After Thanksgiving the days speed by. The month of December disappeared in a flash, the days seemed to mesh into a mess of work and sleep. Izzie kept the same routine she'd had before the holiday but there was just more sleep, more rest and relaxation. She didn't have another scare and she worked her way through Christmas. She avoided the holiday by taking two days off before it, she did the same thing for New Year and now it was the second week of January, it was her birthday. She hadn't told anyone, all her friends knew when her birthday was but she hadn't mentioned it, she hadn't reminded them and she was hoping they'd forget. She didn't want to do any celebration or party with her friends. She'd never done anything with them in the past, other than a 'happy birthday' that is. Celebrating her birthday was always left to Alex, he always did something for her and she wanted to do that again. She was hoping to go home early and get some sleep. She was certain if she went to sleep she could do something with Alex. She always did things with Alex when she was asleep and every day the things she did seemed to become more and more vivid. At times her dreams seemed more real than her reality, she couldn't explain it but she didn't really care, it didn't need to be explained, it simply happening was good enough.
Now though she was sitting at a table by herself in the cafeteria, on her tray sat a large ham and roast beef sandwich. She didn't really want to eat it, she didn't like the feeling of bread in her mouth but she'd been told she needed more protein and carbohydrates, she needed to eat more. She was used to hearing that, she'd been getting the same message every week for as long as she could remember. And she was eating ,she felt like she was eating a lot, sometimes it felt like she was always putting food in her mouth but she still hadn't put on enough weight. Her baby was still smaller than they should be but everything else seemed to be normal. Every blood test she'd had taken and every ultrasound she'd had done hadn't picked up any signs of birth defects and she'd had a lot of both done. She'd been using herself as a teaching tool, letting interns practice performing ultrasounds on her. They weren't very good at it for the most part but she could guide them through it and she knew what to look for. She knew her baby was small even though only one intern had the guts to tell her.
"Izzie," she looked up saw George sitting down at the table with her. "Are you going to eat that sandwich or stare at it all day?"
"Eat it I guess." She lifted it up and took a bite of it. The sensation in her mouth was worse than she was expecting, her face screwed up and it took every ounce of her concentration to swallow.
"Not very good?" George asked and he dug his fork into the salad he'd brought.
"It tastes like cardboard." She put the sandwich back on her tray and went back to staring at it. She needed to eat it but she needed to make it taste better. She glanced over a George's tray, as well as the salad he'd brought a chocolate pudding and a bag of crisps. She reached for his pudding and pulled the top off it. She brought it to her nose and smelt it, it smelt good and then she poured it over her sandwich.
"Izzie what are you doing?" There was a shocked tone to George's voice.
"Making it taste better." She picked the sandwich up and bit into it again. The gooey chocolate taste seemed to soften the bread and it mixed with the tastes of the meat and salad in a way she had never tasted before. It tasted good, at least in that instant it tasted good and she kept eating.
"Izzie what are you eating?" She looked up and saw Meredith and Cristina joining them at the table.
"A sandwich." She bit into it again as if eating a sandwich covered in chocolate pudding was as normal as anything else.
"I can see that but what did you put on it?"
"Chocolate pudding." She bit into it again and smiled. "It tastes good. Do you want to try some?"
"I think I'll stick to the salad." Meredith smiled at her and for a minute they all sat in silence, consumed by the food they were eating.
"So Izzie," Meredith started talking to her. "I was checking the rosters and you have tonight off. I think you should come to Joe's with us for drink."
"I can't drink." The response was almost automatic, it was the same excuse she'd been using for months to avoid socializing in public.
"I wasn't suggesting you drink alcohol, Joe does serve non-alcoholic drinks." Meredith smiled at her. "It is your birthday, you should do something."
"Oh," She took another bite of her sandwich and slowly began to chew; as she did she felt the lump in her throat beginning to form. "I don't want to do something. I was going to have an early night and get some sleep. I've been really tired these last few days."
"We don't have to stay late. Just one drink." Meredith smiled at her again. "We've brought you a present. We'd like to give it to you."
"Oh," she slipped the last of her sandwich in her mouth and tried to use eating as a distraction. "You didn't have to do that."
"We know, we wanted to." Meredith smiled and she watched as the others nodded along. "Just one drink? I'll take you home afterwards."
"Okay," She'd do this one thing for her friends; they'd done so many things for her. "Just one drink." And then she reached for the pudding on Meredith's try and began eating that that as well.
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It was late by the time Izzie was ready to leave the hospital, one of her patients had started crashing and she hadn't wanted to leave them until she was sure they were stable. It had taken longer than she was expecting but in the end she'd worked it out, for now everything was okay and she was leaving. She threw her bag over her shoulder and walked out the hospital, it was a cold night and she pulled her jacket tightly around her, she shivered and thought seriously for a moment about going home but she'd told her friends she would meet them at bar. Reluctantly she walked across the street and toward The Emerald City.
It had been months since she'd been to the bar, she hadn't set foot in there since night she fainted, it wasn't her favorite place to be the smell made her feel nauseas. She was going there tonight though; she walked in the front door and searched for her friends. It only took a moment for her to find them sitting in booth by the side.
"Izzie!" George cried as she arrived beside the table. "Where have you been? Take a seat. I'll go get you a drink." He slipped out the booth and she slipped in.
She smiled at Meredith and Cristina who sat opposite her and she sat her bag beside her. "Sorry I'm late, I got caught up with a case."
"That's okay." Meredith kept smiling. "I'm glad you came, I was afraid you might have gone home."
"I thought about it." Subconsciously she rested her hands on her abdomen and closed her eyes. "I've been so tired but I said I'd come so hear I am." She plastered the biggest smile she could across her face, she held it for a second and then she started laughing, it was the fatigue, her emotions were on the edge. Meredith and Cristina started laughing too and they were still laughing when George came back carrying the drinks.
"What's so funny?" he asked sitting down beside Izzie.
"I don't know." She sucked in a breath and then looked at the drink George had brought her. It was a bright red drink in a glass which would normally be used to serve a vodka mix, the sight of it made her laugh harder. "What is that?"
"It's raspberry with lemonade, heavy on the raspberry." He smiled at her. "I thought if you can't get drunk maybe you can get hyper."
"Hyper?" She bit back more of a laugh.
"Yeah you know red food coloring makes the kids all go hyperactive anyway."
"Oh right." She picked up the drink and brought it to her mouth, it smelt strong and it tasted even stronger. It took a great deal of concentration for her not to spit the drink across the table. "No kidding bout the raspberry." She coughed and spluttered sitting the drink back on the table.
"It can't be that bad?" George picked the drink up and took a sip. Izzie wasn't kidding the raspberry taste was over powering. He screwed up his face and reached for his beer he needed something to rinse away the taste.
"Seriously?" Cristina reached for the drink and took a sip. "Erk!" She rested the drink on the table and turned to Meredith. She was now the only one on the table who hadn't tried the drink.
"I'm not tasting that." She said looking at everyone on the table. "I believe you, I'm sure it tastes horrible." They all looked back at her and then they started laughing harder. They all laughed until they started coughing, until they couldn't actually remember why they were laughing and then they laughed because they didn't know why they were laughing and then the coughing started again and Izzie let out a sigh.
"It's getting late guys." She said pointing to her watch. She'd been having fun, she'd been enjoying herself but she needed sleep and wanted to get home. She didn't want to flat out say it but she knew they had something for her and she wanted them to give it to her.
Meredith looked down at her watch too. "Wow it is getting late." She reached down under the table with one hand she pulled up a gift bag. "I guess we should give this to you then. It is from all of us. Happy Birthday."
The gift bag was pink and had paper sticking out the top of it, from the way Meredith handled it, it looked like it had a bit of weight to it.
"You guys didn't have to get me something." She said taking the bag.
"We know, we wanted to." Meredith smiled at her, she wanted her to open the bag, she could tell by the look she was giving her she wanted to see her face, her reaction.
Slowly she pulled the paper out the bag and reached inside. She wrapped her hand around the firm, hard, leatherette textured book, as soon as she was touching it she knew what it was. "Oh my god, Meredith." She whispered under her breath and she pulled out the large black photo album she had seen weeks before. "Thank you." She didn't know what else to say, she wasn't expecting it, when Meredith had told her they'd got her a present she wasn't expecting this, she wasn't expecting anything so grand. She started shaking and tears began to run down her face. She felt George wrap his arm around her and she began sobbing into his shoulder. "I'm sorry," she began saying. "I'm sorry, I'm crying, it's just…"
"Overwhelming." Meredith finished the sentence for her and reached over the table, she rested a hand on her arm. "It's okay, we get it. You can cry if you want to and you don't even have to look at it but I saw how much you wanted it. I saw how much you wanted to have it."
"Thank you."It was all she could say. Meredith was right, she didn't want to look at it right then but having it brought a warm feeling to her.
-8-8-8-8-8-8-
They stayed at the bar for another fifteen, twenty minutes after the present was given, just long enough for them to finish their drinks and Izzie to kind of stop crying. She still had tears running down her face when Meredith dropped her home but she was happy in a way. What Meredith said was right, she wanted the book, she wanted to have the photos but she didn't want to look at them, not in that instant. Instead she walked into her bedroom and sat the book on the bedside table. She changed into a pair sweat pants and a t-shirt and crawled into bed. She took the book with her, she rested it on the mattress beside her and she began running her fingers across the textured cover, she didn't open it though, instead she whispered quietly.
"Alex it's my birthday, come take me somewhere."
Then she closed her eyes and waited for it to happen. It didn't take long now; she'd almost mastered the art of falling asleep, of reaching her dream world. It only took a few minutes for reality to slip away and for her dreams to take over. That was one of the things she liked most about her new routine, about the extra rest and relaxation she had to do. She liked her dreams and she didn't feel guilty for having them. Her councilor had told her it was okay to dream about him, that is was okay for her to want to dream about him. It was okay as long as she didn't let it control her, as long as she realized it wasn't real, that she couldn't stay there, that they were only dreams, she had to keep living. She understood that and to the best of her ability that was what she was doing.
"Happy birthday Iz," Alex's voice whispered soft and sweet into her ear. She opened her eyes to see which world she was in this time. She smiled when she realized where she was, she was back in the room, the room she thought might be a hospital room, but she wasn't sure, it didn't feel like the hospital rooms she was used to but it did as well. This was the world where she felt closest to Alex where he felt the strongest, where his energy seemed to over power her own. She always felt helpless in this world, at first it had scared her, she didn't like the feeling of paralysis which seemed to over come her, she didn't like the feeling of not being able to talk, she didn't talk in this world, sometimes she tried but she was never heard, the only sound was in her head. But Alex could read her, he could always tell what she wanted, what she needed to hear, and he was always there holding her, telling her it would be okay, telling her he was right there with her and everything would be okay.
"I baked you a cake." He smiled and he pulled out the smallest cake she had ever seen, it looked more like a cupcake than a cake and it was covered in cream and frosting. She smiled at the sight, she loved that Alex always baked her a cake, he never managed to make one that tasted good but the thought was always there, he always tried. "The frosting is pretty good."
He ran his finger through the frosting and smiled. He slipped some of it into his own mouth and then scooped a second bit; he lent over closer to her and ran his finger along her lips. She opened her mouth a little and he slipped his finger inside. The sweet taste of the frosting filled her mouth and she found herself sucking on his finger. She wanted more and he obliged, he filled her mouth with frosting and she couldn't help but smile.
"I love you." He whispered to her when all the frosting was gone, when all that remained was the brown lump pretending to be a cake. She smiled up at him and tried to reach out and touch him, she could never move the way she wanted to in this world though but Alex saw what she wanted. He picked up her hand and rested it against his cheek, he held it there so she could feel his warmth and then he lent in and kissed her. She let out a soft almost inaudible moan as he pulled away, she didn't want him to go but he wasn't going anywhere. He lay down on the bed beside her and pulled his body tight against hers, he ran his fingers gently through her hair, laying like this the world seemed to slip away again and soon she was star gazing.
She was laying under a canopy of stars with Alex, and he was telling her all about them, he was telling her what the stars meant, where they were, who they were. They would watch for shooting stars and when they'd go over she would feel a warm feeling rush through her and for a moment she would go back to the other world, these times she wouldn't stay there long, just long enough for Alex to kiss her, then they would be star gazing again or on a beach laying out in the sun.
All night she slipped from world to world, over and over she celebrated her birthday with Alex. By the time morning came she had celebrated her birthday in almost every way possible and she felt great. The dreams even though they were full of action invigorated her; they made her feel good and gave her the energy she needed to get through another day. When morning came she pulled herself out of bed, she showered, ate breakfast and went to work.