Jane and Maura's rules worked remarkably well for them the first few months. They never talked about what they were doing, they simply did it. Either Jane would come home to her apartment and find Maura waiting naked, or Jane would show up at Maura's place with a bottle of wine. Jane liked drinking beer when they were only hanging out, so whenever Maura saw her with wine she knew Jane had something recreational in mind.
For months they continued to have sex privately and live their public lives separately without any major upset. Even the fact that they both regularly dated men did not interfere with their secret time together. If either of them began to get uncomfortable they deferred to the rules, and that settled it.
But when the murder of a young woman caused Jane to have to pretend to be a lesbian, she and Maura had a reason to discuss whether or not they would ever choose a lesbian lifestyle. Jane thought it would be too weird, yet she resented Maura saying she wouldn't be the man and wasn't her type. Maura said she didn't mind the idea of living her life with a female partner and didn't know what the big deal was.
"Of course there would be obstacles," Maura stated solidly, "but most relationships have obstacles. True love is about enduring things together and not falling apart."
Skeptically Jane had asked her if she was willing to be called 'lesbian' and bare such intense criticism of her personal life. Looking at her intently, and feeling rather brave, Maura had said, "For the right person, I would do anything. I wouldn't have a choice, if I was in love."
The mere mental image of Maura in love with another woman made Jane's skin hot from jealousy, and she hastily changed the subject.
When Jane finally trapped the murderer by tricking her into kissing Jane's neck, Maura was visibly irked.
"Maura, I didn't meet a woman. I caught a murderer." She said, trying not to smile as Maura swabbed her neck.
"Obviously." Maura said tightly."You already said you would never date another woman."
"I said," Jane started, suddenly aware she was defending herself, "That I couldn't imagine a reason I would choose to endure the kind of criticism and ridicule that lesbians endure, simply for who they chose to sleep with. It's a lot more than living your life with another woman, it's the fact that for some reason it pisses people off. Or they feel like they can talk openly about your sex life, your personal feelings, and your relationship problems. I mean, it's cruel. And I am already touchy about discussing my private life. Plus, if I really lo-" she hesitated, "lo-" her voice shrank, "liked a woman, I would personally want ... to protect her. I'd want to protect her from all that, from people and how mean they can be." Jane ended plaintively, and guiltily averted her eyes.
Although Maura understood for the first time where Jane was coming from, she couldn't stop herself from replying sharply, "I would hope you'd love an emotionally mature woman who cared about you enough to accept the responsibility of all that."
Maura's tone was harder than she realized, and Jane suddenly felt backed into a corner. Until that moment, Jane had really believed she and Maura were in agreement about the fact that they weren't lesbians. She heard herself snapping at Maura harshly, "That's easy to say, Maura, but would you? Honestly? Would you sacrifice everything for someone?"
"Yes!" She looked directly into Jane's eyes, but immediately her anger turned to sadness, "Yes, I would."
Maura turned her back to Jane because she couldn't stop the tears forming in her eyes.
"Maura," Jane walked up behind her and wrapped her arms around Maura's shoulders to pull her into a hug.
Maura refused to acknowledge that Jane had upset her. "What?"
"I don't know what we're even arguing about here. I don't know what you want me to say, Maur." She hugged her protectively and slowly her hands began to rub Maura's shoulders, her fingers gripping in a nearly sensual way.
Maura sighed. She didn't think, at the moment, she could make herself any clearer. She reached up to loosen Jane's arms until they fell. Over her shoulder she replied flatly, "That's apparent, Jane."
"What-?" Jane began to ask but the phone ringing cut her off. Maura was grateful for the interruption and went immediately to answer it. It was the DNA confirmation, and Jane had no choice but to leave then and arrest two murderers.
That evening Jane was at station house later than she wanted to be. When she was finally finished with her paperwork, she hurried home where she really hoped Maura was waiting on her. She stopped to grab a bottle of Merlot on the way, and she was totally unaware of the fact that she was holding her breath when she opened her apartment door. Her stomach sank when she didn't see Maura waiting as she usually did on her living room couch. Stubbornly she searched her bedroom, although she felt in her gut that Maura was not there and not coming.
She pulled out her phone and sent Maura a text.
Busy tonight? I've got Merlot.
There was an uneasiness steadily growing in her stomach. She felt like she had waited forever for Maura to reply, but it was only ten minutes later when her phone chimed in that familiar way that had always made Jane's heart jump.
Yes, busy. Not tonight.
Jane tried at first to tell herself it was not a big deal. Maura had a life, and it wasn't abnormal for her to be busy. But she had never declined an offer of sex before. As the tension in Jane's stomach grew tighter, she tried helplessly to keep herself calm. She typed out another text although she had no right to implore.
Got company?
She sat on her couch for half an hour waiting for a reply. Then, feeling incredibly foolish for being suddenly so emotionally and mentally overwrought, she opened the Merlot and drank it directly from the bottle.
Maura had decided to spend the night with the sexy pediatrician, Jacob, who had been adamantly dating her for a month. After her cold encounter with Jane she told herself she needed to feel desired and appreciated. Somewhere in the back of her mind she wondered if she was sleeping with this guy to punish Jane, but considering that Jane had callously refused to admit having feelings for her only a few hours earlier, she doubted if Jane would even care.
It was nearly two when she walked Jacob to the door and leaned up to kiss him goodbye.
Sweetly he asked when he was going to see her again, and she tried to hide her disinterest by leaning in to kiss him again.
"Soon, Jacob," she did not exactly lie, "I had a good time tonight." That part was truth enough. It had felt good to have dinner with someone who wasn't continuously looking over her shoulder to see if anyone was watching although she felt that her part in the sex had been halfhearted at best and guilty at worse.
Maura barely had time to get back in bed before she heard the door open and close. Her stomach suddenly tightened because she knew only Jane had a key. She hopped out of bed and locked her bedroom door. Quickly she stripped out of her lingerie and pulled on some yoga pants and a t-shirt. She was hastily trying to remake the other side of her bed when she heard the doorknob turn and catch.
"Whatthehell" she heard Jane mutter. She stood alert and waited, wondering why Jane was drunk.
Jane twisted the knob again, and again it didn't give. She shoved the door a little and Maura started.
"Jane? What are you doing here? Have you been drinking?" Maura asked nervously.
"When I said lock the door, I meant the front door." Jane said ironically.
Casting a final guilty glance around her room, Maura finally went to unlock the door.
Jane was leaning heavily against the frame, and looked up at her jealously when she opened the door.
Instantly Maura shivered against the highly possessive way Jane had looked at her. She turned and walked away, climbed on the bed, and picked up her book from the nightstand. She pretended to resume reading it although she suspected that her jig was up.
Jane stood slumped in the door watching her with a mixture of sadness and frustration and growing anger, fueld mostly by self hatred.
Finally, Maura couldn't handle Jane's gaze added to her own guilt any longer and she snapped, "What, Jane?"
Jane stood straight and her face looked angry. Slowly she untangled from the door frame and moved to the bed. When she was beside it she reached down to snatch Maura's book.
"Don't be an ass, Jane." Maura was really surprised to see Jane this way. Although she had seen Jane in many states of upset and angry, she had honestly never seen her acting so completely unhinged.
"That's right!" The volume of Jane's voice was steadily rising, "I should act like an 'emotionally mature woman', right?"
Maura felt her stomach turn over because Jane was accurately using her own words against her.
"Is that how you acted tonight?" Jane leaned down to look into Maura's face. "Did you act like an 'emotionally mature woman' tonight?"
"Jane Rizzoli, you may not yell at me, no matter how upset are. Now, sit down and explain yourself at a respectful volume."
Jane looked down at her. Her inflamed temper was now waning. She straddled Maura's lap instead of sitting beside her, and she pressed her body incredibly close to Maura's. She looked straight into Maura's eyes before saying, "I thought you would be waiting at my apartment."
The tension in Maura's chest and shoulders visibly drained a little when she felt Jane move close. "I didn't feel like waiting in a dark apartment all night."
The comment really hurt Jane. She didn't like the mental image of Maura feeling lonely or sad waiting for her. She had always thought, until then, that she treated Maura very well. Now Maura was looking at her like she had neglected her, and emotionally that made her feel uncontrollably helpless. In vain she struggled to come up with words to match her feelings, but before she could speak Maura asked, "Why are you so bothered right now? Did you honestly sit outside my house and get drunk waiting for my boyfriend to leave?"
Jane still held Maura's book in one hand and she instantly threw it against the wall and screamed, "BOYFRIEND?"
Maura jumped, was scared, and instinctively wrapped her arms around Jane for protection. "Janie?" she whispered.
Jane pushed her back against the headboard and began to possessively kiss her. Maura melted against her, pliant except for the fact that she felt insanely dirty because she hadn't even showered since sleeping with Jacob no less than an hour before.
Jane continued kissing Maura and started to slide her hands up Maura's shirt, but Maura's resistance grew until she asked sadly, "What is it, Maur?"
"I'm ... just let me take a quick shower, Jane." She was nearly squirming from the shame she felt.
Two tears rolled down Jane's cheeks. When Maura saw this she grabbed Jane and started holding her tightly.
"Jane, baby, don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jane." She pushed her hands into Jane's hair. She pushed her mouth against Jane's ear, scattering kisses along the way, "I wish I had come to your place. I made a mistake. I made a mistake. Please," her voice broke, she was crying, too, "please forgive me. Come take a shower with me, and spend the night. I'm so sorry, Janie." And Maura was sorry. If she had previously realized that Jane would react this way, she wouldn't even be dating Jacob. She had needed to know the depth of Jane's feelings for her, and now that she knew she felt so ashamed of herself for toying with Jane.
Jane's head was laying against Maura's shoulder. She was still crying and still stubbornly trying to pretend she wasn't. Finally, she responded by asking, "Is he really your boyfriend?"
Maura sighed, hugged Jane fiercely and replied, "No, baby. No, he's not. I regret using that word."
Jane pulled back to look at Maura. "I regret how I acted this morning. I'm sorry. If you want to be with another woman, I'm happy for you. I'm happy you're that brave."
Maura was puzzled. "How dense are you, really, Jane? I want to be with ... you. Only you."
Jane started to smile. "Then what was that jackass doing here?"
"Giving me what you can't, I guess." Maura admitted sadly with her eyes averted.
"Maura," Jane started, voice wavering, "Look at me. I'm a wreck. I can barely handle this as it is. I can't add my family and Korsak and Frost and everyone at the station house and everyone we know to my problems right now."
Maura felt acutely embarrassed and pushed her face against Jane's neck to hide her sadness at Jane's words.
"I can't. I'm sorry, honey, I am really sorry. Do I want to be your girlfriend? ... Yes, honestly, I do. But I'm scared and I feel so insecure. I hate feeling that way. I can barely admit this to myself or you, so how can I admit it to my mother or yours?"
Jane was shaking and Maura began to pet her comfortingly. She hated hearing the insecurity and the frustration in Jane's voice.
"Maura, I will not lie to you. Because I cannot risk you. You are not allowed to leave my life, remember? So I can't say I'm ready when I'm not. I want to be the only one you go to bed with, but I'm not ready to be in a relationship with you. And I see how that is unfair of me, but I can't lie to you."
She felt Maura kissing the side of her face gently and she finally leaned totally against Maura's body so she could hold her.
Maura did not know what to say. Just that morning she had felt like the mature one where Jane was the child, and now their roles were reversed. She hated herself for the fact that she had done exactly what she promised not to. Although she hadn't directly intended to, she had asked Jane for something she wasn't ready or able to give.
"That's fine, Jane. Really." She kissed her again, forgivingly. "I understand you. Thank you for being honest with me."
Jane was really surprised by that. She had never been in a relationship past this point. Generally when anyone saw her emotionally volcanic and reckless behavior, they ran for the hills. She hadn't only shown up at Maura's house acting like a drunken, jealous assface, but she had proceeded to throw things and finally cry and admit she was an emotional coward. How could Maura honestly have any patience left? Jane thought she should rightly be cussing her out and throwing her out of the house.
"You ... forgive me?" Jane asked, dumbfounded.
"Of course," Maura kissed Jane's lips. "I love you," she said because it was the simplest explanation.
Jane only stared at her lamely. She did not expect to hear those words. "You love me?"
Maura sighed. She knew this moment was going to come. She kissed Jane fully. "Yes."
Jane started to cry again, "Why? I'm an insensitive jerk. I'm volatile, jealous-" she was cut off by Maura biting her bottom lip.
They kissed for a while, and finally Maura pushed Jane off her lap and stood. "Please take a shower with me?"
Jane looked up at her. She looked gorgeous despite being drunk and having her cosmetics rubbed all over her face from crying and making out. "I love you, too."
Maura stood staring in disbelief. She had never allowed herself to hope Jane really returned her feelings. The first time she had looked at Jane Rizzoli she had felt herself falling endlessly in love with her, and always she thought it was a hopeless venture. Secretly she had cried so many times from the pain of forcing herself not to hope Jane would ever say those words.
Jane stood and put her hands on Maura's face to pull her into a fierce kiss. When she pulled back Maura was crying.
"The ... shower."
They only kissed and held each other in the shower and back in the bed. It had been six months since they slept in the same bed without having sex. In the morning Maura woke up with Jane still wrapped in her arms. She laid there for a long time before Jane woke up, thinking about how lucky she was and how in love she was with Jane Rizzoli. She knew that no matter how long it took Jane to get comfortable with the idea of changing their relationship, and there was always the possibility she never would, she would have to wait patiently and remember how brave Jane was being for her.
For the briefest time the night before she had felt like she might lose Jane, and the mere thought was unbearably frightening. She knew they had to be more careful, which meant a lot more honesty and somehow even more courage. Suddenly smiling at the thought of what Jane had told her, she pulled Jane close and kissed her head.
"What are you thinking?" Jane asked, startling Maura.
"I didn't know you were awake," Maura said dumbly, not knowing how comfortable Jane would be recalling the night before or if she should mention all they had talked about.
Jane kissed Maura's breast beneath her face, and looked up at her. "Good morning, beautiful." She smiled then, sadly but with growing brightness.
Maura returned her smile, and felt warmness spreading in her body again. Now reality felt comfortable, in the serious light of day with Jane naked against her and smiling.
"I dreamed," Jane laughed, and Maura was grateful for something light to talk about, "that we got married." She snuggled close to Maura, and moved her hips slightly on top of Maura's thigh. "We had children and everything."
Maura suppressed a moan at the feeling of Jane's thighs against hers. Her chest grew warm and self consciously she thought she was probably pretty wet from having been awake watching Jane sleep for nearly an hour. She felt Jane's fingers move lightly against her hip, and she made an encouraging sound in her chest.
"Were you happy? In the dream?" Maura found herself scared to ask, scared to know how serious Jane was. Newly she had known Jane loved her, and it filled her stomach with wild butterflies to hear Jane talking about spending their entire lives together.
Jane slid against Maura's thigh and earned a happy moan from her. She returned to look into Maura's face while she moved against her. She hadn't answered Maura's question yet but they were smiling while they rocked and caressed each other's bodies. Soon Maura lost herself watching Jane move against her and rubbing Jane's back encouragingly. As Jane's orgasm came near she kissed Maura sweetly and looked into her eyes before saying, "I was happier than I ever thought I could be."
That earned her ten fingernails in the back as Jane pulled Maura over the edge with her. Maura had known she was getting close, but she didn't expect Jane to say something so fucking sweet and jerk on her heart like that. Jane slid two fingers inside Maura and rocked rapidly against her as Maura still fiercely dug her nails into Jane's back. Dimly she wondered which of them was screaming.
They woke up again two hours later, and although it had been a horrible night and an incredible morning, they found that they didn't have a lot to say. Somehow, by some blind miracle of the universe, they had found the courage to say it almost everything already.
"Maur?" Jane asked before leaving that afternoon, "What about ... the rules?"
"I'm not sure. How do you want to proceed? The rules were for our protection, and we should keep that protection until we both feel safe without it. But I think it's obvious that we broke the rules."
"No more rules. I can't ask you to wait, but I do want you to know I'm trying to move toward ... knowing what I really have to offer you."
"I've already told you, Jane, I want whatever you can offer me. I don't want you to change for me."
"No, I think you deserve more than I can give you, Maura, and I want to change that. I want to deserve you, but I don't right now."
"Don't say that." Maura moved to hug her. "I want to wait. I want to wait even if you can't offer me anything."
Jane felt so grateful. She had no idea how Maura made her feel so safe when she hadn't done anything right and didn't really deserve it.
"I love you, Maura. No more rules. I'll never leave your life, no matter what. I'll know soon how we should proceed. I won't make you wait forever."
Maura thought she was going to cry again. She felt like a teenager. "I love you, too, Jane. Thank you."
"For what?"
"For ... letting me see the real you, for being in my life, for being my friend, for everything, baby. Everything."
Jane laughed and they kissed. "Don't, you'll make me cry again. I'll see you tonight?"
"Of course," Maura said happily. "I'll be waiting for you."