Izzie sat herself down in the passenger seat of Meredith's car and took a deep breath. She could feel a panic attack coming and she was trying to stop it. She kept telling herself this was her idea, she was the one who suggested she go to work, but she never would have suggested it if she hadn't heard Meredith talking to Cristina about it. It wasn't really her idea, she didn't really want to do it, but she had to now. She had to get back to the hospital, she needed to go to the hospital.
"Izzie are you okay?" Meredith had slipped into the drivers seat and immediately noticed the anxiety written all over her face.
"Yeah." It was the only response she could form, any more words and she probably would have cracked. "Can we just go?"
Like a bandaid she thought, just rip it off, just do it, maybe once she was there it would be better. Maybe the anticipation hurt more than the actual act. Or maybe she was just kidding herself, maybe this was all just some big front, and soon the wall around her would crumble and she would break down.
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This is Izzie's idea. Meredith told herself as she backed her car out the driveway. In the passenger seat beside her, Izzie sat looking absolutely terrified. She was breathing heavily and her skin was pale. This is Izzie's idea. If it had been her idea she probably would have stopped, called it off, done it tomorrow but it wasn't her idea it was Izzie's. She'd asked her twice already if she was ready for this, if she wanted to wait a few more days, but she kept saying she was ready, she was fine, she wanted to go. She didn't look any of those things though and as Meredith pulled the car into the hospital car park she had to ask one more time.
"Izzie are you okay? Are you sure you want to do this?"
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"I'm okay."
That was the biggest lie she'd told all day, she wasn't okay, and she didn't want to do this but she didn't have a choice. She needed to go back to work not only so she could keep moving forward, which was the whole reason she suggested the idea in the first place but because she needed to acquire something. Meredith thought she was doing her a favour by flushing the pills down the toilet but it had only made her anxiety worse, she liked knowing she had them there and now they were gone.
"Izzie are you sure? We can still go home, maybe wait a few more days."
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When Izzie had suggested the night before that they go down to the hospital Meredith had thought it was a great idea, it was a good step in Izzie's recovery but now she wasn't so sure. Working at the hospital and going there were two completely different things and Izzie's didn't look like she was ready to work. She looked like she was ready to pass out; she looked like she should be a patient not a treating doctor.
"I have to do this Mere."
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Izzie stepped out of the car and began walking towards the hospital entrance. Behind her she could here Meredith climb out her side of the car and run after her. She didn't slow down to wait for her she kept walking.
Under her breath she kept whispering, "don't slow down, just keep walking, just do it, you can do this." It was her way of trying to calm herself, make her feel less scared than she obviously was. She felt Meredith come up beside her, she reached out and took her hand, she squeezed it tight and walked into the hospital.
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Meredith held tightly onto Izzie's hand as they stepped inside the hospital. She was expecting her to pause but she didn't, she made a beeline straight for the residence lounge and it wasn't until they were inside the room that she stopped moving.
Izzie let go of her hand and stood in the centre of the room. She took two deep breaths and then ran to the toilet. She heard her vomit, once, twice, then she ran after her.
"Izzie," She soothed, crouching down behind her and pulling her hair from her face.
"I'm okay." The two words came out of her mouth for the umpteenth time that day. She stood up and walked over to one of the benches, sat down and took another deep breath. "It's just the smell of this place, it keeps getting to me, making me feel ill."
"I see." The answer wasn't totally unexpected, to the unsuspecting person the smell could be over powering. "Are you ready?"
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Izzie took a deep breath before answering the question, she wanted to make it seem like she was really answering the question and not just sprouting answers, saying what Meredith wanted to hear. She wasn't ready but that didn't really mean anything anymore, she had no choice but to be ready, to push through, keep moving.
"I'm ready." She answered, the words shook a little in her mouth but they came across convincingly enough.