Meredith burnt the toast, she did it on purpose because she couldn't cook. She knew she couldn't cook and she wasn't about to try now but she needed to get Izzie up and the kitchen was Izzie's. Izzie owned the kitchen, it was her space, and Meredith hoped the thought that she might be destroying it would be enough to get her up.
-8-8-8- -8-8-8-
Izzie closed her eyes and pulled the shirts tighter around her head. She tried to block out the noise, she tried to block out the smell but she couldn't block it out, she couldn't get back to Alex. So she slowly got up. She wrapped one of his shirts around her and she began walking towards the kitchen. She needed to find out what on earth Meredith was doing in there. As she walked she ignored everything else, she didn't look in the other rooms of the house, she kept her eyes forward and when she reached the kitchen she stood in the doorway and watched Meredith.
She watched Meredith pull two piece of toast from the toaster and throw them into the sink. As she did this she caught her eye, she smiled at her and shrugged, before turning on the garbage disposal and attempting to dispose of the toast. Izzie wasn't in the mood to laugh but she couldn't help but smile at the sight.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Cooking." Meredith smiled at her.
Izzie stepped forward and reached for the smoke detector, she stretched up and turned off the loud beeping. The movement pulled her chest, it hurt more that she expected, she winced, then slumped down into one of the chairs at the tiny table her and Alex had eaten dinner at.
"I don't know what you're doing," she began. "But that isn't cooking."
"I know," Meredith smiled at her. "But when have I ever cooked?"
"True." Izzie said, letting the smallest of smiles creep across her face. Meredith came and sat down at the table with her.
"I was going to order some food in." she said. "Is there anything you'd like?"
The thought of food made her insides turn. "I'm not hungry." She said pulling back inside herself.
Meredith noticed the change in her demeanor, she'd seen her start to relax a little and then turn right back in herself. She shouldn't have mentioned food but she knew Izzie hadn't eaten in days. "Iz, you need to eat." She reached out and touched her hand. "I know you haven't eaten anything today, or yesterday, or the day before."
"I don't want to eat anything." She whispered, pulling away.
"I know, but you need to. You're going to get sick, you're going to waste away if you don't."
Izzie looked down at her hands, her bones were more defined than before, she could already tell she was losing weight. "Maybe I want to." She whispered so quietly, she wasn't sure Meredith heard her. If she did hear it she ignored it.
"I'm going to order some Chinese." Meredith said standing and walking out the kitchen. In the hallway she picked up the phone and dialed the number. She ordered some chicken and vegetables, with some spring rolls. After she ordered she stayed in the hallway a little longer, she was trying to collect her thoughts and work out what she was supposed to do next. She'd heard what Izzie had said, she hadn't acknowledged it but she heard it. She needed to do something to help but she didn't know what. She walked into the bathroom and wet her face, on the ground she noticed the wet clothes Izzie had worn the day before, and beside the sink was the brace Izzie was meant to be wearing. She picked it up and carried it into the kitchen.
Izzie was still sitting at the table, she was running her fingers over the incisions along her arm, they still looked red and raw but they were healing well.
"You should be wearing this." She said placing the brace beside her and sitting down at the table.
"I don't need it." Izzie said still rubbing the wounds. "It doesn't hurt." She was lying, it hurt a lot and the rubbing she was doing was making it worse but she liked it, she liked making herself hurt.
"Iz," Meredith reached down and lifted Izzie's hand away from her arm. "You need to wear the brace. You need to make sure your arm heals properly."
"I don't care about my arm." She said and she started running her fingers along her incisions again.
"Iz," Meredith pulled her hand away again. "You might not care now but you will. You're a surgeon; you need both your hands and both your arms working properly. "
"It doesn't matter." Izzie whispered, she wouldn't look at Meredith but she slipped the brace on anyway. She didn't want to argue. "I think I might go back to bed." She said standing up, but Meredith stood too.
"Iz, all you've been doing is sleeping." She started telling her. "Why don't you stay up with me for a while? The food will be here soon."
Izzie closed her eyes and sucked in a small breath, a shiver ran through her body. "I said I wasn't hungry." She said stepping forward. But Meredith wasn't going to let her get away that easily, she stood in front of her, and reached out, she touched her arm, she didn't grab hold of her though. If she really wanted to get away she could have but she had no energy to fight, she just stood there.
"We could sit and talk or whatever." Meredith suggested. Izzie looked at her and turned around, she went back to the table and sat down. She didn't want to talk though, instead she rested her head on the table and closed her eyes.
Meredith watched Izzie move back to the table, she watched her lay her head down and close her eyes. This wasn't what she wanted but it was an improvement on before, kind of, at least she wasn't on the floor anymore. Meredith went back to the table and sat down again.
"Iz," She began saying as she reached out and touched her head.
"I don't want to talk." Izzie said before Meredith could finish what she was saying.
"You don't have." Meredith told her, closing her own eyes, she wanted to help, she wanted to take away some of her friends pain but that was impossible. "I just want you to know you're not alone, you don't have to do this by yourself. Everybody is here to help you."
Izzie didn't say anything, she didn't react. Meredith gently started stroking her head. "You're going to get through this." She whispered, so quietly Izzie may not have heard her. The statement was just as much for her benefit as Izzie's, she needed to tell herself her friend would be okay because she couldn't handle losing another friend.
Neither one said another word until the food arrived. Izzie tried to fall asleep, she tried to dream of Alex, but the dreams wouldn't come on their own. Meredith tried to work out what she was going to do next. She knew Izzie wasn't going to want to eat anything, she'd made that quite clear but she needed to eat. She was going to get sick if she didn't eat.
-8-8-8- -8-8-8-
The delivery man rang the door bell when he arrived. The noise ran through the house making both women jump. It had been so silent before you could have heard a pin drop. Meredith had stopped trying to talk to Izzie, she'd stopped trying to get her to talk. She didn't want to, and honestly Meredith didn't know what she would do if Izzie did start talking to her, if she did start telling her everything, if she told her how she felt, what she was going through. They were all things she thought Izzie needed to talk about but she didn't have to be the one she talked to.
The noise startled Izzie, she hadn't fallen asleep but she was beginning to have a rather nice day dream. She sat up and looked around.
"That'll be the food." Meredith said standing up. She shrugged and lay her head back down on the table.
Meredith left the kitchen and began making her way to the front door. As she walked she began digging in her pockets for some money, she'd shoved the change from the coffee she'd brought that morning into one of them. She shoved one hand into each pocket. Her right hand wrapped around some money, her left hand wrapped around the small bag holding Alex's wedding ring.
"Oh, shit." She thought to herself. She'd completely forgotten about the ring, she'd completely forgotten she needed to give it to Izzie. She opened the front door and handed the man more than enough money to pay for the food. She took it from him and closed the door. She walked slowly back to the kitchen. There were two things she needed to work out now. How was she going to get Izzie to eat and how was she going to give her the ring.
Izzie could hear Meredith walking back up the hallway with the food. She closed her eyes and tried to ignore it. She didn't want to eat, not because she wasn't hungry, she was actually very hungry, but she didn't want to put food in her mouth, she liked the feeling of hunger, she liked making herself physically hurt, it lessened all the other pain.
She heard Meredith walk back into the kitchen, she felt her place the bags of food on the table near her head. She kept her eyes closed and pretended she was asleep, she wasn't going to eat the food, if Meredith asked her if she wanted some she'd say no. But she could smell the food, it smelt good and she felt her stomach being to turn. She heard Meredith pull some plates from the cupboard, she heard her carry them over to the table, and she heard her open the bags and start dishing food onto a plate. She heard her sit down and start to eat but she did not say a word to her. She didn't try to make her eat.
Meredith slipped some noodles into her mouth and began to eat, she ate slowly and made as much noise as she could. She wasn't going to tell Izzie to eat, she wasn't going to try and push her, not yet anyway. She was hoping the smell on its own might convince her to eat. It was a long shot but the only other option was trying to force her which she didn't want to do, and could always try later.
The food smelt good, Izzie felt her stomach rolling, she didn't want to eat but her body wanted her to. She ignored it for as long as possible, but fifteen minutes later she gave in. She sat up and reached for the plate, Meredith smiled at her; she gave her a weak smile back, and began dishing some food onto the plate. She didn't take a lot of food, normally she'd eat a lot more but she wasn't sure how well her body would take the food. She hadn't eaten anything since she'd left the hospital and there she'd only ate what she had to. She stabbed a carrot with a fork and slipped it into her mouth. It wasn't the nicest thing she'd eaten, in fact it tasted like cardboard but her body responded well to it. She didn't feel like she had a lump in her throat, she didn't have problems swallowing. She kept eating and the more she ate the better she felt. She finished what she'd put on her plate and pushed it away. Meredith put her plate down too and smiled at her.
"That was good wasn't it?" She said to her trying to get the conversation going with something light.
"Yeah it was good." Izzie sighed.
"Do you feel any better?"
"I guess." It was an honest response, the food did make her feel better, but she was still a long way from feeling good. "The food was good." She said again. "I guess I was hungry."
"Probably." Meredith smiled at her. "You can have some more if you want."
"I'm alright." Izzie said and she reached for a piece of broccoli, and popped it in her mouth.
"You sure about that?"
Meredith watched as a smile began to creep across Izzie's face.
"Yeah," She said and she licked the ends of her fingers.
"Okay then." There was a pause and then both women started laughing.
It felt good to feel the air break. Meredith could feel Izzie starting to relax and the dark cloud that had been over her starting to lift. They laughed until they forgot why they were laughing and they kept laughing because they didn't have anything else to say.
"Meredith, thank you." Izzie said after a while. "I needed that."
"I know." Meredith smiled at her as she pulled her chair around so they were right next to each other. She put her arm around her shoulder, and pulled her in for a half embrace. "Iz, there is something I need to give you."
"What?" Izzie said pulling away so she could face Meredith.
Meredith took in a breath and stuck her hand into her pocket. She wasn't sure if now was the right time but there would never be a right time. She pulled the ring out of her pocket and placed it in Izzie's hand.
"They found it today at the hospital it's…"
"I know what it is." Izzie said wrapping her hand around the ring. Inside her chest she could feel her heart begin to race. She brought her hand up to her mouth and kissed it. She didn't say anything though.
"Iz, are you okay?" Meredith asked after several minutes of total silence.
"Yeah" Izzie said looking up at her, but the spark in her eyes was gone. "I just need to go lay down." Her words sounded defeated and just a little bit shaky.
"Okay." Meredith said to her and they both started to stand. They walked to the kitchen door together. "Would you like me to stay here?" she offered.
"No, I'll be okay." The words came out with just enough confidence for Meredith to believe them. "I'm going to go to sleep. I'll be fine." Inside she was starting to shake though.
"Okay." Meredith wrapped her arm around her and gave her a hug. "Phone me if you need something. I don't want you to get lost again."
"Okay." She wasn't going to get lost again. "I won't leave the house."
"That's not what I meant."
"I know." Izzie wrapped her arms around Meredith and hugged her back. She pulled her close to her, a little tighter than normal. "I'll be fine." She told her and she held onto her for a second longer, she could feel tears starting to well up in eyes. She let go and started walking away. She didn't wait to find out if Meredith left, she just walked into her bedroom and closed the door.
-8-8-8- -8-8-8-
Meredith watched Izzie walk into her bedroom. She didn't follow her, she thought about it but she let her go. She thought she was making progress, she thought she'd be okay. She'd check on her in the morning. She walked back into the kitchen and picked up her bag, and then she walked out the front door.
-8-8-8- -8-8-8-
Inside her room, Izzie sat down on the edge of the bed. She closed her eyes and felt tears run down the side of her face. She breathed slowly and tried to get herself in control but her heart ached. She was still holding Alex's ring in her hand, she made her hand into a fist and squeezed it as tight as could, she squeezed it until it hurt. Then she opened her eyes and opened her hand. The impression of the ring was lightly etched on her palm. She picked the ring up and began twisting it in her fingers. She ran her fingers over the smooth outer surface, and then around the engraving along the inside.
The engraving had been Alex's idea, a compromise as he called it. She'd wanted them to have matching rings, but she wanted diamonds and he didn't. They'd argued about it for a long time before Alex had come up with something they could agree on. On the inside of their rings it said eternity, but it was only when they were together it could be read.
"Two halves of a whole." He'd said to her when he'd told her the idea. It had been the perfect idea, the perfect compromise.
She slipped the ring onto her finger above her own. She hadn't taken off her ring yet, she couldn't bring herself to remove it. She looked at the two rings together; Alex's slipped over her own.
"Two halves of a whole." She thought to herself and she closed her eyes again. "Alex, why did you leave me?" she whispered under her breath and she started sobbing. She lay down on her side and pulled her knees up to her chest, she cried and her whole body shook. She wanted to fall asleep, she wanted to cry herself to sleep but an hour later she was still wide awake.
She got up again and walked over to her bag; she pulled the bottle of pills from it, and got a large glass of water from the bathroom. She sat down on the edge of the bed and bit the lid off the bottle. Pills went flying but this time she didn't stop to pick them up. Instead she tipped more into her hand and one by one she started swallowing them.
One, two, three, four, five. With each pill she swallowed she waited a moment for sleep to come and when it didn't she took another one. She knew she was taking more than she should, she knew it, but she didn't care. She just wanted to sleep; she wanted to sleep so bad, she wanted to sleep so she could stop crying.
She swallowed half the bottle before sleep finally came. She swallowed her last pill and dropped the bottle and the glass at the same time. They hit the ground hard and both rolled under the bed. She slumped over onto her side and closed her eyes. She was conscious just enough to pull Alex's pillow against her chest and then she slipped into the deepest sleep of her life.