"What," The single word was all Izzie could form. She'd heard Meredith but she couldn't believe her, it couldn't be true, she couldn't be pregnant. Slowly she reached for the sheet of paper Meredith held, she pulled it from her hands and started at the results. There was no mistaking what they said, her HCG levels were up, she was pregnant.

"Oh my god" she whispered under her breath. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel. A flood of emotions were running through her body, she thought she was meant to be excited and somewhere a part of her was, a part of Alex was still alive inside of her but all she felt was ill. "Oh my god." She whispered again and then for the second time that evening she was running to the toilet to vomit.

"Izzie," She heard Meredith say from behind her. "It's going to be okay."

"No." She stood up and walked over to the door. They had no idea what was going though her head. "Please take me home."

"Izzie –"

"No Meredith please just take me home."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie was freaking out, Meredith could see it in her eyes she looked scared and sick. On the drive back to her home she didn't talk, she stared out the window and seemed to be shaking a little.

"Izzie are you okay?"

-8-8-8-8-8-

She heard the question but she didn't answer it. She was trying to turn everything over in her head, work out what she was supposed to do, how she was supposed to feel. She thought she was supposed to be happy but she wasn't happy, she was terrified. She couldn't get out of her head everything she'd been doing for the last eight weeks, all the pills she'd been taking, all the hours she'd been working. She'd been doing it to make her forget, forget how much she missed Alex, wanted Alex, when all that time she'd had a part of him inside of her. He'd been with her all this time and she'd been slowly killing him all over again.

When Meredith pulled the car into the driveway she waited only long enough for the car to stop moving before she stepped out. She went straight through her front door and into the house. She still wasn't sure what to do but there was one thing she knew she had to do. She went first to her bedroom and pulled the bottles of pills from her bottom and top draws, then she went to the kitchen and pulled the bottle out from there, she picked up her hand bag and pulled the bottle out from there and lastly she went to the bathroom and pulled out the two bottles she'd hidden there.

She walked to the toilet and started pulling the lids off the bottles. One by one she tipped the contents into the bowl.

"Izzie what are you doing?" Meredith had followed her into the house and now stood in the doorway watching her.

"I have to get rid of them," She said emptying another bottle. "I can't keep taking them."

"Izzie," Meredith stepped into the room and grabbed hold of her hand. "I thought you'd stopped taking them."

"I lied," She pulled her hand free and emptied another bottle. "I never stop. I've been taking them every night."

-8-8-8-8-8-

"Izzie," Meredith grabbed hold of Izzie's hand as she pulled the lid off the last bottle. "Stop."

She held tightly on to her hand and carefully pulled the last bottle from her. "You've been taking these every night?" She looked closely at the bottle and read its label. She was beginning to understand why Izzie was freaking out.

"I couldn't sleep." She whispered. "Every time I closed my eyes, every time I tried to sleep, I…I just couldn't. I, I needed to sleep and they were the only way." She blinked her eyes and tears started running down her face. "I wanted him so much. I want to be with him and now, now look what I've done. I had a part of him with me and now…" The rest of her words got lost in the sobs she began crying.

"You don't know that Iz," Meredith placed the bottle she held on the side of the basin and wrapped her arms around Izzie's side. "Everything could be fine."

"No, it's not." She reached for the bottle Meredith had set down and tipped it into the toilet. "Nothing is fine. Nothing about this is fine." She reached for the toilet and flushed the contents away. "I'm not supposed to be having a baby; I'm not supposed to be pregnant. If I'd known, if I'd thought. I wouldn't have done this; I wouldn't have been doing this. I would have been…" The words trailed from her mouth, she didn't know what else she would have done, the pills had been her way of surviving. "I've been killing him; I've been killing him all over again."

She started crying harder and Meredith pulled her closer. She tried to comfort her, but she was inconsolable. "Izzie, you don't know what has happened yet. Nothing might have happened." She helped her over to the bed and sat her down. "We can't do anything about it tonight. Tonight you just need to try and get some rest and tomorrow we'll work it out. We'll get an ultrasound, and run some more blood tests. "

"I've been killing him." She started whispering under her breath, "I've been killing him."

Meredith didn't know what to say. Nothing she'd been saying was getting through to her. Instead she lay her down on the bed and started taking off her shoes. She got her to crawl under the covers and close her eyes. "We're going to work this out; it's going to be okay." She started whispering to her over and over as she waited for her to fall asleep.

-8-8-8-8-8-

"It's going to be okay." The words came out of Meredith's mouth as a calming rhythmic sound. Izzie closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep. She tried to let them sooth her but it wasn't going to happen. She hadn't been able to fall asleep for months, tonight wasn't going to be any different. Her mind was still racing, turning everything she knew over in her head. She desperately wanted to believe Meredith's words, she wanted it to be okay but she was so afraid it wasn't. The pills she'd been taking weren't a known teratogen, there was no literature which said they would cause harm to a fetus, just a lot which said they could cause harm. She would never let any of her patients take them, she would never tell any of her patients to do half the stuff she'd been doing.

"Are you going to be okay here tonight?" The question came out of Meredith's mouth as she started to stand up to leave.

She opened her eyes a little and whispered back. "I'll be okay. It's not like I can take anything."

Meredith gave her a sad smile. "If you want me to stay I can."

"No." She didn't want Meredith staying, she hadn't let anyone stay at the house with her. "I'll be okay tonight."

"Okay," Meredith bent down and kissed the side of her face. "I'll be back in the morning to pick you up. We'll work everything out then."

Izzie listened to the sound of Meredith's feet walk down the hallway and the sound of the front door opening and closing. She pulled the covers tightly around her, and tried to fall asleep. She wanted to fall asleep, she didn't want to lay wake in bed all night but sleep was impossible to find. Her mind kept racing and soon she started crying again. She cried until it hurt, until she couldn't stand it anymore. She climbed out of bed and walked to the bathroom; she knelt down on her knees and began searching the ground for spilt pills. There were none, they were all gone and in the moments frustration she threw the empty bottles across the room and screamed. She hated the way she was feeling, she hated that she still wanted to take pills when she knew she shouldn't, and she hated the fact she couldn't sleep, she couldn't make it stop. She sat down on the floor and started crying again. She didn't want this she didn't want this happening. She'd been doing well at trying to forget but she was never going to forget. She began running her fingers along the scars on her arm, they'd healed now but they would always be there, a constant reminder of when everything she loved was taken away from her. After what seemed like forever she got up, if she was going to be awake all night she should do something productive. She made her way into the kitchen and began searching for her backing supplies.