Chapter Thirty One

It was difficult to say goodbye to his kids again. He felt like he was constantly saying goodbye to them. He remembered a time when he would see their smiling faces everyday and somehow things would look brighter, no matter how bad they were.

His dad tried to compensate for their loss by being over familiar with him. Organising film nights in front of the telly, taking him out for meals. Ste knew he meant well and he didn't want to hurt his feelings so for the most part he indulged him.

Brendan, in contrast, became distant. Something was on his mind that Ste couldn't work out and it was frustrating to the extreme because he thought by now he had everything about Brendan figured out. He didn't confront him for a while; convinced he was simply being paranoid or Brendan would reveal the reasoning for his sullen mood if he gave him space and time.

Eventually however it became unbearable. Sam had organised yet another father-son bonding evening and instead of ignoring it as usual, Brendan had snapped at him.

"Again, Steven? Will he ever let ye off the leash?"

"What are you on about?" Ste was sat in the middle of their bed, legs drawn up to his chest.

"I'm sorry." Brendan rubbed his temple in agitation. "I shouldn't have said that."

"No, tell me what you really think." Ste pressed, crawling across the bed to get closer to Brendan, who was standing at the edge. "You've been dead weird for ages."

"Weird?" Brendan laughed hollowly. "Aren't I always weird, Steven?"

"No. Not anymore." Ste said, frowning. "Just talk to me. You've been like this since the kids left."

Brendan glanced off to the side, unable to meet his eyes. "I thought I could rise above it." He said so quietly Ste almost didn't hear him.

"Rise above what?" Ste asked, moving closer. "Sit down."

"No." Brendan began to pace, agitated.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me what it is." Ste said firmly.

Brendan paused, squaring his shoulders. "I've just had a lot to think about lately."

"Like what?"

Brendan stared at him helplessly. "It's not time yet."

"What kind of answer is that?" Ste jumped off the bed, making Brendan flinch.

"Just… trust me."

"How can I if you won't be honest with me? I thought we were past all this, Bren."

"We are."

"Then talk to me!" Ste grabbed his hands, holding on for dear life. "Please."

"Don't." Brendan pulled his hands away. "Don't say please. Ye shouldn't ever have to beg me for anything."

"Not even…" Ste trailed off, quirking his eyebrow. He was trying to draw Brendan back to him and for a moment it worked. Brendan smiled a little.

"Maybe then." He said softly. Ste took the opportunity to wrap his arms around him, pulling him in close.

"Whatever it is you're worrying about, don't." Ste said, near muffled against his chest. "I'll tell dad I need to take a night off tonight."

"Why?" Brendan pulled away a little, wary.

"So we can talk or something." Ste said, looking into his face. "Or not talk, whatever." He added quickly at Brendan's clear hesitation.

"I do want to." Brendan said quietly. "I have something I need to sort out."

"Can't it wait?"

Brendan looked above his head, heaving a sigh. "I'm afraid not."

"You'll come back after though?" Ste hated the uncertainty in his voice.

"Straight away." Brendan said, somewhat reassuringly.

"I'll stay in with dad then I guess." Ste slipped his arms away, feeling rejected.

Brendan hesitated, his hand half-outstretched as though to touch him, reassure him. Eventually he dropped it, looking away from Ste.

"I won't be long."

Ste watched him leave with resignation. He'd try to talk to him again later but he wasn't sure what difference it would make.

Feeling low, Ste took off his daytime clothes and got into some old, worn pyjama's. For one night he wanted to feel like a child; gain a sense of the childhood he could have had if a loving parent had been present.

Sam was sitting on the sofa when he went out into the living room. He glanced up at Ste in some surprise, taking note of his unusual attire.

"Feeling cold, son?"

"A little." Ste sighed, padding over to him. "What we watching?"

"I was just watching a documentary but we can watch whatever you like."

Ste joined him on the sofa, tentatively nudging against his side. Sam raised his eyebrows questioningly.

"What's wrong?"

"Just feeling a bit…" Ste trailed off awkwardly.

Sam frowned at him until he eventually cottoned on. "Oh." He said, moving his arm to rest across the top of the sofa. Ste slid in easily at his side, shuffling down on the sofa so his knees were curled up to his chest.

"Thanks." Ste said, feeling silly but comforted.

"Shall we see what films are on?" Sam asked, placing the remote in front of Ste's face.

"Okay but I don't want to watch another history film."

Sam laughed heartily. "Whatever you want."

"How about this one?" Ste flicked to the appropriate channel.

"You like your gangster films, don't you?"

Ste shrugged. "Comforts me for some reason."

Sam was silent at that. He moved his arm to rest across Ste's waist. "Everything okay, son?"

"Yeah." Ste said, barely convincing himself.

"Brendan went out in a hurry." Sam noted.

"He said he had something to sort out."

"Oh?"

Ste glanced up at him sheepishly. "It's nothing dodgy, I'm sure of it."

"So you know what it is then?"

"Well, no. But I'll ask him when he comes back."

"Did he say how long he'd be?"

"No. But I don't mind waiting up for him."

"Well, we've got this to watch anyway." Sam said reasonably, taking the remote back to turn up the volume. "You want anything to eat? Drink?" Sam asked, shifting his body as though he was about to move.

"No." Ste said quickly, pulling himself closer. He carefully rested his head on Sam's lap, atop a well placed pillow. "Can you just… hold me for a bit?"

"Of course." Sam said, startled. "What's this all about, Steven?"

"My mum." Ste answered, swallowing thickly. "She never liked to hold me."

"You never said." Sam said carefully.

"It was a whole thing, I don't want to talk about it." Ste shifted a little, squeezing his eyes shut.

"You must miss her a great deal."

"I don't know." Ste admitted truthfully. "She was my mum."

Sam was quiet for some time, seemingly absorbing his words. "Well, if you ever want me to hold you, I'm here."

"Thank you." Ste opened his eyes again, wiping the tears away with his sleeve.

They watched the film in silence for a while. Ste felt warm and comfortable; so much so that he almost nodded off a few times. Outside it grew darker and colder and with each passing minute Ste wondered where Brendan was and what he was doing.

His eyes began to feel heavy and at one point he felt Sam's hand in his hair, stroking gently.

"Do you want to go to bed, son? I can wait up for Brendan."

"It's okay." Ste mumbled, beginning to feel sleep pulling at him. "I'll just rest here a minute then I'll go to bed."

"Alright." Sam agreed, turning the volume down on the television.

When Ste opened his eyes again, pale light was shining through the curtains. He was alone on the sofa with a blanket draped over him. He pushed himself up to a sitting position, trying not to wake up completely. He stumbled towards his bedroom, footsteps heavy and addled by sleep. He was relieved to see Brendan in bed, fast asleep. He crawled in beside him, tugging Brendan's arm to rest over him. Brendan grunted a little, pulling Ste against him reflexively.

Ste kissed his chest, feeling himself shiver at his momentary escape from warmth. Brendan pulled the cover further over the two of them, evidently awake now.

"Where were you?" Ste whispered.

"I got back later than expected and ye were already asleep… with Samuel."

"That must have looked a bit weird-" Ste began sheepishly.

"I get it, Steven. Granted, I never wanted my dad to hold me, for obvious reasons."

"Brendan," Ste pushed himself up a little to look at Brendan properly. "Are you okay? Will you tell me where you went?"

Brendan sighed, a little resigned but ultimately much more relaxed than he had been earlier.

"I went to a night service at the church."

"You could have told me that; I'd have gone with you."

"I know, I'm sorry. I went to talk to Father Des afterwards. Lost track of time."

"It's okay." Ste snuggled back down beside him.

"Ye had a good time with yer dad then?"

"Yeah, it was nice." Ste said, pushing down his embarrassment.

"What's this?" Brendan said suddenly, pulling at the fabric of Ste's pyjama's.

"Oh…" Ste laughed, trying to shift away from Brendan. He caught him easily, encircling him in his arms.

"Is that a onesie? Seriously?"

"No!" Ste attempted to wriggle free.

"That's… adorable, really."

"Shut up!" Ste ceased his struggles, flopping weightlessly against Brendan's chest. "The kids bought it for me ages ago. I was cold."

"Yeah, stick to that story." Brendan laughed, chest heaving with each chuckle. Ste smiled in spite of himself, pleased that Brendan was acting more like his old self again.

"Still better than some of the things you used to wear." Ste pointed out, poking him in the side.

"Oh yeah? I seem to recall a particularly garish yellow shirt of yers…"

"That shirt was decent!"

"Do ye still have it?" Brendan asked, amused.

"Somewhere, yeah. Probably gathering mothballs in the back of my wardrobe."

"Have to model it for me sometime." Brendan teased.

"I thought you preferred me out of clothes?"

"I do, especially if ye are wearing onesies for Christ's sake."

"It's too cold to sleep naked, I told you."

"I'll give ye one of my shirts to wear. I just can't sleep with ye in this. It's unthinkable."

"Well alright." Ste slipped away from him to unzip the onesie, practically climbing out of it. "Toss me some clothes then." He said when Brendan made no move to offer him any. "Bren?"

Suddenly he felt lips at the base of his shoulder.

"This is better." Brendan murmured against his skin. Ste felt goosebumps rise on his flesh, not entirely from the cold.

"You better work at warming me up then." Ste told him, turning in his arms. They lay together, noses brushing against each other.

"That's a challenge I can get behind." Brendan said, kissing him lingeringly on the mouth. "Quite literally."

"Just make sure you don't make too much noise." Ste warned, glancing at the bedroom door.

"Wouldn't dream of it." Brendan said coyly, stripping himself of his remaining clothes and mounting Ste in the bed. He ran his hands down his sides, resting at the curve of his arse.

Ste drew his legs upwards obediently, widening them and holding himself by the thighs.

"Someone's keen." Brendan murmured, laying a bite against his inner thigh.

"Don't flatter yourself." Ste said, grinning. His smile faded as Brendan began to work on him and soon it became difficult to keep his mouth closed.

"Problem, Steven?" Brendan raised his eyebrows cockily. It was almost like old times when Brendan had very much been in charge.

"Not at all." Ste lied easily, clutching his legs tighter in his hands.

"If ye say so." Brendan said, resuming his movements. Ste clenched around him, feeling a low moan escape his lips. "Do I have to find something to gag ye?"

"Don't you fucking dare." Ste said breathlessly. Brendan laughed, finding Ste's empty hand resting on his chest.

"Squeeze when it gets overwhelming, yeah?"

Ste nodded, squeezing already and drawing another chuckle from Brendan.

Even in the strange light of morning, it felt natural to be doing this together. One minute Brendan was distant, cold even, and the next he had Ste circled in his arms, the most tender of embraces.

Ste had felt some comfort from the way Sam held him but it wasn't like this. There was something familiar and altogether safe about being in Brendan's arms. It made no conceivable sense to him sometimes, considering the things he knew Brendan was capable of. Somehow it didn't seem to matter anymore.

When they eventually drifted back off to sleep, Brendan's arm draped across his waist, now covered in one of Brendan's old shirts, Ste felt warm and happy once more. It was frightening at times, how much he depended on Brendan to make him happy. He couldn't take the coldness of the early days, or the uncertainty of the later ones. He hoped things would be back to normal soon, or at least as normal as they could be.

The thing with Brendan was, there was never going to be an easy fix. They were never going to be one of those secure couples who argued over what detergent to buy. It was always going to be messy and confusing. Ste could only imagine Brendan's reaction to coming home and finding him with Sam. There was something nagging at him in the back of his mind about that, a thought he didn't want to examine too closely.

Deciding he'd done enough thinking for one day and knowing there weren't many hours left of near light, Ste closed his eyes and attempted to go back to sleep. He wasn't sure of Brendan's mood in the morning, or even his own but for now, he was content to lie in the arms of the man he loved. After all, Ste knew all too well how fragile and temporary moments like this could be and he would be damned if he didn't cling onto them with dear life while he was able to.