Chapter Three – Something Stupid

And then I go and spoil it all

By saying something stupid like "I love you".

~ "Something Stupid" ~

Author's Note: Well, here is Chapter Three! I know I said I would only update in a week but I finished typing this up today and thought "why not?" Thank-you so much to those who have reviewed this story already (only two so far - sniff) and for everyone else, PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! It literally makes my day when I see review alerts in my inbox so please, please click the little button at the end and REVIEW!!

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling and I do not own Lupin or Tonks. (This applies for the previous two chapters as well…)

The rest of the morning and the first part of the afternoon crawled by slowly as I waited in nervous anticipation for Remus to come and visit me. I wasn't quite sure what I was going to say to him and spent the intervening time having imaginary conversations with him in my head, in which he either declared undying love for me (yeah, whatever the Healer had given me for the pain was clearly playing havoc with my brain) or declared that our friendship was over and henceforth we would only interact when necessary for Order work. Both options were extreme and frankly rather ridiculous, and as it turned out, his actual reaction was somewhere between the two.

He arrived at exactly 3.30 in the afternoon, looking tired and worn out as usual. However, perceptive as I was where he was concerned, I noticed that his usually warm eyes looked cold and hard and his mouth was ever so slightly turned down at the corners and set in a firm line, as if resolved about something. I wondered whether Molly had told him everything already and my heart sank as I considered the possibility that he might only be coming to tell me that he could not forgive me. However, I reasoned with myself, Molly wouldn't go behind my back like that and Remus is not the man to pass judgement without hearing a person's defence first. No, his expression must simply be a reflection of his grief and nothing else.

Remus came over to the side of my bed and seated himself, giving me a small smile that didn't quite meet his eyes. "Hello Nymphadora", he said softly (he had never really caught on to calling me 'Tonks' and I had giving up trying to correct him long ago). "How are you feeling today? Molly said you wanted to see me?"

"Yes. I'm feeling much better thank-you, Remus. I wanted to see you because…well…because it's not your fault that Sirius died." Remus' eyes tightened as I mentioned Sirius' name. "No, hear me out," I continued, "It was my fault. I was…distracted when I was fighting Bellatrix and if I hadn't been, Sirius wouldn't have taken over from me and he would still be alive." I finished in a rush and dared not look at him, fearing to see disgust in his face.

However, when he spoke his voice was gentle. "'Dora", he said, (he had never called me that before and I wondered why he chose to do so now of all times), "you mustn't blame yourself for being outdone by Bellatrix. She is a very experienced and powerful witch and she has killed many seasoned duellers. You're lucky she only Stunned you – it could have been so much worse." His face went a shade paler if that were possible and he involuntarily clenched his fists. "Don't blame yourself for Sirius' actions. He knew what he was doing. He just overestimated Bellatrix, that's all. It's not your fault."

"But it is!" I cried, frustrated. I shouldn't get off so easily. "Bellatrix didn't just beat me because of her superior skill, which I don't deny. She beat me because I was distracted when…when I saw you fighting that big Death Eater and I was gripped by a sudden fear that something might happen to you because…because…" I couldn't say it; I couldn't tell him I loved him. Remus looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to finish. "Because you're my friend and I care about you", I concluded lamely. Was it my imagination or did a strange mixture of relief and disappointment cross his face? I couldn't be sure because when I looked again it was gone. I concluded it was merely my imagination and continued, "So you see, it was my fault that Sirius died because I was irresponsible and allowed myself to be distracted when I should have known better." There! It was out. And now all I had to do was wait for him to pass judgement. Simply peachy….

Remus was silent for a moment which felt like several moments to me in my highly-strung state, and when he cleared his throat I squeaked with nerves and embarrassedly tried to fob it off as a hiccup. Apparently he was not fooled because he gave me a small smile before speaking.

"Nymphadora," (back to that again, huh?), "I am touched by your concern for me but I still don't feel that you need to blame yourself for Sirius' death. What you did, whilst unwise, was human and understandable and Sirius' death does not rest on your hands. If anyone is to blame, it's me for not forcing him to stay at Grimmauld Place when he proved reluctant. However, I have been thinking about that and I have come to terms with the fact that Sirius, when determined enough, would find a way to get his will – especially where Harry was concerned. And so I don't blame myself for what happened any more than you should blame yourself…I do miss him very much though."

As he said this, his voice shook a little and the pain he was feeling became evident on his face. Without thinking, I reached over and took his hand in mine. He grasped it back for a few precious seconds and then, seeming to recollect where he was and who he was with, he let go of my hand again as quickly as if it were that biting snuffbox from Grimmauld Place and stood up again, the cold, expressionless mask descending once more over his features.

"Well Nymphadora, I fear that I have overstayed my welcome. I hope that I have set your mind at rest though and that I won't hear any more talk of blame. I'm glad to see that you're feeling better and I am sure that I will see you at Order meetings. Till then."

And with this oddly formal speech, he walked out of the room, leaving me to deal with a medley of emotions, of which relief and confusion were the uppermost.

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I was released from St Mungo's the next day and my life soon settled back into its pre-Department-of-Mysteries-fiasco routine. Well almost. As the weeks went by, I couldn't help but notice that Remus seemed to be distancing himself from me. He was still infallibly polite as always, but somehow we had slipped from friendship back to being mere acquaintances. He did not actually avoid me – nothing that anyone else could notice and question him on – rather he just found ways to end our conversations quickly and to always be talking to someone else or be busy doing something whenever I entered a room. At first, I thought I was just imagining things and put it to the back of my mind, but after a couple of weeks of this behaviour, I could ignore it no longer. I felt terribly hurt as I wondered whether he did blame me for Sirius' death after all, despite his words to the contrary, and after much thought I decided to get him on his own and confront him about it, as I could not handle hi cool reserve towards me any longer.

Getting him on his own was easier said than done, as some sixth sense seemed to have warned him that a confrontation was coming, and he made sure to be surrounded by other members of the Order or to be out whenever I was around. However, I eventually managed to corner him and demanded to know why he was treating me as less than a friend:

"Ever since you visited me in St Mungo's, you have been less than warm towards me, treating me with cool civility as if we had never been more than mere acquaintances. I tried to ignore it at first but I can't any longer and I can't help but wonder if you were less than truthful to me at St Mungo's, and if you do blame me after all. If it isn't that, then I can't figure out what it is and I'm feeling miserable trying to work out what I've done to offend you so."

I blurted this out quickly, hardly pausing for breath, and then looked at him expectantly.

Remus sighed heavily and ran his hands distractedly through his greying hair. When he spoke, his voice was heavy and he seemed to be weighing each word carefully.

"'Dora," (again, that nickname), "I'm so sorry that you've been feeling miserable and thinking that I blame you for Sirius' death. I don't, as I told you before, and I apologise if I didn't make that clear enough. I have however been less than truthful to you over the past few weeks and for that I ask your forgiveness."

He sighed again here and looked down at his hands which were clasped loosely in his lap. Then after a few seconds, he raised his eyes until they met mine and spoke again, maintaining eye contact with me all the while.

"After the affair at the Department of Mysteries, I fell into the depths of despair and hardly spoke with anyone for two days. The other members of the Order attributed my reserve and misery to Sirius' death and assumed that I blamed myself for what happened. In actual fact however, as I told you before, I realised fairly quickly that Sirius would have found a way to get to the Department of Mysteries no matter what, and so I didn't blame myself for his death for long. Whilst grief over his loss was certainly part of the reason for my withdrawal, it was not the only, nor surprisingly the main reason. No, the chief cause for my despair was something else entirely…."

I raised my eyebrows, looking at him in confusion, but he raised a hand to indicate that I should let him continue.

"As you know," he resumed in a voice that was not so steady now, "another person was injured at the Ministry that night, and for a few brief (but oh so long) minutes, I thought she was dead. She looked so pale, you see, and there was quite a large pool of blood around her head, and in that awful moment when I thought that she too was gone, I realised something."

My heart started to hammer in my chest as I realised that he was talking about me.

"I realised that I loved her. I loved her and I couldn't bear to lose her. My fear that she was gone was so great that it temporarily drowned out even my deep grief over the death of my best friend. It was a love that had been coming on so gradually that I hadn't even noticed it until now when it hit me with the force of a flying bludger."

"My agony at the thought of her death fortunately did not last long, as one of our number (I forget who) checked her pulse and found that it was still beating, albeit faintly. However, the first agony was quickly replaced with a second even greater, as with relief at her still being alive came the sickening realisation that she could never be mine anyway. I was not, am not, a suitable partner for her, being both a dangerous monster and far too old for her, and so I turned by back on her still form and spent the next two days battling within myself until I knew that I could face her again without giving any of my feelings away and without going back on my resolve."

He took a deep breath here and continued in a softer voice, "As I am sure you worked out long ago, 'Dora, the woman to whom I am referring is you…I love you, but I know that nothing can come of it and so I resolved not to burden you with the knowledge of my love."

As he finished, I felt as though my heart would burst from my chest with joy – he loved me! Remus John Lupin loved me! I brushed aside the information that he thought a relationship between us was impossible – that would surely change once he knew that I loved him too, and for now all I could think about, all that my mind could register, was the glorious fact that the man I loved, loved me back.

I turned glowing eyes on him (as least I assumed they were glowing since I couldn't see them myself for obvious reasons) and cried, "Remus, but that's wonderful! You see I love you too and have for ever so long and all this time I was thinking that you didn't even like me anymore, when in actual fact you love me! Oh, I can't wait to tell everyone! I'm so happy, I feel sure my hair must be changing colour by the second!"

Remus sat through my outburst in silence and when I looked at him, I saw a range of emotions flickering across his face – relief, joy, humour…and then, no wait….sadness? Resolve? As I watched him, his face was hardening before my very eyes and I felt a sinking feeling somewhere in the pit of my stomach as I realised that maybe I had been rejoicing too soon. I recognised that look. It was the one he always had before he went on an especially dangerous or difficult mission – a purposeful, determined look that showed he was steeling himself for what was to come, and when he spoke, I felt a coldness trickle down my spine as through I had just been Disillusioned.

"Nymphadora," he said in an earnest but firm voice, "I meant what I said when I said that nothing could happen between us. I am not a fit match for anyone, least of all someone as young and untouched as yourself. I am sincerely sorry that you have formed an attachment to me ("formed an attachment" – how cold…), but I am sure that given time you will get over it and meet someone who is infinitely more deserving of your affections."

"But…" I interrupted, desperately wanting to tell him that I didn't want anyone else – he was he only one I wanted and always would be, however before I could go any further, he held up his hand to stop me and said, "No Tonks" (Tonks? Since when did he call me 'Tonks'?).

"This is my last word on the subject. I don't think we should talk about it again. I'm sorry."

And with these simple yet shattering words, he stood up and left me.

A/N: Dun dun dun!! Look for the next chapter in about a week's time and don't forget to REVIEW!!! Please!:-)