Chapter Thirty Six

Ste stared at his phone, noting both the date and the display picture. Four years ago today everything had changed. He wondered if Brendan had planned it this way or if it was a coincidence. Ste squinted at the sky, the sun still present despite the chill in the air. It didn't feel like December at all; so much had happened in the few months Brendan had returned. A lot more had changed since that fateful day in Dublin.

"Steven?" Brendan walked out from the church, leather jacket tight over his broad shoulders. "Why are ye out here?" He settled down beside him, leg brushing against Ste's.

"Thinking," Ste said, glancing briefly in his direction.

"Not having doubts are ye?" Brendan asked, ducking his head to get a closer look at Ste's face.

"Don't be soft," Ste snorted, pulling his jacket over his cold hands. "Do you know what the date is?"

Brendan paused, considering. "Can't say I do, no."

Ste showed him his phone, looking at him carefully for his reaction. The recognition came, Brendan's eyes finding Ste's and locking.

"Shit."

"I know."

"Ah, Steven…" Brendan knocked his knee gently with his own. "I'm not good with dates anymore, ye know that. Prison was one long stretch and every day felt like a memory lost."

"That's pretty poetic for you." Ste grinned at him.

"Yeah well, don't get used to it." Brendan grunted.

"It's okay; I didn't realise either." Ste was about to tuck his phone back into his pocket until Brendan caught his wrist.

"What was that picture?"

Ste showed him, feeling himself flush. "I found it a few days ago, do you remember?"

Brendan took the phone from his hands. "Dublin."

"What was it you just said about memories lost?" Ste smiled, taking the phone out of Brendan's hands.

"Is everything okay?" Brendan murmured.

"Do you ever wonder what could have happened if we'd stayed in Dublin?"

Brendan stared straight ahead, looking pensive. "Every day."

"Maybe…" Ste trailed off, swallowing what he was about to say.

Brendan looked at him quizzically, opening his mouth to question him until a taxi pulled up.

Ste looked up sharply, for some reason feeling panicked. He glanced quickly at Brendan before standing up, braced.

Mitzeee swung out of the taxi, wearing the most ridiculous heels Ste had ever seen her wear. She grabbed him for support and Ste grabbed Brendan for the same.

"I'll never forgive you for this," She said, wagging her perfectly manicured finger at them.

"What?" Ste asked.

"Making this wedding so short notice! It wasn't easy finding the right outfit."

Brendan rolled his eyes, helping Phoenix out of his seat belt. "We offer our sincerest apologies. How incredibly selfish of us," He said dryly.

"Apology accepted." Mitzeee grinned, patting his face affectionately.

"What's this?" Brendan lifted Phoenix into his arms, bringing him into the light.

"That's my son, thank you very much."

"What is he wearing?"

"It's a bow tie silly." Phoenix tapped him on the head.

"It's a bit… colourful," Ste muttered.

"It's a gay wedding, of course it's colourful!" Mitzeee chastised, steadying herself on the pavement. She opened her coat, revealing a coloured dress to rival Phoenix's bow tie.

"Are those matching?" Brendan asked, horrified. "You'll give the kid a complex."

"Shut up." Mitzeee took Phoenix from him.

"I like it." Phoenix poked his tongue out at Brendan.

"That's you told." Ste laughed. Mitzeee put him down, tottering dangerously on her heels. "Were those really necessary?"

"They're brand new!" Mitzeee scolded him.

"You don't understand." Phoenix said, hands on his hips.

"You heard him." Mitzeee winked.

"As much fun as this is…" Brendan glanced behind them to the church's entrance.

"Who else is coming?" Mitzeee asked, kneeling down to straighten Phoenix's bow tie.

"Declan should be on his way." Ste told her. "We need to get dressed, Bren."

"You aren't even dressed yet?" Mitzeee said in some surprise.

"My suit's itchy." Ste explained.

"And what are you wearing?" Mitzeee asked Brendan.

"Wait and see." He winked, placing his hand on Ste's back. "Go inside and get comfortable, yeah?" He added.

"If you insist." Mitzeee flicked her hair behind her, taking Phoenix by the hand with some difficulty considering the height of her heels.

"Life and soul that one," Brendan murmured to Ste. "Do ye think Deccy will make it?" He glanced around anxiously.

"Course he will." Ste reassured him, touching his arm gently. "Maybe we should go get ready though."

"Alright." Brendan agreed, absently touching Ste's stomach and chest.

Father Des gave them his private chambers to change in. Ste was a little unnerved by how ordered the place was. It smelt musty, like an old people's home. Brendan laughed when he voiced that opinion out loud.

Ste was half dressed when he felt Brendan's hands on his waist. He didn't have any trousers on yet, his black socks the only visible clothing on his legs.

"Can I help you?" Ste teased, not turning. Brendan smoothed his hands underneath Ste's white shirt, fingers brushing against his skin. He felt his moustache tickling the

nape of his neck when he kissed there, breath hot and familiar.

"Do ye have any idea how enticing ye are like this?" Brendan spoke against Ste's skin.

"You tell me." Ste challenged, turning in Brendan's arms and bracing himself against the table at his back.

Brendan kissed him instead, hands tangling themselves in Ste's hair. Ste gasped into his mouth, pressing himself against Brendan's leg.

"Easy." Brendan pulled away enough to speak, eyes half-lidded with desire.

Ste re-established himself in the room, blinking to clear his head. "Oops."

Brendan chuckled, pressing his mouth against Ste's one last time. "Later." He promised.

They turned away from each other to dress after that, Ste tugging his trousers over his hips and wobbling in the process. He fiddled with his tie, tying it in unhelpful knots in his nerves.

"Here." Brendan turned him around, fingers unravelling the tie and doing it again properly. Ste swallowed, keeping perfectly still. Brendan took a step back when he was done, eyes raking over Ste's form head to toe. "Jesus," he murmured.

"What?" Ste fiddled with his suit jacket.

"Incredible," Brendan said very softly. Ste blushed immediately, looking away.

"Shut up."

"Look in the mirror." Brendan told him, steering him in the right direction.

Ste looked at himself, self-consciously patting his hair down at the crown of his head. Brendan had chosen the suits a while ago. Ste's was black and drawn in at the waist with a white shirt underneath. He had to admit it was the nicest suit he'd ever worn, even with the itchiness.

Brendan's in contrast was more open at the waist and shoulders to accommodate his form. Both of their ties were sleek and black. Looking at the two of them in the mirror was a surreal experience that Ste wasn't likely to forget in a hurry.

"This is crazy." He voiced out loud. Brendan's lips quirked into a smile.

"Good kinda crazy?"

Ste nodded, grin spreading across his face. There was a steady knock at the door, making Ste jump involuntarily.

"I'll go see who it is," Brendan said, striding purposefully away from him. When he didn't immediately return Ste followed him out only to breathe with relief when he saw Declan wrapped up in Brendan's arms.

"You made it," Ste said, clapping him happily on the back.

"Wouldn't miss it." Declan grinned, looking at the two of them with something like pride.

"Are you ready, Brendan?" Father Des was behind Declan. Mitzeee and Phoenix were already seated at the front. The main doors were closed with a great sense of finality. Ste took a deep breath to steady himself. "And you, Ste?"

Ste nodded, looking at Brendan determinedly. "Let's do this."

Xxx

Sam found himself in Steven's bedroom a few days later, balling his hands into fists and willing himself to not go rooting through his son's belongings.

When Sam had first moved in with him his room had been stripped of personal effects, bar pictures of Amy and the kids. Now it was littered with mementos of Brendan, as though everything had been unearthed since his return. His son was vulnerable to love, just like Sam had been. The part of him that didn't resent their relationship wished them happiness, wherever they were. If seeing Terry and losing Steven's trust had taught him anything in the last few days it was that his son's happiness was more important than Sam's own personal feelings on the matter.

In spite of this epiphany, Sam was still tempted to ransack his room and attempt to find clues as to where they might be. He'd seen Mitzeee earlier but she'd jumped straight into a taxi before he was able to speak to her. He hadn't heard anything more from Terry. He was probably lying low somewhere until Steven returned.

As much as Sam wanted to will Steven to stay away, he couldn't ignore the part of him that yearned for his return. He missed him already. Their past few years together had given him the belief that they would never be parted again and now that they were, it was almost physically impossible to bear.

He remained seated on Steven's bed, clutching the picture he'd found on the dresser. Brendan and Steven, smiling and happy and written on the back in Steven's untidy handwriting: Dublin, best day ever.

Xxx

Brendan was having an out of body experience. That was the only explanation for what was happening. He couldn't believe that he was here, marrying Steven in front of his son. The Brendan of old would have recoiled at the very thought but this Brendan, the one he had become, embraced it wholeheartedly.

Steven was bright and jittery on his feet, hardly able to keep still. The church was eerily quiet save Desmond's rumbling voice, reading from a text Brendan had always thought condemned him but was now giving him his salvation.

Mitzeee and Declan sat with Phoenix in-between them, the three of them engrossed and smiling so much Brendan was sure their faces would soon ache. It was only when Steven's grin grew wider that Brendan realised he himself was smiling, in a glazed, unfiltered manner. He shook his head, bringing himself back to the moment at hand and yet the smile remained, permanently fixed on his face.

"Brendan," Father Des looked to him first, smiling encouragingly. It was time to say his vows. Perhaps stupidly, he hadn't prepared anything. He'd spent many a night prior to this day wracking his brain for the right thing to say but nothing seemed right, seemed enough. Brendan swallowed the lump in his throat, hoping that he'd find the right words now. He looked at Steven, fixing him with a steady gaze. He blocked everything else out around him and focused only on Steven.

"You okay?" Steven whispered when he didn't say anything.

Brendan nodded, shaking himself again. "Steven," he said, smiling to himself at the familiar taste of his name on his lips. "It's not easy for us like it is for other people. I can't say that it was love at first sight, or that we got there in the end because it isn't true." Brendan absently touched Steven's hand. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to relax and be like everyone else, to expect ye to be there every day without fail, to think that we're going to be together always. I can only promise ye the same thing I did years ago," Brendan stepped closer, looking into Steven's eyes. "Every day until I'm in my grave you'll always be in my head, Steven. That isn't a sentiment, that's a promise. No matter what, it was always you. Even when there was heat beneath the hatred, tears and bruises and more pain than anyone should have to go through, it was always this, always us. I could spend the rest of my life trying to make up to ye everything that we've been through but I think we'd run out of time," Brendan smiled. "There is no one else, okay? Ever."

Brendan blinked, re-positioning himself in the room. Steven had tears in his eyes, one shining drop escaping him which Brendan smoothed away with his thumb. "I love you," He said, breathy and so quiet he was sure only Steven could hear.

Steven gave a small nod, looking first to Father Des for confirmation and then to Brendan.

"Err, to be honest I didn't even know about this until a few days ago," Steven gave a nervous, honking laugh. "But when Brendan was inside I had a lot of time to think about stuff and I used to dream about all this happening. When we got together in Dublin I didn't really think it was a real possibility. I wanted it, of course I did, but I didn't really believe in marriage anymore and I thought we were okay as we were. Then one night in the deli when we baked bread together it felt… momentous." Brendan mouthed the word along with him. "And after that I really wanted it. Things always seemed to get in the way though and the dream got further and further away. Love isn't like what they tell you. It isn't always warm and sweet and it's definitely not easy." Steven bowed his head briefly before looking up again. "I used to think there was a certain way you had to be. When I thought I was straight it was almost easy to pretend that I didn't have those feelings until Brendan brought them out of me. He taught me so much about myself and I don't think he'll ever fully realise what he means to me." Steven let out a shaky breath then. "I'm talking like he isn't even here! I got used to that, you know…" He frowned a little. "I know you said you can't relax but I can for both of us. It feels different this time. All I'd ever wanted was for you to be honest with yourself and to other people and you've done all that and more. Now I just want you to love me, that's all. Because I don't think it's possible for a person to love someone as much as I love you. If there is I'll be having words." Steven grinned, eyes still shining.

Brendan stepped forwards, distantly hearing Father Des confirm everything and instructing them to kiss. Brendan didn't need to be told. Steven stood firm, miles away from the young boy who had cowered and braced himself to be kissed. Brendan reached forward with his hand, cupping Steven's jaw and drawing him close. Their lips met like they always did: possessively. The only difference now was that the possession was confirmed and it didn't have to feel degrading, they were each others in the right way, and that was it.