Getting through thanksgiving was hard but with Meredith's help she got through it. She survived the day and it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. After dinner they went back to Meredith's and watched surgery videos, there was something detaching and fascinating about them which calmed her and made her feel better. That night she slept well too, kind of, she fell asleep on the sofa watching the movies and Meredith left her there with a blanket over her. That night she dreamed about the hospital, about surgeries and cutting, she didn't seem to be in the dream, it was more like she was watching it, watching Alex and Meredith, they seemed to be shearing a patient who they were quite worried about. It didn't seem to make sense to her but she couldn't turn away from it, make it stop, Alex was there and he was doing what he did best, he was being a doctor and she hadn't seem him do that in long time. When the dream finally ended, when she woke up, it was to the sound of Meredith's voice asking her if she was awake, if she wanted some coffee.

"No thanks," She pushed herself up in the sofa and rubbed her eyes, she was awake and feeling really good, she didn't need coffee, that had been a luxury to help her through a bad day she didn't need any just yet. "Do you have any juice?"

"Yeah I think so."

Meredith disappeared from the room and returned a few minutes later with a glass of juice and a mug of coffee for herself.

"Did you sleep okay?" she asked her. "You fell asleep during the movie and I didn't want to wake you."

"Yeah, I slept well," She didn't elaborate any further, she didn't want to talk about the dream, she couldn't make sense of it and she didn't want to listen to Meredith's explanation of it, the dream was personal. But she needed to talk about something, she didn't know how to do the comfortable silence anymore, there was always that feeling she needed to say something. "Can you take me home later?" She asked.

"Sure." Meredith smiled at her. "What do you need from there?"

"Nothing," She didn't need anything from home she just wanted to go there. "I just think I should go home. You've been so great and I don't want to impose anymore."

"Iz," Meredith looked at her like she was shocked. "You're my friend not an imposition. If you want to go home I can take you but you don't have to leave. Derek is in New York all weekend, we can do what ever you want, I'm all yours."

"Thanks," She gave what she hoped looked like a genuine smile. "I want to go home for a bit but we can do something else after."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie arrived with Meredith at the front door of her home just as the phone stared ringing. She fumbled with her keys and unlocked the door.

"I'm going to have a shower," she said walking into the house. "Make yourself a home, I'll be back in a little bit." She kept walking into her home towards her bedroom, she didn't pause for the phone, she made no indication that she even heard it.

"Iz aren't you going to get the phone?" Meredith asked the question from somewhere behind her.

"No," She kept walking, she knew who was phoning and she didn't want to talk to them, she'd been ignoring them for weeks and she planned to keep doing it.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Meredith listened as the answering machine clicked on and Alex's voice filled the house.

"Hello! ...Oh hey, it's Alex…Actually, we're not home, leave a message after the tone."

The answering machine clicked over and a woman's voice filled the room.

"Hi this is Alice from Portrait Palace. Can you please give us a phone call the proofs for your wedding are sitting here waiting for you to view?"

The answering machine clicked off and the house went quiet again, the only noise came from running water somewhere deep in the house. Meredith walked further into the house and headed towards the kitchen. She was going to delete the message for Izzie, she didn't need to keep it she could pass the message on. When she reached the kitchen though, when she stood beside the machine she realized it wasn't the first message on the machine. The blinking light showed that there were thirty new messages.

"Wow," Meredith thought to herself and out of curiosity she pressed the play button. One by one she began listening to the messages, every single one of them was from the wedding photographers.

"Meredith what are you doing?"

She hadn't heard Izzie's footsteps down the hallway but when she turned around she saw her standing in the doorway. She'd showered and changed into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt with the word Iowa blazed across the front of it. The top had obviously belonged to Alex at some point.

"I was listening to your messages, the Portrait Palace phoned."

"I know." She walked into the room and sat down on one of the dinning chairs. "They always phone, they want me to go look at the photos but I can't bring myself to do it."

-8-8-8-8-8-

"Oh," Meredith gave her a concerned look and sat down on one of the other chairs. "Iz, you should look at your photos." She started telling her. "You were so beautiful that day, you and Alex, you'll want to remember that, you'll want something to show your child."

"I know," She let out a sigh, she knew everything Meredith was saying was true, at some point she needed to get her photos but so far she hadn't been able to. She didn't think she could look at them without crying and she'd been working hard on not doing that so much. "I just can't do it. The thought of seeing them scares me, I'm afraid of how it'll make me feel."

"I understand." Meredith offered her a smile. "I get that it's scary and seeing them will hurt. I can't imagine how much that would hurt Iz, but you've got to do it. We could do it together." Meredith offered her another smile. She wanted her to do it, she thought it was important she could see that. "I could give them a phone call for you, maybe we could go in this afternoon."

"Yeah," She tried to smile. She didn't want to look at the photos but Meredith already had it in her head that it would be a good idea. She didn't really know what to do, they didn't have anything else planed.

"We don't have to go Iz but it might not be as bad as you think, and if it is, we've got two days to recover."

-8-8-8-8-8-

She didn't know how Meredith did it but some how she convinced her that going to the photographers was a good idea. She convinced her that today was the best day and now they were standing in front of the building. She was nervous, she could feel her heart rate starting to increase, she didn't want to be there, but she was and she wasn't going to run away.

"I'm right here with you." Meredith's voice came from beside her.

She turned to smile at her and then pushed the door open, she walked inside and slowly began to exhale. The last time she'd been there was with Alex when they'd placed the deposit on the photos.

"Hello can I help you?" A young woman behind the counter asked.

"Yes I have an appointment to look at some photos." The words came from her mouth in a confidence she was not expecting.

"Okay what name was the appointment under?"

"Karev."

The woman scanned down her booking sheet until she found the name. "Oh Mrs. Karev we've been trying to get a hold of you for weeks. Did you and Mr. Karev take a bit of an extended honeymoon?"

The woman looked at her with a smile, she didn't know what had happened, she wasn't meaning to be insensitive but the question caught her totally off guard. "Umm…yeah." She said out of reflex and the woman kept smiling at her.

"Where is Mr. Karev usually couples come together to look at these."

"He umm…" The knot which had been forming in her stomach seemed to get bigger and twist. "Where is your bathroom? I think I'm going to be sick." She placed a hand over her mouth and told herself just to hold it in.

"First door on the right." The woman said pointing down a hallway to the side, and then she took off at a run.

-8-8-8-8-8-

Meredith watched Izzie run off down the hallway, and turned to look at the woman. "Mr. Karev was killed in a car accident." She told the woman. "Please don't' ask her anymore questions, getting her here was hard enough."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know." The woman looked like a child who had just been told off. "I'm going to go find Cindy let her know that you're here."

-8-8-8-8-8-

Izzie turned the taps on at the hand basin and began splashing water over her face. She wasn't expecting the onslaught of questions, they'd caught her off guard and sent shock waves through her.

"Iz are you okay?" She hadn't heard the door open but somehow Meredith had made her way inside.

"Yeah, it was just some morning sickness. I'm okay now." She smiled as best she could and hoped Meredith would buy it. As well intentioned as her friends questioning was right now she didn't want to do it.

"Okay," Meredith didn't ask her anymore. "Are you ready to go back? That woman is gone she went to find the person we need to speak to."

"Yeah I guess." She wiped her face with a paper towel and tried to smile. She was going to do this and the sooner it started the better.

They walked back to the foyer where they found another woman waiting for them. "I'm Cindy," The woman said holding out her hand in way of introduction. "And you're Isobel and…" she looked over at Meredith unsure of who she was.

"Meredith."

"It's nice to meet you." She shook both their hands and smiled. "Follow me, I'll take you to our viewing room so you can sit down and look at your photos."

The woman walked them into a small conference type room, there was a table in the middle and four nice chairs sitting around it, in one corner was a fake fern of some description and a window which faced out into a courtyard.

Izzie and Meredith sat down in two of the chairs and the woman placed at large black folder on the table in front of them.

"In there are all your proofs," she started telling them. "You've already paid the deposit on a photobook and a collage wall hanging. You need to pick fifty photos for the book and five for the collage. If you would like any additional photos they can be added to the order, and you can also purchase an entire set of proofs."

"Okay," Izzie nodded at the woman as she talked, she was only half listening to her. For the most part she was staring at the album, she wanted to look inside of it but she was so nervous, so scared of what would happen to her once she did.

"I'm going to leave you here for a bit to look through them. If you need anything ask Alice at the front."

Izzie watched the woman leave the room, she turned to Meredith and she tried to smile.

"You can do this." She told her. "It won't be as bad as you think."

"Yeah?" She wasn't so sure about that but she wasn't going to argue. She needed Meredith to stay with her. "Okay."

She reached for the album and pulled it towards her, she ran her fingers along the edge of it and took a deep breath. She was trying to brace herself for whatever she was about to feel, for whatever emotion was about to over come her. "Okay," she said to herself and she opened the album.

"Oh my god," the words came out of her mouth in barely a whisper. She was staring at a photo of their first kiss, the one they'd done on the alter in front of everyone. They'd captured the moment when Alex has grabbed hold of her and they'd both closed their eyes. The light was shining down on them in such a way they looked like they were glowing.

"It's beautiful." Meredith whispered to her.

"Yeah," She couldn't believe how beautiful it was. With her fingers she reached down and touched it, it was real, it was really there and slowly the tears began to run down her face.

Her wedding photos were beautiful, every single one of them captured the moment in just the right light, at just the right angel, they'd paid a lot for the photographer but they'd got their moneys worth.

For two hours she turned the pages of the album, she looked at the photos over and over. The more she looked the more she cried, but they also made her smile and laugh. There was no doubt she had been happy when they were taken, there was a light in both her and Alex's eyes in every single shot and smiles which looked as genuine as they could get.

That day had been the happiest day of her life and as much as it hurt to be reminded of what could have been, remembering what they had was beautiful, remembering it and the way she felt made her feel good.

"How am I supposed to choose?" She was talking about the photos, there were hundreds of beautiful photos, she didn't know how she was supposed to pick fifty of them, let alone the five to go on a wall hanging.

"I don't know, just go with your gut." Meredith's suggestion made her laugh a little.

"My gut say I should take them all but I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because," She paused for a moment before continuing. "I can't afford to."

She hadn't talked to anyone about money, no one had asked her and she hadn't volunteered the information but the truth was she was doing it though. Alex hadn't expected to die, he thought he would live forever and she'd thought that too, neither one of them had much as far as life insurance went. The money she'd got all went to paying off his massive student loan. There was nothing left over, and she was struggling. When they brought their home they'd worked it out carefully they could afford it together but on her own it was too much. She could barely afford the photos she'd agreed to buy, getting more was out of the question.

"Help me choose."

Meredith pulled her chair up closer to Izzie's and together they began pouring over the album again. This time they pulled out photos, they marked the ones they thought they wanted and they slowly got the pile of photos down to fifty.

"You did good Iz," Meredith told her when they picked their last photo. It had taken a long time but they'd worked it out and she was happy.

"Yeah, it was good." She smiled, she felt really good about what she'd done, what she'd managed to accomplish, the photos had been something she'd been avoiding for a long time but it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. In fact she felt better than she had in a long time, she was starting to feel tried and drained but inside of herself she felt really good. "Do you want to get something to eat, I'm kind of hungry."

They finished off with the photo place as fast as they could, Izzie handed over her credit card and paid more money towards the photo package and they went back to the car. They were just about to leave when Meredith remembered something.

"I think I left my phone inside." She said and she ran back in.