Author's Notes: Oh, you all are patient little muffins for sticking around as long as you have! I'm sure most of you don't even remember who I am or what this is about and I can't fault you. I've been simply awful.

As an admitted angst-monger, this was the chapter I'd been both longing and dreading coming to. This kicks off the gut-punching downfall of their friendship and any hope poor Severus has of receiving her love. On the one hand, I couldn't wait to get to it because, hurray heartbreak! On the other hand, I didn't want to screw it up. So perhaps that's part of why it took so long.

Also, life is complicated. 'Nuff said.

I hope you can forgive any discontinuity in dialogue flow as I'm a Yank who's sadly out of practice in sounding like a non-Yank. If I can manage it, I'll keep at this until the end and things will get back to moderately-believable-if-not-wholly-mediocre Britspeak.

More and more apologies for this being late. Burn me in effigy if you must - I won't complain.

Comments are, as always, much appreciated. :)

Disclaimer: All characters included herein are property of JK Rowling, Scholastic and Bloomsbury (and others I'm not aware of), who all kindly look the other way when we want to play in their world. This story, however, belongs to me.

'Becoming'

Point Blank Fuchelli

Chapter Four

The holidays for Severus were, in many ways, exactly like the rest of the year. He felt (and indeed was) very much alone even while in a crowd full of people. At Hogwarts, the bustling masses were peers and students with the occasional authority figure looming ominously. The amount of time spent solitarily was considerably more at Spinner's End but during the odd family dinner, where it was impossible to avoid his father's crass, working-class relatives, the effect on Severus's nerves was quite the same.

He was never particularly excited about the holidays specifically but he did savor the overwhelming silence that seemed to cloak the small hovel for most hours of the day. For this reason he looked forward to the few weeks away even if it meant stowing his wand out of sight from his father's disapproving eye.

"Severus?" His mother called from the kitchen. "Severus, are you out of bed?" Cringing, he sighed and pulled his threadbare tweed coat from atop his trunk. "It's half-past eight already! I sincerely hope you aren't adopting the abhorrent propensity toward sleeping late while you're away at school. I shall owl Professor Dumbledore about the lack of self-discipline being instilled in the students should that be the case. There is no reason why an able body cannot and should not rise with the sun. Why, when I attended, Professor Dumkirk made sure…"

Eileen Snape was cut short by the appearance of her son, sans robe, in full muggle attire. She fussed over the collar, yanked at his sweater and swept the hair from his eyes all the while tutting disapprovingly through gray teeth. Severus heaved a great sigh and pulled out of her grasp.

"I trust you've put your wand away?" She inquired curtly, adjusting her own garments before pulling on a mud-colored pea coat. Severus nodded. "We'll floo to Diagon Alley and make a stop at Gringott's. Do you have your money?" He nodded again, tighter this time. "Good. I don't want to get all the way there only to find out you've left it in your other jumper or that you developed a hole in your trouser pocket and it's all fallen out." Eileen turned to the modest stone fireplace and Severus clenched his teeth at her back, following a few meters behind. He would have much rather gone into London on his own but as he was still underage, Gringott's would require the presence of the witch or wizard acting as the head of his household in order to complete a transaction.

"It's likely to take a bit." Eileen grimaced and narrowed her eyes disdainfully ahead as Severus ducked under the overhang and into the pit. "You remember how churlish the goblins got the last time. I don't understand why they have to be so intolerable over something as inconsequential as muggle money."

Severus kept silent the entire journey, all the way up until they reached the polished brass podium behind which a particularly sallow-looking goblin sat. His mother spoke severely, in short sentences to which he paid no mind until both she and the goblin (who, Severus just noticed, was called "Rang") paused and gave him pointed and startlingly similar glares.

"Sorry?" He mumbled, avoiding eye contact. It was moments like this when he was oddly glad that his family wasn't wealthy simply so he could avoid this contemptuous species as often as possible.

"Amount of exchange?" Rang asked. Severus fumbled in his pockets for a few of the galleons he'd been saving, retrieved five and laid them on the counter. Rang scratched something on the parchment in front of him before reaching below for a fist-full of paper bills. The goblin didn't offer anything other than silence as soon as the transaction had finished and so his mother shooed him past the line of waiting patrons and out the front doors.

"It is currently forty-two minutes past the hour, Severus." His mother stated. "I have to pick up a few articles here, so I'll give you two hours in London. Return no later than a quarter before twelve."

For a moment, Severus was struck dumb. A million explanations bounded through his brain in a matter of seconds but he silenced them all when he spoke, hesitantly.

"You mean for me to go to London… by myself?"

Eileen rolled her eyes to the back of her head. "Of course by yourself, silly boy. You're fifteen years old and Merlin knows you're capable of traipsing around the city without your mum there to hold your hand."

Brushing aside his annoyance at the assumption that he wanted her to tag along, Severus suddenly stood up straighter. He was involuntarily grateful for the independence and felt the corners of his mouth tug upward as he contemplated it.

"Keep your wits about you now, Severus. Your father will have your hide if any trouble is caused among the muggles." At this his mother, without so much as another nod, turned her tense gait in the opposite direction and left Severus standing in the bustling street, unsure of where to start.

******

Almost an hour and a half later and Severus's patience was wearing thin.

He had spent far too long browsing in half a dozen boutiques and shops, all clerked by squealing muggle girls and all hocking offensively ugly merchandise. He'd never held muggles in high regard (due largely in part to his tyrannical excuse for a father) but as his stomach turned at the ludicrously garish rubbish they consumed on a daily basis, his opinion only plummeted.

The storefronts were all beginning to look the same as he wandered aimlessly, his spirits deflating. He barely looked up as a new one passed but a pedestrian, headed in the opposite direction, stumbled awkwardly and clipped Severus's shoulder before tottering back to his feet without so much as an apology. Severus whirled around, annoyed as he remembered he'd left his wand behind at the house, and prepared to face the offender. Before he could even utter a word however, his gaze was snatched by the window display at the small shop he very nearly ignored. The simple shelves and velvet-lined cases glittered delicately under white lights where a few pieces of elegant jewelry lay out tauntingly. In all honesty, money itself never held much appeal to Severus except for the power that inevitably went along with it; material possessions seemed like a waste of resources to his cynical mind. At the moment however, his thoughts weren't focused on logic; his thoughts weren't even in London. No, just then he was transfixed by a simple silver bracelet with a dozen stones that perfectly matched the shade of Lily's kelly-green eyes.

The shop, Ginger's, was practically empty when he shuffled inside and out of the cold. An elderly, bald man was busy with a young couple trying on rings so Severus paced awkwardly near the door, sneaking a glance at the window display every few seconds and fidgeting nervously. An inner monologue chided his unexpected anxiety. This was the very reason he'd come to London, wasn't it? Generally he avoided large congregations of muggles whenever he could but this, he'd told himself, this was different.

Last year, with a light snow falling in the twilight, he'd been caught unawares by Lily appearing on his doorstep Christmas evening, small wrapped box under her arm. She'd laughed and waved him off when he fumbled through an apology for not having something in return but nothing could quell his inner self-reproach. In all their years as friends they'd never exchanged gifts so he had no reason to expect that December should be different. But as he shyly took the package from her he couldn't help but ask himself angrily why the idea had never occurred to him. That night after she'd left and he lay alone in the dark of his bedroom, Severus swore he'd make up for the blunder the following year.

"Have you been helped?"

A middle-aged blonde had emerged from the back and was making strides towards him, snapping Severus from his reverie. The woman smiled warmly but he couldn't see the benefit of returning the sentiment so he merely cleared his throat.

"No. I wanted to inquire about the, um, bracelet." He stated. She blinked and after a beat, he clarified, "The one in the window. The green one."

"Oh, isn't it just lovely?" She cooed immediately, brushed past him and in less time than it took Severus to blink she'd pulled a small key from her pocket and unlocked the glass doors. "It's so common to see peridot with gold but I think it's an exquisite match with the silver. And so unique!" She took the velvet setting out from under the lights and retrieved the piece gently. Severus's heart sped up as she held it out mere centimeters from his face. The brilliant green stones were even more striking this close and he felt suddenly… nauseous. This had been his intention from the beginning but facing the reality of what he was doing made him feel awfully committed. Surely this was a lot of money and Severus had no good idea as to what was and wasn't "pretty". What if she didn't like it? What if she already had something similar? Would she tell him or would she simply pretend to like it just to spare his feelings and then toss it in her bureau when she got home?

"It's a fantastic steal too, you know." The woman said brightly, winking down at him. "Sale for the hols and all. We're letting it go for a measly eleven pounds."

With time wearing down and having found nothing even remotely as appealing, Severus took a deep breath and nodded resolutely.

"I'll take it."

******

The twilight was just settling into the sky on Christmas evening and Severus was enjoying what he considered the best gift of all: silence.

Since turning eleven he no longer attended the family gatherings at the insistence of his father. Tobias had a tenuous understanding of what exactly magic entailed and, after witnessing his son's burgeoning abilities, became paranoid at the notion of some freak wand misfiring taking place in the middle of supper. Eileen, while still not entirely trusted to keep a tight reign on her "problem," was allowed to accompany her husband in order to corroborate that their son was of the sickly sort and unable to travel. He never said as much, but Severus was unreasonably pleased with the arrangement. Once a year his parents left him to his own devices for three days. It mattered little to him that he spent Christmas proper by himself – in fact, that was how he preferred it – and for seventy-two hours their little two-room flat seemed enormous.

He had just finished cleaning up his dirty flatware when the knock he'd been expecting came at the front door. Even when his parents were at home they never received much company but every year Lily would escape her muggle relatives a few hours after they'd arrived and appear at his door, red-faced from the cold. "No one should have to spend the holiday all alone," she'd say, smiling. "Even if they ARE an unfriendly git." Of the world and all its occupants, Lily was just about the only person whose company he preferred to his own.

For the first time Severus felt peculiarly nervous as he thought of her standing, alone, on the other side of the door. He hesitated; his hand poised over the knob cautiously, and shook his head. How was this any different than the year before? Or every year prior? He let out a forced laugh to calm himself but his heart jump as he pulled the door open just the same.

"Merry-effing-Christmas."

It was Lily all right, but in all the years he'd known her Severus had never seen her so entirely boiled.

"Good to see you too, Lil."

She threw him a wry scowl over her shoulder as she brushed past, hastily pulling her scarf and wool coat off as she did so.

"Some people – namely my sister – have a very shaky grasp of this 'holiday spirit' duff." Lily grumbled. After throwing her things over the rack she stormed through the foyer and into the small living room, her arms folded tightly over her chest. Severus stayed mute and followed directly after, keeping just enough distance to avoid swinging, vengeful limbs. "Whatever happened to 'peace on earth, good will toward men' and all that jazz? You'd think she could stuff her ignorant, self-righteous, ill-informed judgments for one day!" She punctuated the tirade with an enraged "GUH!" and threw herself ceremoniously onto the gray, threadbare couch, still fuming quietly.

"What happened this time?" Severus finally dared to ask once the slow burn appeared to be tapering off. Without meeting his eyes she looked up and scowled deeper.

"She's always fussing about her complexion, right? So I bought her Fink's Fast-acting Foam because Ingrid swore by it last term – you remember that, don't you? It was like a bloody miracle and she only had to deal with that blue tint for a day or two, a small price to pay if you ask me considering what her skin looked like before – and she was fine with it this morning, maybe even pleased, if you can ever call Tuney 'pleased'. But then she asked over pudding – HOURS later – where I got it. So I told her and of course she'd never heard of the place, so guessing correctly that Smead's wasn't a "normal" store by her uptight, narrow-minded standards, she decided that she didn't want it and threw it away! Without even trying it!" By this point, Severus could see fat tears collecting in the corners of her eyes despite the still furious tone to her voice. Even though her sister's inconsiderate behavior was nothing new, it never failed to sting like a fresh wound after each thoughtless act that Lily weathered. "I found it in the rubbish bin, Sev! She didn't even try to hide what she'd done! It's like she's purposely trying to upset me."

"Honestly Lil, I don't know why you even bother with her anymore when she's practically considered herself an only child ever since Hogwarts." Severus said as he made his way to the other side of the sofa. Lily exhaled wearily and her expression grew softer.

"Because… I mean, she's my sister, Sev. You can't just break-up with family like a girlfriend or a mate." She looked resigned, as if she knew her future only held more of the same treatment, and shrugged. "I don't know how she does it, you know? Acting like I'm some third-cousin she hardly knows and barely tolerates – I could never manage it."

"She's an old boiler, I tell you; totally heartless." Severus sniffed disparagingly and raised a skeptical eyebrow. "I don't know how you two even came from the same womb. Are you sure she wasn't adopted?"

Lily cocked a small grin and looked over at him from the corner of her eye. "It's more likely that it was me they bought. I'm the one with the weird 'impurity,' you'll remember; the odd-ball in the family."

"Well, your parents are the intelligent sort. After seeing what happened with their first, they probably didn't want to take their chances at turning out another Petunia."

Lily laughed fully now and shook her head. "Merlin save us if there were two of her."

"You're heads and tails over her, Lil. A far better sister than she deserves." He paused and without thinking added, "Not to mention dead prettier."

Severus could hardly believe his own words and the silence that followed felt awkward and stifling in the small room. His eyes darted from his lap to her face for a split second before he caught her blushing, staring into her own lap. The small smile that crept onto her lips did nothing to remove the sudden lump in his throat though and he was grateful when she spoke so he didn't have to.

"Yes, well, a fat lot of good it does me. I might as well have leprosy rather than freckles in her mind." Lily paused for a moment and sighed wearily, and then jumped up from her seat. "But enough of that nonsense, Sev; I've got something for you."

Again struck with a rather unfamiliar anxiety, Severus stood nervously and fidgeted. Should he go get the bracelet now? Or should he wait? Lily was shuffling in the pocket of her hastily discarded coat at the moment, mumbling under her breath "it's around here somewhere, I swear I brought – ah!" With a yelp she fell onto her backside but held a flat parcel tied with a large green bow triumphantly in her hands.

"McGonagall taught me how to bewitch containers so they can hold more but I think I went a little mad with my coat, to be honest. I've lost more quills and sickles and sherbet drops in its depths than I care to count." She looked pleased when she stood but as she handed it to an uncomfortable Severus, her cheeks turned a faint shade of pink again. "Anyway, here." She smiled despite the odd electricity that hung in the air. "Merry Christmas, Sev."

She was watching him expectantly so he hesitated only for a moment before tearing the paper wrapping from it. Unsurprisingly, it was a book but one with very little engraving on the cover – just three initials and a family name in the bottom right corner: T. M. S. Hook. Severus stared, breathless, and turned the ancient volume over in his hands.

"Lily, how did you…? Is it really?" He finally met her eyes and she looked as if she was about to burst with anticipation.

"If it's not then it's an extraordinary copy." Severus flipped it open and thumbed through several well-worn pages, marveling at the hand-written text and detailed diagrams that accompanied each page. "I already tried out a couple at random and from what I can tell it seems genuine."

"How in the hell did you ever manage to find it?"

"Utter dumb luck." She replied. "I was at Borgin and Burke's – don't tell McGonagall, you know how she feels about that place – and I stumbled upon it by sheer chance. I was trying to find something on cures for the nastier, more malicious hexes when I literally tripped over it." By now she was beaming with pride. It was obviously something she'd been dying to tell him ever since it happened. "I've had it for months now and it was all I could do not to give it to you sooner."

"Lily, I don't even…" He trailed off before his eyes widened and slowly shook his head. "Are you sure you don't want to keep it?" She scoffed.

"Please! Sev, I bought it for you." She grinned wickedly. "Besides, we're in the same class so it'll practically be mine anyway."

"Lord. Slughorn won't know what to do with himself."

"Well, he already thinks your potions prowess is bordering on genius. After this I wouldn't be surprised if he asked you to teach the class." Lily laughed and even Severus couldn't hold back an awed grin as he perused each potion more carefully. Hook had been expelled from Britain's wizarding circles hundreds of years ago and his name was barely a blip in Hogwart's History of Magic curriculum, only mentioned for having unsavory ties to revolutionary groups in Africa. Severus, however, had been sitting next to Tomas who (apparently) was a distant great-nephew and he never passed up an opportunity to sound self-important. He had scoffed under his breath at the injustice of neglecting such a brilliant potions master and was more than happy to expound on any accomplishments attached to his family name when Severus asked in between classes.

"I'm so glad you like it." Lily breathed. He looked up at her and for the first time in what seemed like years, felt wholly happy. He'd received gifts before – even gifts from her – but he couldn't remember when one had ever been so personal.

"It's incredible, Lil. I'm completely made up over it." He was sure he was glowing and at the sight, Lily's own expression got brighter. Her eyes twinkled a bright green in the dim light of the overhead lamp and he suddenly remembered the small box sitting on the bureau in his room. His face grew hot and he let his eyes dart away from her, inexplicably nervous once again. "So… do you want yours?"

For a brief moment her expression went blank before her eyes grew large. "Oh Sev, you didn't have to. Really." He managed a laugh that he hoped sounded indifferent and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"You made me feel like a right fool last year. I wasn't about to let that happen again."

She scowled. "That's silly, Sev. You know it doesn't matter one lick to me."

"So, do you want it or not?"

Lily gave a half-smile from one side of her mouth and feigned nonchalance, waving her hand dismissively. "Well, alright, seeing as how you've already gone to the trouble and all."

"Right. I'll just go get it then." He left Lily standing in the living quarters and scurried back to his door and threw it open. The small velvet box was sitting all alone with a gold bow snugly wrapped around it, just waiting for him. The churning in the pit of his stomach was becoming frighteningly familiar and he took a deep breath in hopes that it would quell the anxiety. It didn't.

Chastising himself for being so ridiculous, he snatched the box without another thought and trotted back out to his company. She'd returned to the couch and was browsing through the potions book again when she heard him approach. The little girl in her still got unreasonably excited at the prospect of Christmas presents and she failed miserably at trying to hide the anticipation. She'd always bought and received gifts with a small group of immediate family but Severus was the first friend that she felt compelled and desirous to add to that list. To her knowledge, though, none of the members of his own family did much to celebrate the holidays other than a dinner that Severus himself never attended. It always made her a bit depressed to think about, really.

"Here. Merry Christmas."

Severus tried not to watch but he felt like a vulture. His heart thudded and the roar of his pulse deafened him as he studied her expression through his eyelashes, unsure of his choice all of a sudden. Had he gone too far? Jewelry was kind of… big, now that he really thought about it. To go from nothing one year to jewelry the next might come across as presumptuous – or worse, desperate.

"Oh my…"

"It's nothing really. If you don't like it…"

"Sev, it's beautiful." Lily breathed the last word in an exhale and slowly brought her gaze up to meet his before breaking into an enormous smile. "I don't even know what to say!"

"Are you sure? Because honestly, it'd be no trouble at all to take it back…"

"Don't you dare!" She exclaimed and pulled it gently out of the box. "I love it."

Severus let out a sigh of relief that got stuck halfway when Lily launched herself at him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. In his wildest dreams he'd never imagined this kind of reaction from her and he hadn't a clue how to respond. She was laughing with her lips next to his ear and the sound accompanied by the ever so slight brush of her cheek against his own caused his heart to race. He was embarrassed and shy as she pulled away, grinning.

"Although I can't help but notice the choice of Slytherin colors." She raised an eyebrow. Severus couldn't help himself; he barked out a laugh.

"I hadn't recognized that." He said after gaining back a bit of steam. Lily nudged him with her shoulder.

"'Course you didn't." She chided while quickly fastening the chain around her wrist. For a second, though, her eyebrows slid together and she looked up seriously. "Was it terribly expensive?"

If anyone else had asked him such a question he would have been offended; as it was, Severus was only slightly affronted that she worried he might have done something foolish. But he shrugged dismissively.

"No, not really. And besides, I wanted to do it."

She smiled, blushing again. "Well, thank you. It's lovely."

"How've your hols been?" He asked, changing the subject in the hopes of drawing the conversation back to something less awkward. "I've hardly seen you."

"Alright, I guess." She shrugged and leaned back with a sigh into the worn cushions. "Spent the weekend with Grams first thing. D'you know I've got a third cousin in Italy who's a wizard?" She paused and thought for a moment. "At least, I think he's a wizard. Grams kept talking about weird things happening whenever he was around and how he attended a school she'd never heard of. I stuffed it because Mum and Dad haven't told anyone about me yet but I guess this means I'm not the only freak in the family."

"Lily, you are not a freak." Severus corrected sternly.

"No, I know. But it's a lot easier to believe that at Hogwarts, where I'm not exactly out of the ordinary. My parents don't entirely understand but, bless their hearts, they certainly try." Her face fell again and he could see already the direction the conversation was headed and felt powerless to stop it. The ache in her voice made Severus restless for reasons he couldn't fathom.

"Lily…" He started but she cut him off.

"I adore Hogwarts, you know. And there are certainly enough muggle brats running around there, so it's not as if I'm some awful peculiarity. But there aren't many that sprang from fully non-magical families and most had a parent or a sibling or an uncle that could, I dunno, coach or at least relate to them. Sometimes I feel like a complete dunce for not knowing simple things that you all have grown up with.

"And then I come home to Petunia and feel like some mental hospital escapee. I swear, there are times she looks like she expects me to burst into flame or turn her into a toad." Lily briefly scowled but deflated less than a second later. "I just… don't understand."

Rarely did Severus ever see Lily so unsure of herself and he knew her well enough to trust that it wouldn't last long. She was the type that could pick herself back up without much assistance from another and that was a very big reason why he admired her so greatly. But seeing her slumped against the lumpy sofa with a blank stare plastered on her face felt so very wrong to him and he was slightly shocked by the realization that he didn't just want her to feel better but he wanted to be the one who made it happen. Even though the sight of her so gloomy made his chest constrict painfully there was an abstract, almost possessive joy due to the fact that he was the only one present to witness it.

However, as he watched her with his brow knitted in frustrated concern, he hadn't a clue how to go about changing the matter. A barely audible inner voice suggested 'honesty' but he felt his face drain of color at just the thought. Honesty… about what?

'How you feel. What you think of her.'

What did he think of her? How did he feel? Just the questions themselves made him hyperventilate in panic without even a clear answer to give.

Unbidden, the objectionable image of James Potter popped his head. Immediately the slight terror he'd felt at his own feelings turned into something more akin to rage when he thought about Potter's blatant show of fancy. No one who witnessed it could mistake his feelings for Lily – it grew more and more obvious with each pathetic display. Yet here Severus sat – her best friend – at a loss for words when questioning what she meant to him. Even if it only amounted to a mere annoyance, at least James Potter knew where he stood with Lily. When confronted with such blunt candor, Lily would never respond with any sort of sugar-coating and it was that knowledge Severus found himself unwittingly envious of.

In the blink of an eye, however, he was forced to confront several of these very issues when Lily heaved a large sigh and slipped sideways, her head nestling effortlessly on his shoulder. Without having to contemplate anything further the pieces fell into place and Severus could no longer ignore the longing and ache emanating from his heart.

"You know, I'm not sure I fit in anywhere entirely."

He could feel her breathing slow into a steady rhythm as she nodded off, her eyelids drooping lazily. Severus had no idea whether his acknowledgment and acceptance of these feelings would affect or change their relationship, or if he even wanted them to. He shifted in his seat, freeing his arm so he could slide it over the top and behind her head. She fell further, her shoulder cradling under his and her hair creating a burgundy blanket over his bicep. She smelled like soap and cinnamon and in his short life, Severus could not remember ever having felt so content as he did listening to her low snoring.

"Actually, I think you fit well right here."

**********