"Iz," Meredith looked back at her friend, she looked very disorientated. "Do you remember what you did?"
"What?" She didn't know what Meredith was talking about and then she saw the half empty bottle of pills sitting on her bedside table. "Oh that. You weren't supposed to find out about that." She looked away; she didn't want to talk to Meredith about it. She twisted around so she was sitting on the edge of the bed, she rested her head in her hands and she closed her eyes again. She felt so ill.
"Iz," She felt Meredith move on the bed beside her. "How could we not find out?"
She didn't know she hadn't really thought about it, when she'd swallowed the pills she wasn't really thinking, she'd just wanted to sleep. She didn't say anything, she didn't want to talk, instead she let out another moan. And then a wave of nausea traveled through her body. "I'm going to be sick." She said standing up. Standing didn't help, blood rushed to her feet and she instantly felt dizzy as well. She swayed and she felt Meredith grab hold of her. It took a moment for her to get her balance and then she started stumbling to the bathroom. She sat down on the edge of the bathtub and lent over the toilet but she wasn't sick, she wanted to be sick but there was nothing in her stomach to be sick with.
Meredith watched Izzie stumble to the bathroom. She went after her and stopped at the door. She watched her sit on the edge of the bathtub and lean forward, she let out a soft moan but she wasn't sick. She stood watching her for a minute, she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do next, there were a lot of things she needed to do, things which needed to be said but she wasn't sure of the best way to go about it. Izzie looked quite ill and she needed to talk to her but she needed to make sure she'd listen too.
"Iz," She said walking into the bathroom, "I'm going to go get you something to drink. Will you be okay for a minute?"
Izzie's only response was another moan, she didn't care what Meredith did, she just wanted the nausea to stop, she just wanted to feel normal. Her head felt like it was stuck in a cloud, she couldn't concentrate. When Meredith was gone she stood up and stumbled back to the bed. She lay down on it, she wanted to fall back asleep, she thought maybe if she slept more maybe this feeling she felt would go away. She closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing, in her chest she could feel her heart thumping, she didn't like the feeling.
Meredith walked down the hallway to the kitchen, in her head she was trying to run though everything that needed to happen in the next few hours, she was trying to work out what she needed to say to Izzie and how on earth she was supposed to say it. They hadn't really talked about anything since the accident; they'd avoided discussing feelings because discussing feelings was hard, it was painful. They couldn't keep avoiding the conversation though not anymore.
In the kitchen she pulled out her phone and made a few quick phone calls, she needed to tell George and Christina that Izzie had finally woken up. She didn't want them to come over though, not yet, she wanted to try and handle this herself. When she was done she opened the fridge and pulled out some juice. She poured one large glass of it and another glass of water and carried them both back to the bedroom. In her head she thought she knew what she was going to do but she had no idea if it was the right thing to do.
Izzie heard Meredith walk back into the room but she didn't move, she kept her eyes closed and tried to be asleep. She heard the sound of two glasses being placed on the bedside table and felt Meredith's weight on the bed beside her.
"Izzie, you need to stay awake." She heard her say and then she felt a hand on her shoulder and a gentle shaking motion. The shaking didn't help the nausea.
"I'm a wake." She said still not opening her eyes. "Please stop shaking me." The shaking stopped but Meredith wasn't going to let her just lay there.
"Iz, you need to sit up. I brought you some juice, you'll feel better once you have something to eat and drink."
She didn't want to sit up though; she let out another moan and instead opened her eyes. She looked up at Meredith and noticed for the first time how blood shot her eyes were and how tired she looked.
"I don't feel well." She said. "I just want to lay here for a bit."
Meredith still wasn't going to let her lay there though. "I know you don't feel well, swallowing that much medication is going to make you feel sick but you really need to sit up and have something to drink. It will help you feel better."
She didn't want to get up but after a moment she felt Meredith begin to try and pull her up. She pushed herself the rest of the way up and sat on the edge of the bed. Meredith handed her the glass of juice and she took a small sip. It tasted horrible in her mouth, it was too sweet, and it didn't make her feel better. She put the glass back on the bedside table and reached for the water. It tasted better but it still wasn't helping.
Meredith watched Izzie take a sip of the water, it was a start. She waited until she'd drunk half the glass before she tried talking to her. This wasn't a conversation she wanted to have but it was a conversation they had to have.
"Izzie, we need to talk." she began, and then held her breath while she waited for Izzie to respond.
Izzie took a large gulp of water; she didn't want to do this. "There's nothing to talk about." She said not making eye contact.
Meredith gulped; this wasn't going to be easy. "Izzie you swallowed half a bottle of sleeping pills."
Izzie turned her head to look at her. "I wasn't trying to kill myself if that's what you're thinking." She said before looking away again.
That wasn't a response Meredith was expecting, it took her a moment to work out how to respond. "Why did you take them?" she finally asked. Izzie didn't respond. "Iz, why did you take them?"
Izzie didn't say anything for a long time, "Iz," she felt Meredith place her hand on her arm; she pushed it away and finally responded.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"I can tell but you have to talk about it. If you don't want to talk to me about it that's fine, we can go down to the hospital and I'll organize for you to talk to someone there, but you have to talk to someone."
Izzie lifted her glass to her mouth and drunk the remainder of the water. She didn't want to talk but she didn't want to go down to the hospital more, not as a patient. She exhaled slowly and tried to work out how she was going to explain. "I just wanted to sleep." She finally said. "I just wanted to sleep forever."
As the words came out of her mouth she felt Meredith move closer to her. "Do you hear what you're saying?" She asked her. "How is sleeping forever any different?"
"I don't know." She blinked her eyes; she could feel tears starting form. "But I didn't want to die I just wanted to sleep, I just wanted it to stop hurting." She closed her eyes and felt the tears run down her face. "If I was trying to kill myself, I would have mixed these with some alcohol; I wouldn't have taken them with water." She was trying to justify what she'd done, but she wasn't sure it was working, her words even to her sounded off. Was she really trying to kill herself, the thought in that form hadn't crossed her mind as she'd consciously swallowed more than she knew was safe, at the time she'd just wanted to sleep, she'd just wanted it to stop hurting but as Meredith had just said, how was that any different.
"Iz," She felt Meredith put her arm around and pull her closer to her. "You scared us all half to death. I was so scared, I thought…" It was now Meredith's turn to tear up; she couldn't get the words she wanted to say out. "I've already lost one friend I don't want to lose another." As the words came out her mouth Izzie turned to face her, she was crying too.
"I'm so sorry." She sobbed and she wrapped her arms around Meredith's shoulders. "I just don't know what else to do. I don't know how to keep going without him. I miss him so much and when I sleep I dream about him."
"I know." Meredith pulled her even tighter. "I miss him too but this isn't…what you're doing, it's not healthy. It's not what Alex would want." She blinked her eyes letting more tears run down her face. She let go of Izzie so she could look at her. "I spoke to Alex, I spoke to him before he went into surgery. He knew he was in bad shape and he wanted me to tell you." She gulped fighting back more tears. "He wanted me to tell you he loves you, and he wants you to be happy, he doesn't want you to mourn him forever. He wouldn't want you doing this."
Izzie listened to Meredith's words, they made her ache even more but she knew she was right. Alex wouldn't want her doing this but she felt so lost without him. "I don't know how to live without him." She cried as she rested her head against Meredith's shoulder.
"I know," Meredith whispered through her own tears. She pulled Izzie tight to her side and gently started rubbing her back. "I don't know either but you have to learn. You have to learn to live without him because what you're doing now, it's not living."