Ah! The dreaded post-Stan By Me one-shot that everyone does! I was the only one who did not do one, I figure that I should get with it! Here is chapter three everyone! This chapter is actually entitled "If There's a Load you have to bear." And just knowing those two things I'm sure you can all ready tell that she's going to go running to Marshall. I know that I said about making the third chapter "Duplicate Bridge," But I figured that I was behind because I hadn't done anything set right after "Stan By Me." Three reviews required for the next chapter, however, feel free to leave more than that too XD! You guys are all so awesome!! Putting up with my crazed obsession with reviews! I hope you all enjoy this. No flames here.
If There's a Load You Have To Bear
I toss and turn in my bed, visions of the preceding events haunting me every time my eyes shut. I can't hold still. I can't calm down. I feel as though an iron hand has taken a hold of my heart and has begun to squeeze. Memories of the man who had shot Chuckles and the blood that had spattered over my all ready exhausted and dirty body chill me. Shivers run down my spine as the feeling of that man- the one whose nose I had broken –and his hands being on my body, threatening to take not only my life but my body as well, returns once more.
I can't describe how empowered I had felt, even while being in pure survival mode, when I had head butted him. Tricking him into turning me to face him, now that I look back at it, makes me feel like I hadn't been a total weakling. I hate to feel as though I'm not in charge, and well, being kidnapped and tied up and all, it's hard to be in charge of anything.
Glancing over at my clock, I notice that it's now just after 2:30 in the morning. I roll my eyes. Damn clock… I push the covers back roughly, climbing out of bed and heading into the kitchen.
Pacing back and forth wildly, I try to think of something that I can do…some way that I will no longer have to be like this. I don't want to have all these conflicting thoughts and emotions right now. I need to keep calm or I know I'll go crazy. But what the hell can I do to help myself?
I pick up the phone. What the hell am I doing with the phone? How's that going to solve my crisis? I push through the list of received calls unconsciously, not watching as my hand pushes talk on one of the numbers. I make a face and stare at the phone as it rings, wondering who it was that I had called. My answer comes as soon as they answer.
"Pizza King?" Marshall says, trying to be funny. "We have a special today on one large pepperoni pizza. It's free, all you have to do is say the magic word."
I am silent for a moment or so. Un-funny jokes? At a time like this, doesn't he know better? I hear the pizza box close on the other end of the phone and he places it down onto his coffee table.
"Mare?" My eyes widen as he says my little nickname, knowing that I have worried him. I have to say something or he might think that I'm in danger or something.
"Uh…Marshall…" That wasn't exactly what I thought I was going to say, but something is better than nothing. At least now he knows that I'm not being kidnapped again or whatever it is he must be thinking right now. I just don't need him worrying needlessly any more for me than he all ready has. It's not fair to him at all.
"Mare, what's going on? Why are you up? You should be asleep." He scolds and I hear him get up.
Shrugging to myself, I turn toward the kitchen window, staring outside into the dark of the night. "I'm not five Marshall. I can stay up late. I can't sleep. It's well…you know." And he does. I don't need to elaborate anymore and I don't want to. I'm glad, for once, that he's so good I knowing what I need.
"Well, do you want me to come over there? If there's something you need, just tell me." I nod to no one in particular before replying and clear my throat.
"Uh…yeah, just come over here for a little bit…that sounds good…" I can't even form full sentences. All I am able to do is just blurt out half-assed, weak responses and string them all together. He must be able to sense that I am falling apart here, and fast.
"Okay, just at least sit down on the couch. I will be there as fast as I can." He tells me this and I hit the end button on the phone, disconnecting the call. For a moment I just stand in the kitchen, leaning on the countertop. I can't help but ponder, for all of about two seconds, why it was Marshall I had called. And I hadn't even been focusing on it or thinking about it. I just…called him. And now he is going to come over here and see me like this. Oh god, what have I gotten myself into?
I go over to the couch and curl up into a ball, trying desperately not to break down and start bawling. I just feel so…so…it's just indescribable. It's pain. It's rage. It's fear. It's relief. How can I be feeling all of these things at the same time? How is it that I can be relieved and terrified at the same time? I guess it's just another dumb side effect of the whole kidnapping deal. Boy, being kidnapped sucks!
After just a few short minutes, there is a soft knock on my door. I don't hesitate. I know who it is and beat feet to the door, pulling it open.
He looks down upon me, his eyes filled with concern. His hair is messy and unkempt, as if he had all ready been asleep once tonight and had woken up again. He holds the pizza box in one hand and a movie in the other. I glance from the objects in his hands back up to his eyes again.
He chuckles softly. "Don't worry, I'm not going to attempt to explain Back to the Future to you tonight of all nights. You hardly get it under normal circumstances."
I shake my head. "I don't ever and won't ever get it, Marshall. Come on in." I move aside, pulling the door with me and allowing him to walk in.
We sit for a while, watching the movie without talking. The pizza is thus far, untouched. Marshall reaches for it and I look at him. "Do you want some? I know you must be hungry." I don't want to eat, but I am very hungry. I nod at my partner.
"Yeah, sure." He pulls two pieces of pizza from the box.
"Here," Marshall holds it out to me, but it's a few seconds before I reach up and take it from him. He watches me, observing and probably making a mental note of my reaction. I take one bite of the pizza, realize how good it tastes and begin to literally devour it. I pick up another piece and quickly eat that too. Marshall's eyes never leave me once and, finally having had enough, I stare back at him.
"Marshall, what?" I question, still swallowing my food and thinking how annoying it is to have someone stare at me while I'm eating. He sighs, placing his slice of pizza back into the box and looking at me. Why do I suddenly feel as if I've just done something wrong? Was it a mistake to call him? Wait...none of that mattered before. He's my partner, it's part of his job- and a big part at that -to look out for me and be there for me.
"I don't understand something," He begins, moving back and turning toward me slightly. I nod at his statement, willing him to go on. Right now, I just need someone to be with me so much that nothing else matters. I want to hear him talk, even if it's going to be something that I normally wouldn't want to hear. "Why was it...that you called me?"
When he asks this, I am surprised enough to not be able to answer at first. Why would I call him? Well, if I had known why at the time I placed that call- which I still don't know why it had been him either -I would say that I called him because he's my only friend. I can't talk to Raf. Raf's not even around. Mom all ready knows everything and she's not much help anyway. Brandi...well, god only knows what's going on with her now. Stan? Why would I call Stan? I know he's my boss, but I can't imagine that I'd want to talk to him anymore beyond what he had heard all ready at the police station. Marshall. I guess the reason that my fingers automatically found his number in the call list is mainly because he's the only one that I can depend fully on. He's the only one that I can trust with my life and my concerns. While I know that it gets to be too much for him sometimes, most of the time I'm glad I have him.
"Did you not want me to call you?" I find myself blurting out angrily. "Did I bother you? Well, correct me if I'm wrong but I thought that's what friends do..." I drone.
He cuts me off here. "Mare! Hey, calm down. That's not what I meant and you and I both know that. So, even though being rational is very hard at a time like this, you need to try." He finishes as I stare. My eyes fall to the couch. Why does he want this answer anyway? What difference will it make if he knows?
"Why?" I question, watching as his eyes narrow a bit in confusion.
"Why what?" Marshall shoots back, still looking somewhat confused. This has to be the one time that he doesn't know what I'm talking about before I do?
Rolling my eyes, I make my reply. "Why do you want to know?"
Marshall shrugs at this. "I guess I just am curious about it."
I nod. Pretty reasonable, I'd say. It's just hard for me to be anything but completely irrational right now. Who can blame me? This is how you're supposed to be after being kidnapped, right? "Marshall," I reach out, placing a hand on his arm. He watches me carefully, but makes no move for me, something I am thankful for. I don't think that I feel up to being touched quite yet. But I'm also not entirely sure of what I do feel either. "You're my only friend." He nods at my statement. "There wasn't anyone to call but you."
"All right." He says after I silence, not planning on saying any more. I am too wrought with emotion right now. "So you just needed someone and it didn't matter who. I get that now. What do you want me to do? Do you want to talk? Do you want to not talk? We'll just do whatever you need to do."
Well, that sounds like a damn good offer to me. I nod, tears welling up in my eyes. I will it to stop. I don't want to cry, not in front of Marshall. I hear the shortening of his breath and I know that he's worried for me. I feel it as he begins to move closer. At first hesitant to be touched, I shy away. However, this does not discourage him and he continues to carefully move into a hug. Once his arms come around me, once I can feel that there is someone with me...someone here who knows what to do, I melt into the embrace. I just can't help myself right now. I'm not strong enough to resist or push him away. I lean onto his shoulder, allowing the tears to fall. His hand runs comfortingly through my hair. Strange, his touch is the one that doesn't make me sick right now.
Before I know what I have done, I hear him ask, "Why did you just kiss my neck?"
I blink a few times, confused as to why he would be asking me such a thing, until I remember that I had kissed him. His question is confusing to me, and I don't want to answer it anyway, so I just reply with the first thing that comes to mind. "You said that we can do whatever I need..." I trail off. It's not the best of defenses, however, it's at least plausible. Plus, I know how Marshall feels. He knows that I know. Why would he care if we kissed or whatever right now? I'm not in my right mind and the two of us can just forget it and move on from it like we always do.
Marshall pushes me away gently. "You don't need this." He slides back from me as well, trying to distance himself from me. I don't want him to go. I need him to be close to me because being alone really sucks.
"How do you know?" I think that's the stupidest thing that I've ever heard myself say. But, shockingly, I continue with that defense. "How do you know what I need? Marshall...I...I don't know what I need..."
He shakes his head at me. "I just know."
I hate it when he does this. I especially hate it right now. Why can't he just leave me be? He just has to make things difficult, and here I had thought that he wouldn't mind. I guess I should have assumed that he'd make this difficult. Slowly, I shift toward him on the couch, following him as he attempts to retreat. "I don't get you Marshall." I tell him matter-of-factly.
He seems to know what I'm talking about. "Mary, this isn't what you need. You're just confused right now and you're looking for a release. But you can't choose this one." He backs away from me until he's against the armrest.
"Why can't I? Right now, it's what I need." I whisper. He just stares at me, his eyes softening for a moment, before becoming serious again. He places a hand on each of my shoulders.
"It may be what you think you need, but you don't. I'm not like you either, I won't do this just because it'll feel good." When he finishes speaking, I just look at him, stung that he would say something like that. Not like me? Why would he say that? I nod at him, knowing that he all ready is making a face as if he didn't expect me to take it like that.
"Why? Why are you doing this? I thought that you..." I shake my head. How in the hell could I have misread all those signals? Am I really that crazy? He takes my hand just as I begin to second guess myself.
"You are right Mare." He says, almost in a shy tone. My eyes meet and lock with his. He continues. "But you can't do this now. You were almost raped tonight, I would think...according to your earlier reactions that you are disgusted by being touched. I would be if it were me."
I shake my head at him. "I'm not you. Please...stop arguing with me Marshall, I'm not up for this tonight. Just please..." But instead of complying, he just moves away from me again. I expect him to say something to discourage this action, but instead he moves closer, placing his mouth over mine...probably just a form of distraction. I am frozen for a few seconds and then finally give into the kiss. He's so gentle and seems somewhat desperate as well. His hand comes up to cup the side of my face just as he pulls away.
That...to say the least...is very confusing. He's the one who was just trying to tell me not to do this and now he's kissing me? His eyes are surprisingly satisfied, almost as if somehow, he had gotten something he wanted too. "There, okay? Now will you calm down and get some sleep?" I just look at him, not really understanding quite yet. But I guess it's not really important that I do at this point. I just need to get some sleep.
Carefully I lay my head on his lap as he picks his slice of pizza up and takes a bite. I fall asleep very quickly. That night, he finishes the movie without me.
I'm sure that played out a little strange but I said there'd be a kiss scene so, to fit it in this story, that's the only way I could think of. When all is said and done, I think it went well. Please read and review, but no flames. I hope you all like this chapter and the next one is definitely "Duplicate Bridge." I promise!