Looking after those two women was the shove Izzie needed to get back to truly working. It made her realize what could make her feel good or at least better and it made her realize she still had it in her. She found she enjoyed the work and if she worked hard enough she could forget about everything else. Well not forget, she would never forget but she could push it down far enough to forget how much she was hurting.
She worked with Montgomery for two weeks before she was given her first bad case. She was responsible for running the treatment on a preemie who was too small and too damaged to be saved. She worked on him for hours, she did everything she could but there wasn't anything that would save him. It was horrible, she held herself together while she told the parents but she fell apart when she was on her own.
Montgomery came and picked her up. She told her she'd done everything right and nothing she could have done would have changed the outcome. She already knew that though, that wasn't why she was crying. She was crying because the pain on the parents faces reminded her too much of the pain she was burying. That was a bad day but she was having a lot more good days between the bad.
The more she worked the better she felt, the challenging cases gave her an adrenalin rush and the easier cases boosted her confidence. She fell in love with medicine all over again and she worked as hard and as long as she could.
She rarely left the hospital, instead she'd rest in the on-call rooms and residence lounges. She never slept, no matter how tired she was as soon as her head hit the bed she was wide wake, when that happened she would just lay there and wait for her pager to go off. It always did, there was always some emergency or patient that needed to be attended to and then the adrenalin would kick in.
She only left when she was forced to, when someone would realize it had been two or three days since she'd left and tell her superiors. It was always Dr Montgomery who would tell her to go home, she'd tell her to leave and not come back for at least eight hours. The first time that happened she tried to tell her she was fine, that she didn't need to go home. Her pager number got black listed and after three hours of laying down staring at the ceiling she'd reluctantly left.
Now when she was told to leave she'd just leave. She'd catch a taxi back to her home and let fatigue over run her during the ride. She'd be so close to sleep when she reached home, she'd beeline for the bedroom, and crawl into bed. Before she'd lay down though she'd reach for the sleeping pills, in the past few weeks she'd acquired several bottles of them, she had them hidden all over the house, she needed them there, she needed to make sure she slept and didn't lay awake for hours. She didn't want to lay awake for hours at home. When she did that her mind started playing games with her, if she let it go too far she'd end up in a ball of tears, she'd cry until her whole body ached, and she was trying to stop that. She didn't want to cry anymore, she'd somehow got it into her head that Alex wouldn't want her to keep crying. In that situation it was much easier to give herself a drug induced sleep, at least then she would sleep. But she didn't like sleeping so much anymore, she hadn't stopped dreaming about Alex but he was no longer in her dreams, instead she found herself searching endlessly for him.
-8-8-8-8-
"Stevens you need to leave." The words came out of Montgomery's mouth with a gentle understanding but a tone that meant she was serious. "You're tired and mistakes can happen when you're tired."
She wanted to argue with her, tell her she was fine but she knew she wasn't really; she was too tired to argue. "Okay," she simply said walking away.
-8-8-8-8-
Meredith sat down in the residence lounge and waited for Izzie. She knew she was coming, she'd just over heard Montgomery telling her to go home. It had been a couple of weeks since she'd had a good conversation with her. Since Izzie had gotten back into the swing of things at work she'd all but blocked everything else out, she was always running off somewhere and the words they'd spoken to each other were few and far between. It was a good thing, over working was probably slightly better than constant sleeping but it still wasn't great, the balance still wasn't right.
The doors to the room pushed open and Izzie came walking inside. She didn't seem to see Meredith; she just went straight to her cubby and started pulling things out.
-8-8-8-8-
"Izzie."' The sound of her name made her jump she hadn't realised anyone else was in the room. She turned around and saw Meredith sitting in a chair behind her. "Are you going home?"
"Yeah" she sighed closing her bag and slipping it over her shoulder.
"Do you want to have a drink with us at Joe's?"
Joe's? The last time she'd been there was with Alex, they'd had drinks and played darts there a few days before the wedding. It had been a fun night, she always had fun at Joe's but she hadn't wanted to go there since. It didn't seem right going there without Alex.
"George and Christina are already over there. I'd really like you to come too."
-8-8-8-8-
Meredith watched Izzie fidget uncomfortably on the spot. She could see there was a part of her that wanted to go and anther part that was too scared or too uncomfortable to go.
"You don't have to stay long." She suggested trying to give her that extra push she needed. "Just come over for a bit." She stood up and walked over her, she placed a hand on her shoulder. "Please." She smiled and waited for Izzie cave.
"Okay, just for a little bit."
-8-8-8-8-
Izzie tried to pull her coat tighter around her body as she followed Meredith across the road to Joe's. She wasn't cold, it was a warm evening but she needed to feel something tight around her. She didn't really want to go to Joe's, now that she wasn't working she was starting to feel very tired. But she could tell Meredith wanted her to go and another part of her thought she might enjoy herself.
Meredith pushed the door open in front of her and she immediately smelt the familiar sent of stale alcohol. She wasn't expecting it to affect her but the smell; just like that of the hospital when she first went back made her stomach turn. Meredith looked back at her and smiled. She tired to smile back but she couldn't.
"Izzie are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm –" She was going to say fine but she wasn't fine. Instead she placed a hand over her mouth and started running to the restroom.
She pushed open the first door and slammed into the stall. She lent over the toilet and started vomiting.
"Izzie are you okay?" She heard Meredith ask from somewhere behind her.
"Yeah, I'm okay." She said wiping her mouth with a piece of paper. "I think I ate something bad for lunch."
"Oh, okay," Meredith seemed to take her answer for what it was and held out a hand to help her up. She climbed to her feet and walked over to the basin. She rested her hands on either side of it and looked at herself in the mirror. She had dark rings circling her eyes but she looked okay. "Come on," she heard Meredith say to her, "You don't want to stay in here all night."
She took one last look at herself and slowly let go of the basin. She began walking out the restroom and heard the shuffle of Meredith's feet behind her.
"I'm glad you came tonight." She heard Meredith say from just behind her. "Joe said he'd shout us a round of drinks if I got you to come."
"Really?" She almost wanted to laugh. "Is that why you…" The words trailed off in her mouth as she planted her hand hard against the wall. She was starting to feel sick again and very dizzy.
"Mere I –" She started saying but she never finished the sentence instead her legs gave way beneath her and she fainted.
-8-8-8-8-
"Izzie? Oh shit!" Meredith reacted just in time to catch her before she hit the ground. She held her in her arms and tried to work out what she was supposed to do next, she didn't really want to lay her down on the floor of the bar.
"Meredith what's going on?" Cristina had heard her cry from the bar and wondered over to see what had happened.
"Cristina thank you." Meredith exclaimed looking up at her. "She's fainted; help me get her over to one of the booths."
Together they helped Izzie over to the closest booth. She was already starting to come to and seemed rather disorientated. They sat her down on the seat and had her lean forward with her head in her hands.
"Izzie," Meredith said resting her hand firmly on her shoulder to stop her falling forward. "You've just fainted. How are you feeling?"
-8-8-8-8-
"Like I just fainted." She said looking up for a moment. The small movement was all it took for her head to start spinning again. She moaned and rested her head back in her hands.
"Here Izzie take these." She heard someone say and a chocolate bar and a glass of lemonade were pushed into her hands. She took the bar and bit into it, it quickly started making her feel better. "Thanks," she said looking up again. Joe and George were now standing in front of her.
"No problem." Joe smiled at her and let out a little chuckle. "When I asked Meredith to get you down here tonight this wasn't quite what I had in mind."
"I'm sorry."
"No need to be sorry. Just go home and get some rest, come back when you're feeling better."
"Thanks." She let out a small smile and slipped the rest of the chocolate bar into her mouth.
-8-8-8-8-
Meredith watched as the colour slowly returned to Izzie's face. She seemed okay now but she couldn't help being a little concerned. She'd heard people saying things around the hospital which she'd thought weren't true but now she wasn't so sure.
"Izzie, was this the first time today you've been sick?" She asked.
"No" Izzie replied looking up at her. "I was sick this morning."
"What about this week. Have you been sick other days this week?"
-8-8-8-8-
"Yes," She looked Meredith in the eye and watched her face. She seemed to be turning something over inside her head, trying to process something. She didn't like the look of it. "I think I might be developing an intolerance to something." She said offering her own explanation for her inability to keep anything down. "I feel fine, I'm just vomiting a bit."
"A bit?" Meredith looked at her like she was crazy. "You've been vomiting so much you fainted."
"I'm okay now though really." She didn't like the way this conversation was going. This was meant to be a fun evening but she was wishing now she'd just gone home. If she'd gone home she'd be asleep now dreaming of empty spaces and searching endlessly for Alex. As much as she hated those dreams this was making her feel very uncomfortable.
"I don't think you are." Meredith said to her. "Come back to the hospital with me and let me run a blood test."
"I don't need a blood test. I feel fine." She didn't want to go back to the hospital now. "I just want to go home."
"I'll take you home after I promise. Just let me run one test." Meredith knelt down on the ground beside her and gave her a sad smiled.
"It's probably a good idea Iz," George spoke to her for the first time that evening. "I'm sure everything is fine but it's better to be sure."
"Okay." She didn't want to go but it would be easier than arguing with them, she still needed one of them to drive her home at the end of the night.
-8-8-8-8-
Meredith and George walked Izzie across the road to the hospital. Cristina had opted to stay at the bar, she was on Izzie's side for once and agreed what ever test Meredith wanted to run was unnecessary. Izzie seemed to be okay now, the colour had returned to her face and she was moving easily.
"You really don't need to do this." she told them both as they walked into one of the lounges. "I'm really okay now."
"I don't care, I'm still doing this." Meredith waited for her to sit down in one of the arm chairs and pull her sleave up.
It didn't take long for her to draw the blood, "I'll be back soon." She told her as she slipped the blood sample into a bag and walked out of the room. Izzie sat there for a moment and watched the door close. George was still in the room with her, he smiled at her but he looked a little uncomfortable.
"Why don't you go with her?" She suggested "Try and find out what she's up to. I'm going to try and get some sleep." She closed her eyes and waited for the sound of the door opening and closing.
-8-8-8-8-
Meredith was just hopping onto the elevator when George caught up to her.
"Meredith what are you testing her for?"
She handed him the request form without actually saying what the test was. He looked at what she'd filled out and gulped. "Are you serious Meredith? You think she might –"
"I don't know. But I had a dream about it the other night and now I can't get it out of my head."
"Izzie doesn't know you're doing this dose she?"
"No and I want to keep it that way. I don't want her to get the idea in her head until we know that is what's going on."
The explanation seemed to make sense. They were all acutely aware of how fragile Izzie still was. She was doing a lot better but something like this could really mess with her. It was better for her to be kept in the dark until there was something to tell.
They reached the labs and handed the specimen to the technician. They told him they needed a rush on the results and they were going to wait there for them. The test didn't take long for them to do and about half an hour later they were handed the results.
Meredith looked at them first and gulped. What she had been suspecting was true. She handed the results to George and waited for his reaction. He swore quietly under his breath and handed the results back.
-8-8-8-8-
Izzie lay back in the recliner with her eyes closed. She wasn't sleeping she was miming surgeries. It had been eight weeks since she'd set foot in an OR and she was itching to get back. One more week she'd been told by her doctor last time she was there, that one week was almost up and she was trying to see if she still remembered how to do everything.
She heard the door open and she sat up. Meredith and George were back. "Did you find anything?" she asked before they even had a chance to sit down. She was expecting them to say no, she didn't think there was anything to find but they didn't say anything. Instead they sat down on the coffee table in front of her.
"Izzie," Meredith began. "We found something. You're pregnant."