March 16, 1999
Remember when I said that telling Stephanie I had to leave Georgia was the worst fucking day of my life? Well, today, that day finally got competition
"HI-YAH!" I shouted as I gave a decent karate kick to my training dummy. My father bought a lavish four-bedroom house when our family only needed two, but yeah, it had a heated pool! My mother turned one bedroom into a Martha Stewart looking Guest Room. My dad and I turned the other into a workout room. I was in there about two hours before school started, working on my moves. I was far from being an expert, I was a blue belt which isn't much. My friend Jason was a black belt and helped me a lot on my moves. Without him, I probably wouldn't even be blue. Still I had to practice.
I posted a "for sale" notice on the box on eBay and a few other websites last night. This morning there was already an answer. Guy wants me to stop the auction. Says he'll pay whatever price I want. Anywhere. Anytime.
I set up a timer to send an e-mail with my address about ten minutes before I get home.
I'm no idiot. This guy could be the same guy who sent the birds, and God knows what other animals he's got trained. I had to be ready if the guy wanted to take the box. He wouldn't bring any wild animals to my house, so that's where it had to take place. It'll be just me and him. And in case he wants to throw down, I got a few tricks up my sleeve.
Still, I could use a backup. In a situation like this, Jason would be there for me. But Jason isn't here, and here, I ain't got no friends. Still, I'm no fool. I need backup. Maybe that Marco guy.
I looked for him before homeroom, but no luck. I eventually found him in the lunchline. I bullied my way toward him.
"You said your name is Marco, right?" I said to him.
He turned around suddenly as if I were the fucking principal. Still the jumpy motherfucker. "Yeah. Marco," He finally said. "David, right?"
I nodded. Okay, this is the part where you make small talk. "The food was better at my last school."
"That would pretty much have to be true. It couldn't be any worse. Not unless your last school was a prison."
Time to get to business. "I don't have any friends here yet. Something really weird happened to me yesterday. Very weird. Want to hang?"
"Sure. So, what --"
"Cauliflower or green bean casserole?" the lunch lady asked Marco. "Come on, little Marco, let's keep it moving."
"The casserole definitely. It sounds so French and all." He said as he turned to me. "You know the English word for casserole? Slop."
He was a babbling idiot yesterday. Now, he was Mr. Wit? We got to our food and sat down at an empty table at the far side of the room. Marco sat across from me.
"Remember that blue box I showed you yesterday?"
He took his usual five seconds to process information. "Yeah. Now I do, yeah."
"Last night someone tried to steal it. And you'll never guess how they did it. Trained birds."
"Say what?"
"Two birds flew in my bedroom window and tried to get away with the box. Fortunately my cat, Megadeth, went after one."
"You named your cat Megadeth?"
"I just wish my snake had been out of his box. He's had his venom taken out, but I bet it would have scared those birds."
"Snake?"
"Yeah, he's really cool. He's a cobra. You're not even supposed to be able to own them, but my dad got it for me. He goes overseas a lot. He's a spy. But don't tell anyone."
"Ooookay," He said. He obviously didn't get all of that, but that's all right. Just making conversation.
Of course, I may have been better off talking to a fucking brick wall.
"Look, I know it sounds weird and all, but those birds were not ordinary birds. Hell, one of them opened a fucking sliding glass door." I said trying to get it through his thick skull. "It was an eagle, I think."
"Why would anyone want to steal that blue box?"
"I don't know, but it must be valuable, right? Or else why would someone go to all the trouble of using trained birds?"
"Makes sense."
"Anyway, I bet it's worth a lot of money, so I'm going to try and sell it."
"Sell it?"
That's the third time this fucker has repeated something I said. God, he's dense. "Yeah. I posted a 'for sale' notice on a couple webpages last night after all this went down. I described it. And I described those symbols, the ones that look like foreign writing? This morning before school I checked, and there was already an answer. Some guy says he wants to see it. He says he'll pay good money. Says he'll go anywhere, anytime."
"You did what?"
I was getting real tired of him keep questioning me. I didn't bother answering him. "I'm thinking I should have some backup, you know? Someone to cover me, in case anything goes down. You're the only guy I know here."
"You didn't give this guy your address, did you?"
Was he fucking kidding me? At least his questions have gotten slightly more intelligent. "I'm not a moron. The guy could rip me off while I'm stuck here at school. I set it up on a timer so the e-mail with my address won't go out till right before I get home."
"It's on automatic?"
"I send the e-mail, the guy comes over, and I give you ten percent for helping me out."
"Good plan." He said.
Good. That means he was in.
A lot of fucking good that did. In the middle of sixth period I remembered I still hadn't set my clock on my computer. God knows what time it thought it was, so I made the decision to cut class and get there just in case the guy was already on his way. With or without Marco.
I should have just stayed at school.
The last time I hauled ass to my house then my room, I found two fucking large birds trying to take my box. Which you would think would be maximum weirdness. Not even close, because when I got there my father was in my room with a gun pointed at a big brown and blue alien.
I'm not fucking kidding. A big-ass blue and brown alien. It had eight stumpy legs, blue and brown fur, a scorpion tail, and two arms. And it was changing. Okay, I met my first alien. I said what any smart, intelligent person would say.
"Whoa!"
"He says he's some kind of alien." My dad said tersely.
To which I intelligently responded with "Whoa-oah-oah!"
"By the way, you're grounded."
"An alien, no way!"
Yes, way!
As weird as the alien looked his apparent method of communication was even funkier. 1) I didn't actually hear his words. They kind of just were there in my head. 2) What he said was just a little too Bill and Ted. 3) It sounded vaguely familiar. Despite myself, I managed notice that Spawn was out of his box and the e-mail had been sent.
The alien stopped changing. It now looked kinda like a young Centaur with scorpion tail. Like a blue and tan teenage Motaro from Mortal Kombat 3. Instead of horns, though, this guy had stalks with eyes. He was also missing a mouth. The alien spoke again. Listen to me. All hell is about break loose. The two of you need to hide.
"Hide? Why do we have to hide?" I yelled. I mean, who was this freak to tell me what to do?
Because the alternative is to be dead.
Well, when you put it like that. I suddenly got the sinking feeling this had to do with my box. The doorbell rang. Heh, maybe it's the buyer for the box.
You don't want to answer that doorbell
That's when I saw Spawn slither out of the closet. Wait a minute, wasn't Spawn over. . .
My dad must have thought the same thing, because he gazed from the snake by the bed to the alien back to the snake.
Yes, it's me, the snake talking. Look, don't do anything stupid.
Dad decided not to listen and he shot the talking snake/alien in the tail. Dad was about to fire again when the first alien let loose his tail. Dad's gun went flying. So did one of Dad's fingers.
"Hey!" I shouted.
"Ahhh!" Dad yelled.
CRRRRRUNCH! Downstairs, our front door exploded into splinters, while my dad cradled his injured hand. There was a severe house-shaking pounding as many large feet run up the stairs. Things were about to go to shit real fast. That's when two more aliens step into the room.
They had feet like Tyrannosaurs. Necks like serpents. Large birdlike beaks. Three curved horns protruding out of their foreheads. Ostrich legs and very long arms. A curved blade on each wrist, elbow, and knee. They also had blades on their tails. They looked those freaks from Where the Wild Things Are.
"Uuuuh. Wh-what the hell are those?" I ask-stammer
I told you to hide! the alien shouted.
Then between the Wild Things, came another one of the blue Motaros. This one was definitely full grown. Something about this alien sent a chill up my spine. Somehow I knew he was fucking trouble.
Visser Three! The smaller alien sneered in hatred. It was the first time this one had spoken. It was odd. I thought all the blue Motaros would be working together.
We heard shots. We thought maybe we could help. said the bigger Motaro totally insincerely.
"Get the fuck out of here!" I yelled.
Get out of here? Why, I'm disappointed. I just got your primitive e-mail and I rushed right over.
"Y-y-you want to b-b-buy the blue box?"
Oh, yes, definitely. I do, I do. And I'm willing to pay anything. Let's see, what could I offer you for the box? I know! It whipped its tail and pressed the blade against Dad's throat. I'll pay with your father's life.
You aren't getting the box. the smaller Motaro said stepping foward. Great the two Motaros are about to throw down and my father is in between them.
Then this human will be separated from his head. I understand that's usually fatal in humans.
For a long time no one moved. Not the two Motaros. Not the two Wild Things. Not me or Dad.
Except Spawn, or was it the alien disguised as Spawn?
What is this? Shouted the bigger Motaro. Another Andalite in morph?
Sudden Movement! Dad jerked away from the Motaro's tail blade. I rushed the Motaro yelling "Let him go!"
Just then the smaller Motaro locked blades with the bigger Motaro. Then the Wild Things rushed the small Motaro. My posters flew. My curtains tore. My books scattered. I was going to have a hell of a time cleaning this up.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! My dad was in the corner, cradling his injured right hand and firing his gun with his left hand. He usually can't even hold a fork in that hand. But, three shots and one of the Wild Things went down. One more to go.
Except then about four more Wild Things came in. Aw, Fuck! They crowded around the two Motaros fighting. I was just about to hide when I heard --
"Hhhhhhhhhrrrroooooarrrrhh!" a throaty, hoarse-sounding roar of a grizzly bear.
That's right, a fucking grizzly bear, and behind him, a tiger. An orange-and-black fucking tiger. Maybe it was the bird-man with his trained animals.
I felt like throwing up.
I used to have four walls in my room. I now had two. The Bear and the tiger began to attack the group of Wild Things.
Andalite Scum! the Bigger Motaro yelled as it whipped its tail around and slashed bed apart.
This time you won't escape
The Bear swung his paw and knocked a Wild Thing through a wall. Yes, through the wall. The Big Motaro started change. Into what??! A Dragon?? Fucking Unicorn?? I saw Spawn slither up to him.
"Look out, Spawn!" I cried as I picked him up.
You idiot, put me down! Spawn yelled at me, but it wasn't really Spawn. It was the alien pretending to be Spawn. I jumped back, startled, and dropped him. That does it. I had enough of this shit. Time to get the hell out of here. One of my walls had opened up to the bathroom. I ran in and jumped in the bathtub. From there I saw the big Motaro finish changing.
It was purple. Steph's favorite color. It was tall with massive shoulders. It stood on two legs, shoulder-width apart, each ending in four-(as-thick-as-my-thigh-)toed feet. It had a face, but no head. Its face was in the center of its chest. One eye on each pectoral. A mouth across its abs. He had four arms. From Motaro to Goro! But they weren't arranged that way. It looked as if each shoulder had split so each side had two arms, one behind the other. At the end of each arm was a blood-red, sharp cone.
My room started to look less like a free-for-all and more like a battlefield. Two sides. On one side, the smaller Motaro, the bear, and the tiger. On the other, the Motaro-turned-Goro and the Wild Things.
It's called a Dule Fansa said the Motaro-turned-Goro. A rather fanciful name, don't you think? Would you like to see what it can do?
"No, I would not like to see what it can do!" I whined to myself. Where was my father?
He aimed a cone at the smaller Motaro. The cone rocketed off the arm and shot toward the alien. The cone missed, but still knocked the Motaro to his knees and left a two foot hole in the wall. Motaro/Dule Fansa's hand was already reloaded.
Now, let's make this simple. The Motaro/Dule Fansa said confidently. I want the blue box. I will have the blue box. Or all of you will die. I'm not a patient Yeerk. I'll have the blue box, and I'll destroy you all. But if I get the blue box now, I may decide to destroy you some other time.
That alien did not know how to negotiate.
David. said a voice I actually recognized. It was the snake/alien. Where was he anyway? David, listen to me. I'm on your side. We have to rescue that box. So we have to know where it is.
Brave Andalites. The Motaro/Dule Fansa mocked. You'll let me kill these humans rather than give up the box?
Say What???! Kill Me? Fuck that! "No!" I shouted. "I have the stupid box. Just let us go. I have the goddamn box right here in my backpack, if you want it so fucking bad." That's when about a million things happened at once.
One: The Wild Things started to rush me, but my father, from wherever he was hiding, started firing and laid about three of them out.
Two: The smaller Motaro hacked off one of the Motaro/Dule Fansa's arms.
Three: The Tiger rushed the Motaro/Dule Fansa.
Four: The Bear rushed me and I cowered like a fucking pussy.
Five: The Motaro/Dule Fansa shot two cones at me.
Both cones missed me. The reason why is because the Bear rammed me through the bathroom wall to the outside. Yes, through the wall to the outside, and while I was falling two stories and before I landed on my lawn and became unconscious, I thought one thing.
God damn the Internet.