THE HERE AND NOW

CHAPTER 22

"REALIZATION"

He had known she was trouble from the moment he had seen her walk into that room. He knew she was trouble from the cocky walk, the attitude. Yeah, she was going to be one hell of pain in the ass, but he had experience with pain in the assess. After all, he hadn't even shot Daniel on their first mission, so he knew he could control himself. And so he did, and found out just what kind of woman she was.

He hated her for it. She threw him off balance, made him act the fool and he didn't like that. Both on and off mission her sheer presence lingered in his mind and as much as he wanted to escape her, he couldn't and he knew he was in trouble, because this woman was the kind of woman you could love with all that was in you and she would still not know how to respond.

He was no fool. He was an old dog; he could read and see right through most of the fair sex and Samantha was an open book. One look into her eyes, one glance at her expression and she would tell you all that you needed to know about her. She was hurt, she was afraid and she was insecure. Yeah, the "save the world" woman, the brave and strong person whom he called Carter, was a woman who was insecure about herself and her life.

While most women sacrificed their personal lives for their careers, Carter had tried to change that. She had tried to have a relationship, she had a fiancée and he had hurt her. She had been open and kind to him, had given her love and he had betrayed her and now she was lost and insecure. He knew she wondered and thought about what was wrong with her, when in fact there was nothing wrong.

Yet in her eyes there was always something wrong with her and Jack could see that she hid behind the soldier. She was tough, but she wanted for them to see that she was a woman also, and Jack, as much as he wanted to tell her, could not. He had made a promise to himself; he had sworn an oath and had been trained to follow regulations.

Yet she lingered inside his mind, always there. Her presence overpowering his senses, making him feel like a teenager all over again, making his heart beat faster and his pulse race. She was a curse, a forbiden fruit whom he could watch, yet not touch and he was tired of it. He had tried to move on, tried to just escape her spell. He could not.

All the other women he dated he never slept with and he never called them. Because all he could see was her and her alone and when the time came, when it seemed that she would be interested in him, it would change once more and he would get hurt. It was quite ironic. He had always believed that he would be the one who would end up hurting her.

He was in love with her and as such he swore and made a silent agreement with himself. He resigned himself to wait. A fool in love could wait for all eternity for their beloved to return and never lose hope. And that is what he had become and he did not like it. He didn't like the pain he felt and the way she made him feel when she dated other men, when she slept with and kissed other men.

Yet it is said that only fools fall in love. He however had become the fool because he had thought that perhaps she would soon snap out of it and tell him to forget about that imaginary room of hers, and to just tell him that she loved him. But it never happened and he never let it happen, because he knew better and he knew the risks.

She wanted, no, she deserved so much more and Jack O'Neill was not selfish. And so, even hating cliches, he had followed an old saying. If you love someone, let them go and if they return to you they will be yours forever. But if they never come back, you never had them to begin with. And he had seen that he never had her.

How could he have her, how could she possibly love him? He knew when she told him she needed to leave, he knew that she never felt as he felt, because there was no way that you could do such a thing to a person that you love or used to love. So he drove home, got drunk and laughed it off.

"Fool, just and old fool who dared to hope."

The next day he awoke to find Janet by his, side kneeling down and touching his forehead. Her cold hand made him feel as if he was dying but her smile made him feel alive.

"You ok?"

She cared for him in a different way, but he knew she did as much as Carter did. And for that he was grateful. Slowly he sat upright and glanced at the worried eyes of Janet Frasier. She was concerned, but Jack knew that with her there was a thin line between concern and anger. He had seen those sides of her many a day.

"I think I will be."

"Good."

Her hand was so soft and yet it stung a hundred more times than any other slap he had previously received. His eyes opened wide and confused. Janet never slapped or hit any one. Slowly he turned his face to face her and saw the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes.

"Janet..."

"Just because she left, doesn't mean you don't have people who love you!"

Those words stunned him to the core and now looking at her, he was as stunned as when Carter had first told him she was leaving with Pete. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and then a soft cry made him open his eyes. Here she was, Janet Fraiser, holding his now adoptive daughter, her eyes brimming with tears and all he could do was realize that life moved forward.

"J-Janet I..."

"You have your daughter now, Jack. You have us, why can't you…"

"I know, I know... I've been such an idiot."

He couldn't believe what he was doing. He was going into depression and was blocking everything out of his mind. And why? Because the woman he loved had left him. But there was more to it than that. He had been hurt, yes and as always he had dealt with it by closing himself off from the others. Yet things had to change. Looking at Janet he knew that now.

He had a daughter who needed him and friends who loved him and were going to be there for him. And as that realization dawned on him, his arms wrapped around Janet and his baby girl. A silent pledge, an oath, was made to never be the way he used to be, nor to return to how he was and to live life not for him, but for those who needed him and were there for him.

"I'll be here for you always, Jack."

"I know, doc… I know."