Flame
***
Bhask came in and flopped in a chair.
"Hi," he muttered.
"Bad day?"
He shook his head, curling up awkwardly in the chair. I waited.
"This is going to sound bad? But I'm so sick of this," he said. "What if he never wakes up?"
"Bhask, sh-" I looked for Ayasha on Alex's bed, but she wasn't there.
"Did you see where Yash went?"
He indicated vaguely in the direction of the door.
"Went to the loo, I spose."
I gave him a long hug, wishing I could fix it.
"I better go get her. He can't stay like this forever, Bhask."
He turned away.
"See ya," he muttered.
Ayasha was waiting at the lift.
"Hey Yashie," I said carefully; she'd never been at the lift before. Was she finally sick of waiting too?
"You coming home with me?"
She nodded, eyes focused somewhere else. I watched her for a second, wandering where she was. Then I pressed the lift button.
***
She followed me into the house like a lamb. Where was the shrieking biting devil child of the other week? I dumped my bag and shoved some food in the microwave, listening to Dorsey on the answering machine. It was an old message, months old now, but I kept it to listen to her voice.
"I just heard about Alex. I guess you're at the hospital... I'll meet you there."
She had never made it; the snow too deep, too quick. She was stranded til the snow melted.
My eyes had rested on a neat pile of objects on a kitchen shelf. A shirt, jacket, pants, some maps, all neatly folded, boots, a wallet, and a brown paper bag of lollies. The personal effects that had come with Alex's body, and had for some reason stayed on a shelf in the kitchen ever since. Probably where I'd shoved it as soon as I got in the door, so I didn't have to think about what to do with it. The rest of his stuff had come later, and sat in the garage in boxes still. Everything was in limbo.
Ayasha was digging around in the closet, and came into the kitchen holding up her deflated beach ball like a triumphant gladiator.
"Ball," she said with satisfaction just about bursting from her.
"That's great," I said, completely lost. It was a ball. At least, it was when it was blown up. I searched for some kind of connection to the day's events, but there hadn't been any events.
"Make ball," she clarified, as if directing someone clearly dim-witted.
"Now?"
I was too tired for full sentences. She nodded, and I blew it up, watching dinner revolve in the microwave as the ball grew and grew. I handed it to her and she beamed, jogging over to the front door, and looking back at me expectantly. I leaned on the counter, watching her go, trying to figure her out.
"Daddy," she said firmly, excitement making her eyes just about glow.
"Oh, no," I said, comprehension finally shining through, "No. We'll take it to him in the morning. Mummy is really, really tired. Dinner, and then I'm going to go to sleep."
She stood motionless, her eyes widened with sudden fear. What had I said now? What was wrong with sleeping…
"Oh, no, honey, just for a little bit. Just a little while, I promise. In the morning, we'll take Daddy the ball. Ok?"
"Promise?"
I nodded, words caught in my throat.
She drifted into sleep in my arms, and I remembered the day Alex had given her that ball.
She had run down to the park with it, Bhask, Alex and I in tow, strolling through the smoky afternoon light. The last of the autumn leaves clung to near naked branches, shivering in the chill air, holding on to the bitter end, as long as possible, before they fainted down to their fallen, dried up comrades on the ground.
It was a special evening, because it was Alex's last night with us; he was heading north the next day, to our Northern Soul -free zone.
"We're going to have a little play tonight, and then I have to go away tomorrow, but when I come back, we'll play a lot more, ok?" he told her, holding her sides while she drank in his words.
We'd played long into the evening, rolling the ball over the grass between us with our hands, Bhask trying to teach Yash how to kick it, an awkward game of hands on football…
The next day Alex had gone north. And I, for once, had stayed behind. I had enough of the Soul-free zones for a while. Murmansk still lingered in my dreams. But apparently, our North was different.
Alex had called a week later, shining with enthusiasm for the place. Yash ran to get the ball.
"I think Yashie wants to talk to you," I said, watching her jiggle up and down with it at my feet, grinning. I passed her the phone, and she tried to stick the ball awkwardly under one arm.
"Daddy!"
She listened to him speak, nodding occasionally, and he didn't seem to need to hear her to know she was listening rapturously.
"Oh no!" she said, scowling, "No, Daddy."
"What's going on?" I asked, taking the phone from her.
"I was telling Yash it was so nice up here I might stay for longer," he said.
"Oh dear."
"Come with me, all of you."
"Up there?"
"It's wonderful up here, you have to come."
"I don't know." I had not the slightest bit of desire to see another Soul-free zone.
"It's amazing, you'll love it," Alex cajoled, "There's even sunlight!"
"Yeah, but will they love us?"
"They've had Souls up here before. Come on, I miss you guys."
This was something I had no defense for. He could sense me caving in.
"There's a plane comes up on Sunday. Hurry though, there's some festival on…"
"Alright, I'll look into it right away."
"I can't wait to see you, babe."
"Hang on, Yash didn't hear that-"
"You're so funny."
It was only when I hung up I remembered the Peace rally on Sunday. People were rallying all over the world for peace between humans and Souls. Everyone was going to be there. Now we'd miss it, but no matter; seeing Alex was definitely higher on the priority list. I'm not sure peace was even on Yashie's list. It seemed to be mainly consumed with hanging around family.
But as it turned out, we never got on that plane: another family whipped in and got the last seats before us. I left a message with the receptionist at the northern Soul-free zone band council to let Alex know we'd be up the next week, and we went to the rally after all.
And then the plane had crashed, and they had shut down all non-essential aviation in the north. I had forgotten about that, because it was that afternoon that we got the news that Alex had been found unconscious in a frozen lake. And my world had crashed too.
Yashie had been watching me as I took the call, had heard me say his name. She thought he was coming back. I had slid down the cupboards til I was sitting on the kitchen floor, staring at the linoleum, trying to remember how to breathe. I remember Yash tugging on my sleeve, and I look up. She's standing in front me, holding the beach ball. And I had to tell her that Daddy wasn't coming back.
And then I understood why Yashie wanted to take Alex the ball so badly.
Yashie was going to make him keep his promise: he had to come back and play with that ball.