Chapter Four – On My Own
Without him,
The world around me changes;
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.
"On My Own", Les Miserables ~
Author's Note: No, thine eyes do not deceive thee! This is indeed ANOTHER update and a really LONG one too!!! Thank-you to all those who have reviewed, and added this story to their alerts and favourites It means the world to me, really! So read, enjoy and don't forget to leave a lovely REVIEW at the end!!:-)
Disclaimer: You may recognise that some of the dialogue in this chapter is from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. So once again, I reiterate that I am not JK Rowling and I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, Lupin or Tonks.
I can't recall much of what happened over the next few months, because after the initial shock at Remus' words, a deep depression set in. It was as if all the colour in the world had been drained away and someone had repainted it in shades of grey. I lost all zest for life – even my passion for my job flickered and died, and I wandered around much like a person who had undergone the Dementor's Kiss – soulless and merely going through the motions of living.
Unfortunately, I could not keep the cause of my depression secret from anyone as my hair was now permanently light brown streaked with grey (I did not have the emotional energy or the will to try and change it), and even my Patronus had changed from a moose (clumsy but endearing as my father always used to joke) to a werewolf. Nothing could be more glaringly obvious and yet it was proof of my emotional numbness that I did not feel horribly mortified by it as I would have done under normal circumstances. No, I felt nothing. Just a cold despair that the man I loved loved me back and yet was firmly resolved to never do anything about it. One would think that the knowledge that he at least loved me would have made it easier, but on the contrary, it made it far worse. To know that I had come so close to happiness only to have it foiled by one man's misplaced stubbornness was simply too much to bear. I ached at the thought of what might have been had he not decided to be so 'noble'.
However Life, as I discovered, plods mercilessly on. It is no respecter of persons and continues, with or without you. I decided that, whilst 'spunky Tonks' may not be about to make a spontaneous revival, I was certainly not going to let Life leave me behind. And so I 'woke up' as it were, at least to an extent – I doubt I was much fun to be around, but at least I was no longer quite so dead to the world and was actually interacting with people again (much to their regret no doubt!).
I didn't see much of Remus during this time because since the Ministry had become aware of Voldemort's return, Dumbledore had given him the very dangerous but necessary mission of infiltrating the underground werewolves as a spy – a task that he was not too happy about, but which he acknowledged as a necessary evil. To be honest, I was kind of glad that I didn't have to see him too much as it wasn't very easy to keep up a façade in his presence. Molly, in whom I had confided one tearful and vulnerable evening, did not seem to understand this as she tried several times to 'set us up' as it were, by inviting us both to family dinners and whatnot, but I always politely refused these invitations, and I have a feeling that Remus did as well.
The few times I did see him, I tried desperately to persuade him that he was wrong about us; that we could be a couple and that I didn't care for goodness' sake that he was a werewolf or that he was a lot older than me. When you are in love, things like that don't matter any more – I always thought that 'love is blind' was one of the cheesiest and most inaccurate sayings ever, but that was before I fell in love with Remus Lupin. I now realised that in fact, nothing could be truer – not in the sense that you don't see the flaws in the person you love or that you are unaware of potential difficulties in your relationship, but simply in the sense that when you love someone enough, those things, whilst you may be fully aware of them, are unimportant. But no matter how hard I tried to persuade him, no matter what lines of reasoning I used, Remus remained stubbornly convinced that he was an unfit partner for anyone and ridiculously believed that given enough time, I would eventually get over him and move on. If only it were that easy.
The one drawback to not seeing him so often was that I always had the pressing fear on my heart that something might happen to him and I wouldn't hear about it till much later. As a result, I kept a constant eye on the "Deaths and Missing" column, a new and rather morbid and yet sadly all too necessary addition to the Daily Prophet, as well as keeping my ears open for any rumours or pertinent gossip, in the desperate (and probably rather futile) hope that if something happened, I would somehow be alerted to the fact, preferably before it was too late.
As the start of the school term drew nearer, the Ministry assigned me and three other Aurors to take up residence in Hogsmeade in order to keep a closer eye on Hogwarts and provide protection for the students. When Dumbledore heard about this, he approached me and requested that I keep a particular eye on Harry, as I was the only member of the Order amongst the four Ministry-assigned Aurors. Thus it was that I found myself watching out for his arrival as the scarlet Hogwarts train came trundling into Hogsmeade on September the first.
I stood at the Hogsmeade Station watching the students get off with their trunks, owls, cats etc, chattering excitedly about the events of the past few months, many of them still personally untouched by Voldemort's return. Would that it would last. I saw Ron, Ginny, Hermione and that strange Luna Lovegood get off but still no Harry. Perhaps he was in the toilet or something. I waited. And waited. I saw Draco Malfoy get off with a rather smug expression on his pale, pointed face, but Harry was nowhere to be seen. Getting worried, I started to patrol along the side of the train, peering in the windows as I went. All empty. I was about to alert Dumbledore when I saw that one window had the blinds suspiciously drawn. Running to the closest door, I hopped inside the train and made my way towards the corresponding cabin. Opening the door I saw no one, but remembering that Harry owned an Invisibility Cloak, I groped around until I felt something, and taking a firmer grip, I yanked upwards to reveal Harry lying curled up underneath in a foetal position, his nose broken and bloody.
"Wotcher, Harry", I murmured, and performed finite incantatem to end the Body Binder curse that he was clearly under. Harry's body unfroze and he sat up, wiping some of the blood off his face and looking at me with a mixture of embarrassment, relief and surprise. "We'd better get out of here, quickly," I said as the train started to rumble into life beneath us, "Come on, we'll jump." I hurried down the corridor with Harry following after me, and pulling the train door open, I leapt onto the platform, landing rather ungracefully, but then that was nothing new for me. I heard Harry land with a 'thump' next to me and turned to see him staggering a little to get his balance. Well at least I wasn't the only clumsy one, I thought, with a small amount of humour. I handed him the Invisibility Cloak, which I had been holding till now, and asked him who had done this to him.
"Draco Malfoy," he said rather bitterly (well, that would explain Malfoy's smug look as he got off the train then), "Thanks for…well…"
"No problem," I cut him off quickly. I could see that he was embarrassed and resented being found in such an undignified position. Looking at him, I was reminded of his broken nose and offered to fix it for him. He looked a bit dubious at first (probably with reason, I reflected ruefully), but seeming to decide that he had no choice he closed his eyes and waited for the damage. I performed the Healing spell and to both his relief and mine, his nose mended itself without any nasty added effects. He felt his nose gingerly just to make sure, and obviously deciding that it was still the right shape and size, he thanked me enthusiastically.
I ignored his thanks and pointed out that it would be wise to put his Cloak back on so that we could walk up to the school without him being seen. As Harry complied, I waved my wand and sent a Patronus to Hagrid to let him know that Harry had arrived safely and was with me.
"Was that a Patronus?" Harry asked curiously. Hoping that he had not recognised the form that my Patronus now took, I replied "Yes, I'm sending word to the castle that I've got you, or they'll worry. Come on, we'd better not dawdle."
As we walked towards the school grounds, Harry continued with his questions. "How did you find me?" I explained to him about noticing that he had not left the train and then seeing the drawn blinds on the compartment.
"But what are you doing here, anyway?" he continued.
"I'm stationed in Hogsmeade now, to give the school extra protection."
"Is it just you who's stationed up here, or-?"
"No, Proudfoot, Savage and Dawlish are here too." I answered briefly, wishing that he would stop asking so many questions. I was in no mood for chit-chat. However, Harry did not seem to get the hint and continued, "Dawlish, that Auror Dumbledore attacked last year?"
"That's right." My reply was even shorter this time and fortunately he seemed to get the hint and stopped talking.
We walked on in silence until we arrived at the school gates which were chained shut. Harry tried to open them using Alohomora, which under normal circumstances would have made me snort with laughter, but in my current mood just faintly annoyed me. "That won't work on these," I told him, "Dumbledore bewitched them himself."
Harry looked around and came up with another bright idea, "I could climb a wall," he suggested hopefully.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and simply said, "No, you couldn't. Anti-intruder jinxes on all of them. Security's been tightened a hundredfold this summer."
My mood appeared to have rubbed off on Harry because his next words were a terse suggestion that he sleep out here till morning. I ignored this comment and, as I noticed that a bobbing lantern was getting steadily closer from the direction of the castle, pointed out that someone was coming down for him.
As the lantern and its carrier got closer, I recognised with a sinking feeling the greasy visage of Severus Snape, my least favourite member of the Order. He made some snide remark to Harry and then turned to me, saying "There is no need to wait, Nymphadora," (unlike Remus, Snape deliberately used my first name to annoy me), "Potter is quite – ah – safe in my hands."
I frowned at him, knowing that he was enjoying every minute of Harry's and my discomfort. "I meant Hagrid to get the message," I told him, and he informed me that Hagrid was late for the feast. I hoped that nothing had happened to him, and as I thought this, my stomach clenched at the thought of another member of the Order who was also out risking his life. I forcefully shook this thought out of my head, in time to hear Snape remarking that he was interested to see my new Patronus. He shut the gates with a loud clang and continued, "I think you were better off with the old one. The new one looks weak." His words were like a punch to my gut and I stared at him in anger and dismay. How dare he say that Remus was weak?
As I turned away, I heard Harry telling me goodnight and thanking me once again. "See you, Harry", I replied softly, and feeling more alone than ever, I began to make my way back towards Hogsmeade to the room in the Hog's Head Inn, where I was staying.
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I didn't see much of Harry after that – he seemed to be keeping out of trouble (outside of school grounds at any rate), and so I only saw him from a distance during the occasional weekend Hogsmeade visits. Only once did I have to make my presence known, intervening when he was about to throttle Mundungus Fletcher (not that it would have been a great loss to the wizarding world if he had succeeded), but otherwise I remained at a discrete distance.
Christmas came and went; a bleak and lonely affair as I spent it alone, my parents having gone to Greece for the holiday and my orders from the Ministry being to stay at Hogsmeade so as to protect those students who had elected to remain at Hogwarts for the break. Molly had kindly invited me to join them for Christmas dinner, knowing that I would be alone, but when she 'happened' to mention that Remus would be there too, I made up a random excuse not to go. I knew that she was worried about me, as I had been getting steadily thinner, food having no real appeal for me in my current state of mind, but quite frankly Christmas alone was way preferable to Christmas with a Remus who did not want to be with me. So I politely refused and mentally prepared myself for a lonely Christmas.
After Christmas, things carried on much as before, surprisingly uneventful in fact, until sometime towards the end of the school year when a rumour reached my ears which made my heart stop in its tracks. The rumour concerned Fenrir Greyback, the vicious and truly evil werewolf who had bitten Remus as payback for something Remus' father had done when Remus was a boy. All I could gather, despite my frantic enquiries, was that someone had been attacked by Greyback, and I automatically assumed that that someone was none other than my Remus (yes, I know he was not technically mine, but cheesy as it sounds that is what I called him in my heart).
Failing to find out anything else through the usual means, I concluded that the only person who could tell me what had happened and who would know if Remus was involved, was Dumbledore. And so, without further consideration, despite the fact that it was early on a Sunday morning, I quickly made my way to the school gates, and from there to Dumbledore's office.
However, when I gave the password ("Chocolate Frog") to the gargoyle at the door, it informed me in a bored voice that Dumbledore was not in at the present moment and would I like to leave a message? I replied that no, I would not like to leave a message, and turned away disappointedly to head back down the seventh-floor corridor on which Dumbledore's office was situated.
I was walking down the corridor without really paying any particular attention as to where I was going (never a wise move for someone as chronically clumsy as me), lost in my rather depressing thoughts, when out of nowhere I heard a loud "OUCH!", and turning around I saw Harry hopping around on one foot, his Invisibility Cloak lying in a crumpled heap on the floor at his feet.
"Harry?" I asked, bewildered.
He spun around and promptly fell over – apparently my clumsiness was rubbing off on him, and as he scrambled to his feet again, he asked "What're you doing here?"
"I came to see Dumbledore," I replied. He scrutinised me, probably noticing my less than healthy appearance. However, much to my relief, he did not remark upon it, saying only, "His office isn't here. It's round the other side of the castle, behind the gargoyle-"
"I know," I cut him off. "He's not there. Apparently he's gone away again."
Harry looked surprised and asked me whether I knew where Dumbledore had gone. I replied that I did not, to which he responded by asking me what I wanted to see him about, a question I would much rather have avoided.
I picked subconsciously at the sleeve of my robe as I gave a rather vague answer to the effect that I had heard some rumours about people getting hurt and thought that Dumbledore might know what was going on.
"Yeah, I know, it's all been in the papers," Harry replied, "That little kid trying to kill his-"
I cut him off once again, telling him that the Prophet was often behind the times (I should know seeing as how I obsessively checked it for news about Remus). As thought of Remus entered my head, I was again reminded of why I had come here and with something akin to desperation, I turned to Harry and asked him whether he had had any letters from anyone in the Order, hoping against hope that maybe Remus, with his obvious soft spot for Harry, might have written to him.
I only heard the first part of his next sentence ("No one from the Order writes to me any more"), and then my mind blanked out in despair and loneliness and I felt, to my dismay and intense embarrassment, that my eyes had filled with tears.
I quickly tried to blink them away, whilst Harry muttered that he was sorry and said that he missed him too. I looked at him blankly. He couldn't possibly know about my love for Remus, could he? I mean sure, everyone in the Order knew, but they wouldn't have told him, would they?
"What?" I asked, and then deciding that I didn't actually want to hear it after all, hastily added, "Well….I'll see you around, Harry…." and turning, I left him before he could ask me any more probing questions.
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Weeks turned into months, until one evening Dumbledore contacted me to let me know that he was going to be leaving the school for a few hours and would I patrol the school corridors as extra protection. He had had me do this a couple of times before when he was gone wherever it was that he went, and it was always uneventful, so I wasn't particularly worried. However, this time he informed me that Remus and Bill would be patrolling with me as well. I hadn't seen Remus in about three months, although he had never been far from my thoughts, and my stomach gave a little excited but nervous wriggle at the thought of seeing him again tonight. Chances are that we would hardly run into each other at all, as we would be patrolling different corridors, but I would still see him, and my palms were clammy with nerves at the thought.
Little did I know that that night would hold a much more real and serious cause for fear.
A/N: He he! Cliffie! Although you all know what is coming next…..SO, seeing as I gave you such a nice LONG chapter so QUICKLY, please be nice and REVIEW!!!!