A/N: This update has been such a long time coming. I hope people are still reading this and thanks to everyone who has been leaving reviews.
"Can we go now?" She asked and then she waited for Meredith to stand so she could take her home. She didn't want to be at the hospital anymore and she thought she'd done enough for the day. She wanted to go back home and sleep again, she was ready to sleep again.
"Not yet, there is one more thing we need to do." The words came out of Meredith's mouth and Izzie felt herself sink more. What else could Meredith want her do to? She'd just cleaned out Alex's cubby, that was a big step, that was hard.
"What?" She asked.
"I…" Meredith looked away from her for a second. "I want you to talk to one of the hospital grief counsellors."
"Oh." She felt herself begin freeze up she didn't want to talk to a counsellor, she wasn't ready to talk, not really, she'd been talking with Meredith but that wasn't really the same thing.
"I phoned them earlier, they said we can come up there this afternoon."
"I don't want to talk to a counsellor." The quiver, slight fear resonated from her voice. Meredith heard it and she stepped forward to touch her but Izzie stepped back.
"Iz you need to talk to a counsellor. You need to talk to someone."
"I don't want to talk to anyone." The idea of sitting in a room with a stranger and spilling her feelings out to them, she didn't want to do that. "I'm not ready to talk to anyone."
"Iz," Meredith was standing right beside her now she was holding her arm and she wasn't going to let it go. "I don't care if you're not ready. You tried to kill yourself. You have to talk to someone."
"I didn't try to kill myself." She tried to pull her arm away from Meredith but she couldn't move.
"Okay, you overdosed on sleeping pills. It's the same thing. When I found you, I should have phoned an ambulance, I should have taken you to the hospital but I didn't because I didn't want you to wake up in the psyche ward, I didn't want you to wake up in that environment. But you have to talk to someone."
"I'll talk to you. I've been talking to you." Izzie was starting the tear up again, it was obvious this was something she didn't want to do.
"I know, and that is good but this is bigger than me, I can't give you what you need."
"Please Meredith can you just take me home." She was starting to beg, it sounded like she was pleading. "I'm so tried."
"This will only take an hour then we can leave."
Meredith wrapped her arm tightly around Izzie's waist and began walking her forward. At first she tried to stay where she was, she didn't want to move but eventually she started walking. She went with Meredith because she didn't really have much choice.
-8-8-8-8-8-
Christina glanced down at her watch, it had been an hour since she'd seen Meredith lead a very scared looking Izzie into the residence lounge, an hour since she'd let anyone else in the room. Meredith hadn't asked her to do it, she hadn't asked her to make sure they had some privacy but she'd seen the look on her face. Izzie looked scared, but Meredith looked drained, she'd been shouldering all the weight, she'd been holding Izzie up on her own. Some privacy was the lease she could offer, it was the only thing she could offer, was willing to offer.
It wasn't her place to say who could and couldn't come into the room, she had no real power over it but she had some pretend power. She had enough power to send residences on wild goose chases looking for lab results for factitious patients, enough power to send the younger residence running scared the other way. But she wasn't sure how much longer she could keep it up, how much longer she could keep everyone out; people were starting to ask questions, people were beginning to work out what was going on.
A small crowd was beginning to form outside the room, they knew Izzie and Meredith were in there; their voices kept drifting under the door. Everyone was waiting to get a glimpse; they'd stopped so they could see the train wreck.
She watched the door handle began to turn. She saw Meredith first, and then Izzie, Izzie looked absolutely terrified and tears glistened from her cheeks. Meredith had her arm tightly around her and was leading her forward.
She took a step forward as if to speak to them and then stopped. She didn't have anything to say and it didn't look like they were up for small talk. Instead she gave Meredith a nod, and Meredith returned the gesture with a sad smile. There was an understanding between them, they were both doing what they had to do.
-8-8-8-8-8-
"I am going to lay down." Izzie said as soon as she walked in the front door of her house. The last few hours at the hospital had been emotionally draining and all she wanted to do was go back to sleep and dream about Alex again.
"You can't go to sleep Iz." Meredith said walking into the house behind her and closing the door. "It's too early to go to sleep."
Izzie wasn't expecting that response from Meredith, she didn't think this was something she'd argue with her about, all day she'd done everything Meredith had asked her to do and now she was exhausted and wanted to go back to sleep.
"I'm tired." She said and she kept walking to her bedroom. Behind her she could hear Meredith following.
"Izzie." She heard her call out to her but she kept walking. She walked all the way into her bedroom and closed the door. She sat down on the edge of the bed and took a few deep breaths. She could hear Meredith walking up the hallway; she'd be in the room with her in a few seconds. On the bedside table the half empty bottle of pills still sat, she grabbed them and slipped them into her bag just as Meredith walked into the room.
-8-8-8-8-8-
"Izzie," Meredith began as she sat down on the bed beside her. "You can't go to sleep just yet. It's still early and …" Meredith paused for a moment she knew what she wanted to say, she'd been thinking about it on the drive home but she wasn't sure how Izzie would react. "…I want you to come stay at my house."
She watched for Izzie's reaction, she didn't say anything straight away, instead she reached over for Alex's pillow and she clutched it to her chest. "I'd rather stay here." She said eventually in a voice slightly muffled by the pillow.
"I understand." It was the reaction Meredith was expecting, she didn't think Izzie would want to leave. "But Izzie, if you're staying here, I'm staying here too."
"You don't have to do that." Izzie didn't want Meredith staying at her house, she could still smell Alex's sent in the air and she was afraid if other people were there too much she would lose it. "I'm okay."
"Iz you're not okay," Meredith expected her to say that, "You keep saying you are but you're not, and that is okay, you don't have to be okay but you have to let us help."
"I just want to stay here by myself, I just want to go back to sleep." She lay down on her side and closed her eyes. "I promise I won't do anything bad again." The words came out of her mouth so quietly it sounded like a whisper, like she was already falling asleep.
"I want to believe you Iz but I can't." Meredith reached for Izzie's shoulder and tried to pull her back up. "Please Izzie sit back up." She didn't sit back up though she pulled the pillow closer to her chest. "Please Iz. You've been doing well today don't stop now." She placed her hand on Izzie's shoulder again and this time she sat back up.
Izzie turned her head to look straight at Meredith; her eyes were filling with tears again. "Please Meredith; I just want to go to sleep. This is so hard; you have no idea how hard this is. I am so exhausted; I just need to sleep again."
"I know this is hard for you. What you did today can't have been easy but Izzie I'm not leaving you here by yourself. I want you to come to my house. You can go to sleep as soon as we get there."
"I want to sleep here. I want to sleep in my bed." She pulled Alex's pillow to her face again.
"Okay. But if you're sleeping here I am too." Meredith stood up and walked around the bed. She walked around to Alex's side and sat down. She watched Izzie closely, she was hoping for a reaction and she got one.
"Meredith get off." Izzie said standing up. Her whole body had gone tense and it looked like she was shaking.
-8-8-8-8-8-
Meredith was sitting on Alex's bed; she was sitting where Alex slept. Izzie stood staring at her, her body was shaking, she felt her heart racing, a stroke of fear ran through her.
"Meredith get off." She said again. But Meredith kept sitting there, staring back at her. She didn't want Meredith on his bed; she didn't want her there, not in her room not anymore. "Meredith please."
"Will you come with me to my house?"
This time the question wasn't so much a suggestion as an ultimatum and there was no way she was going to let Meredith sleep there.
"Okay." She agreed.
-8-8-8-8-8-
Izzie lay awake on the bed in Meredith's spear room, her old room. She was trying to fall asleep but she couldn't, she was exhausted but she couldn't stop her mind from racing. She couldn't stop thinking about everything, about what had happened, what was going to happen next. She'd talked a lot today, first to Meredith and then reluctantly to the counsellor. She hadn't told the counsellor much, just enough to make them think she was okay, just enough so they would let her go home and not recommend she stay at the hospital. She hadn't told them about the pills, she'd mentioned that she was having problems sleeping but she hadn't mentioned how she'd been self medicating to treat the problem. They'd given her some other methods to try and sleep, some relaxation techniques, she been trying them, they weren't working.
Downstairs she could hear Meredith talking to someone she assumed was Cristina, she wasn't sure though, the voices were muffled. She couldn't hear the whole conversation just words every now and then. They were talking about her though, she'd heard her name. She didn't like that but she understood. She understood why Meredith needed to talk to someone about what had happened. What she'd done, she knew it wasn't the type of thing that could just be ignored, brushed under the rug, she was glad Meredith had done what she'd done, she was glad she hadn't taken her to the hospital but given the same situation Izzie didn't know if she'd have done the same thing, if she would have even thought to do that.
-8-8-8-8-8-
"Cristina!" Meredith smiled when she opened the front door and saw her friend standing on the other side, a bottle of wine in hand. She wasn't expecting the visit but it was welcome. "What are doing here?"
"I knocked off early; I thought you might need a drink."
"I'm way a head of you there." Meredith took the bottle of wine from Cristina and started walking into the house.
Christina followed her into the kitchen; sitting on the table she noticed the open bottle of wine and the half empty glass on the table. "You've been drinking?"
"I cracked the bottle open a few minutes ago." She reached into the cupboard and pulled out another wine glass. She poured some wine into it and handed it to Cristina. Then she sat down at the table and let out a long slow breath, she closed her eyes and brought her glass to her mouth and took a sip.
"Meredith, are you okay?"
"Yeah," She opened her eyes and smiled at Cristina. "It's just been a rough day. Izzie's been…" Her voice trailed off, she couldn't find the words to describe what it had been like. "I made her clean out Alex's cubby, and I made her talk to the hospital grief counsellor. She didn't want to do it but I made her do it."
"That was good."
Meredith shrugged and they both took a long sip of their drinks.
"I can't stop worrying about her." Meredith began again. "She…she tried to kill herself, and I'm so afraid she's going to try it again. She says she won't, she says she wasn't trying to kill herself, she just wanted to sleep but I don't believe her."
"Mere," Cristina went to say something but she stopped, she didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to handle what was happening, until now she'd been intentionally avoiding it. "You're doing everything you can."
"I'm just worried it's not enough." She picked up her glass and finished what was left of her drink, then reached for the bottle and poured herself another one. She filled Cristina's glass up as well and took a long sip from her own.
"Mere, where is Izzie?" Cristina asked after a while, they seemed to be the only ones in the house but the way Meredith had been talking she didn't think she'd have let her stay at home by herself.
Meredith looked up at the doorway. "Upstairs," she sighed "sleeping." She took another sip and kept shearing her thoughts, "I made her come here with me. She didn't want to, she wanted to sleep in her own bed but I said I'd stay there too, she didn't want that more."
-8-8-8-8-8-
Izzie sat up on the bed and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, she couldn't sleep not without medication and she'd promised Meredith she wouldn't take any, not that Meredith would know if she took any, not if she only took a little, still she wouldn't do that, not yet, it was too early to do that.
She stood up and started walking down stairs. In the kitchen she could hear Meredith and Cristina talking. She stopped on the other side of the doorway and listened.
"What are you going to do tomorrow?" She heard Christina ask.
There was a long pause before she heard Meredith answer. "I was thinking of getting her to come to work with me. I think it might help, it's got to be better than staying here all day."
"That's a good idea. She's not going to want to come though is she?"
"No, she doesn't want to do anything." There was a pause before Meredith kept talking. "Am I asking too much too soon from her? Should I just let her do nothing for a bit longer?"
"I don't know, we're not psychs we don't really know how to handle this. I guess you just have to do what you think is right."
"Nothing feels right, I feel like I keep pushing her forward, when she doesn't need to be pushed. I want to take care of her, I don't want to keep making her do things she doesn't want to do but I can't leave her here on her own. I don't trust her to be okay when I get back."
Izzie gulped, this wasn't a conversation she was meant to be hearing. She didn't know that was how Meredith really felt, she hadn't realised how hard she was making things on her friends. She blinked back a few tears, and told herself she'd try to do better, she'd try to move forward on her own. She sucked in a deep breath to steady herself and stepped into the kitchen.
"Izzie." Cristina said when she stepped into the doorway.
"Hi, Cristina." She tried to smile.
Meredith turned around and smiled at her. "Did you sleep well?"
"I couldn't sleep." She walked all the way into the kitchen and sat down at the table; she reached for the bottle of wine and took a long sip directly from it. She was trying to relax herself; she was going to move forward on her own. She put the bottle down and turned to Meredith. "Are you going down to the hospital tomorrow?" She asked she was going to make it seem like this was her idea, so Meredith wouldn't feel like she was pushing her.
"Probably." Meredith replied, she didn't want to commit herself to anything she didn't want to get stuck.
"Do you think I could come with you? I don't know if I'm ready to work yet but I think I want to try. I need to keep moving forward." Izzie felt herself on the verge of tears, moving forward wasn't easy even when it was 'her' idea.
"We can do that." Meredith smiled at her. "Maybe you can shadow me or something for the first few days, see how you feel."
"Yeah maybe." Izzie smiled at her and then reached for the bottle, she put it to her mouth and began sucking the liquid down. She felt Meredith place a hand on her shoulder.
"This is a good step."
"Yeah, whatever." If Meredith knew exactly what was going though her head she might not be saying that. She wasn't feeling any better she was just merely trying to cope.