A/N: One more chapter to go after this! Thank you so much for all of your support, it's very much appreciated.

Chapter Forty Four

When the door closed behind Brendan, the click of the lock final and resounding, Ste pulled his knees to his chest and buried his face in them, letting the tears fall thick and fast. He didn't know how long he sat there and cried, his breath rasping, his eyes sore and red. Eventually he felt a strong pair of arms around him and instinctively he turned into the warm body, feeling its safety and solidity as a comfort.

He knew it wasn't Brendan by the smell, recognised his dad's aftershave easily. Sam didn't say a word, he simply held him and rocked him like he was a little boy all over again crying for his daddy that wasn't there. Ste's fists clenched on Sam's shirt, hiding his face in the fabric and not daring to look up. Sam rubbed soothing circles into his upper back, head resting against the top of Ste's in the familiar way they'd gotten used to in time.

With one final, choking sob, Ste pulled himself together. He slowly sat up, wiping the remainder of his tears on his sleeve and glanced up at Sam sheepishly.

"Sorry," he mumbled, voice hoarse and scratchy.

"Want to talk about it?" Sam asked gently, sweeping Ste's fringe away from his forehead. It had become flattened during the commotion with Terry. Sam paused as Ste looked at him fully, cursing under his breath when he saw what Ste must look like. "Who did this?" Sam choked on a breath. "It wasn't Brendan, was it?"

"No!" Ste shouted angrily, breathless at the accusation. "It was Terry."

Sam's face darkened. "Where is he now?"

"He left."

"For good?"

"No idea."

Sam nodded, seemingly not wanting to push the issue further right now. "We should get these sorted out," he said eventually, staring intently at Ste's face. "I'll get some warm water."

"There's no need," Ste mumbled, only now feeling the pain in his ribs, no doubt bruised or broken. "Painkillers though, please."

Sam nodded, hurriedly striding to the bathroom. He returned with a bowl of warm water and a flannel. The painkillers were in his other hand and he handed them to Ste along with a glass of water left from the night before. Ste swallowed them hastily, the water stale from being left but enough to get him to swallow.

"Where are you hurt?" Sam asked, matter-of-fact.

"My ribs," Ste winced. The pain had dulled earlier but now was practically throbbing.

"Take your shirt off," Sam instructed.

Ste blinked, perplexed. "What?"

"I need to check if your ribs are broken, you might need the hospital."

"No," Ste said quickly. "No hospital."

Sam pursed his lips at that. "Alright, as long as I'm satisfied they aren't broken."

"Even then, the hospital will only give me more pills, as usual."

"As usual?" Sam's eyebrows rose.

"Don't, Dad. Not now."

Sam frowned but said no more, instead helping Ste lift the shirt above his head. He cursed when he saw the damage. Ste brushed his fingertips lightly over the area where a purple bruise was blooming. He pressed gently, wincing at the pain but continuing regardless.

"Don't think they're broken."

"You're sure?" Sam looked uncertain. He sat on the bed once more, hands reaching out tentatively. "May I?"

Ste nodded, bracing himself.

Sam's hands were warm and firm as they gently prodded the area. "Does this hurt?"

"A little," Ste admitted. "But I can tell nothing's broken."

Sam sighed, moving his hands away. "Let's clean your face up then."

"Is it that bad?"

"No, not really." Sam gently brought the flannel over his mouth where Terry had landed his first blow. Ste winced at the contact but persevered, allowing his dad to clean away the blood. "Dare I ask where Brendan is?" He sounded disapproving, and Ste knew why. He wouldn't like the thought of Ste being left in this state.

"I asked him to spend the night at Mitzeee's."

Sam stopped his movements with the flannel and looked at Ste in surprise. "You did?"

"I needed some head space."

"Did something happen between you?"

"Not exactly." Ste's fingers tangled in his lap. "I just got scared."

"Of him?" Sam pressed, confused.

"No. Of losing him."

"I don't understand. You sent him away because you were scared of losing him?"

Ste smiled in spite of himself. "Careful, Dad. Might think you care."

"Of course I care." Sam sighed heavily. "I want to be supportive, of both of you. It's what I'm here for."

"He's only gone for the night," Ste explained. "By tomorrow…" he drifted off, wary of Sam's reaction to his next words.

"Tomorrow what?"

Ste looked at his dad carefully, feeling very small all of a sudden. "We've been talking about leaving for a while."

"Leaving?" Sam repeated, stunned. "Why?"

"This place," Ste began, looking around the flat. "I love it here, I really do, but sometimes it's too much, the memories. I think we need time for just us, no one interfering."

"Is this about me? I told you I want to be supportive-"

"It's not you," Ste reassured him quickly. "Not anymore. It's not even Terry really." Ste paused, wondering how to explain himself adequately. "I know if we stay here something could happen and we'd have to fight for us all over again."

"What makes you think leaving would be any easier? You'll still have to be around other people."

"But we won't know them, it'll be a fresh start." Ste sighed. "I'm not saying it'll be forever because we can't move around without stopping somewhere but I think we just need to figure out where that should be."

Sam sagged, bringing his hands to his face. "This is a lot to take in."

"I'm sorry, I know it seems sudden."

"Tomorrow you said. Tomorrow."

"We won't go far, not at first. We were just gonna get in the car and drive somewhere. You'd be able to come see us still."

"But this is your home, our home."

"I know, I'm not even sure it's gonna happen yet. Brendan said for me to think about it and he'd be waiting for me tomorrow."

"An ultimatum then?"

"A what?"

"Never mind." Sam took his hands away from his face, looking at Ste gravely. "I can't stop you from going."

"I wouldn't blame you if you tried."

"It's just… I've only just found you. It feels too soon."

Ste blinked, feeling more tears form in his eyes. "Since Brendan got out of prison it's been one thing after another, we haven't really had the time to be with each other, to talk about the things we need to talk about."

"I can give you more space, I can move out if you need me to."

"Dad, please don't make this harder."

"I'm sorry." Sam bowed his head. "I'm going to miss you though." He looked up again then, pressing his lips together firmly as though holding himself together.

"I'll miss you too." Ste leaned back against him, Sam's arms immediately curling around him and holding him close. "Just me and you tonight, yeah? Like old times."

Sam nodded, his arms tightening around him.

Xxx

"I'd do anything to protect ye… I can't be sorry for that."

Brendan walked through the village, hearing those words resonate in his head.

It was such an easy expression for some people; I'll protect you, I promise. Most of the time it was meaningless and when things really got tough, people bailed. Sometimes the words themselves weren't made clear. Sometimes all it took was an act. Brendan killing Danny had been an act of protection. Killing Walker had partly been that, partly been revenge and satisfaction.

Whenever Brendan considered protection these days, he thought back to his Nana. He remembered the fear in her eyes when she told him she'd known all along what his father did to him. Brendan remembered screaming at her that she could have stopped him somehow, the words he'd used a jumble of mindless rage and agony. He was bigger than me in every way. But sometimes the action didn't need to be violent. Brendan remembered one summer when he was about nine years old. He'd started wetting the bed again and no one understood why. His dad was always kind about it, on the surface. Always willing to change Brendan's sheets. One night his Nana told him he was to stay in her bed. Brendan didn't think anything of it at the time. Adults in his bed was no mystery to him. This wasn't the same. His Nana gave him hot chocolate before bed and winked at him kindly, telling him tonight was when it would all change, no more bed wetting. Brendan remembered her locking the door and only reflecting on it now did he remember the tremor in her hand as she did so. He remained dry all night long. His Nana insisted that he remain with her the rest of the summer, in her opinion to alleviate the habit. Seamus hadn't approved of it of course, but he couldn't argue it in front of the entire family, and that was when his Nana suggested it.

It only lasted that summer. Back at home, Brendan was told he was too big to sleep in his Nana's bed. The bed wetting stopped, but the rest didn't. That was the thing about protection. Consistency was vital. Brendan hated his Nana for that more than the times she turned a blind eye for the simple reason that she'd once tried to protect him and then she'd given up. Hope was a dangerous emotion, and yet here Brendan was, hoping against all odds that Steven would come back to him, that he'd let Brendan protect him forever. It was ingrained in Brendan to protect the people he loves. Unlike his Nana, it was a commitment he wasn't willing to break.

Somehow Brendan ended up outside Mitzeee's place. He knocked once, twice, before the door swung open and she was stood there, hands on her hips.

"What have you done this time?" She demanded, half-joking, half-serious.

A strong brew later and Brendan had told her everything. She'd interjected a few times, as was her way, but had silenced at the look on Brendan's face.

"So let me get this straight, no pun intended; Ste sent you away because he's scared of losing you? That doesn't make a lick of sense."

Brendan shook his head. "He doesn't want to hope that I'll always be there for him, after I left him before."

Mitzeee frowned at that. "It's not like you had a choice."

"Didn't I?" Brendan leaned back heavily on the sofa. "I don't regret saving my sister, I don't. But from Steven's perspective I admitted to all those other murders."

"Which you weren't convicted of in the end," Mitzeee pointed out.

"Steven wasn't to know that, was he? Then I turn up here and expect everything to go back to normal."

"And hasn't it?"

Brendan shrugged, feeling useless. "I thought we were okay. Besides Samuel, and Terry, and Amy." Brendan sighed. "That's why we want to leave, I guess."

"Leave?" Mitzeee spluttered.

"It's been on the table for a while, in my mind anyway."

"Don't you like it here anymore?" Mitzeee asked, voice very small.

Brendan glanced at her briefly, forced smile in place. "How can I, Anne? After what happened here? I go back to the club and he's there. I don't tell Steven. I want him to believe that I'm okay, that I'm dealing. But then people are always pushing him away from me and I can't just allow it to happen anymore, I can't."

"You need him more than he realises," Mitzeee said softly, touching his arm briefly.

"It's not about that, not really. It's always been this way. I used to watch him when he worked at the club with me, before we even went there. Just watch him. The way he'd smile and light up a room, the way he curled in on himself when he was nervous. Jesus, the curve of his arse in those trousers." Mitzeee grinned. "When I had him, that was it. He was mine. It was… unthinkable to think otherwise. I wanted him so badly."

"It wasn't just physical," Mitzeee said, leaning forwards intently. "For a long time I thought it was, when I'd think back on it. But even before you really knew you wanted him, he was there." Mitzeee patted his chest.

"When I used to hit him," Brendan felt his gut twist at the thought. "It was like I wasn't really there, like it was someone else doing it and I was trapped, screaming for it to stop. It wasn't about him, he knew that, it was about me and everything I couldn't deal with. It never stopped. Even now I wonder sometimes-"

"No," Mitzeee interrupted, voice firm. "You wouldn't, not now."

"I did though, before I went inside."

"I know that, but you were a different person then."

"I wanted to kill Terry tonight. I didn't care how. I just wanted him dead. I stopped myself for Steven's sake. It wasn't down to me, he had to take the power back."

"It's not about that anymore, Brendan. You have changed, more than you realise. You know how to control yourself, and even if you didn't, you know you'd lose him."

"I never lost him before, when I did it."

"Not forever, no. But you've really lost him now, you've felt that finality. It changes a person, I know it does."

"It's not like Riley."

"I'm not saying it is. Riley died, no more final than that, but you as good as died to Ste, that's how he felt. He had no idea you'd be able to come back and neither did you at first."

"It wasn't living, what I was doing in there."

"Exactly."

"No, Anne." Brendan stood up and began to pace. "It doesn't work that way. I'm capable of hitting him again, it's in me. It's not something that can be talked away, no matter how much time has passed."

Mitzeee stood with him, grabbing his shoulders firmly. "Then stop talking about it and think. You took the time tonight to think about how killing Terry would affect him, that's what you need to keep doing. I'm not saying it's a cure, of course I'm not, but you have to believe it, Brendan otherwise things will never change."

Brendan bowed his head, defeated. "What am I supposed to do now?"

"You're supposed to do as he asked and give him time to think. If it's right, he'll be there tomorrow night. I believe that." She gave him a little shake as if to reiterate her point and then smiled. "Promise me one thing though."

"Anything," Brendan murmured.

She smiled. "Make sure we get to visit sometime, okay? Phoenix looks on Ste like a dad, and actually I do love having you both around."

"I can do that." Brendan smiled, pulling Mitzeee in close. "Thank ye, Anne."

"It's okay, it's what I'm here for."

Brendan pulled away to look at her closely. "Not that I approve of this kind of thing but… if ye ever find someone who makes ye happy, don't hold back. Time is short and-"

"I'm too pretty to be left on the shelf," Mitzeee teased. "I'll bear it in mind."

Xxx

Ste didn't remember falling asleep that night. He found himself in bed, covers pulled up to his chin and a fresh glass of water beside the bed. Sam, no doubt. He felt cold all over and instinctively rolled across the bed to drape himself across Brendan and steal his constant heat. He found nothing but bedcovers and took a moment to realise that Brendan wasn't there. The thought made his chest flutter almost painfully and he realised that sending Brendan away hadn't been what he really wanted.

With this revelation he washed and dressed, maroon tracksuit jacket that was soft all over and black jogging bottoms that Brendan had constantly told him hugged his arse just right. Ste smiled at the thought and grabbed the suitcase from under his bed, ordering his clothes before packing them.

Sam had already disappeared, leaving only a note to say he'd be back soon and for Ste to not go anywhere without him. Ste folded up the note and discarded it, flinging his jacket on and heading out into the cold, bitter air. He stopped by the deli to sort out the paperwork with Doug, pleased when he was told the deli had found a buyer already. The money wouldn't be sorted for a few weeks but Ste remembered Brendan telling him they were covered regardless.

Ste's next stop was Mitzeee's flat. He was hoping to find Brendan there to put them both out of their misery but Phoenix answered the door instead, huge grin on his face.

"Ste!" He said excitedly, holding out his arms for Ste to cuddle him. "Are you really going away?"

"Who told you that?" Ste asked, closing the door behind him.

"Brendan." Mitzeee came out of the bedroom, putting her earrings in as she walked towards him.

"Is he still here?"

Mitzeee shook her head. "He went to sort some things out for your trip, if you're planning on turning up that is."

"What do you think?"

Mitzeee smiled knowingly. "I told him it would be fine."

"Can we come?" Phoenix asked enthusiastically.

"You can visit," Ste said, sitting on the sofa and ushering for Phoenix to join him. He wrapped his arms around the little boy. "I don't want you to think we're leaving you, okay?"

"I know that," Phoenix said, amusingly exasperated in a way only a child could be. "Mummy said we can go on holiday too."

"Well ours isn't exactly a holiday," Ste pointed out. "We might be gone for a while."

"How long?" Phoenix asked, looking suddenly serious.

"I couldn't really say for sure."

"We talking years?" Mitzeee asked disapprovingly.

"No! At least, I don't think so. Months probably, until we decide what we want."

"Brendan, you want Brendan."

Ste smiled. "That's right. But you're important to me too, you and your Mum."

"That's what Brendan said," Phoenix replied, crossing his arms and poking his tongue out at Ste.

"He says the right thing sometimes," Ste joked, feeling a pang at the thought of nothing being certain if he couldn't find Brendan before tonight.

"I think Brendan knows you'll choose to be with him," Mitzeee said as if reading his thoughts. "He wouldn't be sorting everything out otherwise."

Ste shook his head. "He'd do it anyway, because he wouldn't stay here without me."

Mitzeee grimaced. "You're right, I got the gist of that last night."

"We should have left the minute he returned."

"Don't be silly. It's a good thing that you stuck around. You can't always run away from the past, as I well know."

"What made you come back here again?" Ste asked, genuinely curious.

Mitzeee shrugged. "It felt like home. Doesn't it feel the same for you?"

"I don't know," Ste admitted honestly. "I don't think it does for Brendan."

"That's not surprising." Mitzeee sighed. "How's Sam taken the news?" She added, cheeks flushing pink.

Ste raised his eyebrows. "Why are you asking after dad?"

"I'm just interested, that's all."

"In him?"

"Ste!"

"Oh God, you are!" Ste's eyes widened in disbelief.

"No, of course not!" Mitzeee flushed further. "He's a good friend."

"Since when?" Ste squawked.

"None of your business," Mitzeee told him haughtily. "Listen, this isn't about me. How is he really?"

Ste frowned. "Okay, I think. He doesn't want me to go obviously."

"Obviously." Mitzeee repeated.

"In fact, he asked me not to leave the flat without him."

"I'm not surprised, look at what happened with Terry."

"Least it's not visible," Ste said quietly, rubbing his stomach absently.

"You're okay?" Mitzeee asked, concerned.

"Nothing a little TLC won't fix." Ste grinned.

"You won't mind taking Phoenix to nursery then?" She asked, smiling apologetically at him.

"You're gonna need a new babysitter, you," Ste teased, shaking his head and standing up.

"Irreplaceable," Mitzeee said, half-serious. "You'll miss us too much anyway so you'll be back."

"Hmm, we'll see."

Xxx

Brendan had enough money in his direct debit account to keep them going for a while. He'd booked a hotel a few miles away to start them off while they decided on what they wanted to do. That was depending of course on whether Steven was coming with him.

He was already waiting in his car an hour from nightfall, prepared to wait all night for Steven to turn up if he had to. The heating was blasting at full power and he had his music on low, naturally Johnny Cash. He was disturbed almost straight away by a tap on his window. He sighed when he saw Samuel, stepping out of the car and into the cold wind.

"Alright?"

"Can we talk? Inside?" Samuel asked, hands clutched together in an attempt to keep them warm.

"Where's Steven?"

"He went back to Mitzeee's for a bit."

"Did he say what he was planning on doing?"

Samuel shrugged, beginning to move inside the flat. "Come in and maybe I'll tell you."

Brendan sighed before following him inside, closing the door behind him.

"Coffee?" Samuel offered.

Brendan nodded, sitting on the edge of the sofa as Samuel busied himself in the kitchen. Brendan looked around the flat, taking it all in and preparing himself to say goodbye, at least for a little while.

A thought occurred to him while Samuel returned with the coffee. "Are ye gonna stay here, Samuel?"

Samuel blinked in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"If Steven leaves, will ye stay here or sell it on?"

Brendan wasn't sure what he wanted the answer to be. This place held a lot of good memories for them. It was the one place that had felt like home when Seamus had been in the village. He held himself together at the thought, staring at Samuel directly.

"Of course I'll stay, it's Steven's home," Samuel said as if it was obvious.

"Won't feel the same without him though," Brendan pointed out, not to be cruel.

"Maybe." Samuel admitted. "In that case I'll find somewhere else, but that doesn't mean I have to give this place up. I can afford both after all."

Brendan nodded, staring down at the mug in his hands. "Does this mean he's coming with me?"

"That's really up to him, isn't it?"

"But ye know if he is or isn't," Brendan pressed.

"Whether I do or not is irrelevant. He could change his mind."

Brendan began to laugh, feeling almost giddy with it. "Will ye ever give me a break?"

"Will you?"

Brendan's smile faded as he stared at the older man.

"We have a lot in common, you and me. We both want Steven to be safe and happy. We both want to be the person to do that."

"Is that right?"

"You know it is," Samuel said levelly. "Fact is, Steven wants you."

Brendan felt uncomfortable all of a sudden. "What do ye mean?"

Samuel shook himself, meeting Brendan's gaze. "I didn't mean it like that. I meant that Steven wants to stay with you, not me."

"Right," Brendan said, feeling less uneasy.

"It's taken me a while to accept that but I do."

"Really?" Brendan asked sceptically.

Samuel smiled at that. "He's still my son, Brendan. I'll always be here for him. As much as I want you to return as soon as possible, I understand it isn't my choice."

"I can't give ye an estimate."

"I know that. All I want from you is a promise: that you'll protect him no matter what."

Brendan felt himself beginning to smile. "That's part of the problem really. He doesn't want me to protect him."

Samuel shook his head. "That's not it. He's scared of losing you. He just needs to know you're always gonna be around."

"No one can promise that."

"Then don't. Show him."

Brendan coughed awkwardly. "The wedding kind of did that itself."

Samuel sighed. "After Terry it all became more real, for all of us. Actions can often speak the loudest, if we let them."

"Always been my philosophy," Brendan murmured. "Not always for the better."

"No." Samuel's face darkened a little. "Saying that, I trust you."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I trust you."

Brendan blinked, for once lost for words.

"I trust you with my son. Do you know how difficult that is for me?"

"What changed?" Brendan managed to say.

"It wasn't a light bulb moment or anything. It's been a gradual process and it hasn't been easy."

"After everything ye did to try and split us up?"

Samuel shook his head, looking sad. "That was more about me than you. I gather you realised that for yourself though."

Brendan nodded, feeling numb. "I'm no good," he said eventually.

Samuel raised his eyebrows at that. "Do you think I'd trust Steven with you if I thought you were a monster? No."

"I've hurt him."

"I'm well aware of that."

"This doesn't make sense." Brendan stood up, beginning to pace.

"Let me ask you something, Brendan. Besides your unease about me sometimes, do you trust me with Steven?"

Brendan looked at him incredulously. "Ye really want an answer to that?" Samuel nodded, strangely calm. Brendan swallowed down his initial reaction, the one that told him no one could be trusted with his Steven. In spite of that, he begrudgingly had to accept that Samuel had a place in Steven's life. While he wouldn't hesitate in challenging him if the need presented itself, Brendan found that he did trust Samuel. With Steven at least. He trusted that he loved him, that he wanted to protect him like Brendan did. For the first time Brendan looked into Samuel's eyes and almost saw himself reflected back at him. He had never believed it to be possible that a father's love could be genuine or untainted, but Samuel had somehow proved him wrong.

Samuel was still patiently waiting for an answer but all Brendan could do was nod before him let himself out, not knowing what else he could possibly say.

Xxx

It was eight o'clock and Ste was running for his life. He wasn't running from something this time around, but to his life. Brendan.

By the time he reached the flat he was out of breath, panting as the air fogged around him. He couldn't see Brendan at first but he saw his car, heart lifting at the sight of it.

"Brendan?" He called, feeling his throat tighten from the run and the cold. When he received no response he faltered, feeling that same doubt he'd once felt in Dublin when he'd woken up in bed alone.

"Not getting rid of me that easy, Steven," Brendan said, stepping out of the shadows like some kind of superhero.

Ste felt his face split in two, grinning wildly as he flung himself at Brendan full force, almost unsteadying him.

"Woah, watch it. You're still injured, remember?"

"I don't care," Ste clung to him with all his strength.

"I was beginning to think ye weren't coming."

"Don't be soft. I already put my case in your boot."

Brendan pulled away to look at him, bemused and elated.

"You don't think I have a copy of your car keys?" Ste scoffed, feeling particularly smug.

"Ye gonna go for a joyride or something?" Brendan cocked an eyebrow.

"Shut up," Ste gave him a little shove, and then a little kiss which turned into a longer kiss. Eventually Brendan had to push against his chest gently to calm him down.

"Save it for the hotel," Brendan whispered into his ear.

"Hotel?" Ste's eyes lit up. He loved hotels.

"Only the best for my boy."

"You big softie," Ste teased, sliding into Brendan's car as he held the door open for him.

"Don't tell anyone, yeah? Don't want to ruin my good reputation."

"Course not." Ste grinned at him.

"Ye sure about this?" Brendan asked once he too was inside the car. His hand was on the ignition, looking suddenly unsure.

"Let's not waste anymore time," Ste said, reaching across the seat to give Brendan a soft kiss.

That was all the answer Brendan needed as he started up the engine and drove away from the village, Johnny Cash as their soundtrack.