Heart
Chapter 5 – Smiles and Sunlight
"But my smile does only show one side of me
And I can show you a little slice of everyone
Laughing in the dark, I think your having fun
The sunlight in your face that time
Washes away all the grime
Makes me forget just how much I hate you tonight."
- For Sure by Lostprophets
--h-e-a-r-t--
She had known all along, really. She tried to delay it by drinking herself into stupors the first few weeks or so, and when that hadn't worked she had busied herself with paperwork. It was easy to see why her taicho was so worried about her, to see her change into someone that wasn't herself, avoiding people.
She had known all along. She had known ever since he had turned his face to her and opened his eyes fully to her for the first time, as if he was seeing her fully for the first time, and said those words.
"You coulda kept holdin' on a lil' longer." He had said it as though that was what she was supposed to do, as if she had failed, as if she was in the wrong, as if this was her fault…
Her fists clenched as she ran.
…As if it was she who had let him down, not the other way around.
That was the moment when she realised. That was when she knew…
She was sure her legs were shaking, but they didn't fail her as they carried her through the Senkaimon at a pace much faster than she had thought they were capable of. Her hell butterfly fluttered beside her loyally, managing to match her pace.
That was when she knew there was no home for her in the Seiretei, or Rukongai, or any part of Soul Society anymore. The only home she could ever have would be the place where Gin Ichimaru would lie dead at her feet.
She heard the sword being unsheathed, and stopped dead in her tracks. She had been so consumed by memories and thoughts that she hadn't even seen the shinigami standing in front of her with his sword raised towards her, let alone sensed him.
When she was running alone, she had been so sure that she couldn't hear a thing. But now, without the sound of her feet hitting against the ground, and her breath caught in her throat, she realised that this was silence. The two shinigami stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, one with his zanpukuto raised in offence, the other with hers still at her waist in its' sheath.
"Matsumoto…" No matter how soft and quiet his voice was, it broke the silence in the harshest way. To Matsumoto, he might as well have screamed in her ear.
"Hitsugaya Taicho." She moved to walk past him but he blocked her way, his white hair falling into his once bright jade eyes as her looked down at her.
"No, Matsumoto." She sighed and looked him in the eye for the first time in three years, and was secretly shocked that she had to look up at him. He frowned down at her now, his trademark scowl on his face, but his eyes looking sad. She noted that the last time she had looked into them, they were as bright and full of life as they had always been, but now they were dull, and so sad.
Guilt washed over her. Was I avoiding him so much, being so selfish, that I didn't notice how hard the last three years have been for him too?
He continued to stare down at her, and she allowed a humourless chuckle to escape her lips. "I guess I shouldn't have expected any different, Taicho."
"You really did expect me to let you go to Hueco Mundo-?"
"-I have to go, Taicho!"
"-Don't interrupt me, Matsumoto!-"
"-Don't call me Matsumoto, as if I'm still your subordinate! You're not my captain anymore, we're equal, you can't tell what I can and cannot do!"
He looked down at her, and realised that this was the most emotional he had seen Rangiku Matsumoto in three years. Her eyes had once sparkled with happiness, real happiness, not the fake laughter and smiles that she painted on her face each day in front of all the other shinigami. Those eyes once found good in the simplest of things. Now they only sparkled with unshed tears and anger.
He couldn't help but feel a sudden surge of relief. She's finally dropped that mask that Gin taught her to wear.
Silence engulfed them once again, before the white haired captain spoke again, his eyes burning into hers.
"If I'm really not your captain anymore, Matsumoto Taicho, then why do you call me taicho as if that is still what I am to you?"
And, for the first time in three years, Matsumoto couldn't smile convincingly and answer with a lie. In truth, her face was sore, and she was all out of lies. Instead she dropped her eyes from Hitsugayas' and tried to push past him once more, but was stopped as he once again stood directly in front of her, zanpukuto still pointed at her chest.
"I said no, Matsumoto. I am not letting you go to-"
"Taicho…please. I don't want to fight you…" Her head was bowed, but her right hand hovered over Heineko's hilt, as if waiting for a fight nonetheless.
"…You're so determined to go to Hueco Mundo that you would fight me over it?" Hitsugaya asked, his voice almost emotionless except for the traces of incredulity that nobody but Rangiku would notice.
"Yes, I am, but I'd rather not." She paused before she spoke again. "I have to get them out of there, Taicho." Hitsugaya frowned as he heard the sadness seeping into her voice. He knew that she missed them, that she was worried about them. "Hime-chan's a good friend of mine, and Renji and Rukia are as well, and Ichigo too. I…I have to help them."
"That's not your only reason for going to Hueco Mundo, is it Matsumoto?" Several moments passed, and he took her silence as confirmation. "Killing him will not make it easier, Matsumoto, nor will it be a wise decision to disobey the direct order of Yamamoto-sama."
"Who cares about his order…" Matsumoto mumbled to herself. "Stupid old fart. Who does he think he is, saying we can't go help our friends?"
Hitsugaya felt the corners of his mouth curling upwards. "Don't be disrespectful, Matsumoto."
Silence screamed in her ears once again as the seconds trickled past, before she spoke.
"Will I have to fight you or not, Hitsugaya Taicho?" She had meant the words to sound strong, had wanted to say them in a controlled voice, but it came out as a cracked whisper.
He looked down at her, her strawberry blonde hair covering her face as her head was bowed, her eyes downcast. "You didn't let me finish what I was saying, Matsumoto." Her head snapped up as she heard the sound of Hyourinmaru sliding into its' sheath, and looked into her ex-captain's face, confusion written on hers.
What is he doing? I thought he was going to fight me? Is he stalling, waiting for back up? Not that he needs it…
"I am not letting you go to Hueco Mundo alone."
Your smile only shows one side of you, Gin. And now, now you've made me just the same.
--h-e-a-r-t--
"We're going to stay the night with Ururu and Jinta, old man."
Isshin Kurosaki looked up from his spot on the couch to look at his two teenage daughters, his attention directed at the darker haired twin as she spoke.
"You are? This is pretty last minute, Karin." He stood from the couch and walked towards his two daughters, who were standing at the front door, as if about to step out any minute. "I don't see any bags."
Yuzu bit her lip nervously and glanced at Karin, whose determined expression didn't waver.
"We took our stuff over there earlier. Our pyjamas and clothes for tomorrow are there already."
A chuckle escaped their fathers' lips. "Planning ahead, are you?"
"Yeah. We figured that we wouldn't wanna be dragging bags of stuff over to Hat and Clogs' place in the dark all by ourselves, so Ururu and Jinta helped us take our stuff over there earlier," Karin said with a shrug of her shoulders.
"Funny, I didn't see them," Isshin said nonchalantly, but staring his daughter straight in the eye.
"You were asleep. Remember, you were up all night at the clinic last night," Karin replied just as casually, but her father's secret scrutiny was beginning to make her have second thoughts about what she and her sister were about to do.
There was silence for a few seconds before Isshin smiled brightly and said, "You're right, Karin. I must have just been sleeping when they were here."
"Yeah. What else would you be doing, you old goat?" Karin rolled her eyes, but inside she was worrying. What if he can see through my act?
"Well, when are you coming back tomorrow?" Isshin asked casually.
It was a simple question, really. If he had asked her any other day, any other time, Karin would have been able to answer easily, smart ass comment and all. But when she opened her mouth to speak, she found that she couldn't form the words.
"…We…" her voice cracked, and then died altogether.
"We don't know, Otou-san," Yuzu said firmly, and Karin glanced at her in surprise. Yuzu, who had been so nervous, so worried that she hadn't said a word before now, looked back at her sister, her mouth set in a firm line.
Isshin looked between his daughters for a few more moments before he broke the silence. "I see."
Yuzu bit her lip. I can't believe we're lying to Otou-san.
He knows. Karin clenched her fists. He knows what we're really doing.
The silence seemed to last forever.
"Well, take care of each other," Isshin finally said as he forced his exaggerated smile onto his face.
"We will, dad," Karin said as she looked at him and, for the first time in years, gave him a small smile.
"You'd better be off. You don't want to keep your friends waiting."
"Yeah, you're right. Bye, old man."
Yuzu bit her lip even harder as her eyes began to prick. No. I can't cry. I can't cry. I won't cry in front of Otou-san, not now. But in a heartbeat, she had thrown herself into her fathers arms.
"Tou-san…tou…" Her shoulders shook as Isshin held her tightly.
"Hey, c'mon Yuzu…don't cry…after all…" Isshin looked straight at Karin, who watched him from the doorway, and smiled. "I'll see you soon."
"Dad!" And the next thing Isshin knew, both his daughters were clinging to him, hot tears streaming from their eyes and their faces buried in his chest. He took one of his arms from Yuzu's back and placed it around Karin, and rested his head on theirs. He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, but when Karin pulled away and forced a sarcastic glare on her face, he knew that it hadn't been long enough.
"Stupid old goat, you made us late…Jinta'll be worried sick about Yuzu now," she said, a slight smirk managing to make its way onto her lips as she walked towards the front door.
"H-hey!" Yuzu exclaimed loudly, blushing slightly as she laughed. She turned around to face her father, a sad smile replacing her blushed cheeks. "Bye, Otou-san." She turned away and walked towards her sister.
Karin gave her father a small wave. "Later, old man."
And she closed the door behind herself and Yuzu, as Isshin closed his eyes while both sadness and pride filled his mind. They've both grown so much in the last three years…ever since Ichigo left for Hueco Mundo. And for the first time in years, Kurosaki Isshin allowed himself a real smile, because he was proud of his children. All three of them.
The cold air dried the tears on their faces as they walked onwards in silence, out of their street, round the left corner, past Arisawa Tatsuki's dark and empty house and towards Urahara Shoten.
Suddenly, Karin couldn't feel her sister walking beside her anymore. "Yuzu?" She turned and saw her several feet behind, crying silently. "Yuzu…"
"He knew, Karin-chan. He knew." Her voice was cracked and broken.
Karin sighed. "I thought that too, Yuzu, but how could he possibly know? There's no way he could know about this stuff."
"I don't know how he knows, Karin-chan, but he does, and we hurt him!" More tears made their way down Yuzu's cheeks.
"Yuzu…even if he does know…even if we did hurt him…" Karin closed her eyes tightly before opening them again. "We didn't have any other choice."
Yuzu sniffed loudly. "I know, Karin-chan. It'll be worth it, won't it?"
Karin rolled her eyes, trying to make her sister feel better. "Of course it will be, idiot. We're going to help Ichi-nii. Come on." Yuzu nodded, a small smile finding its way to her lips, and they walked on again. "Yuzu…"
"Hai, Karin-chan?" Yuzu looked at her sister and saw that she seemed to be struggling to say something.
"Do you ever feel…are you ever angry at Ichi-nii? For all this?" Karin felt guilty even thinking it, and it showed on her face.
"No," Yuzu answered without hesitation. "He went to Hueco Mundo for a reason, Karin-chan. He went to save his friend. We would have done the same."
"That's true, I guess," Karin shrugged.
"Karin-chan." Yuzu smiled softly. "Are you angry at nii-san?"
As they walked, the only sound was the whispering of the wind and their footsteps falling on the concrete, before Karin sighed. "Yeah, Yuzu. He left us. And he makes dad worry, and he makes you worry, and hell, he even makes me worry. It's been three years, Yuzu, and he has absolutely no idea how much has fallen apart since he's been gone. He left us here to take care of all the hollows leaking out of Hueco Mundo, while he gets to parade around Las Noches having fun with his friends."
"Karin!" Karin looked at Yuzu in surprise. "Don't talk like that, as if he's having a great time! He must be having it worse than us. Just because Urahara-san makes it out to be a joke, that doesn't mean that it is, Karin. Please…" Yuzu's stern expression softened. "Nii-san is doing what he has to. And he's doing it for us, too. Please, don't hate him for it."
Karin hugged her sister. "I could never hate Ichi-nii, Yuzu. Never. I love you both." She didn't tell her sister that she did still feel slightly bitter about it, though. She pulled away and they continued to walk through the street, then turned into an alley, a shortcut they always used to get to Urahara Shoten. Suddenly, something clicked in Karin's mind. "Hey…when you hugged dad…he told you not to cry because…"
Yuzu frowned slightly. "What is it, Karin-chan?"
"…He told you not to cry because… 'after all, I'll see you soon.' "
Yuzu looked at her sister and saw that she was thinking hard about something. "So?"
"If he knows what's going on, which I think he does…what exactly does 'I'll see you soon,' mean?"
The twins shared a confused look and turned their heads back to the direction of Urahara Shoten, their feet carrying them soundlessly.
I think you are having fun with all those espada, though, Karin smirked.
None of Isshin and Masaki's children ever walked in or out the front door again.
--h-e-a-r-t--
"DAMMIT!!" Ichigo skidded to a stop, panting heavily, his hands on his knees. Cold sweat dripped from his forehead and splashed to the floor like tears.
Way to go, King. You've out shunpoed yourself.
Shut up! Nobody asked you! But Ichigo realised the hollow was right. He had been using shunpo for what felt like hours, and his legs were shaking slightly. Damn…just how big is Las Noches that I've been running through here all this time and I'm still barely anywhere?!
That's what ya get for running about without a destination, idiot.
I have a destination, you stupid fucking hollow!
Oh? Where are we headed, exactly?
Um…Ichigo scratched his head thoughtfully. Wherever Rukia is…?
Ogihci deadpanned on his comfortable seat on the side of one of the skyscrapers in Zangetsu's world. Are you fucking stupid, King?! You can't even sense her?!
I stopped sensing her ages ago! Why else would I be so fucking worried?! Besides, it's not like you can sense her reiatsu either, you hypocrite!
Oghici frowned as something occurred to him. Y'know, King…that's not the only thing you should be worried about.
Ichigo raised an eyebrow. Eh?
Don't ya think it's kinda weird, how you've been trampling your way through Las Noches for hours, and no Espada has come to stop you yet, King?
Ichigo frowned slightly. Yeah…that is kinda weird, actually…
Don't you see?! Oghici hissed. You're running around pointlessly, expecting to just see Rukia around the next corner and not thinking properly! This is exactly what they expect of Kurosaki Ichigo, and you're playing right into their plan, whatever it is!
Oghici wasn't expecting the response he got.
Che. Like I care if this is a trap. Some stupid trap, don't you think? If they do eventually come to try and beat me down, then I'll cut them back. Whatever plan they could possibly come up with, I'll break through it. While they've got Rukia, I've got resolve to keep going.
Oghici snorted. 'Resolve to keep going'? Watch out, King. Hallmark knows that you go into their stores and steal lines from their cheesy ass cards…and they're pissed.
Urusai! And besides, what else am I supposed to do? Turn back and go home? Stand still until some Espada comes by to waste my time? This is the only thing I ca-
Z-Zangetsu? The new voice interrupted Ichigo's train of thought. A voice so familiar that Ichigo's heart skipped several beats. Oh. It's just you, Ogihci.
R-Rukia?! Before Ichigo could stop himself, a smile broke out on his face, incredulity showing in his voice. Rukia, how the hell are you in Zangetsu's world?!
Calm down, King. We're not that blessed.
What exactly is that supposed to mean, you mere hollow?!
In Zangetsu's world, Oghici rolled his eyes as he stared at the Zanpukuto spirit in front of him, her shock white hair spiky at the ends, her skin porcelain and her lips blood red, and a matching corset and tattered floor length skirt to match. Her violet eyes glared right back at him.
He looked down to her through his black eyes and orange irises with a calm face. King, meet Sode No Shirayuki.
Huh? Rukia's zanpukuto? How the hell did she get in Zangetsu's world?!
How the hell should I know, King? I'm just a freeloader here.
That's not good enough!
You don't wanna hear my real theory on it, King.
What's that supposed to mean?!
Well, in my honest opinion…I think the reason Shirayuki can come and go as she pleases is cause of me and my little Rukia-chan's special bond…
W-what?! What the fuck are you talking abou-
Excuse me. I'm standing right here.
Yeah King, you should come join the party.
…I don't trust you.
Oh, come on. What could I possibly pull? As if I'd try anything with Shirayuki here. He smirked down at her.
Sode No Shirayuki looked at him with one eyebrow raised. As if I could ever be shocked by anything you'd do?
Aren't you scared, just a little-?
And suddenly Ichigo couldn't hear them anymore.
Uh…hello? Any hollows or Zanpukuto there?
Nobody answered him, and the silence rung in his ears.
For the first time in a long time, Ichigo was alone in his own mind. And it was such an amazing feeling that he couldn't help but laugh to himself, even though he was in such a dark place.
Yeah, this is great fun.
--h-e-a-r-t--
She frowned up at the grinning hollow. "I can't hear Kurosaki anymore."
"That's cause I blocked him out, Shirayuki. He can't hear us, and we can't hear him." He grinned down at her, showing far too many teeth in her opinion. If she wasn't the zanpakuto of Kuchiki Rukia, she might be afraid.
But she stared right back up at him, looking at him almost lazily. "Why did you do that?"
He sat down on the side of the skyscraper and patted the spot in front of him, where Shirayuki sat without hesitation. "So we can talk, of course." His voice suddenly took a bitter tone. "Or would ya have rather spoken to Zangetsu?"
"He's always preferable to you," the zanpakuto spirit said coldly, but not without a small smirk on her lips. "But…" she surprised Ogihci by looking away from his eyes and instead concentrating on the concrete she was sitting on.
He raised an eyebrow and smirked, hiding his genuine curiosity. "Lost for words, are we?"
In a flash he was knocked backwards by the impact of her kick as it connected with his chest. "Don't get smart with me, hollow!" she said angrily, but in the next instant Sode No Shirayuki found herself pinned to the skyscraper, and felt cold, white fingers wrap around her throat, squeezing the breath out of her slightly.
A snarl ripped from Ogichi's throat. "Then don't get high and mighty with me, zanpukuto. Because that's all you are, y'know. You only exist because Rukia does."
"Look who's talking," she hissed back at him, her eyes narrowed and burning into his.
Several moments passed as they glared at each other, eyes daring the other to look away, before Shirayuki's unearthly eyes softened, but didn't waver from his face.
"I'm glad you reacted so typically. If you hadn't, I really would have forgotten how to act around you…I was already beginning to…I started forgetting how to talk to you…" She trailed off as she closed her eyes and leaned her head back on the concrete, looking more peaceful than he had ever seen her in the whole time she had been visiting Zangetsu's world.
He frowned, and if he hadn't been a hollow with no humanity he just might have, might have, been concerned. "What the fuck are you rambling about?"
She only frowned softly, her smile dropping from her lips. "It's been so long. I nearly forgot how sick you really are. It's been so long since I've seen you…"
A soft chuckle and a sharp smirk escaped his lips, as his eyes seemed to dance. "You can't even survive three days without me?"
Her eyes snapped open and she pushed herself from the ground, Ogihci taking his hand from her neck as if it burned him. She stood on her feet and looked up at him as he stood in front of her again, her white eyebrows furrowed and her porcelain face fixed in a confused expression. "Three days, did you say?"
"Are you deaf as well as stupid?" He rolled his eyes impatiently, not daring to show his concern – no, curiosity – at her actions. "Yes, three days." She just continued to stare up at him, and as much as he hated to admit it to himself, it was beginning to get to him. "We last saw each other three days ago. You came to me, it's how me and the King know Rukia's still alive."
It felt like an eternity as she looked up at him, her violet eyes boring into his black and yellow ones, before words escaped her blood red lips.
"It hasn't been three days, Ogichi…it's been three years."
There was silence for several moments, until his maniacal laughter filled the air and then escaped it just as quickly. "What the fuck are talking about now, you stupid bitch?"
"You feel that it has been three days? Only three days?" He nodded, a frown crossing his face. Shirayuki sighed and looked at her feet before looking back up at him. "It has been three years to Rukia and I, and…and she can't…"
"Verbal diarrhoea again?" He smirked as she glared up at him, but for some reason he instantly regretted it when he saw the seriousness in her violet eyes.
There was silence between them as she looked down at the floor, her small white hands curled into fists. It was so hard for her to try and say this to him, to sink so low as to ask this of a hollow.
"I need your help."
"Anything," he said without hesitation, his voice soft and yet still thick with hatred for the soul standing before him.
But somehow, I don't hate you as much as I usually do, tonight.
"She…Rukia can't wake up, Ogihci. I suppose I should tell you the whole story." She looked up at him. "It started with a heart…"
--h-e-a-r-t--
When she sleeps, her dreams are black. All they are is darkness encased in darkness, with the occasional porcelain skinned, white haired, crimson lipped version of whom she thinks must be some half-forgotten version of herself…
In her more aware states of dreaming, she knows that this is the spirit of her zanpakuto. Whoever it is, however, is always telling her to get out, to wake up, to remember, but all she can do is cry in confusion and force herself to wake up in Kaien-dono's arms, where he soothes her and chases her worries away until the next night, where she lives through the dream again.
But not tonight.
"Rukia!" She turned round to smirk at him as she ran, his schoolbag tucked under her arm as she raced through a strangely familiar stretch of grass, which for some reason she was sure was a part of a place called Karakura Park. "Rukia, you stupid midget, get back here!"
"Nope, not this time…" she said a name, but it was instantly forgotten. "This is training. You have to get your bag back, without using shunpo." However, the mischievous shine in her violet eyes betrayed her serious tone of voice.
"What?! You're making that up!" he shouted as he raced after her, secretly amused although his face was set in a frown.
"No, Strawberry-kun, it's true." She knew she had only used the name to aggravate the boy. "If you get faster than me by running normally, just think how much faster you'll be when you use shunpo."
"What a load of shit! Give me my bag back, you stupid little midget!"
"Run faster, then!" she shouted back to him, a laugh escaping her lips as she crossed where the grass ended and the concrete began, and ran up the stairs at the end of the path just as the boy made it past the grass. The sky was made of brilliant shades of pink and orange, and blue scattered throughout, and the sun blinded her eyes occasionally as she ran. As she made it to the top of the stairs, she saw that she was right at the top of the park. She turned around to lean over the railings, where she could see the whole of Karakura, and noticed that the sun was setting.
She gave up all ideas of tormenting the boy who was running towards the stairs, but still held his schoolbag closely to her chest with both arms crossed over it as she looked out at the sunrise. The dimming sun shone on her skin and face, making her eyes sparkle in a way they had forgotten how to, and she smiled as she basked in the warmth of the sun, realising just how happy she really was.
She blinked, noticing that the boy wasn't there with her, and he should have made it up by now. She was faster than him, but not so fast it would take him ten minutes for him to catch up with her.
She tore her eyes from the setting sun and looked down over the railings, and saw the boy standing there, looking up at her, but his face was a blur that she instantly disregarded. They said nothing, but continued to stare at each other, until the silence began to get to her.
"What? Is there something on my face?"
He didn't take his eyes away from hers as he softly said, "Just the sun."
"Rukia..."
"I-Ichi…go…"
"Rukia." There it was, that voice again, that voice that automatically made her see that image in her head; the amber eyes, the orange hair…but it was only in these times that haunted the moments between sleeping and waking that she could remember him, that she saw his face, that she heard his voice.
She felt someone nudging her, and she opened her eyes to see Shiba Kaien's icy blue ones looking down at her in concern.
She breathed out, not knowing if it was in relief or despair. Was she safe in his arms, or was she trapped in them? "Kaien-dono."
"That dream again?" She nodded vaguely, although she knew that this was a different dream to her usual ones. It hadn't felt like a dream. It had felt so real. Kaien held her in his arms for a few moments longer before he spoke again. "You're still saying that name, y'know. Are you sure you don't know him?"
He felt her shrug. "I don't know, Kaien-dono…I've…" Her raven hair tickled his lips slightly as she tried to express what she was feeling. "I feel like I've forgotten something very important…and it feels as though you've always been around, as if we've never been apart since the day we met, but I know you were gone for a long time…I can't explain how, but…"
He silenced her with a kiss on her forehead. "I was never gone. C'mon, Kuchiki. How could I ever leave you?" She smiled up at him, but a couple of seconds later the smile vanished and was replaced by a frown and a faraway look in her eyes.
"But you did, Kaien-dono…I know it." She frowned to herself, trying to make sense of it all. It was so confusing. She glanced out the window, and judging by the sky outside she guessed it could only be around 5am. "Kaien-dono…"
"Hn, Kuchiki?"
"Nii-sama…and Renji…"
"What about them?" He stroked her hair, frowning slightly, worried about her. She hadn't said things like this in three years, and it was strange to hear her talk about it again.
She pulled away from him and sat up in bed to look into his eyes. "Please, Kaien-dono…think. Nii-sama and I…look how comfortable we are with each other. Look how good friends we are."
"So?" He propped himself up on his elbows and continued to look up at her.
"We were never like that…where we? I remember…I remember nii-sama being so cold towards me, and he never spoke to me unless he had to. We never even spoke during dinner. And now look at us; when did his attitude so suddenly change, and more importantly, why?" She looked out the window and pursed her lips as she thought.
The captain of the thirteenth division continued to look at her as he thought, before it suddenly dawned on him.
"Kuchiki…" Rukia tore her eyes from the sky outside and looked back down at him. "I used to call him a priss. I remember it. But look at the way he acts…he's anything but a priss. He's funny, he's carefree, and he treats you great. Why would I have ever called someone like that a priss?" They continued to look at each other before he spoke again. "I think…I dismissed what you were saying when you first brought it up, Kuchiki, but I think…I think you might be onto something here."
She nodded. "There's more." He pulled himself up and sat in front of her, gesturing for her to continue. "Renji. Renji and I had a fall out when I was adopted into the Kuchiki family, and we didn't speak to each other for years. And then suddenly, three years ago, we were just like we were in our Rukongai days. And I certainly don't remember making up with him."
Kaien frowned as he looked at her. "That's right. I remember it too…years ago, not that long after you joined the Gotei 13. You told me about Renji."
And then Kaien noticed his haori lying crumpled on the floor. "And…when did I become Taicho of the Thirteenth? I know I'm taicho, but I don't remember my promotion or anything."
"And I wasn't a fukutaicho, at least, I don't think I was…was I even a seated officer?" Rukia looked at him wide eyed.
Kaien looked back at her, and slowly shook his head. "I can't remember. But Ukitake was sure as hell not a third seat."
They sat in silence for what must have been ten whole minutes, each wrapped up in their own thoughts, before Rukia spoke again.
"But…if all this is so wrong…then why are we so happy with the way things are?" Agitation was laced through her voice, and her eyebrows furrowed in confusedness.
He looked back at her, and raised his hand to stroke her hair. And suddenly, something made sense to him. "Because all of this was what we always wanted, Kuchiki. You wanted to get on well with Byakuya. You missed Renji. You wanted to be a seated officer. I wanted to be more than a fukutaicho, and I wanted Miyako to never be here when we were together. Isn't it convenient, how she's always training or on a mission when we're like this?"
Rukia thought about what he had said, before nodding slowly. "You're right, Kaien-dono…but…how can this be happening? And why does nobody else see it?"
Kaien pulled her close to him and laid them both back down. "Maybe it's just the two of us, Kuchiki. I don't know. But should we really be complaining? I think we have it pretty damn good here."
He relaxed and closed his eyes, as Rukia continued to look at him. "How do you mean, Kaien-dono?"
"Think about it, Kuchiki. Is there really anything wrong? It's as if someone waved a wand and gave us everything we ever wanted, gave us everything that could ever make us happy."
Rukia looked out the window, at the half moon shining in the lightening sky, and suddenly felt something jolt through her heart. But whether it was sadness, or longing, or a bit of both, she wasn't sure. "For you, maybe."
He heard the tone in her voice, and opened his eyes to look at her. "What do you mean, Kuchiki? Aren't you happy here?"
"I was. I was so happy, Kaien-dono. Being here with you, being friends with Renji, feeling like nii-sama really is a brother, being such a high rank. But then I…I began to see his face again…"
Kaien frowned up at her, not liking where she seemed to be going. "Whose face? That guy you mention when you wake up sometimes?"
"I can't remember…I know his name, I know I do. In the state of mind between sleeping and waking, I hear his name and I see his face. When I'm awake, it's a blur. All I can remember are shades of bright orange, and strawberries, although I know that last one doesn't make any sense whatsoever." Kaien raised an eyebrow, but quickly dropped it in case she turned her head to look at him, but she never did. She just continued to stare out the window while he looked up at her, worrying silently.
"Does it really matter who he is, though?" Kaien asked. After all, he didn't want her to get herself upset over unnecessary things.
Rukia smiled softly to herself. "Probably not." And then the smile quickly faded. "But…it's like I'm missing something that's a part of me. As if I left it somewhere, in some other world, and I can't be myself until I have it back." She sat up, still looking at the sky outside. "I don't know anymore, Kaien-dono. Of course I'm happy here, a lot. But I'm not completely whole."
Once again, silence engulfed them for several minutes.
"Am I insane, Kaien-dono?"
"About as sane as I am."
"That really doesn't help." She slowly got out of bed and stretched, and picked her haori from the floor.
"Eh? Kuchiki, where you going at this time?!" Kaien asked as she pulled it back on and headed for the door.
"I'm going to see Renji, Kaien-dono." Her voice was determined, and he knew he couldn't make her change her mind, but he tried anyway.
"At this time? You'll start rumours if someone sees you. Can't you just talk to me instead?" he asked her, slightly playful but mostly serious.
"No, Kaien-dono. I want to see Renji. I need to see Renji." And without a backwards glance, she walked out the door of the Thirteenth Taicho's sleeping quarters and shut it softly behind her.
I just want you to see the sunlight on my face, again.
--h-e-a-r-t--c-h-a-p-t-e-r--f-i-v-e
It's very, very important that you read this.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, for two things. I'm sorry it took so damn long, and I'm sorry this chapter took so damn long for you to read. Not including this authors note, this chapter is like, fifteen pages on word document. Oo-er.
I quite like this chapter though, I think. I'll admit it, I do actually really like my scene with Ogihci and Shirayuki. To my knowledge, nothing like that has ever really been done before, so I'm glad I managed to make it original.
Also, I've completely given up on the Bleach anime, for the moment at least. Why? Because this filler arc is made of utter fail. It sucks. I understand the purpose of the filler arc is to allow the manga to get a move on, but… seriously. They could have picked a better storyline. I don't give two shits about Princess Bug-Eyes and some old man that wants to kill her so he can be the princess instead. Yes, the old man wants to wear her little pink dress and stupid big hat. I kid you not.
I've not seen the last six or so episodes of the anime because it sucks too much, and I won't start watching them again until it's back to the Hueco Mundo/Las Noches arc.
OMGG, I can't wait for the anime to start with the Pendulum arc. It's going to be incredible.
But, I have just one more thing to say.
I'm kinda worried that not enough people like this story. I really don't want to stop writing this, because I love writing it, but…
I got fifteen reviews for chapter one. I was absolutely thrilled. Then chapters two and three each got twelve, and I was over the moon. Then, chapter four got - - five reviews. That's not even half of what the two chapters before it got. What's with that?
No, I'm not meaning to sound like a review whore. It's just, reviews show some actual feedback, and I need that feedback to see what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong.
So, can someone please get back to me on this, and tell me if I'm doing anything wrong? Thank you. :)
Happy Bleaching, everyone.
- Wait-For-Sleep xx