"Listen Iz, listen to the music." Alex voice broke into her dream. She couldn't see him this time, everything around her was dark but she could hear him, she could feel him, smell him. Everything about his energy felt real.
"Alex," She tried to reach up and touch him but she couldn't move. "Alex," Every muscle in her body was paralyzed, the feeling scared her she didn't understand it. And then she felt Alex's hand touch her face. He was so gentle with her.
"It's okay, Iz," he whispered to her, "just listen to the music." He let go of her and music began to fill her ears. It calmed her, rocked her into a deeper sleep.
-8-8-8-8-8-
"Happy Thanksgiving." Izzie blinked her eyes open, to see Alex standing over her. She was laying on a bed at the hospital, one of the on call rooms it seemed like. "I made this for you."
He pulled out something from behind his back made of al-foil. She took one look at it and started laughing. "What is that supposed to be?" she asked.
"It's a turkey." He handed it to her and sat down on the bed beside her.
"You made me a turkey?"
"Yeah." He lent forward and kissed her, he ran his hand through hair and pulled her closer to him. She giggled as they both fell back down on the bed. "Actually one of the kids in peads made it." He smiled before kissing her again.
-8-8-8-8-8-
Her dreams drifted on, one after another, they made her happy, made her smile, she was enjoying the rest she was getting. In her dreams things were the way they were meant to be, everything was always safe, nice, she kept dreaming all night until she heard voices, voices raised a little louder than they should be.
"Meredith you need to get ready, we need to be at the airport in half an hour."
-8-8-8-8-8-
Meredith blinked her eyes open, she'd fallen asleep in the guestroom with Izzie but Izzie wasn't there anymore. Derek was in the room though, he was fully dressed and looked like he was ready to leave the house.
"The airport, what?" She was half asleep and not quite sure what he was talking about.
"It's Thanksgiving, we're going to New York to see my family."
"Oh right," She'd completely forgot about their planed trip to New York, she'd been trying to block it from her mind, she didn't like the idea of meeting Derek's whole family. She pushed herself up in bed and ran her hand through her hair. "Is Izzie still here?"
"I think so, there was music coming from Alex's old room."
"Oh," She sat up further in the bed. She'd never been too keen on going to New York, it had been Derek's idea and she'd been doing it for him, she didn't have a good reason not to go but she did now. "I think I should stay here." She started saying, she paused and waited for Derek's reaction.
"What! Why?" He reacted, he wasn't happy but she didn't expect him to be.
"I want to stay with Izzie, she really needs someone right now."
"Right," There was a hint of understanding in his tone but he wasn't happy. "Why don't you give O'Malley a call, get him to come pick her up." He wanted her to go with him, he was offering solutions but they weren't right.
"I can't," There was no real reason why she couldn't call George other than she didn't want to. "She came here last night, here and you didn't see her. She's so lonely and depressed right now, she needs all her friends."
"But, we've been planning this for months. My sisters were looking forward to finally meeting you."
"I know and I'm sorry but I can't go. Just tell them what happened, they'll understand." She stood up and wrapped her arms around him, she gave him a kiss before pulling back and smiling. "You should probably get going or you'll miss your plane."
"What if I want to miss the plane?" There was a cheeky look in his eyes, she could tell what he was thinking, he was thinking of missing the entire thing but she didn't want him to do that. She was certain Izzie would struggle to cope and having Derek there would make it harder.
"You have to go. We'll never hear the end of it if we both don't show up."
"True." He lent forward and kissed her once more. "I guess I'll see you in a couple days." He smiled at her and started walking out the room. He'd made it to the top of the stairs before she went after him.
"Derek," She called. "I love you."
"I know," He stopped walking and turned back to her. "I love you too."
She smiled and watched him walk out the door. Those three words had never been something they'd said much to each other, they didn't need to but after Alex died things had changed, she wanted him to know because she couldn't help being afraid that it would happen again. She didn't want to feel the pain Izzie was feeling and some how this was her minds way of dealing with that.
-8-8-8-8-8-
Izzie listened to the sound of footsteps down the stairs and the front door open and close. Derek was gone, she'd heard him talking to Meredith about going to New York, she'd heard Meredith say she had to stay. She pulled her blanket around her shoulders and closed her eyes again. She didn't want to get up, she wanted to spend the whole day in bed but she knew that wasn't going to happen. It wouldn't be long before Meredith would knock on the door and start talking her into getting up.
She'd tell her something about it being Thanksgiving and staying in bed all day wasn't what you were supposed to do. She'd tell her it wouldn't be what Alex would want her to do, that one always got her because she knew it was true. The last thing Alex would want her to do was wallow in self pity and depressions. Knowing that helped but it didn't make things easy, this was supposed to be their first holiday together as husband and wife and instead it was her first holiday without him.
"Iz," The knock on the door she was expecting came and Meredith slowly pushed it open. "Iz, are you awake?"
"Yeah," She let out a little sigh and opened her eyes . Meredith smiled at her and walked into the room.
"How are you feeling?" She sat down on the bed beside her and smiled again. "You had me worried there last night."
"I'm sorry," She pushed herself up in the bed so she was resting against the head board. "I'm okay. I was just having a bad night."
-8-8-8-8-8-
Meredith tried to steer the conversation in the way she wanted, she tried to get Izzie to open up to her again and tell her what she was really thinking but she'd closed up. All she wanted to say was she was fine, she was okay. She could tell she wasn't okay though, Izzie was never really okay, and turning up at 4am unannounced was about as clear a sign as you could get that things weren't okay.
"I'm sorry I came, next time I'll just go home." Izzie told her, she didn't like the questions and she was starting to get defensive.
"That's not what I'm saying Iz, I'm glad you came. I just want you to talk to me."
"Talk about what?" Izzie glared at her. "That Alex is dead, that this was supposed to be our first holiday together and instead it's our first holiday apart. Do you want me to talk about how I'm pregnant, how I'm carrying his child and I spend every waking moment praying I'm not going to lose him too. Do you want me to talk about how, the only time I feel normal is when I'm working, when I'm standing in the OR I feel human. And now I've been told I can't do that, that I have to slow down or I'm going to lose him too. Do you want me to talk about that because I don't want to talk about it." The shaking in Izzie voice was obvious and by the time she finished there were tearing fighting their way out of her eyes.
"We don't have to talk if you don't want to." She pulled an arm around her and tried to comfort her. "But it's thanksgiving we should do something."
"I don't want to do anything. All I want to do is sleep."
-8-8-8-8-8-
She wanted to ignore the holiday, pretend it wasn't happening and if she couldn't work through it the next best thing was sleep, she could sleep through the holiday, or at least try to.
"You can sleep Iz but you've still got to eat something." That was Meredith's way of telling her sleeping all day wasn't an option. "How about we get a few more hours and then we go find somewhere to eat, maybe after we could watch some movies or something."
She thought about what Meredith was suggesting, her plan wasn't for a party, for a celebration, it was just normal boring stuff, she might be able to handle normal boring stuff. "Okay." She nodded her head in acceptance of the suggestion and lay back down. She rolled over and hit the play button on the CD player and pulled the covers around her. "I'm going to go back to sleep now." She told Meredith and then she closed her eyes, she listened to the sound of her walking out the room and then she let herself drift off to the sound of the music.
-8-8-8-8-8-
"Happy Thanksgiving," Alex's voice broke into her dream. She opened her eyes and saw him standing over her. He smiled at her and she felt his hand wrap around hers and the other run along the side of her face. "It sucks that we're stuck in here for the holiday. We were supposed to do something special this year."
She heard him say before letting go of her hand and laying down beside her. It took a minute for her to work out where they were and then she realized they were in the hospital again.
"It's alright, we'll have a big feast next year. And we'll have our little girl to celebrate with us too. We'll have a big feast next year, with turkey, and roasted vegetable, and pumpkin pie. Next year we'll celebrate properly."
The thought of a feast made her smile; the thought of a feast with Alex made her smile more. She tightened her grip around his hand and then her eyes began to drift shut.
When she opened them again the hospital was gone and instead she was laying down at a beach. She sat up and looked around, she recognized this beach, it was the one Alex had talked about going to for their honeymoon. They'd never got there though; it was too far away for the two days they had to honeymoon. They settled for the log cabin, it was close and really as long as they were together it didn't really matter where they were. That was her argument, the truth was she had a thing for cabins, Alex though he never really stopped talking about that beach. He wanted to go there for their anniversary, he said it was beautiful and now that she was there she had to agree with him.
The beach was beautiful and she couldn't believe she was there. She looked up the beach and began searching for Alex, he had to be there somewhere and after some looking she finally saw him walking toward her carry two drinks in his hands.
"Sorry I took so long," He said handing her a drink. "The line at the bar was crazy."
"Thanks," She took a sip of the green drink with an umbrella in it. She didn't know what is was and she wasn't game enough to ask. It tasted alright though so that was all that mattered. She lent back down in the sand and closed her eyes. "Alex why are we hear?"
"Because you want to be." He lent forward and began running his fingers along her abdomen. She slipped her straw into her mouth and sucked down the rest of the drink. When the glass was empty she dropped it to the ground and pulled Alex closer.
"I just what to be where you are." She whispered and that was the last thing she said before Alex's mouth cut her off.