Thanks for the comments everyone. The previous chapter was not the end of the story as some of you asked however if this was a novel there would be a blank page right now and then another page with the words Part Two. The end of the last chapter saw Izzie hit rock bottom and realise what she has been doing it not healthy, is not what Alex would want. This chapter is the first step in the long road Izzie must travel as she learns to live without Alex. Things are going to start getting better or at least that is my intention.
Izzie closed her eyes and let herself cry. She hoped it might make her feel better but it just made her feel worse. She cried so hard she felt like she would choke on her own tears but she didn't try to make herself stop. She wasn't the only one crying, Meredith was crying too, and the harder they both cried the closer to each other they became, literally, it was like they were holding onto the other for dear life. They stayed like that for a long time, just holding each other and crying, but eventually the tears dried up.
"Iz," She heard Meredith begin to say. "Lets go to the kitchen and get something to eat."
"I'm not really hungry." The response was more of a reflex than a defense, it wasn't that she didn't want to eat it was just she still felt so ill and she didn't think food would help.
"I think some food would make you feel better. You've hardly ate anything for the last five days. Come on."
Meredith stood and held out her hand for Izzie. After a moments hesitation Izzie reached up and took it, she let Meredith pull her to her feet and as she stood she felt her head begin to spin, she swayed a little bit before, she felt Meredith grab hold of her.
"Easy now," Meredith smiled at her. "You're going to be feeling pretty crock for a few more hours."
"Yeah" Izzie tried to smile back but she didn't feel good at all.
-8-8-8-8-
"You're not going to cook are you?" Izzie asked Meredith as she sat her down at the kitchen table. The thought of eating anything Meredith cooked was not a pleasant thought.
"Do you want me to cook?" Meredith smiled at her. It was a rhetorical question; no one ever wanted her to cook. She let out a small laugh. "No, I was going to make sandwiches."
"Good."Izzie tried to smile back, "I didn't want to have to shut off that smoke detector again."
"Yeah," Meredith smiled, it was a start, and Izzie was trying.
For the rest of the morning, the two women sat in the kitchen and talked. Meredith managed to get Izzie to talk about how she was feeling, it was a difficult conversation, difficult to get started but once she got going it became easier. They both had moments of crying, it was impossible to talk without crying, but they made progress.
Izzie ate the sandwiches Meredith made, they were surprisingly good and they did make her feel better, a little bit. Time was what she really needed though, time for the medications to pass though her system, time for her heart to stop aching.
By the time lunch time came around they'd moved on to talking about what was going to happen next. What Izzie wanted to do, felt ready to do, and what Meredith thought she needed to do. High on the list of priorities was making sure she started eating properly again, food would help with a lot of things, or at least it would help her feel better physically, it would give her some energy and maybe with some energy she'd be able to begin to heal emotionally.
"I think we should go down to the hospital." Meredith suggested as she placed another sandwich in front of Izzie, this sandwich was lunch.
"I…I don't want to go there." Izzie stammered as her skin went a shade lighter. "I'm okay, really I'll be fine, I don't need to go there." She picked up the sandwich and took a bite of it, she wanted to look like she was okay, she needed to be okay. "See I'm okay." She tried to smile, but she couldn't hide the way she was really feeling from her eyes. She didn't want to go down to the hospital, the idea of being there terrified her.
Meredith saw through her, she saw the hint of fear and that was not the reaction she had intended for. "Iz we don't have to go down there if you don't want to." She soothed. "But I think it might help, and," she added, "you should have your arm looked at again. You haven't been taking care with it and you need it to heal properly."
"Oh." Izzie whispered taking another bite of the sandwich, at that moment eating was easier than talking. She'd been talking a lot, and listening, together she was finding it very draining. But she saw what Meredith was saying. She ran her fingers along the incisions on her arm, if she pushed hard enough she could feel the plates and screws beneath her skin, and she suddenly realized messed up her arm really was.
Before she hadn't noticed, or if she had, she hadn't cared. She tried to make her hand into a fist and flex her fingers, the movement hurt and she bit down on her lip to try and stop herself crying in pain, tears spilt from her eyes. "Okay," she said after a moment. "We can go to the hospital, but I don't want to stay there."
-8-8-8-8-
Another hour past after Izzie agreed to go down to the hospital before they actually left the house. Meredith made the phone calls to organize the x-rays and then they talked about what was going to happen. Meredith could tell Izzie was uncomfortable with going down to the hospital. The last time she'd been there she was still in shock and heavily doped up on meds, she'd been like a walking zombie. Now her head was clearer and she was fully aware of what she was about to do.
Going home had been bad, but really they'd only been living there a few weeks, the hospital had practically been their home for the last four year. She wouldn't be able to walk anywhere without seeing Alex, without feeling a pulling in her chest knowing he would never be there again.
They drove down to the hospital in silence. Izzie was trying to keep herself composed, she was trying not to cry, trying not to shake, it was only partially working. By the time Meredith pulled the car into the parking lot, she'd worked herself into a state. She could not move and her heart was pounding.
"Izzie," She felt Meredith touch her shoulder, the contact helped snap her out a little. "We're here. Are you ready to go inside?"
Ready, she would never really be ready, but she had to be, she had to start trying to move forward. Meredith had told her that is what Alex would want and she believed that but, it didn't make it any easier.
"Okay." She whispered and she opened the car door and stepped out. She walked to the entrance of the hospital and stood there. She couldn't go inside by herself, she waited for Meredith to come stand beside her.
"You can do this." She heard Meredith whisper to her.
"I know." She whispered back. She reached down and grabbed hold of Meredith's hand. "Don't leave me." She whispered squeezing her hand tight.
"I won't." Meredith whispered and she felt Izzie take a deep breath and they stepped inside the hospital.
-8-8-8-8-
The smell was what hit her first that strange combination of antiseptics and disinfectants all mixed into one. It was a smell which only a hospital could make. A smell which she had forgotten about after working there a few weeks but now it seemed to overwhelm her senses. She let go of Meredith's hand and ran to the closest restroom. She pushed open the door, and crouched over one of the bowls, then she closed her eyes and began to vomit.
Meredith walked in a few steps behind her. "Izzie are you okay?" She heard her ask as she knelt down on the ground beside her and pulled back her hair.
"Yeah," She sat up and used some towel to wipe her mouth. "I thought I was okay but then…"
"You don't need to explain yourself." Meredith told her. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." She stayed sitting for another moment before standing up. She walked over to the basin and rinsed her mouth out and wet her face. "I'm okay." She said turning to face Meredith. "Lets go."
They walked out of the restroom and headed down the corridor towards x-ray. Izzie reached for Meredith's hand and held tightly onto it. As they walked deeper into the hospital she could feel her heart rate increasing, and her palms begin to sweat, she was trying to keep her body, her emotions in check but it was only working a little bit. She couldn't look anywhere without some form of memory hitting her.
By the time they reached x-ray she was only just in control of herself. She sat down in one of the chairs in the waiting area and told herself to breath, she told herself to stay together. She didn't want to fall apart here. Beside her Meredith was filling in the paper work, she kept asking her mundane questions and as annoying as the questions were answering them seem edto help.
She began to clam down or at least the focus of her anxiety began to change. When the time came for her to have the x-ray taken she was okay. She followed the technician into the room, and followed his instructions as he positioned her arm on the table and placed a lead apron over the rest of her body. They took the shots, and she walked back to the waiting room, Meredith was still sitting there filling out forms.
"How did it go?" Meredith asked her as she sat back down.
"I don't know." She lent back against the chair. "Do you think it is okay?"
"I don't know." Meredith put her papers down. She reached for Izzie's arm and took it gently in her hands. "I saw the original films, the breaks were server but they did a good job of repairing them."
"Ms Stevens?" Someone had walked into the waiting area holding a large yellow envelop. Izzie stood up and took it from the person and went back to the chair.
"Lets go somewhere else to look at it." Meredith suggested standing up. She didn't want Izzie to receive bad results, or mixed results in the waiting area.
"Okay." Izzie said and they began walking the corridors of the hospital again. The second time through the corridors weren't as bad. Maybe it was because she'd already been through them, or maybe it was because she was anxious to see her x-ray but she didn't feel so overwhelmed with memories.
They found an empty exam room and pulled the x-rays from the envelope; they stuck them in a light box and looked at them. Izzie gulped, she hadn't seen her previous x-ray, or if she had she didn't remember. "Wow" She whispered under her breath. If it hadn't been her x-ray she was staring she may have found the images exciting, but they were hers and excited was about as far away from how she could possibly be feeling. The plates and screws were doing a good job of holding the fractures in place but there were so many of them.
"It looks okay." Meredith smiled at her, "See it's beginning to heal."
"Yeah." Izzie sighed and she reached for the films and pulled them down. She didn't want to look at them anymore, she knew how bad her arm was, staring at them wasn't going to help.
Meredith watched as Izzie tried to stuff the films back into the envelope. She was moving differently now, she was holding her arm protectively against her chest and was trying to do everything with the one hand.
"Here, let me help." She offered taking the envelope and the films from Izzie and sliding them into the envelope.
"Thanks." Izzie whispered and then she just kind of stood there. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do now, what they were supposed to do, they'd finished what they came to the hospital for, or at least they'd finished what Meredith had told her they were coming to the hospital for, what she'd agreed to come to the hospital for.
"Izzie," Meredith was talking to her again. She looked up at her. "We should have an orthopaedist look at these too. They look okay but we should still have a specialist look at them."
"Okay." Izzie nodded, that was probably a good idea.
"And Iz, there is something else I think we should do too."
"What?" She knew this was coming, she knew they weren't just going to the hospital for x-rays that was just the ploy to get her there.
"I think we should clean out Alex's cubby."
-8-8-8-8-
Izzie didn't want to clean out Alex's cubby, she didn't want to do anything aside from sleeping but she knew she couldn't just do that, not if her friends had anything to do with it. But cleaning out Alex's cubby was one of the last things she wanted to do, it wouldn't be about remembering him, it would be like she was removing him. Once his things were gone from the space it would no longer be his, soon someone else would put their things there and it would be like he was never there.
She walked into the residence lounge behind Meredith, it was empty, that was the first thing she noticed and she was glad, she didn't need people watching her while she did this. They both sat down on the bench in front of the cubbies. Alex's was right in front of her, but it didn't look like his anymore. People had been placing cards and flowers in it, it looked over full, some of the flowers were falling out, some of the flowers were dying. She looked over at her cubby, it was much the same, over full with dying flowers.
She stood up and walked over to the cubbies, she grabbed hold of the flowers and started throwing them to the floor, they didn't belong there, they weren't hers, they weren't his, when they were all gone she sat back down again. She stared at the two cubbies, they were complete opposites of each other, hers was over crowed, she had several changes of clothes and a lot of food. Alex used to call her cubby a pantry, he used to say he knew where to look if he ever got hungry in the middle of the night. Alex's cubby was almost empty, he didn't keep much at work, just a change of scrubs, the only way you could tell it was his was the photos he kept stuck up on the side of it. He didn't keep a lot of photos, just a couple of them together and a few of her. He'd always told her he didn't need many photos that the real images where inside his head. He said he kept the photos there so no one would steal his cubby, she often wondered if it was also so no one would steal her. Not that he had anything to worry about there, her heart belonged to him, and his heart belonged to her, or at least it had, she wasn't sure how that worked now.
"Izzie." Meredith's voice broke into her thoughts. "We've been sitting here for half an hour. Are you sure you're ready to do this?"
"No," She whispered back. "I'll never be ready." She swallowed hard. "I feel like I'm about to clean him away, remove him, once this is done it will be like he was never here."
"Iz, you're not removing him," She felt Meredith move on the bench beside her. "He'll always be here," she moved her arms to gesture the room, "and he'll always be here." She took her hand and placed it over Izzie's heart. "The rest of this stuff, it's all superficial, it's not important, not really, these things they're just objects, they're not Alex."
"I know," Izzie gulped. "But that doesn't make it any easier. I don't want people to forget him, I don't want people to forget he was here, I don't want him to be replaced."
She started to cry again and Meredith pulled her to her side. "We can't control what the hospital does." She whispered to her. "But even if they do hire a new doctor no one is ever going to replace him, not for you, not for me, and not for everyone else who matters."
Izzie didn't say anything else, she took in a deep breath and a shiver ran through her whole body. Meredith held her tighter, she was beginning to think maybe this was a bad idea, maybe she was asking too much too soon but what they were doing it needed to be done. And just when she was about to ask her again if she wanted help Izzie stood up and walked over to the cubby.
She reached for the photos and began pulling them down, she slipped them into her bag and then picked up the pair of scrubs. She brought them to her nose and smelt them, they smelt like hospital grade detergent, there was nothing 'Alex' about them, she threw them into the laundry and turned to face Meredith. Meredith was still sitting on the bench and she had a smile on her face. Izzie looked away from her.
"Can we go now?" She asked and then she waited for Meredith to stand so she could take her home. She didn't want to be at the hospital anymore and she thought she'd done enough for the day. She wanted to go back home and sleep again, she was ready to sleep again.