Chapter Fourteen

Ste remembered sitting alone by the coastline, waves lapping at his feet as he watched the setting sun. He came here most nights to think. He couldn't sleep in that huge bed at Cheryl's. The sheets were too pressed, the bed too warm. He hated the echo as well; it reminded him of the fact that he was alone for good now.

Ste wasn't the sentimental sort and he certainly didn't frequent sandy beaches, even the most windswept ones of Ireland. But it was somehow peaceful here, quiet. He didn't have to put on an act. He didn't have Cheryl's sad eyes fixating on his every move, or Nate's sympathetic smiles. Even better, he didn't have Doug pretending to care about what he was going through, or even trying to understand him. It had never been a strong point of theirs.

Most of all, he could close his eyes and imagine that Brendan was here too. A place where it was warm and quiet, and impenetrable. He hated the idea of Brendan locked away, alone and without Ste. Tears rolled down his cheeks silently. A few dripped down into the sand, leaving the barest mark. Ste was only truly a mark on the sand now; he was nothing like this. He hadn't simply lost Brendan, he had lost a part of himself; a part he had spent years unaware of and one that had once been so full of love and hope and was now ripped apart and torn to pieces.

He pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees, feeling the wind ruffle his hair and dry the tears on his face. Maybe he didn't have to go back to Hollyoaks, maybe it was better to stay here. He felt closer to Brendan at least. He wasn't sure if he should visit Dublin. He didn't quite hate himself that much yet.

"Ste, love?"

Ste wiped his eyes hastily but it was pointless; Cheryl knew. She had barely stopped crying since Ste had arrived. Nate had told him how quiet she'd been before his arrival and now the sight of Ste seemed to trigger something raw and unquenchable inside her. Ste heard her sobbing most nights; another reason for his lack of sleep. He knew he was being a burden but he wasn't ready to leave, not yet.

She sat down beside him, pulling her shawl around her bare shoulders. She stared out at the waves with Ste and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry." She said. It wasn't her voice; what had once been full of life and vitality was now dead and drained.

"Don't." Ste replied, his voice raw and scratchy.

"I don't know what to do." She said, barely a whisper.

"You live. It's what he wanted."

"He'd want the same for you too."

They looked at each other then. They were all Brendan had left now; the only two who knew the entire truth about the shooting and about Seamus. But he wouldn't let them visit, neither of them. Cheryl had a court date soon to testify for him but that was it.

"Maybe it'll be okay."

"No, it won't." Ste said, hollowly. "Will you try and talk to him?"

"Not allowed." Cheryl said sadly. "My solicitor said it could hinder the case."

Ste breathed out angrily, hands balling into fists. "It isn't fair."

"You must hate me." Cheryl said, still looking at him. "I wouldn't blame you."

"I don't." Ste said, and it was true.

"Resent me then." Cheryl probed. Ste knew she wanted to be blamed; it was killing her, Brendan's sacrifice.

"He wouldn't want me to, and I don't anyway. "

"This isn't living, Ste." Ste wasn't sure if he was speaking about herself or him. They were one and the same now so it didn't matter. "You should come back inside."

Ste shook his head, wrapping his arms tighter around himself. "Not yet."

"I'll do whatever I can for him you know, in court."

"I know you will."

"It'll never be enough." Cheryl said, staring ahead once more. "He sacrificed everything for me, and what if we never see him again?"

"Cheryl," Ste pleaded, his voice cracking. "I can't."

"I'm sorry." Cheryl said again, descending back into silence.

Eventually she left him be, her footfalls near silent on the sand. Ste stayed there for several more hours until he fell asleep under the night sky; wondering whether Brendan would ever see the stars again.

Xxx

"Steven?" Brendan's voice was low, coaxing. "Ye awake?"

Ste shifted a little, feeling warmth down his side. "Huh?"

"Ye fell asleep during the film." Brendan said softly. "Anne's already gone to bed, Phoenix too."

"We better go home." Ste said, speech slurred and forgetting momentarily that they didn't live together anymore.

"Anne said we can stay in the spare." Brendan murmured. Ste only now realised how close he was. Somehow Ste had crawled up onto Brendan's lap, something covering him.

"Dad will wonder where I am."

"He's out with that Italian, isn't he? I doubt he'll be home tonight."

"I guess." Ste was starting to feel heavier, slipping back into sleep.

"Hey, get to the bed first."

"Won't make it. Legs aren't working."

"Oh how the tables have turned." Brendan chuckled. "Alright, put yer arms around my neck."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it."

Steven did as he was told. His grip was loose, head lolling onto Brendan's shoulder. Next thing he knew he was being lifted up into Brendan's arms and carried across the room.

"Ye weigh virtually nothing, Steven. What's that about?"

"Dunno." Ste answered sleepily.

Ste knew that Brendan was frowning even though he couldn't see his face.

"I'll bulk up, promise."

"Yeah?" They'd reached the guest room now. Brendan laid Ste on top of the covers. He rolled onto his stomach, squinting up at Brendan.

"I can cook for ya now."

"Ye don't cook for yer dad?"

Ste shrugged. "He hasn't got an appetite like yours."

"Must be where ye get it from then." Brendan sighed. Ste felt the dip in the bed as Brendan sat down. He flicked his shoes across the room, removing his shirt.

"What happened to your jacket?" Ste asked, little realising that it was draped across one of his shoulders.

"Ye looked cold." Brendan murmured, turning his face away. Still the same Brendan, shying away from vulnerability.

"Hey." Ste touched the small of his back. "This is nice, init? Just you and me."

Brendan smiled a rare, nostalgic smile. "Don't wanna shut ye up this time."

"Shame." Ste grinned, feeling mischievous.

"I thought ye were tired." Brendan quirked an eyebrow.

"Maybe I am." Ste said, sitting up and climbing into Brendan's lap, thighs either side of him. "Or maybe not."

"I'm hoping not." Brendan murmured, wrapping a hand around the back of Ste's neck and drawing him close.

Ste ground his hips into Brendan's crotch, hands tight in his hair. He was desperate already, his tiredness momentarily forgotten. Brendan's hands were splayed against his waist, fingers digging into the skin.

"Ye perked up fast." Brendan muttered, lips attached to his neck.

"What can I say? You bring out the worst in me." Ste threw his head back, spine curling with him. Brendan held him steady, eyes ghosting over Ste's body like a starved man.

"Jesus, Steven. I could snap ye in half."

Ste laughed, propelling himself forwards into Brendan's open embrace. "Is that a complaint?" He whispered against his ear, biting lightly on his earlobe.

"Like hell it is." Brendan growled, pushing Ste flat out on the bed.

Ste grinned at him, hands reaching for his trousers. Brendan touched his wrist gently, guiding his hand to slip beneath the waistband of his trousers.

"Like that is it?" Ste asked, feeling his own hand close around his cock.

"Indulge me." Brendan practically purred.

"You're gonna regret saying that." Ste answered delightedly. He was feeling giddy with arousal and happiness; just knowing that Brendan was here was driving him close to the edge of sanity. He couldn't believe how much of an effect the older man still had on him even after all those years apart. Ste wasn't sure he was ready to let him see just how much he affected him, not yet. Instead he pulled his hand free of his boxers, nudging Brendan's hand away from his wrist.

"Trust me." He said, eyes locked on Brendan's.

Brendan nodded slowly, shuffling back along the bed.

Ste pulled his trousers off, tossing them across the room. He slipped his shirt over his head, hardly caring how ruffled his hair had become. Brendan stared at him soberly, watching him laid naked and bare before him.

Ste slid his fingertips down his chest, stroking the few strands of hair there. He brushed a nipple on the way down, causing Brendan to wince and curse under his breath. He played with the hair on his stomach, wetting it with the moisture from his mouth. Brendan's eyes barely left his face, despite the show Ste was putting on for him from the neck down.

He offered his hand towards Brendan, shuddering a little as Brendan took three fingers eagerly into his open mouth, making obscene noises as he coated them with saliva. Ste brushed his bottom lip as he removed them, tantalisingly slow. He drew a finger slowly down the length of his cock, his other hand rotating his balls in his palm to draw Brendan's attention downwards.

He pressed the tip of one finger against his opening, feeling the puckered entrance open the barest amount to accommodate the invasion. The tip went in easily enough along with the remainder of the digit. Ste turned the finger slowly inside of him, gaining leverage where he needed it.

He began to move slowly inside and out, the suction of the movement making the most delicious sound imaginable. Brendan's eyes were fixated on the area, his own cock straining against his trousers.

"Touch yourself." Ste groaned, surreptitiously entering another finger, feeling the hot press of friction coiling inside of him.

Brendan blinked, hesitating as he contemplated taking the order. He still wasn't the type to relinquish control, for reasons Ste had been considering since that day in the club when-

"Steven." Brendan interrupted his thoughts, freeing himself of his trousers and boxers, hand closing tightly around his flushed cock.

Ste nodded the barest amount, his final finger circling the edge of his hole, ready to slip inside.

"Can I touch?" Brendan breathed, voice noticeably strained.

It was so unlike Brendan to be asking such things that Ste lost himself for a moment. He recovered quickly, shaking his head.

"Not yet."

Brendan groaned low under his breath, grasping his cock tighter in his hand as though in protest.

Ste pressed the third finger inside, the longest one. It touched the spot inside with deadly accuracy. Ste had had a lot of practice in Brendan's absence.

Brendan huffed out a breath, sweat gleaming on his forehead at the sight of Ste carving himself open for him.

It became increasingly difficult for Ste to deny himself the pleasure of Brendan's touch any longer. Indicating that he prepare himself, Ste, fingers still pressed inside, slid onto Brendan's lap once more. His thighs clamped down around him as he slowly lowered himself onto Brendan's cock.

Brendan hissed out a breath, holding Ste tightly against him as they both adjusted to the position. Ste made his first movement, legs shaking with the effort. Brendan held him steady as he began to slowly slide along his cock.

It was impossible to keep the thrusts measured and eventually Ste was moving erratically on top of him, head thrown back in ecstasy. He felt a scream rising in his throat and lunged forwards, attaching his mouth to Brendan's shoulder and biting hard to muffle the sound. Brendan cried out himself, raw and primal, against the skin at Ste's neck.

They were at the peak of arousal, gyrating together like they had never been apart, as though their skin was moulded together. Ste felt the rising, overwhelming sensation building inside of him before it hit him full force, Brendan grasping his cock in his hand and not relenting in his heavy strokes as Ste came all over their stomachs.

Ste only had a second to recover until Brendan shifted their positions, laying Ste out on his back once more and pounding into him relentlessly. His grip was tight on his knees, body pulsing in time to each thrust. Ste watched him in intense fascination until Brendan too climaxed with a long groan of pleasure.

Brendan, still holding onto Ste's knees, gave him a wolfish grin. Ste reached for him, feeling Brendan slot into his arms as easily as though they were built to be together. He wrapped his legs tightly around Brendan, pulling him even closer.

"Okay?" Brendan breathed, smoothing his hand across Ste's sweaty hair.

Ste nodded against him, nose buried somewhere in Brendan's hairy chest. He inhaled deeply, taking in Brendan's musky scent and the smell of sex.

They remained in silence for an immeasurable amount of time, simply enjoying the feel of each other's bodies, the familiarity they had craved for the past three and a half years.

"We should go outside." Ste croaked out eventually. "See the stars."

"Why?" Brendan asked, nuzzling the side of his face. "I can see stars here."

"Yeah?" Ste smiled, hand tentatively reaching for Brendan's face.

"Most definitely." Brendan replied, voice barely a whisper.

"Brendan." Ste began carefully, hating to break the spell of the moment but needing to ask the question burning in his gut.

"What is it, Steven?" Brendan brushed his cheek with his fingertips, gaze open and wondering.

"Are we… back together?" It felt silly to ask, considering what they had just done but Ste needed to know for sure.

"Is that what ye want, Steven?" Brendan asked cautiously.

"Yes." Ste replied, slight tremor to his voice. "Is it what you want?"

"Steven," Brendan took his face in his hands, forcing them to lock eyes. "It doesn't matter what I want."

Ste laughed incredulously. "But you've been in prison, Bren! You deserve a say."

"I don't know." Brendan said carefully. Ste deflated in his grip, chest tightening uncomfortably. "I don't mean that." Brendan added quickly, stroking his thumb across Ste's cheek.

"Then what do you mean?"

Brendan sighed, releasing Ste and gazing at the bedcovers like they were the most fascinating object in the room.

"Ye deserve better than me, Steven."

"What are you talking about?" Ste asked exasperatedly.

"I'm damaged goods." Brendan began, voice barely a rumble. He continued before Ste could object. "Not just that. Everything else too. I was in prison, Steven. Not for something I actually did but I'm hardly innocent, am I?"

"None died who didn't deserve to die." Ste repeated numbly. He'd repeated the same mantra almost every night since.

"That's not the point." Brendan sighed heavily. "We can't forget what happened before… ye know…" Brendan's fists balled the duvet. "When I hit ye again."

"Brendan-"

"Don't, Steven. Don't try and make sense out of it."

"It was a long time ago." Ste said quietly.

"Not really though. We've been apart since, it might as well be the day after."

"That's stupid. You've changed since then."

"I thought I had before." Brendan said, now looking at Ste sadly.

"Brendan…" Ste faltered, hardly knowing what to say.

"I should go." Brendan said heavily.

Something sparked inside of Ste. He'd almost forgotten that part of himself; somewhere down the line when his dad had arrived he had numbed its existence but now it tore out of him relentlessly.

"No!" He grabbed Brendan around the middle, flinging him onto the bed. Brendan was much bigger and stronger than him but he had been taken by surprise.

"Steven!" He protested, attempting to wrestle free. "What the fuck are ye doing?!"

"I love you. You are not leaving me again." Ste gritted his teeth, willing himself not to cry. "You're a fucking arsehole, Brendan Brady. But you're my arsehole. You ain't walking out on me, okay?"

Brendan stared at him, stunned beyond belief. Eventually he began to smile, drawing Ste against him, hands brushing across his scalp soothingly.

"Alright." He said softly. "I'm not leaving ye."

"How could you even try? After everything?" Ste was still angry. His hands gripped the covers so tightly that his fingers cracked under the pressure.

Brendan firmly untangled them, bringing the palm up to his lips. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He murmured softly.

"Fuck you, Brendan. I fucking hate you."

"No, ye don't." Brendan laughed, but Ste could hear the sob in his voice. "Ye love me, ye said."

"And you love me so you're not going anywhere. Don't ever do that again, you hear me?" Ste growled, giving Brendan his best glare.

Brendan nodded, mock sober. "I do love ye, even more so now." He brought their lips together for a hard kiss.

"Glad we've settled that one." Ste nodded, flopping next to Brendan on the bed and tangling their legs together. "Can we go to sleep now? I'm knackered."

"That's me told." Brendan muttered, but he was still smiling. "When did ye get so…?" Brendan trailed off, wonderment colouring his voice.

"Like you? I dunno." Ste shrugged, laying his head against Brendan's chest. "I swear though if you aren't here by morning I'm gonna track you down and-"

"I think I got the message." Brendan laughed, kissing the top of Ste's head. "Staying put."

"Only if you really want to though, right." Ste grumbled. "Don't stay on my account."

"Something really does need to shut ye up." Brendan kissed him again, lingering this time. "Go to sleep, I'll be here in the morning."

"Okay." Ste agreed, still cautious.

"Jesus, Steven. Trust me, yeah?"

Ste relaxed then, his features smoothing out. "I do. This is our fresh start, okay? Nothing's gonna come between us again."

Brendan groaned, rubbing his temple. "Don't fucking jinx it."

"Sorry." Ste said sheepishly. They grinned at each other; for the first time in a long while feeling untouchable.