Izzie sat in the residents lounge with a bunch of medical journals spread out across the table in front of her. She was trying to find a way to help her patient, Blaire Vokes. She wanted to find a way to bring her out of the state she was in which wouldn't harm her baby. She wouldn't do anything if she thought it could harm the baby but she couldn't just stand there watching them either. She wanted to help this woman and she was determined to work out a way. She was sure there was something, she was sure the woman was still there, that she was still there somewhere under all the rest of it, she just had to work out how to reach that.
"Iz, what are you doing?" She looked up and saw Meredith had walked into the room.
"Trying to work out how to help my patient."
Meredith sat down in one of the seats beside her and picked up one of the journals. She seemed to glance over it and then put it back down. "Iz, your shift finished three hours ago, it is late, you should go home."
"It is?" She glanced up at the clock and then back down at the journal she was reading. "It's only eleven, one more hour."
"Iz, you need to get some sleep, you have to be back here working in six hours."
"I know." She knew she needed to get some sleep, she was exhausted and the sleep deprivation was starting to play tricks on her mind. She hadn't told anyone but she had been seeing, hearing, smelling, and feeling Alex a lot. She would be walking down the corridor and she would hear his voice, or she would check on a patient and she'd smell him. These feelings weren't unpleasant she liked the idea that he was there with her but she knew enough as a doctor to know it wasn't exactly normal. She didn't want to go to sleep though; she'd been having nightmares.
The day she'd fainted at work had been the first day she'd them and she'd been having them every day since. Most days she'd have them at night, some where in between the dreams of darkness, of beaches, and star gazing, she would have these dreams of being pulled apart, she was almost convinced she was being abducted by aliens, but then sometimes she'd have them while she was awake. She'd be at work standing there looking at a patient chart and then she would feel pain shoot down her arms or legs and she would lose all concentration, occasionally she could make it stop but usually she had to go lay down. As soon as she did though she'd be asleep and back in that world.
"Come on Iz, I'll take you home. We can have a chat in the car." Meredith stood up and held out a hand for her. "All this work isn't good for you."
"I know." Reluctantly Izzie began closing the journals and packing up. She stuck the books inside her cubby and walked with Meredith out the hospital.
"You're starting to get big." Meredith said as they walked though the hospital. "You can't pretend you're not pregnant now."
"I haven't been able to do that for a few weeks." She smiled and she instinctively placed her hand over her belly.
"Oh," Meredith laughed. "I guess I haven't been paying much attention."
"I guess not." She ran her hands in large circles over her belly and her baby began to move. The movement made a smile spread across her face, she hadn't reached the point yet where his kicks were painful or uncomfortable, they just made her feel good, like something might be going to be alright in her life for once.
"What are you smiling about?" Meredith asked her when they reached the car.
"He's kicking do you want to feel it?"
"Okay," Meredith stepped toward her and rested her hands over her belly, just as the rain started pouring down. "How about in the car?"
Inside the car Izzie lent back in the passenger seat, she took Meredith's hand and she placed over the spot where the movement was strongest. "Can you feel it?" She asked.
"Yes," Meredith smiled at her. "They feel strong."
"He is, he's going to be strong just like his dad." The images of her son growing up made her smile more, her little Alex.
"You're having a boy then?"
"Yes," There was no doubt in her mind she was having a boy, though the truth was she hadn't looked.
"Have you thought of a name?"
"Alex," She said the name with confidence and a smile.
"Really?" Meredith looked back at her like she was surprised. "Are you sure about that?"
"Yes," There had never been any question in her mind about what her baby would be called. "I want him to know who his father is, I want him to have that piece of him, I want him to be proud of it."
"Iz are you sure naming him Alex is a good idea." There wasn't anything Meredith had against the name but she was worried it might makes things harder for Izzie in the long run. She wanted her friend to be able to move on and she thought that might make it harder.
"Yes," She wasn't sure how to make Meredith understand, "I've thought about this a lot. I want his name to be Alex."
"Okay," Meredith wouldn't push it with her more at the moment. Upsetting Izzie was the last thing she wanted to do. If she was going to push the matter, which she wasn't even sure she would do, she needed to have a good argument and some alternate suggestions. Instead she stared the engine on the car and began driving.
"Mere, I know what I'm doing." Izzie said when they reached her home. "I'm moving on, but I still want to hold on, I want to have that one little thing."
"Okay," Meredith nodded. "Goodnight Iz."
"Night Mere, thanks for the ride."
-8-8-8-8-8-
Izzie unlocked her home and flicked on the passageway light. She closed the front door behind her and looked at the pile of letters laying on the floor. On the top was a letter from the bank, she didn't need to open it to know what it said, she was about to default on her home loan and soon she'd be ordered to sell the place. She knew that's what it said but she wasn't ready to read it just yet, she wasn't ready to give up this piece of her. She left the letters sitting on the floor and she walked down to her bedroom.
She changed into a pair of sweat pants and one of Alex's old T-shirts and she crawled into bed. She curled up into a ball on her side and she closed her eyes. With one hand she began rubbing large circles over her belly and began concentrating on her breathing. She began going through the breathing exercises she taught her patients, the exercises which were designed to help them relax and stay focused on the task at hand. For her that task was falling asleep, falling asleep and not having nightmares, so far it hadn't worked but she kept trying.
It didn't take long for the darkness to come, for her to relax into a world of nothing. She was no longer afraid of the dark, she'd seen worse things than the dark, in the dark she was clam, at peace, it was bright light that scared her now, she didn't know what she'd get with the bright light. Sometimes Alex was there, when it was just him it was beautiful but sometimes the other were there too, the white people who would pull at her, make her cry and scream, not even Alex's voice could make it bearable, it hurt so much. The bright light was always followed by more darkness and then sometimes if she was lucky, she would get to go to the beach, or star gazing, or a picnic, if she was lucky she would get that too.
"Izzie," Alex's voice slowly penetrated her dream, slipped into the darkness. "Izzie," she lay perfectly still and waited for his touch, waited for that tingly sensation to run through her body. Slowly it came, his hand brushed against her cheek and she opened her eyes. "Hey beautiful." He smiled down at her and he softly kissed her. "I've been thinking we should talk about baby names. Our little girl is going to be born soon and she needs to have a strong name."
She smiled at him and tried to speak, she wanted him to know they weren't having a girl they were having a boy and she'd already pick a name. Their baby's name was going to be Alex just like his daddy. She wanted to tell him this but she couldn't talk, she could move her lips but she couldn't get any sound to come out.
"I wanted to name her Bella," Alex started saying. "Izabella that way she'll always have a bit of her mother with her." He smiled down at her but she didn't smile back she didn't want the baby to have a bit of her, she wanted her baby to have a bit of him, she tried to frown maybe that would get the message to him.
"You don't like that do you?" He asked, "I didn't think you would but I like it. If you want something else you've got to tell me." He lent down and kissed her, and again she tried to talk to him but it didn't work, the feeling was frustrating and painful so she closed her eyes again and waited to drift back to the darkness and into another place.