Inside the church Alex's mother now stood at the entrance greeting people. She glared at Meredith and the others when they pushed past her and entered straight away.
"Izzie's at the front." Meredith pointed indicating for George to go there. "Derek, come with me." She started walking off in another direction and Derek went after her. George was left standing alone in the aisle. He could see Izzie sitting alone in the front pew, she had her back to him, she didn't know he was there. He slowly began making his way toward her.
Izzie sat with her eyes closed. She was telling herself to breath, to just think about breathing and she might be okay. She didn't really believe it but it seemed to be working a little, she was feeling a little better. She felt the weight of someone sit down beside her. She opened her eyes. "George." She whispered seeing it was her friend and a small smile crept across her face, a genuine smile.
He smiled back at her, unsure of what else he was supposed to do. Then he remembered what Meredith had told him. "You don't have to do anything, just sit there and hold her hand."
He held out is hand for her, she took it and squeezed it tight. She moved closer to him grateful for her friend's presence, the personal contact. As the minutes were ticking by she was finding it more and more difficult to keep herself composed. All around her she could hear the room filling with a loud whisper. Everyone was talking about what had happened, how absurd and tragic it was. She closed her eyes and gripped George's hand tighter, she breathed, she could feel herself on the verge of breaking, she didn't want to do that not here not now. On the other side of her she felt the weight of another person. She opened her eyes and saw Meredith had come back and Derek had come too. She tried to smile at them but the smile was forced. She felt George lean around behind her.
"Where's Christina?" he asked in a whisper.
There was a pause before Meredith answered. "She's not coming."
George looked back at her stunned. In his head he was thinking, why doesn't she have to come, when I do? But he didn't say that instead he just asked "Why not?"
"She's at my house heating the food." That was what she was doing but it wasn't the reason she wasn't there. If they'd had more time he would have gone into it with her but there was no time. Everyone was seated and the doors at the back of the church opened, the minister entered followed closely by the coffin. Everyone stood. Beside him he felt Izzie's body begin to shake, he took his arm and wrapped it very tightly around hers, he noticed Meredith put her arm around her waist, together they were physically holding her upright. The coffin was placed at the front of the church and the minister welcomed everyone, he offered his condolences, he invited everyone to pray and the room went completely silent.
Izzie's breathing became heavier and more deliberate. "Just keep breathing." She kept telling herself. "Just keep breathing and you'll be okay." But the silence was killing her and she couldn't keep it in any longer. She let out a laugh, more of a loud hollow splutter followed by a giggle. She bit down on her bottom lip and tried to will herself to stop. She knew she shouldn't be laughing, she didn't want to be laughing, but she couldn't help it, she'd completely lost her composure. Around her she could hear people turning her direction; she could hear people going 'shhh'. Beside her she felt George slip his arm around her back and pull her closer to him.
"Izzie you need to stop." He whispered. She sucked in a very long deep breath; her eyes watered, it hurt but the laughing stopped. The room hushed into silence again and the minister continued talking but less than a minute past before another chuckle slipped from her mouth, another loud deep hollow laugh which could almost be mistaken for a cry. The minister stopped talking, the only sound in the room was Izzie. Around her people began 'shhing' her again.
"Izzie you need to stop." George whispered to her again. She tried to stop, she wanted to stop but she couldn't stop.
"Be quiet." Someone, Alex's mother, hissed from the other side of the church. "Shut up. You're at a funeral, show some respect."
The words hit Izzie hard, the laughing stopped, her whole body tensed. She wanted to do something, she wanted to yell at the woman, tell her she knew nothing but George and Meredith were holding tightly onto her. She started breathing heavily again, her eyes watered, she was trying to get herself under control again.
"Izzie lets go outside." George whispered to her again. She didn't want to go outside she wanted to stay but she needed to go outside. She nodded and together they stood and walked out a side door.
George held tightly onto Izzie as he walked her out a side door of the church. He sat her down on the steps just outside the door. From there they'd still be able to hear what was going on but they'd be able to talk too.
Now that she was outside Izzie let herself relax. She started to laugh again and this time George didn't tell her to stop. Instead he asked her why she was laughing and he smiled at her. She smiled back at him and through the spluttering she began talking. "This…" she said waving her arm around. "Everything." She paused for a moment before continuing. "It's like some sick twisted déjà vu. We were here a week ago. We were getting married and now…" her voice trailed off. "It's not supposed to be like this." She used her arm to wipe her eyes, she'd finally stopped laughing and now she just felt flat. "I miss him so much." She rested her head on George's shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her back and gently started rubbing her side. "Thank you for coming." She whispered and she closed her eyes. "I've missed you too."
"I know." George whispered quietly back. They sat in silence for a long time listening to the service. "Do you want to go back inside?" he asked after a while.
Izzie thought about it for a moment. She liked sitting where they were, she didn't feel as suffocated and she could still hear everything. "No." she replied without moving.
They went back to listening to the service. Izzie didn't laugh again; tears just ran silently down her face. A friend of Alex's from back home, he'd been the best man at their wedding, delivered a touching tribute but he spoke of an Alex she didn't know, the man he'd become, the man she fell in love with was different. She wasn't sure how that made her feel but after Meredith stood up and delivered another tribute. Meredith spoke of the Alex she knew, the Alex she loved. The tears started running faster down her face but she didn't cry. When Meredith sat back down the minister began delivering his closing message. Izzie stood up, it was time to go back inside.
When she entered the church they were getting the coffin ready to carry out. Six men Izzie hardly knew were preparing to lift it. She walked straight to the coffin, she was aware of everyone's gaze following her. She placed her hand on top of it. From somewhere music started playing, the men lifted the coffin, she felt her hand begin to slip off it. "Wait." She said and the men stopped. She rested her head on top of it and breathed in the scent of the wood. This was the last time she was going to be near him, after this he'd be gone, really really gone. The music kept playing, and suddenly it all became too much. She'd been in control, her time outside had let her regroup but she'd really only suppressed everything. Her legs gave way beneath her and she fell to her knees. George ran to her, she slumped against his chest and started crying uncontrollably. Her sobs were loud they echoed in the church. The music became louder, the pallbearers looked down at her and then stepped past. They stared carrying the coffin out and everyone else filed out behind until the only people left in the church were Meredith, Derek, George and Izzie.
"I'll see you at the house." Meredith mouthed to George before she and Derek left also.
George pulled his arms tighter around Izzie. He could feel a spot on his shirt slowly getting damp from her tears. He gently started rocking her back and forth. "Just let it all out." He whispered to her "Just let it all out."
She cried and cried and cried until there was nothing left inside of her, until she felt hollow, empty, drained. She rested her head on George's chest and let him hold her. If she'd been somewhere else, if they weren't sitting on the floor of a church she would have tried to fall asleep, she'd try to fall asleep so she could be with Alex, so she could join him in her dreams. But she couldn't sleep here so instead she started to stand up.
"Lets go." She said her voice was dry and hoarse. George nodded and he stood up too. He didn't say anything he didn't know what to say. As they walked out the church he placed his arm around her again, she seemed to like that and it made him feel a little less useless.