next to her and force her to listen to him explain… something.
But now he was standing behind the two and trying desperately to get her attention even though he couldn't imagine what he would do with it if he ever managed that goal. Surely they couldn't hold a conversation whispering back and forth for the entire class. He cast a glance at the pudgy, squat Slytherin girl he'd been stuck with who immediately narrowed her eyes suspiciously and moved her cauldron farther away. He rolled his eyes. As if he needed to filch answers from her.
Severus could see the professor moving slowly around the room out of his periphery and he hastily began the work from the board, still trying to catch Lily's eye every few seconds or so but she hadn't even afforded him a glimpse of anything besides the back of her plate of hair. His heart sank farther into his chest and he scowled darkly at her partner, as if it was solely Black's fault.
"Your Yucca is too thick."
Lily's voice was taught and a bit condescending; Sirius paused and compared her finely minced piles to his uneven hunks. Severus' mouth twitched into a grin.
"So's your mum."
"Oh, very mature Sirius," she snapped. "I was only trying to help."
"No you weren't. You were trying to be an insufferable know-it-all," he said immediately but still pulled his roots closer and gave them another chopping with his knife. "Mission accomplished, by the by."
"You know, you're awfully mouthy for someone who apparently lost us seventy-five points, all on your own."
Both Sirius and Severus' hands ceased their work and they stared openly at the redhead. Lily ignored the penetrating glare of the boy next to her though and dumped her neat stacks of ingredients into her bubbling cauldron. It hissed loudly and emitted a faint red haze that caused Slughorn to applaud vociferously. He was standing next to Suellen and Tom, the latter of which had just drenched his robes in something green and slimy, and neither looked pleased.
"How do you bloody know about that?" Sirius hissed as soon as Slughorn turned his attention away from them, which, considering how much he adored Lily, was not soon.
"Does it matter?" she asked over her shoulder and Severus shared in Sirius frustrated growl. "So what'd you do, Sirius, set someone on fire?"
"No, although depending upon who it is, that sounds like a thumping good time."
Lily shot him a cold look. "Don't you even care that you lost seventy-five points – from your entire house? After we all spent weeks trying to earn them?"
"Oh, get off it, Lily. It's only November and besides, James managed to save the day again and-."
"James?" She interrupted, raising an eyebrow and glancing a few meters over Sirius shoulder to where James and Peter stood at their own table. "What does Potter have to do with this?"
There was a pause and it was of the same kind Severus recognized from that infamous night just before he suggested the visit to the Willow. Sirius Black when freed from the conscience of Remus Lupin or the paranoid fear of Peter Pettigrew or even the superficial pride of James Potter could let his schemes run rampant. Severus could sense something coming before it was even upon them and he was powerless to stop it.
"Well, you heard about my spectacular loss of points. Surely you heard about James' equally grand earning of points."
"What are you talking about?"
Sirius leaned in and adopted a grave look of sincerity. "One hundred points on ol' Jamesy. Not to mention, if it weren't for James, ol' Snivellus would be fertilizer over in Greenhouse Three by now."
"What?!"
A few of the nearby students looked up at the disturbance and Lily flushed brightly. She looked down at her now boiling stew and stirred feverishly but a second later her eyes abandoned it and turned back to Sirius.
"Severus? You mean… James? What? When?"
"Halloween," he said.
There was another pause that only Severus understood as she let that information sink in. He knew she was digesting the timeline and he wondered – hoped – that he might actually get away with the entire thing without actually having to explain himself. As much as he hated Sirius for using the opportunity to gain ground with Lily on Potter's behalf, he had to admit that he could use it to his advantage.
"So how did he… you know…?"
"Well," Sirius began dramatically, leaning one hand onto the table. "Snivelly-."
"Severus." Lily corrected dryly.
"Whatever." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Anyway, he got the bright idea to go gallivanting around the grounds at night like a dobber and wound up getting past the Whomping Willow. Well, whatever the hell is down there didn't like that and James wound up saving his ungrateful arse."
There was a pregnant silence that no one else was aware of save the two doing the talking and the one doing the eavesdropping. There was a clamor of utensils and flasks against pewter all around them, but they three were still. Lily and Sirius were huddled together, unaware of Severus just a few meters behind, still listening hungrily.
"Why would he go and do that?" Lily asked in a voice mixed with wonder and repugnance.
"Because he lacks the mental skills required for even the simplest of tasks, let alone ones that might necessitate more complex cognition?" came an absent reply. "Honestly, Evans, why does Snape do anything?"
"Oh, piss off, Sirius," Lily muttered, finally turning back to her cauldron, where a thin film had started to congeal on the top layer of liquid. Severus, reflexively, stared back down at his own practically empty basin and then glanced at the clock. He groaned. Well, at least his grade could afford one bad mark against it…
"You know, I don't get you, Evans," Sirius, who had already completely abandoned his own work after his go at the roots, stated notably. "You're a clever witch and you've got enough normal blokes who fancy you, it's not like you couldn't do better…"
"And just what the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Severus wanted to silently go on record as wondering the exact same thing. Lily had faced Black fully and Severus could see from her profile that her cheeks were almost as red as her hair, but he couldn't decipher if it was from embarrassment or anger. Or both.
"Severus Snape is a paranoid little snot who thinks all Gryffindors are pussies."
"And you and Potter are self-important turds who think all Slytherins are inbred," she bit back.
"James and I don't go sniffing around like effing Sherlock Holmes just to catch them with their hands in the cookie jar," Sirius sneered.
"No, you just pick on them when you know they're alone and out-numbered. You two are nothing more than overgrown playground bullies."
"Oh get off it, Evans! Do you even know what Snape thinks of the rest of your House? Of your fellow Prefect?" Sirius whispered the second sentence conspiratorially and although Lily's disapproving stare didn't waver, there was a pause and Sirius could tell she was mildly curious as to where he was leading her. As soon as he knew he had hooked her he adopted a naïve tone and began hacking away at cactus flower petals with his knife. "And to be perfectly honest, sure, James and I have earned all the ire poor Snivelly can throw at us, but Remus…" he tutted and shook his head, depositing the remains of his petals into his cauldron. "Really, he doesn't deserve that."
"Doesn't deserve what, exactly?" Lily half asked, half demanded, sprinkling a handful of shale over her pot as she did so.
Sirius shrugged, pursing his lips. "He's got it in his head that Remus is hiding… something."
Severus nearly choked. Lily was casting her partner a dubious eye but was far too trusting to suspect that Sirius might have any motive other than to just make Severus look bad.
"I haven't the foggiest what you're talking about," she replied. Sirius pressed harder.
"Something dark."
At this point, Severus had deserted his assignment and barely managed not to elbow his partner's face in an effort to pull his wand from the inside of his robes. Lily's curiosity was finally piqued though, and Slughorn was making his final rounds just before the end of the period; his massive frame was slowly working around the perimeter and peering anxiously into the open faces of each cauldron. Clenching his fist around the shaft of his wand, Severus tried to regulate his breathing but it wasn't easy. His ears were now too devoted to the conversation in front of him to block out the words. He knew what was coming and could foresee the outcome, but at the moment he was forced to keep his feet nailed to the ground and his mouth shut.
"That's ridiculous," Lily scoffed. "Why would anyone think anything like that about Remus Lupin?"
"'Dunno. Why don't you ask your pal why he's got his nose to the ground, snuffling around after him every evening?"
To his great relief, Severus could see Lily look quietly annoyed and, with a great flourish of her wand, cleaned up a few drops of spillage that had gathered on either side of her cauldron. Slughorn was stopping very briefly to gauge each student's finished work and gave a subtle nod or shake of the head, sometimes with a few comments to the Slytherins. Lily was preoccupied with her own reflections from the class when he reached her but was startled from her trance when he exclaimed loudly with the usual proclamations of excelling aptitude and an uncommon capacity for potions.
He must still have been on a lofty peak from her success, because he merely shook his head at the scorched flower petals and roots now simmering at the bottom of Sirius' empty cauldron and told him to "take a leaf from your ginger-headed friend's book." The pair tidied up hastily and then, with matching looks of exasperation, headed towards the door.
'Damn it all,' Severus thought, watching her leave without giving him the chance to have a moment alone. Slughorn, who had just given Severus' plump partner a dismissive wave and sent her on her way, cast his bulging eyes expectantly into the void that was his own cauldron.
"Severus, what's this? Are you ill?"
He tore his eyes away from the doorway where Lily's form had just disappeared around and blinked, momentarily confused. "Sir?"
"Unless I miss my guess, you didn't make it past step three, am I correct?" Slughorn was gesturing to the potion – or, lack thereof – on the table.
"Oh. Right. Step three. No, I didn't." He cleared his throat, not accustomed to being singled out negatively. He preferred not to attract attention – even the good kind. "Ill, sir. Yes."
This paltry excuse seemed to satisfy him and he straightened up. "Well then, I suggest you go see Madam Pomfrey. Make sure you're in top form for next class." Slughorn gave him a large, conspicuous wink. "Can't let Miss Evans steal all the glory, now can you?"
Severus already had his books in his bag and was preparing to dash out the door when he heard, "Can't be tops all the time, can you?" behind him and turned.
"He's got to let the little people catch up every once in awhile." Tomas grinned as he approached, Suellen at his side looking furious. Avery prowled behind, his chest thrust out with the Prefect badge perfectly visible. "Slug certainly didn't seem fond of the lapse in alacrity though, Sev."
"Not as if he took his nose out of Evans' arse long enough to notice, though, as it is," Suellen snarled and for once didn't direct the offense towards Severus, but instead glared at the large-framed Professor Slughorn who was packing up his plum-colored bag at his desk. "You'd think he'd show a little House loyalty rather than play favorites with a foul mudblood."
"You get invited to his parties, what more do you want?" Avery rolled his eyes and Suellen transferred her violent glower to him and crossed her arms, huffing indignantly. "Besides, you practically burned a hole in your own cauldron, what did you expect him to do? Pull a cracker?"
As much perverse satisfaction as Severus got from seeing Suellen's blunders exploited for Avery's amusement, his mind was running calculations on how far away Lily could have sprinted by now and how remote the possibility of catching her before she reached the Gryffindor common room was.
"Still, I reckon it's better to at least have attempted it," Suellen said after regarding Avery with one last icy look. She had turned large, doe eyes to Tomas but twisted to face Severus as her boyfriend snaked a possessive arm around her waist. "What step threw you off, Snape? Three, was it?" She clucked her tongue and looked dismayed. "You seemed genuinely distracted. Rather odd for you, isn't it?"
It was one of her favorite pastimes – putting Severus on the spot when they both knew quite well that the reality of the situation would never leave his lips. Though her pale, almost translucent features betrayed no trace of malevolence, her attentiveness to his relationship with Lily was almost obsessive; and her uncanny ability to read his every intention and motivation in regards to their friendship made him very uneasy.
"Bit under the weather lately. Haven't been sleeping well," he replied evenly, shrugging his bag over his shoulder and moving slowly towards the door in an effort to escape the interrogation.
"Besides, one bad day isn't likely to piss on his otherwise sterling reputation in Potions," Tomas said as he stepped in stride next to Severus and pulled a sharp-eyed Suellen along with him. Avery fell in line as well, shouldering as many younger students out of his path as possible as they departed the classroom. Severus felt slightly claustrophobic as they made their way onto the grounds; his eyes were scanning each passing face in case he stumbled upon her but he knew that even then he wouldn't be able to do anything as long as he was sandwiched between Tomas and Avery. Certainly Suellen wouldn't let such an occurrence pass without note.
He tried to trade barbs with his mates about Quidditch and the pathetic showing of the Hufflepuff team and the most recent reports in the Prophet, but he was silently grateful when they didn't seem to notice his lack of participation.
It was in the middle of an acidic tirade from Avery that he caught it. Beyond the cement pillars lining the stone walkways was a flash of red hair and a swoosh of a robe as Lily knelt down beside a whimpering Ravenclaw who looked like he'd been hit with a particularly nasty hex to the nose. The place right between his eyes looked concave and, Severus thought privately, rather painfully so. A few people were sniggering into their arms as they passed and Lily's eyes shot them all daggers as she tried to right the curse with her wand.
Avery's own admonitions about the recent increase in security at Azkaban Prison were halted as they drew closer to the scene. From behind Severus, he reached around and smacked Tomas on the back of the shoulder, and nodded in the direction of Lily and the boy. From the look on his face, one might have thought his birthday had come early.
"Looks like Roddy got out of Charms early." Avery whispered.
The boy let out a whelp and then covered his face with his hands, shaking Lily away. She sighed and tucked her wand into her robes and helped the boy to his feet. Through the din of the passing crowd, Severus couldn't make out the entire conversation but he heard Madam Pomfrey's name mentioned and it wouldn't have been a huge leap in logic to assume they were headed for the Hospital Wing anyway.
Severus didn't have time to react as the pair gimped along, Lily supporting the smaller boy beneath his arm and muttering assurances under her breath. As she looked up, it wasn't hard to miss the quartet of Slytherins, stationary among the bustling mob, watching with a depraved glee at the misfortune of another. The pure amusement on Suellen's face in particular turned sinister when her eyes locked with Lily's. For a fleeting moment Lily paused and her features grew taught as she digested the silent threat. But as she tore her gaze away she appeared to have every intention of ignoring them further until she saw Severus, shrinking next to the towering Tomas; and although she didn't look angry, her face fell as if she'd been slapped. She took a deep breath though, turned on her heel, gripped the boy tighter and marched on.
Avery began to cackle openly and he pulled Tomas aside as they both erupted with laughter. Severus tried to steady the pounding in his skull and formulate a hasty exit that wouldn't arouse curiosity but with the other two fellows now huddled together he didn't think they'd even notice if he snuck away. Before he could consider the alternatives though, Suellen took a step closer and folded her arms over her chest but avoided looking at him. Her gaze was fixed in the direction Lily and the boy had hobbled and she wore an expression of smug satisfaction that had more to do with him than Lily, he supposed, and he knew flight wouldn't be possible. At least not without her knowing exactly what his M.O. was. Severus was fairly certain she wasn't going to tattle to her boyfriend, or anyone else – she'd had plenty of opportunities to spill his secrets already – but it unnerved him that she collected this information on him and Lily and their interaction like a packrat.
"I guess Rodolphus' been doing a little extracurricular reading for Transfiguration," she muttered, bemused. "Lucky your Evans was around, eh?"
Her tone was innocent enough but as she finally turned to face him the almost devilish curve at the corners of her lips caused his eyes to narrow.
"Well, she is a Prefect, after all," he shrugged, trying to appear ambivalent, but cast an obvious glance at her own badge embossed with the large 'P'. "Isn't this sort of thing in the job description?"
"I do remember an oath or somesuch nonsense to uphold the honor of the school and all that rot," she waved her hand dismissively. "We all have differing ideas on who or what honors the great legacy of Hogwarts though, don't we?" She smiled and then shrugged.
"Sue! Sev," Tomas beckoned from a few meters away. "You two coming to lunch or what?" He and Avery had apparently started off again and Suellen trotted quickly to slide her hand possessively into his. With a visible distance now between them, Severus took the opportunity to make a clean break. To hell with Suellen Parkinson, he thought; if he wanted to catch Lily alone he was going to have to take a chance.
"Go on ahead. I'm going to go drop my books off."
He purposely didn't look at her as he turned and jogged in the opposite direction but he could easily imagine the knowing smile slide onto her lips as she logged another "episode" away inside the recesses of her mind.
Severus didn't have to wait long, lingering in the shadows, before the doors of the Hospital Wing opened and Madam Pomfrey emerged, tutting gently as she escorted Lily out. She thanked the younger girl for her help and quick thinking and promised the boy would be fine after some bed rest to recover from the trauma. Nervous, but knowing he'd never have a better opportunity, Severus stumbled after her solitary, retreating figure.
"Lily!" He said and broke into a trot to catch up to her. She turned, but he could see she was not pleased at the sight by the stony glare she shot him. "Wait… please."
"I really don't have time, Severus," she said impersonally and he cringed at the use of his full name. "McGonagall gave me another stack of essays to mark and she's expecting me to pick them up this afternoon." She didn't bother to slow her pace and he practically had to jog to keep up.
"More? How do you find time to do your own work?"
"You don't have to worry about me. I manage just fine," she said coldly. "I don't need a nanny."
"Now, that's not what I meant." He fumbled with his words and found himself frustrated that she couldn't look at him long enough to explain or defend himself. "I just think you're working too hard and not getting enough time to relax. I've hardly seen you in days and you haven't said two words to me in that time, either." Once again, it was difficult to hide the personal wounds the words carried and he hated the weakness they exposed. Still, for the moment he forgave himself because she seemed to hesitate and her speed slowed.
"It's not like you've been lonely though, have you Sev?" Lily didn't look at him but she sounded sour. They reached a large oak door and he leaned his entire weight into it and it swung open, revealing the crisp autumn air. A vision of her crestfallen face just a half-hour before as she spotted him beside Tomas flitted into his mind and he felt his chest constrict in desperation.
"It's not the same!" He said, more ardently than he normally would've allowed and the emotion startled not only Lily, but Severus as well. Still, though, he continued. "I thought we were supposed to be friends? Best friends?"
"We are, Sev, but I don't like some of the people you're hanging round with!" she finally exclaimed. "I'm sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! Mulciber! What do you see in him, Sev, he's creepy! D'you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?"
Severus did, indeed, know and had seen the proof. While he couldn't say the scenario of three hulking boys against one scared, diminutive girl seemed fair, he told himself that Tomas and Avery and Rodolphus were just pranksters and never intended for any real harm to come to her. Still, Lily was now peering accusingly up at him from a pillar and those excuses sounded hollow and false even to him.
His contention got lost in his throat under her penetrating gaze and he felt a frantic need to justify not only them, but himself as well "That was nothing. It was a laugh, that's all-"
"It was Dark Magic, and if you think that's funny-," She had jumped at the word 'laugh,' looking positively livid. Now Severus couldn't stop envisioning the pictures they'd shown him in the Slytherin common room; the one with Mary suspended mid-air in particular at the forefront of his mind. Without thinking, he reached for his old fallback argument, forgetting for the moment the propensity it had for backfiring on him.
"What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?" he asked bitterly. Severus pushed his own occasional misgivings about Tomas and Avery to the side, letting his anger and humiliation seethe as he recalled Halloween night with spiteful clarity. His cheeks felt warm and Lily was looked at him peculiarly. Rarely did he allow himself to get so worked up
"What's Potter got to do with anything?" she asked suspiciously. Severus stopped for a second, remembering the conversation he'd overheard in Potions just a few hours ago and then Dumbledore's warnings and threats of expulsion if he found out the secret had been leaked.
"They sneak out at night," he said evenly and she merely blinked in response. He had to choose his words carefully or else he could get himself into real trouble. "There's something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?"
"He's ill. They say he's ill-"
"Every month at the full moon?" The words slipped out quicker and nastier than Severus had wanted. He knew he was toeing the line now, but if he could just get Lily to guess…
"I know your theory," she said coolly in obvious disbelief and he felt numb with envy that she seemed to be regarding Sirius' version with more credence. "Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they're doing at night?"
"I'm just trying to show you they're not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are," he said, the jealousy driving a bite into his tone. Nursing a wound from the betrayal that she wouldn't even hear him out, Severus couldn't hide his resentment. She'd been defiant in her question but as he held her eyes with his own, finally confident in his own position, he seemed to challenge her with knowledge she didn't possess; he was practically daring her to test him. Lily eventually ducked her head to hide a tint of pink that crept onto her cheeks.
"They don't use Dark Magic, though," she stated, as if that should end the matter. "And you're being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James Potter saved you from whatever's down there-"
There weren't enough expletives in the language to suit Severus' needs at that moment. "Saved? Saved?" He spluttered crossly. "You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends' too! You're not going to – I won't let you -"
"Let me? Let me?" Lily stood up straight and put her hands on her hips, looking irate. Realizing his error, Severus backed down immediately.
"I didn't mean – I just don't want to see you made a fool of –" He stammered, attempting to avoid the obvious before simply giving in. "He fancies you, James Potter fancies you!" He spat the words out as if he'd just bitten into rotten fruit. Suddenly the righteous anger he'd been filled with moments ago wilted and he stared at the ground awkwardly "And he's not… everyone thinks… big Quidditch hero-"
"I know James Potter's an arrogant toerag," Lily replied without missing a beat. Severus looked up as if it was a reflex and found her face had softened; she was now watching him curiously. "I don't need you to tell me that. But Mulciber's and Avery's idea of humor is just evil. Evil, Sev. I don't understand how you can be friends with them," she had emphasized the word 'you' so tenderly Severus felt an all-too familiar (yet, surprisingly, not unpleasant) twisting sensation in his stomach and it made his breath catch in his throat. He watched the chilly autumn breeze stir up strands of fiery hair that got caught in her pale eyelashes and he wondered if the color on her face was from the nip in the air or… something else.
They both realized, almost simultaneously, that the hostile tension had lifted and the space between them shrank as they continued to walk again. Severus felt weak with relief that the ordeal had past and he inhaled what felt like the first deep breath he'd taken in days.
"I was really worried, you know," she said after awhile and he raised his eyebrows, confused. They had reached farther out onto the grounds and as they rounded a shallow hill the dark lake loomed into view. Their cadence slowed to a stop and she turned to face him. "When you didn't come back. On Halloween, I mean."
"Oh God, Lily, I am so sorry about all that…." he said as the realization hit him and he suddenly found it a struggle to meet her eyes.
"I was completely chuffed when I found out you were still alive. I couldn't believe you'd just ditch me like that, you tosser," she raised a wry eyebrow. "And when Mary told me what Mulciber and Avery did to her… I was so angry. I didn't even think I'd be able to look at you."
"Lil…" He desperately wanted to say something – anything – to make it up to her, even if he knew no such words existed. His voice trailed off though and she waited patiently, her eyes wide and innocent. Finally, he just sighed and settled on, "I'm sorry."
"Why didn't you tell me what really happened?"
He knew that question would come but he still didn't have an adequate answer. His mind whirled and he turned his back to her, agitated by the mere mention of The Incident.
"I don't know." He sighed, lying.
"Were you embarrassed? Because it was James who…?" she asked quietly from behind him. He immediately tensed when she used his first name; it sounded far too intimate.
"No!" He spun back around, startling her. Severus paused and collected himself before repeating sternly, "No. I just…" Thoughts jumbled incoherently through his skull and all of them sounded just as implausible as the next. "…I just wanted to forget about the entire ordeal. That's all," he said with as much finality as he could muster and he forced himself to square his own gaze with hers. She hardly looked convinced, however.
"Sev, why would you even do something like that? We both know you're not daft," she cocked him a half grin. "Not that daft, at least."
"I must have gone mental for the evening then, because I certainly wasn't in possession of any common sense for those few hours," Severus said bitterly. "Maybe the full moon doesn't just affect werewolves; maybe it performs magical lobotomies as well."
Lily laughed. "What're you talking about?"
"It was actually on the advice of Sirius Black that I take that trip down to the Whomping Willow that night," Severus replied steadily, almost enjoying the way her smile fell into a look of sheer alarm.
"What?" She breathed, looking appalled and terrified and utterly bewildered. It was Severus' turn to grin and he added a nod.
"They left that part out?"
"Surely he didn't know what was down there…?"
"'Course he did," Severus sniffed, indignant. "Who do you think told Potter where I was? Why do you think he told him? They both knew what I was headed for."
"So he did that on purpose?" Lily looked white as a sheet, her voice barely above a whisper. "Why?"
"Because he's a dick," Severus exclaimed in exasperation as if she should have picked up on that fact by then. Lily, though, was staring absently at the ground, her fingertips touching her lips and hardly paying attention to anything he had just said. For a moment, he wondered if she was about to be sick. "Lil…?"
He was cut off as she launched herself at him and wrapped her arms around his neck so tightly he had to pull his chin up just to breathe. Somewhere between the racing of his own heart and the throbbing of the blood in his pulse, he could hear quiet, muffled sobs coming from where her head was buried at his throat. In completely unknown territory for one of the first times in his life, Severus was at a loss. He couldn't move a muscle even when he tried; all mental functions seemed to be focusing on the warm, damp section of skin where her breath was landing just above the collar of his robes. The entire situation felt awkward and uncomfortable and a part of him was desperately glad no one else was around to witness this fit of anxiety he was suffering from. Yet his arms – of their own accord – were creeping slowly upwards from his sides to gingerly rest on her back. Physical intimacy of any kind was an uncharted path for Severus that he normally would have avoided; even now he wasn't sure of what conclusion to come to. But as Lily's breathing became steadier and she leaned a bit farther into him, he found his muscles relaxing. It was warm and it seemed as if there were no space between the two participants anywhere, almost like a puzzle.
"I'm so sorry, Sev," she sniffled miserably, pulling away a bit to wipe her eyes with the sleeve of her robe. "I am such an arse. Here I thought you just went down there, against all the warnings we've been given, just… just…" She paused, shaking her head. "I don't even know why! That goit Black made it sound like… well, of course he'd leave out the fact that he told you to go and that he knew what was there…." She rolled her eyes and rubbed her cheeks with both hands, finally drawing away from Severus completely.
Severus wanted to respond with a quip about how Black had never been lauded for his integrity or how he never expected him to be anything other than a self-seeking prick, but the air seemed to have exited his lungs for good. There was a time when Lily's sympathies would have been sought after but he suddenly couldn't shake how pitiable her tears made him feel.
"I'm fine, though," he said, attempting a cocky grin. She responded only with another sniff. "Really, Lily."
"Yeah, thanks to Potter," her voice was acrid and she raised an ironic eyebrow. His bravado faltered immediately. "I don't even want to think about what might have happened had he not…"
"Don't." Severus cut across her words, his tone dangerously low. Lily shot him a look at the interruption but went quiet a moment later; he'd turned mutinous in the blink of an eye and appeared ready to do damage.
"Sev…" Lily started cautiously, gently touching his arm. He didn't even bother to look at her; he just closed his eyes. "He saved your life. You do realize that, right?"
There was an unattractive curl to Severus' upper lip that she recognized every time he fought something within. She could only dream of the atrocities that were going on in his head at that moment.
He'd never been forthcoming with physical contact, so Lily was always hesitant to initiate it herself even in the most platonic moments. But never had she seen someone so in need of a hug or a touch or even the squeeze of a hand.
The movement was subtle but enough to startle his eyes open and find tiny, thin fingers pushing strands of hair carefully away from his face. He sucked in what he was certain would be his last breath.
"Sev," She whispered, her eyebrows knitted together in genuine and dire concern. "You have to learn to let go."
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