It was 1am on a Thursday night, it was Thanksgiving but that was something Izzie was trying to ignore. She didn't want it to be Thanksgiving, she didn't want to acknowledge the holiday she just wanted it to pass, she wanted to work through it and pretend it wasn't happening, that it was just any other day.
She was doing good with the any other days, her body had finally soughed itself out, she could eat without feeling sick and the pounds were slowly starting to creep on, probably not nearly as fast as they needed to be but she was moving in the right direction. She was sleeping better too, in the morning when she'd awake she was feeling refreshed instead of constantly tired. But she still needed Alex, she needed his voice to rock her to sleep, with it she would fall asleep in a matter of minutes but without she could lay awake for hours.
Ignoring Thanksgiving though wasn't easy, every where she'd walk there were people wishing others a happy holiday, there were people bitching about their family and the mess that was going to happen at dinner. The fact that she had a reputation for going a little over board with the holiday didn't help, people expected her to be celebrating but celebrating was the last thing she wanted to do.
Addison seemed to understand that, as her boss she'd offered her all the on-call shifts leading up to and through the holiday. Working through the holiday was the best thing, that was why now at 1am she was standing in an OR carefully guiding a small laser towards the interlocking blood vessels of a couple of TTTS babies.
"There we go, I've go it." She said separating the blood vessels. She carefully pulled the instruments out and began closing the mother's small incisions. Normally she might have asked someone else to close for her but she wanted to stay in the OR as long as possible.
When she was finished she told the husband the news, everything about the procedure had gone to plan and both mom and babies were showing early signs of improvement. "It's good news," she told him but she could still see the worry in his eyes, it was a look she'd seen in herself all too often.
There was nothing she could do for him though, he would continue to worry even when everything was okay, she never stopped worrying about herself. With some final words of reassurance she walked away from the man, as she moved she rested her hands on her own belly, at fourteen weeks she didn't look pregnant to the outside world but she could see the changes in her own body. She made her way into an on call room and lay down on the bed. She'd been on her feet all day and really needed to get some rest. If she was lucky she would drift into some kind of sleep but she wasn't that lucky.
As her body began to relax she began to feel things, her back started to ache and then it felt like her stomach was cramping. As the pain first started to come she tried to ignore it, she tried to tell herself it was just in her head, that her worrying was causing it, but it wouldn't go away and she couldn't ignore it. After almost an hour she pulled herself out of bed and walked to one of the restrooms. It was in there she realized her worst nightmare was happening again, she was bleeding.
She stared at the bloodily tissue, there wasn't a lot of blood, maybe only the equivalent of half a dozen drops but it was enough to scare her half to death, to send fear running through her. Her stomach seemed to cramp again and then she felt the urge to vomit. She turned to the stall just in time to let everything out. She was sick but that didn't make her feel better. Carefully she washed her hands and rinsed out her mouth, then she walked as clammily as she could to the nearest phone. She dialed Dr. Montgomery' s pager and anxiously waited for her to arrive.
"Stevens what's wrong?" Addison asked as soon as she reached her.
Izzie gulped and then tried to find the words she was after, that she needed. "I'm bleeding." She finally said and that was all it took for Addison to understand exactly what was happening.
"Okay." She walked past her and towards one of the exam rooms. "Let me have a look before we start jumping to any conclusions."
"Okay." Not jumping to any conclusions was easier said than done. So many bad things had happened in her life that it was easy to assume the worse, to jump straight to the worst possible scenario. She followed Addison into the exam room and then waited to be told what to do. She knew what to do, she knew what was going to happen but she still needed to be told.
"Take off your pants and get up on the table." Addison told her as she began to slip on a pair of gloves. "This isn't going to hurt but it might be uncomfortable."
Carefully Addison examined her, she seemed to be checking everything and taking her time with it. When she finally finished, when she was able to look her in the eye again there wasn't a sadness there, she smiled at her as she pulled off her gloves and came to stand at her side.
"You're not having a miscarriage." Those words in that instance were the most beautiful words she could have heard.
"Are you sure?" She had to ask the question, she had to be sure.
"I'm sure," Addison smiled at her. "There were only a few drops of blood and your cervices are completely closed."
"But," The answer seemed too simple, too good.
"You're okay Stevens," Addison tried to reassure her. "I'll get the ultrasound, you can have a look for yourself."
"Okay." She nodded as Addison stood up and walked to the phone, she watched her dial the number for portable equipment to be sent up and then she sat back down.
"Izzie," Addison started talking to her again but this time the tone of her voice was that of a friend, not a doctor, and not her boss. "Everything is okay now but this is your body warning you, telling you, you need to slow down."
"I have slowed down." The response was defensive, she thought she'd already done that, she'd been trying to do things right, get a good balance, she didn't take to living at the hospital anymore, at the end of her shifts she was going home and sleeping.
"You need to slow down a bit more. When was the last time you took an entire day off?"
"I don't know." She couldn't remember, she'd been working a lot, she knew that but it was the only way she could get through the day. She'd thought going home and resting after each shift was good enough, she thought by doing that and eating right, and taking the vitamins she was doing the right thing, and coping but it wasn't enough.
"I want you to take the rest of the weekend off." She heard Addison telling her. "We'll manage here without you."
"What?" She knew the statement was coming, really where else would the conversation go but she still didn't want to.
"I want you to go home and get some rest. Everything is okay now but if this happens again it might not be."
The words were true, she knew Addison was right, she did need to get some rest but she didn't want to go home, not this weekend, this weekend she needed to work, she needed to spend her days in the OR so she wouldn't have to think about everything else, about everything that was missing and wrong.
Someone knocked on the door and Addison pulled in the ultrasound. Using the probe she showed Izzie everything that was inside. Her baby looked healthy, though still small, and everything else looked normal, there was nothing wrong, nothing was happening right at that moment, just like Addison had told her. The pains and the blood were just warning signs, nothing had happened yet and there was time to make sure it stayed that way.
"See," Addison smiled at her. "Everything is fine."
Izzie nodded trying to take everything in. It was indeed fine now but she knew it might not stay that way. "Thank you." She smiled at Addison and rested her hands on her belly. "I guess I should get going now."
"Yes, go home and try and get some rest." Addison stood up and walked out the room leaving Izzie alone to pick up her things.
Slowly Izzie changed into her clothes and walked out the room. She began making her way out the hospital, as she walked she kept her head down, she avoided making eye contact with anyone, when she made eye contact people tended to wish her a happy Thanksgiving , she didn't want people wishing her a happy anything.
At the front of the hospital she caught a taxi and asked them to take her home, she told them the address and as the car drove away she stared out the window. At first the driver tried to talk to her but she didn't talk back, she grunted a few times but she didn't want to have a conversation. After ten minutes the taxi stopped and the driver was telling her the fair, telling her to get out. She wasn't home though, the house she was in front of wasn't her own, not anymore, the house she was in front of was Meredith's.
She didn't know why she was there, well she must have told the driver to go there but she didn't know why. "Thanks," She handed the driver some money and climbed out the car.
Meredith's home was dark, it was 4am, the middle of the night, everyone inside was sleeping. Izzie walked up the stairs to the front door and pulled out her keys, she still had a key to the house; she let herself in and closed the door behind her. Once inside she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. She knew she was meant to lay down, meant to go to sleep, but she couldn't sleep without Alex, she needed him to rock her to sleep. Instead she began walking through the house, her feet made creaking noises on the floorboards, and after a few minutes she heard someone come up behind her.
"Izzie what are you doing here?" The voice belonged to Derek, and as she turned around she saw he was holding an umbrella.
"I…I don't know." The words caught in her mouth and Derek turned away.
"I'll go get Meredith." She heard him say as he walked up the stairs.
Alone in the house again, Izzie began to look around, everything was exactly the same as when she lived there, nothing had been moved. If she closed her eyes she could even see her and Alex there.
"Izzie." The sound of her name made her jump and she turned around. Now Meredith was with her. "What are you doing here?"
"I…I don't know." She didn't know why she was there, she wasn't meant to be there but she was. "Dr. Montgomery sent me home." It was an answer, it was half the reason.
"Oh, Iz." Meredith stepped forward and placed a hand on her shoulder; with a gentle push she began leading her through the house to the lounge room. "Why did she send you home?"
"Because," She sat down on the sofa and pulled her knees up to her chest. "I was bleeding. She said I needed to go home and rest. I don't know why I'm here; I don't know why the taxi brought me here."
"It's okay," Meredith soothed at her. "You can stay here, I don't mind." She reached over and took her hand; she squeezed it in her own. "How about we go upstairs, you can sleep in your old room."
She didn't say anything but she let Meredith pull her from the sofa and lead her up the stairs. She walked her into her old room and sat down on the bed beside her.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked.
"No, yes, I don't know." She didn't want to talk, she never wanted to talk but when she did, it made her feel better. "Can you stay? I…I don't want to be alone."
"Sure," Meredith climbed over the bed and curled under the covers, both women curled under the covers and Meredith reached out for Izzie, she put an arm loosely around her body in an effort to hug her. "Izzie are you doing okay?" She began to ask, "We haven't had the chance to really talk for a while."
"Yeah," Izzie let out a sigh. "I just miss him is all. I miss him all the time but usually it's okay, usually I'm okay but not tonight, I didn't want to be alone tonight."
"I understand." She felt Meredith gently rub her arm.
She let out another sigh but she didn't say anything, instead she closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep. She couldn't sleep though, even with Meredith's presence beside her, even with another body in the bed it wasn't enough, it wasn't right. When she was sure Meredith was asleep she climbed from the bed and began walking down the hall. She walked into Alex's room.
His room wasn't like hers, Meredith hadn't kept it exactly the same, instead it was full of boxes but everything else was still there. On the floor beside the bed sat his old CD player. He'd told her he'd had it since he was a kid, he said it didn't look very cool but it still worked so that was all that mattered. She picked it up and sat it on her lap, she ran her fingers over the scratched surface of it and around the worn buttons. The play button had been pressed so many times you couldn't see it was a play button anymore. Carefully she pressed it one more time, she didn't know if it would work, she hadn't even looked to see if it was plugged in, let alone had a CD in it, she just pressed the button and after a second music started playing.
The sound brought a smile to her face; she knew the music back to front and sideways. It was Alex's music; it was the songs he played to her, that he would practice over and over until he got them right, until he worked out what he was doing.
She rested the CD player on the night stand and crawled into his bed. She turned the volume down so it was just a whisper and she closed her eyes. In her mind she tried to picture a time when Alex had played though the night, she tried to picture a time he was there, just sitting on a chair in the corner playing. He didn't do it too often, she'd told him she didn't like the music playing all night, not when she was trying to sleep but tonight she needed it. She needed something real that could help her pretend, help take her back, rock her into a dream world.