She hadn't baked in a long time; she hadn't made anything in a long time. It used to make her happy but she'd been too depressed and too busy to even try. It took a bit of searching but she finally found the flour and sugar, she found a carton of long life milk, but only six eggs and they were very old. She sighed and filled a jug with some water. One by one she placed the eggs into the water, four of them seemed to be okay, two of them were off.
She had enough ingredients to make two of something, so much for a whole night of baking she thought. Slowly she began mixing the ingredients for chocolate chip muffins. She added the wet and dry ingredients together and began stirring. As the mixture combined she felt herself beginning to clam down. She didn't feel any better, the thought of what she might have done still made her feel sick to her stomach, but she was becoming clam. Like Meredith had told her she couldn't do anything about it tonight and stressing out would only make things worse.
It took her less than an hour to mix the two batches of chocolate chip muffins, years of practice had her doing it almost as she slept. She slipped the trays in to cook and she wondered what she was supposed to do now. She couldn't sleep and she didn't want to lay awake in bed. She could clean, she hadn't cleaned the house since Alex had died, or open the mail, she hadn't done that either. She hadn't been able to bring herself to tear open the letters addressed to him. She walked to the front door and scooped the pile of letters from the ground. There was a lot of mail there, a lot of sympathy cards and bills. She placed the sympathy cards to one side, she didn't want to read them and she began opening the bills. There wasn't that many of them, the pile was so huge because there were three or four different letters for the same bill. First reminders, second reminders, final notices, she was less than a week away from getting her electricity and phone lines cut. She tried to make a mental note to pay the bills in the morning but a part of her didn't really care, the darkness could be nice and she never answered the phone. Every time the phone rang she would let the answering machine pick it up. She liked hearing the sound of Alex's voice and there was only one person who phoned anyway, the wedding photographer wanting them to make an appointment to look at their proofs.
She threw the bills into the bin and looked at the pile of sympathy cards. She started going through them, she didn't open them but she looked at the return addresses. She was looking for names she knew, but she didn't recognize any of them. After a moment she threw them into the bin too. She didn't need to read about how sorry all these people were for her loss. It wouldn't make her feel better, it wouldn't help her sleep. The mail was all gone and the only thing left to do was clean.
She started with the fridge, it was almost empty from the clean George had done seven weeks earlier. Now anything he'd left in there was also spoiled. Holding a garbage bag in her hand she began throwing everything out. Then she pulled the selves out and began scrubbing each and everyone. She cleaned the benches and the cupboards and then inside the cupboards. Her kitchen was spotless and then she made her way to the bathroom.
She cleaned every single surface until it looked like it was new. Her bathroom sparkled and she was starting to feel tired but her mind still hadn't stopped racing. Even as she'd cleaned she hadn't stopped thinking about everything. She wouldn't let herself be happy about it, she didn't want to get happy about something that could so easily be taken away from her, that might already be taken away from her. She'd learnt the hard way that to expect good things to last was like setting yourself up for heartache.
She started walking back to the kitchen, the muffins had been sitting on the bench cooling and she thought the chocolate might make her feel better, she always liked chocolate. She bit into the muffin, it was still warm and the taste just seemed to melt in her mouth. She ate one and then she ate another, she would have gone for a third but she was already starting to feel sick. She started stacking the muffins in a basket, she was running out of things to do, things to keep her busy. The bag of trash still sat in the middle of the floor. She picked it up and started carrying it out. She placed it in the bin at the front and walked back inside. As she walked back through the front door the one room she hadn't cleaned caught her eye, their front room.
She hadn't been inside their front room, the door to it had been shut since the first time she'd come home. Meredith had shut it she'd assumed, she'd shut it so she wouldn't have to look at it, look at what was in there. She knew what was in there though, and there had been times when she had almost gone in there. There had been times when she had paused at the door on her way in and out of the house, times when she had reached for the door handle but then kept moving. Tonight though she didn't have anywhere to move, there was no where for her to go and nothing else for her to do. So she found herself reaching for the door handle and twisting it.
As she stepped into the room and reached for the light switch she took a deep breath, it was as if she was trying to brace herself. The lights flickered on and she let out a small gasp, it was more than she was expecting. In the centre of the room sat a large sofa with a giant bow on top, in front of that sat a big screen television, and surrounding that were dozens and dozens of boxes wrapped in silver and white paper. The boxes were stacked halfway up the walls and covered almost all the floor space.
"Wow" she whispered under her breath and she stepped further into the room.
She ran her fingers across the top of the nearest box, a thin layer of dust was starting to settle on it. She wiped the dust off her fingers and began turning around in circles, she didn't know where to begin, what she should do first.
"Alex," She whispered. "I'm opening the presents now. If you want to help you need to come here."
She stood very still and listened, outside she heard the wind pick up and blow against the house. Then the door to the room slammed shut.
"Alex?" She whispered, and a chill ran through her body. "Okay."
She wasn't sure why she was doing it, why she was trying to 'talk' to Alex, it wasn't something she did often, just when she thought…she wanted to see if he was there. She didn't expect him to be, but just in case. They were meant to do this together.
She picked up the closest box and began twisting it in her hands. The contents shifted inside making a quiet clunking noise. "Okay," She thought to herself, "one at a time." She slipped her fingers under the paper and ripped it off.
The present was a toaster, a cheap toaster, she let a small smile cross her face and she shook her head. She reached for the card and read the name, she didn't recognize it, probably someone Alex knew.
"That'd be right." She whispered to herself. "Your friends give us the cheap presents."
She placed the toaster on the ground and opened the next present. One by one she slowly made her way through the room. With each present she opened she tucked the card inside, at first she'd started reading them but everyone's well wishes, their congratulations, and the hope for the future made her want to cry. Things were so different now, unimaginably different and she couldn't afford to think about what might have been, should have been now. It seemed to take hours for her to open everything, there were so many presents. She had almost every kitchen appliance imaginable, toasters, blenders, coffee makers, an ice-cream maker, donut maker, snow cone maker, popcorn maker, bread maker, waffle maker, sandwich maker, pie maker, stab mixer, and a George Forman grill. Someone had given them some beautiful bed linen, and Alex's aunt had made them the most exquisite quilt.
She pulled the quilt around her body and lay down on the sofa. There was one thing in the room she hadn't looked at yet. Beside the television sat a video camera and DVD player. Someone had plugged it all in and left a post-it with a smiley face stuck on top. She reached for the remote and turned on the TV, she flicked it to AV and turned on the DVD player. The screen flicked and an image of Alex appeared. He was standing in their bedroom trying to pin his buttonhole on.
"Alex what are you doing?" the camera man called out.
He turned to face the camera and started laughing. For a few seconds he was looking straight at her. "Put that away and help me with this flower." She heard him say and then the screen went black.
A few seconds later the picture returned, now they were in the church. The camera was focused on Alex who was rocking back on the balls of his feet. The camera stayed on him until the music started playing, then slowly is started panning around. Meredith and Cristina were walking down the aisle; the camera followed them to the front of the church and then zoomed in on Alex. She watched his face for the moment when she would step into the church. The moment was easy to spot, he was already smiling but the moment she walked in his smile seemed to grow and his whole face lit up. He looked so happy and when the camera panned back around to her, she looked just as happy.
"Alex," She whispered to herself. "We were so happy, we could have been so happy."
She blinked her eyes and felt the tears start to fall. She thought she should turn the movie off but she couldn't take her eyes away from the screen. She watched the ceremony and then footage of the reception. The smiles never left either of their faces; it was beautiful, so beautiful. It gave her a warm feeling inside but at the same time it hurt so much, she wanted more of that, she wanted to be back in that moment. When the movie finished she played it again, and again, and at some point she fell asleep.
-8-8-8-8-8-
"Alex!" Izzie stood alone in a very dark space, the same space she always stood in when she dreamed but this time it felt different, she didn't fell so alone. "Alex!"
She started running, she was trying to get away from the darkness, she was trying to get to Alex. He was here she could feel it. "Alex!" She had to get to him, she had to find him, he had to know she was sorry, that she didn't know.
"Alex!" She kept screaming his name, waiting for him, hoping he would come. And then she heard it, his voice, he was laughing at her. She spun around and as she turned everything changed. The darkness disappeared and she was on a beach. She was laying in the sand wearing only a bikini and someone was walking along the beach toward her.
"Alex," She whispered, watching the figure slowly come towards her. She wanted to get up, she wanted to run toward him but something was holding her back. She was afraid to move closer, afraid if she did the figure would disappear, afraid it wasn't Alex.
She lay down and watched the figure come towards her, with every step their image became clearer and soon she was sure it was Alex. She didn't get up though, she lay there watching him, waiting for him and then he was beside her.
He was laying on the beach beside her, his body pressed up hard against hers, his fingers running rings around her navel. He was there, he was with her, he was holding her.
"Alex," his name came off her tongue in soft whisper. "Where were you?"
He moved closer to her and brushed his lips across hers. "I was here. I've always been here." He whispered. "It was you who was lost."
Lost? She didn't understand him. She wanted to ask him more but she felt him pulling away. "Don't go!" She cried reaching for him.
He smiled at her and rested his head against her stomach. "I'm not going anywhere. I want you to be okay. I'm going to make sure you're okay."
"But Alex," Even in her dream the words caught on her tongue. "I'm pregnant."
"I know." He smiled at her and he slowly began making a trail of kisses up her body.
She looked at him, confused. She wanted him to explain, tell her more, tell her how he knew, tell her what else he knew but he didn't say another word. Instead he pulled her to him as tightly as he could and he gave her the deepest kiss she'd ever felt.