I do not own maximum ride. It is late and Gazzy should be asleep.
Welcome to Nudge's session!
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Maximum Therapy
-Rachel turns around in her chair to face the camera, stroking her Chihuahua-
Rachel: Good morrow, dear viewers! A thanks to thee for these reviews! They art wonderful!
Peanut (Rachel's Chihuahua): AR! AR AR AR AR AR!! AR AR AR AR AR AR AR ARHK!!!
Rachel: Excuse her. That's just how she barks. It's not stereotypical but I zove her anyvay! Ishin't dat right, my Peanut puppeh dawggie?
Peanut: AR! AR AR AR AR!!!
Rachel: Quiet, Juba. (AN: That's just what I call her; Juba, Pa-Juba, Juba-jube, Pa-Juba-Juba, etc. But her real name is Peanut.)
Peanut: Arrrgg….
Rachel: Well anyway, I'm Dr. Rachel and today we're calling Nudge here to put her through the therapy that she (along with everyone having to do with Maximum Ride, including the writer and most of the readers like myself) really, really needs. So, without further ado, here's Nudge!
-Nudge appears with straightjacket on-
Nudge: Where am I? Where's that rock I was holding? Why doesn't Max ever talk to me? Why am I here? Why do remotes for TVs have useless buttons that nobody ever uses? Where's Fang? Why is his hair as long as Mt. Everest is tall in the manga? How—
Rachel: Oh my gosh, Nudge! Shut up!
Nudge: But where AM I? Can—
-Rachel duct tapes Nudge's mouth shut. Mumbling is heard-
Rachel: All better. As for your questions; You're on a TV-ish-but-not-really show in which you will be going through therapy, I don't allow things you're holding to come through when you're transported here in case Iggy or Gazzy are holding bombs, Max is in a very fragile state of mind right now and probably only talks to herself these days, they're for controlling the universe, Fang's probably with everyone else, and you should go ask the person who made the manga who's 19 and living with his parents somewhere in Korea. I'm angry about that, too.
Nudge: Mmmph! Ugff limph mouf ouf uf!
Rachel: What's that?
Nudge: -sigh-
Rachel: Well Nudge, are you ready for your session of therapy?
Nudge: T.T
Rachel: It's free.
Nudge: ^.^
Rachel: Okay this is annoying. Facial expressions, even adorable keyboard smilies, are not words and cannot be heard. –rips duct tape from nudge's mouth- But if you continue to talk like a raging hog-monke—
Nudge: I lIkE tO tAlK lIkE tHiS!
Rachel: Nudge! None of the Audience can hear you speaking in upper- and lower-case letters! Quit making me type more!
Nudge: Okay jeez.
Rachel: Now, Nudge, take a seat.
Nudge: -sitting- Why are you trying to give me therapy, Albert Einstein? I thought you were a man of science, not psychology. You did the e=mc^2, didn't you? They all say it's supposed to be some mass stuff, but everybody knows that it really means euphoria= many carrots squared. I mean, duh. Did you know that in the fifth book Angel wears tutus like, all the time? It's really stupid. And Max—
Rachel: Nudge! Sty zitta! I'm not Albert Einstein! I'm just wearing an Albert Einstein suit! This isn't my hair! It's sheep!
Hair: Baa-aa.
Rachel: -pats hair- Good sheep.
Nudge: You're weird.
Rachel: You're normal.
Nudge: I have wings.
Rachel: I have toad feet.
Audience Member75: You do not!
Rachel: Haven't you LEARNED what happens to Audience Members that speak out of turn on this show?
Audience Member75: -whimper-
Rachel: That's what I thought. And yes, I do have toad feet. So did Albert Einstein. He is my adoptive father.
Nudge: -sigh- I don't even want to say how much that doesn't make sense.
Rachel: Nudge, why do you think you talk so much?
Nudge: -sniff- No one ever gives me hugs! I live in a bottomless pit of loneliness and despair! I try to fill the void with my voice, but I'm never truly whole! –breaks into sobs-
Rachel: -rubs Nudge's back- It's okay, Nudge. We know how neglected you are in the books. James Patterson just doesn't see how important EVERYONE in the flock is. Right now it's just Max and Fang angst, and—oh! Look! MORE Max and Fang angst! Look they kissed! Oh no, Max doesn't except him! Okay, now it's time to be sorry for Fang… Really it's over done.
Nudge: -sniff- You're right.
Rachel: Nudge, I do believe you have… -leafs through medical book- anthrophobia. Yes, that's it.
Nudge: Wh-what's anthrophobia?
Rachel: -lightly- Why, that's the fear of flowers!
Nudge: AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIHHHHHHEEEESSSSSSSSSSSQQQQQQQQQQQQQKKKKKKKKKLLLLLLLLLNNNNNMMMMMMMMMMDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-at the mention of the word flower Nudge jumps up, flips over the couch and table, roaring all the while. Rachel leaps up to a safe spot in the rafters while body guards attempt to constrain Nudge-
-15 minutes later-
Rachel: ARE YOU COMFORTABLE, NUDGE?
-Nudge is behind a glass hut two feet thick with a table in the middle-
Nudge: -smiles and does a thumbs-up-
Rachel: OKAY, NUDGE. HERE IS HOW WE CURE YOUR PHOBIAS. STEP ONE: PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THIS BILLBOARD WHILE WE SNEAK IN AND PUT STUFF ON THAT TABLE. ALSO, PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE TABLE.
Nudge: -cocks head to one side and mouths the word:- Phobias? –but is soon distracted by the billboard pulled into the studio. All that was on it was the color green, and the word green in green. No one noticed this, of course, but the billboard, who really likes the word green, and wants his favorite word to be noticed, but sadly green cannot be seen on green. Nudge is completely mesmerized-
-Two body guards sneak in the glass door to the glass hut, carrying a vase (AN: I pronounce vaaaaze.) of flowers and a plate with 3 peanut butter sandwiches. With no milk! (dundundun) They quickly set the things on the table and run out of there like no tomorrow-
Rachel: YOU CAN LOOK AWAY NOW, NUDGE.
-Nudge looks away to the table and the billboard disappears, absolutely terrified-
Nudge: OOOOOOHHHH MYYYYYYYY GGGOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOLY CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!! GET THOSE THINGS THE HECK AWAY FROM ME! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHh!!!! –starts clawing at the glass-
Rachel: THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! –turns to audience-
See, viewers? My predictions were correct. Not only does Nudge have anthrophobia, the fear of flowers, but I have gathered that she also has arachibutyrophobia, the fear of getting peanut butter stuck at the top of her mouth. Nudge needs to conquer these fears, and perhaps some of that void she's living will become whole…er…
-Nudge is still screaming-
PoliceMan: Stop right there!
Rachel: Why, whatever's the problem, officer?
PoliceMan: -looking passed Rachel at Nudge- You, you there! You're under arrest!
Nudge:-continues to scream-
-Police Man and his forces break into the glass hut, even though it wasn't locked, because policemen are just like that. They try to apprehend Nudge, but she goes even more insane and goes into a flurry of knocking them all out-
Rachel: Oops, I forgot. Our little winged friend also has fearingpoliceissmartaphobia, which is the fear of policemen, or authority… hehe
Nudge: YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEEEEE!!! –flies out of window-
Rachel: Really? Again? The window?
Audience: -sarcastically- Awww, man!
-Police force slowly reawaken-
Rachel: Okay, so with the remaining time, we'll have a party with the force! Nudge is cured!
-Everybody except for the audience since they're locked in a cage partys like it's 1999-
Rachel: Hey, Young Man Jackson, is Old Man Jackson out of the hospital yet?
Young Man Jackson: Yep. But my pa' went back to the farm and said he was thinkin' up a plan that could squash you like opossum on a dry winter's day under the chicken feed.
Rachel: Curse you, Old Man Jackson and your upsurd similies!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yayayayayayayayayayaaay! Yeah, so I pretty much look like a jerkface right now, making you fans wait for such a looooooooooooooooooooooooooong long long long looooong time for this chapter. And it would make me even MORE of a jerkface if I had any kind of excuse prepared for your extended wait. Either way, I'm a jerkface. Know what would make me even MORE of a jerkface? If I'd tell you that it would probably be a looooong wait again. And I am. D:
But seriously, I AM trying to get on track. And now I'm proposing an interactive thing for you people who will bother to read any of this after I've shunned you for a long time: Who do you want to go through one of my sessions next? And I'll try my best to put you in the fic, too!! Yay redemption!
THE PEOPLE LEFT TO CURE ARE: GAZZY, ANGEL, JEB, MAYBE ARI DEPENDING ON THOSE WHO WANT IT, AND JAMES PATTERSON.