Flame

***

"Betty," Yashie said loudly and pointedly, stopping the nurse in her tracks as she came through the door.

"She knows her own name, you dope," Bhask muttered, closing his book with a sigh. But Ayasha was undeterred.

"Betty. I'm Ayassie," she said, fixing the nurse with a charming smile.

"Well. Nice to meet you Ayassie," the nurse said, smiling hesitantly, clearly wondering where the little devil child had gone. But Yashie was determined to prove she could speak, and was bailing up anyone that came into the room. I had a terrible suspicion she knew they would take her away if she couldn't make enough progress.

"I better get home," I said, kissing Bhask's head, "Goodnight Yaya."

"Night Mummy. See you tomorrow. Have a good sleep," Yashie replied, overly conscious of Betty's presence behind us. I was reminded of a dog frantically doing tricks to escape a punishment, and hugged her sadly.

"See you tomorrow, baby."

***

It was windy as I drove home, the car buffeted by the side stepping gusts. It made me think of a night at Dorsey's camp, high on the ridge, watching the wind cutting through the autumn grasses in the moonlight, driving the pines wild with grief. I'd escaped the closeness of the summer camp to this isolated spot, hoping to get a better view of my thoughts. So far all I'd got was worried, confused, and cold.

I didn't fit with the Souls. I was constantly having to watch my temper, watch my words. But I didn't fit with the humans either. For one thing, they kept trying to kill me. But even those I was closest to, I couldn't feel completely comfortable with. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that my own husband had voluntarily cut off another person's toe. That didn't fit well inside me, and it made me wonder whether I could really fit in with any humans, in the long term.

"I've been looking for you," Alex said, coming up the path behind me, as if conjured by my thoughts, "Dorsey said I'd find you up here. What's up?"

"Oh, just quietly freaking out," I said lightly, making room for him on the flat boulder by the steep slope of the hill. He frowned at the sound of my voice. He was not liking my light tone.

"Not the whole toe thing again."

"I try not to think about it, but…"

"That's really your thing, isn't it? Trying not to think about it, hoping it'll just turn out? Like with Bhask…"

I wondered if he was referring to before he had met me or after I thought Bhask had died. I supposed either would be appropriate.

"Yeah, well, that's not working out so well at the moment."

He looked like I had punched him in the guts.

"No, don't look like that. It's not you personally. Well, it is, but-"

I wouldn't leave him. I couldn't leave him. But how could I stay?

"You think it was easy for me? Cutting off that toe? It wasn't easy. It shouldn't be easy."

I couldn't meet his eyes. I never knew what do with this side of Alex, but pretending it didn't exist sat more and more awkwardly in my mind.

"Why do Seekers use guns?" he asked, following my eyes out over the woodland.

I shrugged.

"It's quicker, there's less suffering…"

"You could kill, if you had to, with a gun?"

"I should've killed Kelly," I muttered. She had tried to kill Falling Smoke, almost taken Alex away from me, not to mention the people she'd killed or burnt.

"You didn't even have a gun," Alex said, "But fine. Would you have strangled her, if you'd been close enough?"

"Strangled…?"

"What's the difference between strangling her and firing at her?"

He looked at me, but I struggled to respond.

"It's easier. It's easier for both of you. But killing someone shouldn't be easy. A punishment should be difficult to give, else things get out of hand. It shouldn't be easy."

"It's easy for Blackheath," I said, looking away.

"I don't know about that," he replied, frowning, "Too easy, maybe."

His animosity towards Blackheath had faded over the years as he had been able to see past the hurt of his betrayal, to the man he had known before, the man that had been a good friend. Ever since Dorsey had returned, his comments had begun to betray that he felt for him, trapped in a foreign place far from the person he would give anything to be with.

"You shouldn't have to do it in the first place," I grumbled, sick of the whole vicious circle of fighting and punishment.

"Killing? Fighting? What happens when people stop fighting? Stop fighting for what they believe in? They'll give up. How will we improve then?"

"They don't have to stop striving… "

"Where do you draw the line? You would fight. Why is it acceptable for you but not for others?"

"Because we know where to stop."

"But you don't… Or maybe you won't know where to start. If we hadn't fought Blackheath… Look. I think you confuse what you do to individuals and what you do for the public good. You can have your rules for individuals, but you can't play by the same rules when society is at stake. The greater good. Blackheath gets that."

"You think it's ok that he massacred people?"

"I'm not saying I agree, I'm saying I understand why he did it."

He sighed and shook his head at the look in my eyes.

"Dorsey doesn't agree with him, but she understands. That's what lets her be with him. You need to understand a bit more."

I continued to stare at the wind-ripped grasslands, not understanding, and feeling more and more like I never would.

"Ok, look… have you seen the Crucible?"

I nodded, grimacing at the disturbing memory.

"They were killing people, torturing people, because some girls pointed at them-"

"Yeah, evil humans, blah blah. I'm talking about the end. Proctor has the chance to sign a confession? If he does it, he can go free?"

"But he doesn't. It's a lie."

"And they kill him. You think that's right?"

"He can only choose to do what's right himself, it's the others that hang him. He can't make them do the right thing. He can only to do the right thing for himself."

"No, see that's wrong. If he didn't have a wife and kids, sure, he can make what decision he likes, it's his life. But he's playing with their lives too. They depend on him. His decision affects them too. He should have made the decision that saved the greater good. He was selfish."

"No," I disagreed on so many levels I didn't even know where to begin, "If he signed, he supported what was happening, he was letting it continue… and by your logic, you shouldn't have got cut off Vasily's toe, because he's only an individual. And-"

He groaned in frustration, and I shut up, watching him anxiously. Part of me longed to be able to reconcile Alex's violence, explain it away so he was irrevocably good in my mind, but part of me felt it would be wrong to. Dorsey might be able to accept Blackheath as he is, accept his violence, but I could not. Yet if I couldn't, how could I stay with him? And as I watched him scowling into the moonlight, desperately searching for a way to make me understand, I knew I couldn't bear the thought of being apart from him either.

"Vasily didn't try to kill you because he hated you personally. He tried to kill you because you were a Soul."

"For the greater good of humanity."

"You know you don't believe that," he said quietly, and I was the first to look away.

"There had to be a consequence for his actions. You thought that with Kelly too, remember? ," Alex went on. He was right, but I was unconvinced that I was justified in thinking that way, "I had to try and persuade him that what he had done was wrong. I know you know he wouldn't listen to me."

"And do you think it will deter him?

"I don't know."

"Well what's the point in punishing people if it doesn't change anything? It's like punishing a wolf for killing a calf."

"A wolf cannot help who he is, nor can he change it. But people can, given a reason to."

"Then why couldn't you reason with him."

"Humans aren't like Souls, sometimes they have to be given a physical reason to back off. You want to try reasoning with Blackheath?"

I knew that would be hopeless. I sighed, giving up, and let him pull me into a hug, wrapping his parka around me.

"Proctor couldn't fight the witch hunt. He had tried. He should have known when he was beat. You have to pick your battles. And how to fight them. You told me that. But that means you've got to fight some with everything you've got."

It was beautifully warm in his arms. His body fit around me perfectly, like it was built to enclose me, wrapping snugly round my back and shoulders, his chest solid and toasty beneath my cheek. And he knew not to try and argue with me further, he didn't invade my mental space. He just held me close, trying to convince me to trust him.

This was where I fit. This was where I felt the world was right. The only place in the world I felt right was with my family. Staying with them was the only thing that made sense.