Thanks you everyone who is reading the story and leaving comments. I'm trying to move the story along a little faster at the moment so there's a little bit of time jumping during this part.
All afternoon Izzie stuck to Meredith's side, everywhere she went she could feel her presence she could feel her energy, or lack of, she could feel her struggling to hold herself together.
She wouldn't say it out loud but it reminded her of when Denny had died only this was ten times worse. This time Izzie wasn't shadowing her because she was told to, because she was forced to, she was shadowing her because she 'had' to. She wasn't capable of doing anything else, she couldn't do anything else but she couldn't stay home, at home she was slowly killing herself.
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Shadowing, that's what Izzie did. All afternoon she stuck to Meredith's side. It wasn't something she wanted to do, she still wanted to go back to sleep but she knew that wasn't an option. Shadowing was easier than the alternatives. As a shadow she didn't have to talk, she didn't have to interact with any of the patients. She found if she kept her mouth shut the tears didn't come. It was hard though and by the time the first day ended she was mentally and physically exhausted.
"Are you ready to go home?" She heard Meredith ask her.
Ready? She was beginning to hate that word. She was always being asked if she was ready. "Stop asked me if I'm ready." The reply came out of her mouth short and sharp. She hadn't meant to do it, she hadn't meant to snap at Meredith but she was tired and she'd been ready to go home for hours. "I'm sorry." She apologized. "I'm just really tired. I've been ready to go home for hours."
"Why didn't you say something?" Meredith looked at her with concern.
She turned away and picked up her bag. "You had patients to look after."
"I could have given them to someone else."
"No you couldn't, they were your patients, your responsibility." She wouldn't look at Meredith, she didn't want to see the look on her face. "Please can we just go."
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She sat quietly in the car as Meredith drove her home, Meredith's home, not her home, Meredith didn't trust her enough to leave her at her home. She walked in the front door and went straight up the stairs. She heard Meredith ask her if she was hungry, she paused long enough to say no and kept walking.
She walked into 'her' bedroom and closed the door. She sat on the edge of the bed, closed her eyes. She was so tired. She began changing into some pyjamas and crawled into bed. She closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep. The minutes ticked by very slowly. She was exhausted but like always she couldn't sleep and after an hour she reached again for the sleeping pills.
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Meredith watched Izzie walk up the stairs but she didn't follow her. She wasn't going to do that tonight, she wasn't going to nurse her tonight, she didn't need it. Working had been hard on Izzie, she knew that, sleep would be a good thing for her, and some time apart would be good for both of them, tomorrow they were going to have to get up and do it all over again.
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Waiting for Izzie to come back was difficult for everyone. She was in counselling, it seemed to help a little but they often wondered if she would ever truly come back. They didn't tell that to her though, when they talked to her they were encouraging, when she asked if it would ever stop hurting they told her with time it would get easier. When they were alone though, when it was just Meredith with Christina or George, and even Derek, the conversation sounded very different. They were worried, scared and without answers, they didn't know if what they were doing was right, if it was helping or if they would ever get their friend back.
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Every day for the next two weeks Meredith led Izzie through almost the same routine. In the morning they would drive to the hospital, change into their scrubs and go to work. Most days Izzie would shadow her but some days, when she had a big case or a long surgery she would shadow someone else. It was easier that way, Izzie wasn't allowed in the OR, she couldn't operate with a bad arm, and she wasn't mentally ready for that responsibility, all she would do in there was take up much needed space. She wouldn't work on her own though, she said she wasn't ready and she was probably right; she couldn't get through an entire shift without crying. The crying was random and unpredictable, there didn't seem to be a specific thing that would set her off but whenever it started she would always run off and hide, leaving whoever she was shadowing to try and explain to their patient, just because their doctor had run off crying it didn't mean they were dying.
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Izzie sat down on a stool in the pit and carefully began suturing a cut on her patient's leg. Today was exactly four weeks since Alex had died. She was trying not to think about that, she didn't want to cry, not when she was by herself, Meredith had left her alone while she'd gone to check on a patient, that was thirty minutes ago though. The only good thing was her patient was sedated; he wouldn't try to talk to her.
She concentrated on her work and kept her head down but she could feel the energy around her changing. The air started to become electric which only happened when there was a big trauma coming in.
"Get every available OB down here now." She heard someone yell. "A car has crashed into a Lamaze class."
Izzie put her head down and kept working but she could feel her heart rate increasing, adrenalin was starting to pump through her body, this was her area, her expertise, this type of thing used to excite her. She tried to push those feelings inside of her, she wasn't ready, she couldn't help.
"Stevens! Get over here now!"
She heard someone call out her name, she turned around and saw Dr Montgomery standing in the trauma bay at the other end of the room with two heavily pregnant women.
"Stevens now!"
She stood up and ran to the other end of the room. She was scared but her brain was working very hard to make her forget that. She reached the patients and listened as Dr Montgomery told her what was happening, both women were in pre-term labour and her job was simple, stop the contractions, stop the labour, and in case it came down to it prepare the babies for birth.
She didn't stop to allow what she was doing to process fully. She just worked, she did what she'd been trained to do and after an hour both women and babies were stable. She sat down in a chair and took a deep breath, her heart was still racing but she felt the best she'd felt since Alex died.
"You did good today Stevens."
She looked up and saw Dr Montgomery sitting down beside her.
"I've missed you on my service. Do you think you're ready to come back? I have a lot more to teach you."
She rested her head in her hands and thought about what Dr Montgomery was asking her. She thought about the way she felt right at that moment. "Okay." She said, realizing this was what she really needed. "What would you like me to do?"