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Remus Lupin's Greatest Secrets
He felt robbed, he always had felt robbed. He was only a little boy when he was bitten so, in a way, he was robbed. He was robbed of his innocence, his sense of fun, his life as a normal little boy. He was robbed of seeing his parents look at him without fear and suspicion in their eyes but rather with love and pride. He was robbed of going to school like a normal boy; he was robbed of the anticipation of his first act of magic or the letter from Hogwarts. He always regretted the fact that he had missed out on so much, and he blamed Greyback for robbing him of his childhood and the childhood of hundreds of others.
When he went to Hogwarts for the first time, he refused to allow himself to believe that people actually liked him or that the teachers didn't look at him with fear and pity but rather with pride when they saw him perform spells correctly for the first time or when they gave him back homework that had been given an exceptionally high grade. And for the first time in his life, he had friends, friends who didn't seem to care that he was quiet and pensive or even that he transformed into a monster every month. His gratefulness turned into brotherhood and love towards James and Sirius and Lily and even Peter.
He loved being top in his class, or at least one of the top along with James and Sirius and Lily. He always felt like he had something to prove to the world, that Dumbledore hadn't made a mistake by letting him into the school. It wasn't until they had graduated that he realized that each of his friends felt that they had something to prove as well. He knew Lily wanted to make sure that she was on top to prove that even muggleborns could excel. But he never honestly thought that James or Sirius felt the same way about their studies or about pranks. So when he found out, he felt horrible, because he was supposed to be the sensitive one who knew everything. But how could he stand up to his stereotype if he didn't even know his friends as well as he thought he did?
When James and Sirius first suggested the idea of becoming animagi, he felt guilty all over again. After all, he put them in danger every month just by being a werewolf. Now, they wanted to do something possibly life changing just to be with him when he could kill them without knowing what he was doing. But when he saw the determination in their eyes and he realized what could possibly happen if they succeeded, he grudgingly agreed and hit the books. He was surprised when he saw them transform for the first time but he knew that, unlike Peter, Sirius would do anything he put his mind to and James would die to help someone he honestly cared about so he really didn't know why he was so surprised.
He met Lily in his first year, during the sorting, and, until their sixth year, remained the only marauder that she honestly could stand. So, as their friendship grew, he began to see how perfect Lily was for James. He was the one who told her that, if they were able to get along for an hour without her killing him, then she would understand why he was friends with James. He knew that they would end up together. Because they were both kind and sensitive with a temper. Because he was the only one who saw the smile in her eyes when, in her sixth year, she saw James helping a first year with a levitation spell. He was the only one who saw the love in his eyes when he saw her laughing. And he knew that, no matter how he felt about her, Lily would always belong with James.
He loved Harry from the moment he saw him, but for an instant, he was jealous. Sirius was Harry's godfather. Sirius was James's best man. Sirius was James's first choice as secret keeper. Once Lily learned to like him, she and Sirius treated each other like brother and sister at once. As always, he felt subordinate to Sirius. He never told anyone but, when Sirius was named the traitor, he couldn't believe it. Because Sirius never betrayed his friends, because Sirius was the one who James trusted more than anything else. And how…how could Sirius be the cause of all his misery?
His greatest regret was that he didn't visit Harry, or take Harry in. While he pretended that it was for Harry's own good that he doesn't live with him because of his condition. While he pretended that it was on Dumbledore's orders that he didn't visit Harry, he couldn't deny the true reason. Because every time he saw Harry, even in pictures, it was like reliving Sirius's betrayal, like reliving the loss of the only family he's ever known. Because it was hard enough seeing Lily's eyes on James's face when he was a teacher much less while Harry was growing up. Because it was hard enough to see Lily's kindness and James's determination and their intelligence twelve years after their deaths. Because it was hard enough to see Harry's patronus to take the form of a stag more than twenty years after he'd seen James transform for the first time. He could barely stand to see Harry during his time at Hogwarts without crying. He couldn't raise Harry because the pain was too much to bear.
When he saw Sirius again that year, when he saw Peter again that year, his first reaction was disbelief. After all, Sirius betrayed them and Peter was dead. But when he saw Sirius's gray eyes again after twelve years look at him with the same desperation that he saw when Sirius was apologizing for trying to trick Severus into seeing him as a werewolf and when Remus had considered not forgiving him. When he saw Harry standing in front of them, demanding the truth, his disbelief changed to relief. He'd lost all his friends but found one again. Sirius hadn't betrayed them. But when Harry stopped them from killing Peter, he knew that Harry would make his parents proud, that Harry was as much Lily in his mercy and belief in the best of people as he was James in his detestation for the dark arts and his devotion to his friends. He knew that Harry would be the one to bring down Voldemort.
The first time he met Tonks, he liked her. Then, when they joined the Order together, she became his best friend, right after Sirius. He realized he loved her when, after telling her about his friendship with James and Lily, her eyes became the most brilliant shade of green, the same color and shape as both Lily and Harry. So when he asked her to marry him, he felt the same guilt he felt every time he thought about Sirius and James's determination to become animagi for him. But she said yes. And he regretted leaving her for the rest of his life because Tonks was everything to him, especially after Sirius died.
He loved Teddy even more than he loved Tonks and, when he left to fight, he knew that he would be doing James and Sirius and even Lily proud. But when he saw Greyback attacking children, he couldn't help himself. Because no one should have to suffer through what he did. But Dolohov got to him first and he knew that he would never see his son again. So when he saw Dolohov send a flash of green towards him, it was the green of Lily's eyes he saw, it was the blackness of James's hair, it was the love he felt for his family and friends and the last thing he felt was Tonks's hand in his as they embarked on death together.
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